It's ok... I won't be mad.
Now that I've prefaced this and you know what to expect out of this post, it's time for us to have a talk. I think... I think I might...
God damn it. This is so much fucking harder than I thought it would be.
You guys, I think I might be a Disney Princess.
No, fuckers. Seriously.
Ok. Let me tell you a little story of a girl who went to go walk her dog on a bitterly cold morning and almost stepped in poo. Except it wasn't poo. Nopity nope.
|It was a wee little baby bird which Odd was quite confused by... Since he tried to eat it.|
I know what you're thinking right now. "Listen Valerie the Almighty Magnificent One, lots of people find baby birds." And to this I say, yes. But can they do this??
|I just sang it a little song and up it popped upon my finger.|
|I cut up a worm for this little asshole whom we shall just call "Captain Abraham Knockwurst of the Seven Seas AKA The Captain" (Because that is his name). Then I promptly dry heaved for 15 minutes.|
I later found an awesome bird sanctuary by me. You'll all be happy to know that he was put together with a few more of his kind (Gold Finches) and recently released into the wild.
I'm a motherfucking hero like that.
I know. I know. I just blew your mind. Well, go on and scoop those brains up and pop them back in, because the very same week this happened.
|Why yes. Yes that is a baby squirrel. And it's not even baby squirrel season, man. That's how serious this is.|
If you're thinking "Holy Shit. Squirrels are finally gonna take over the universe and they outnumber us like a million to one or maybe more like ten. Or not. Why haven't I googled this kind of thing before. I'm not even prepared for this!!" You would have had the same reaction I did. In fact, I tried to back away slowly, but the little jerk followed me and hopped on my fucking foot.
|Don't judge my pirate socks and ninja shoes.|
Did I mention I was a sucker?
Because I am.
Luckily, the little guy just needed to refuel for the night. Once properly fed and hydrated, he turned into quite the little asshole.
|And so, Doctor Awesome was released back into the wild with a full belly and a taste for vengeance. Ok, maybe not so much with the vengeance part. But I'd like to think so.|
|He was totally siked.|
|I stood pretty far away so he didn't maul me like that rabbit in Monty Python's Holy Grail movie.|
|I've seen these kinds of things go bad too often.|
|Ok, not really. But all those evil squirrel urban legends have to be based on some sort of fact.|
Now tell me... You look at this shit and tell me I'm not a Disney Princess. Because I'm thinking I might be. And what does that mean for me?? Does that mean I need to shave my legs on a regular basis and wear fancy pants dresses??
|Because I'm not ready for that|
Holy shit, you guys... Holy. Fucking. Shit.
Does this mean that I need to... Gulp... Stop cursing????
Well, fuck THAT noise. Fuck it right in the ass... Prison style.
|This is basically the only type of Disney Princess I could be. Now... Where the fuck is my movie deal??|