Monday, April 14, 2014

As it turns out, I'm not cured. Not even a little bit...

Before we get into this, I just want to remind you all that everyone has something they can't say no to.  Everyone has that one thing that sees into their very soul and knows how to manipulate them into thinking that it's all gonna be ok if you just have one more hit.  Surely this can't possibly be a bad idea, baby.  It's just you and me...  Just like always.  As it should be.  Forever.   
The problem is that once again, like a damn fool, I thought I had overcome mine.  

It all started when I went Easters shopping for the kids today.  

I was a fool to think that I was safe.  First that I could say no to their sweet goodness.  And then that I could stop at just one...

I was wrong.  I was so very, very wrong.


There are no words for my shame.  I can only go to bed and wake up tomorrow...  Rising from the dust of today anew.  Like the mighty phoenix.  

And then I will fly my fat phoenix ass over to Target and buy some more candy.  Since I ate what was going to adorn the baskets of the Easters for the children. 

I'm sorry.
It's not my fault.

They're delicious.

Don't judge me.  

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

What Happens in Vegas Ends Up on the Internets... Part Dos

When we last left our awesomely crazy heroine, she was into some shit...

I apologize for nothing...

Like I said in part uno, this shit is in no particular order.  So today, I'm bringing you into the journey of our first day.  For those of you who have been there, you know that time in Vegas is forever and means not a god damned thing.  What is one day there is actually a whole fucking week in regular people time.  So, when I tell you that we were literally up for 24 hours on the first day, you shouldn't be surprised.  In fact, I think this is exactly how most people's first days go. 

Well, with one exception anyway...

Most people don't spend their first day shooting the fuck out of shit in the desert.

But we aren't most people. 

Stephanie and I decided to do the Burgers and Bullets Vegas tour.  Let me say something right of the bat.  This shit was spectacular.  Not only was it fun because... well, HELLO!!!  GUNS!!!  But the team leading our mission was fanfuckingtastic. 

We were picked up at our hotel wicked early.  So early that poor Steph and I did not have a chance to get some coffee.  Which was fucking horrible.  Who wants to start the day off like that?!  Not us!!  So after a bit of "convincing" (that's code for mockery and whining), our fearless leader made a pitstop so that we could obtain the wonderful black gold that is coffee. 

Us and our fearless leader...  And if you're wondering what my shirt says, why yes!  It DOES say "I sweat glitter and cum confetti."  Because that's what ladies wear on field trips.

Then it was off to the Hoover Dam!   We got some great history on the ride.  I don't remember any of it, but it had something to do with hookers and blow.  Maybe.  I was too busy enjoying my coffee.

I'm on a dam...  I'm on a motherfucking dam.

So... yea yea yea... blah blah blah.  Let's spit off of it and move on to the guns. 

And guns there were!!!!

In case you didn't already know, I'm kinda bad ass.

Yes, that's a grenade launcher.

If I had a dick, I'd be pitching a tent.

And then, after you shoot your load all over the desert, they bring you inside and give you motherfucking bacon cheeseburgers, french fries and beer.  If there is a heaven, I'm pretty sure that this is it.

But alas, the day could not last forever.  And when it was all over, we met the rest of our crew at the pool for some drinks.

And I even got a tan!!!

Could this day get any better?

The answer to that is YES.  Yes it fucking can.

That evening we were off to a show!  

And then this was spotted...  A rare monarch butterfl... Oh wait.  My bad.  That's some idiot in a hideous shirt.  When did bedazzling come back, you guys?!?  Why did no one even bother to tell me?!?  Because I GOTS BEDAZZLE SKILLS, Y'ALL!!!  BEDAZZLE.  SKILLS.  I could be making a fortune on Etsy right now!!!

Unfortunately, we did not stay long.  Mostly because we learned possibly the most valuable of Vegas lessons in a matter of hours. 

Never.  Wear.  Heels.  To.  Vegas.

I don't care how adorable your dress is.  Wear flats.
Because no matter what, sooner or later you will be walking the strip with no fucking shoes on like a god damned hobo.

And even if you take a romantic Bellagio Foot Picture...

The bottom of your feet will still be cursed with the tears of hookers and thousands of lost hopes and dreams.  And probable fecal matter.

And people WILL give you the stink eye.  Oh yes.  There will be judging upon judging.  But gals like us can only take so much...  And then we come back like Chuck Norris in Delta Force.

Oh, you want to mock, motherfucker??  Then YOU put these god damn shits on and you walk.

That's right, pal.  Fucking strut.

Work it, bitch.

Now turn and give me crouching tiger.


Do you think you can honestly survive a day in this industry without knowing Blue Steel.

You hurtin yet, bro?

No, you cannot call your mom.

You wanna walk the runway again?


I didn't think so.  Now, give me my shoes and get the fuck out of here.

I make friends wherever I go, you guys.  It's a curse.

I know what you're thinking right now...  This bitch is crazy.  But you're wrong.  And I have proof!  I made a reliable source take this short quiz to determine the depths of my insanity.

SEE?!?!  I'm totally fine! And now I have the paperwork to prove it!  And NO.  Stephanie did not take this quiz...  Ok, she did.  But I did not bribe her by use of alcohol...  Ok.  So I did.  But that's neither here nor there.  What matters is that...  Oh who am I kidding.  I'm fucking bonkers.  :o)

Sunday, April 6, 2014

It's Sunday Night... Which means Monday is waiting around the corner to cornhole us all

Hello my lovely friends.  You're all looking mighty Fiiiiiiiiine tonight.  Did you do something different to your hair?  It looks like you've lost some weight...  Whatever it is, keep that shit up.  Cuz you're fucking awesome.

Yes, I am trying to make you feel better.  Yes, it is because Monday is tomorrow.  No, I'm not drunk.  Although I wish I were.  Maybe the reality of Monday would sting a bit less.  

In order to further deter your attention away from what faces us tomorrow, here is some happy that I found on the internets.  These made me giggle.  I hope they make you as well.  If not, then you should probably have a shot of tequila and try again.  Then continue until you find this post hilarious.

You're welcome.

If I could give you all a gift to wear to work tomorrow, it would be this...  And a rocket launcher also.  Because no one fucks with anyone carrying a rocket launcher.  That's just how life is.

This is both hilarious and terrifying all at once.

It sounds so much better this way, really.

Here is a dash of ADORABLENESS for you all!!

I don't even know what to say here.  This isn't funny.  I know this.  But I need someone to share this horror with me.  I can't be the only person whom has nightmares tonight about a fat kid eating my legs off with his stomach face.  I just can't be.  Not again.

I'm pretty sure I saw a movie like this once.

 Nailed it. 

This is just spectacular.  I want to do this!!

It was probably a dick pic.

I won't lie to you.  I'd totally play this game.

If this is incorrect, don't tell me.  I'm bringing something in to the office tomorrow to popty ping just so I can giggle about it.

Every time I do laundry in my evil basement.  Every.  Time.

I didn't even like this guy until I read this.  Now I get why everyone finds him so attractive.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

What Happens in Vegas Ends Up on the Internets... Part Uno

I bet you were all worrying about me.  I know it's been a while again.  I am trying to be more consistent but I have a lot of distractions going on right now.  Stop judging me!!

You know I didn't mean that, baby.  You know I love you...

Anyway, as it turns out, I recently spent a few days in Vegas.  I know what you're all thinking and the answer is No...  The bodies will never be found.  Ever.  Because if it's one thing I'm really fucking good at, it's hiding dead bodies.  Oh, and knitting scarves.  

A lot of shit went down in Vegas.  So much that there will be a few different posts about the trip.  As you can imagine, shit got weird.  And time in Vegas is funny.  In my mind, it's non-sequential.  What happened on the first day doesn't feel like it was the first day.  So, I'm going to go off the rails with these posts and tell you the stories as I would like...  In no fucking order whatsoever.  Mainly because it's my blog, and I get to do pretty much whatever I want.

On our last night in Vegas, after some ridiculous Fremont Street shenanigans, myself and my partner in crime (Stephanie the Fabulous) made our way back to the hotel.  On the walk back to the room, I noticed a Do Not Disturb sign.  In fact, they were everywhere.  

And that is when I hatched possibly one of the most dastardly plans in history.  Ok, not really.  But it sounds more dramatic that way...  

I was going to steal every god damned Do Not Disturb Sign in that place.

All of them.  At that point of the evening, I was hell bent on getting every single motherfucking sign out of that motherfucking hotel.  Stephanie was ready for bed however.  So, after escorting her back to her room and changing into my jammies, I was ready to make this plan a reality.  

And a reality it was...  For hours, I ninja rolled through the hotel and snuck up the emergency access staircases stealing all the Do Not Disturb signs on floors 6-11.  I was drunk, so of course I took pictures...

I'm sure you were wondering how I managed to move undisturbed between floors.  The emergency exit access of course!!
Cuz FUCK da man.

Six was obviously an evil floor.  It just looks menacing.  And I was almost caught too.  But luckily, I had a great spot to hide all the stolen signs before going back to my room after every floor to make the drop off.
It was in my pants, guys.  I was running around the hotel, shoving signs into my pants.  Did I mention that I had a lot of alcohol that night?

You see this drink?  I had 2.  That was filled 3/4 way with vodka.  Because according to the bartender we "looked like we can handle our drink."  I'm not sure if that was a compliment, but it meant more alcohol...  So whatever.  We were literally dancing in the streets after drink number 1.  So, shoving signs down my pants was the obvious next play for a gal like me...  Cuz I'm CLASSY like that!!
Now you see 'em...

Now you don't.  I'm a motherfucking magician!!!
The stairs were getting noisy at this point.  Twas an echo-y sort of place...
So I decided the best option would be to go Total Ninja.  Because who needs elevators when you have secret passages!!!
On Nine I encountered a problem...
Someone was trying to call me out as a little bitch and give me a whole bunch of rules!!!  Excuse me?  I'm a ninja.  I answer to no sign!!!  Especially when it tells me not to sit on something or else the whole hotel would flood!!!!  I mean, have you met me??  I live for this shit.

It'll be a cold day in hell before I let some random sharpie markered sign tell me what to do!!!  SPOILER ALERT:  The stupid hotel didn't even flood. 
Stealing signs was a lot like the game of Operation.  Quiet.  Exact.  Cunning.

I suck at that game...  So I just grabbed those fuckers and ran.
Live like a ninja...  Die like a ninja...  But only if you're caught.

I wasn't.  I peaked around every corner.  I snuck in and out of areas unseen and unheard.  This is the night I became a God.
OOOOOORRRRR...  This was the night that I proved that, once again, I should probably just not be left to my own devices.  Anywhere.  Ever.

And although I only made it though 5 floors and not all of them...  And only collected a measly 213 Do Not Disturb Signs...  And did not go back to the room until 5am...  I feel like I left my mark on Vegas.  And I was even nice enough to leave most of the signs for housekeeping to find.

The blood and masks were Scooby's idea.  He's one sick fuck.

To be continued...