Monday, October 6, 2014

On a Most Serious Note...

Something recently happened to me and I need to get this out.  You know, mull it over.  And what better way to do that then to write about it.  I know that this is usually a funny sort of blog (hopefully anyway...), but this shit is about to get really real.  For reals.  So if you aren't ready for this, you might want to look away.  


It's ok...  I won't be mad. 


Now that I've prefaced this and you know what to expect out of this post, it's time for us to have a talk.  I think...  I think I might...


God damn it.  This is so much fucking harder than I thought it would be.


You guys, I think I might be a Disney Princess.


No, fuckers.  Seriously.  


Ok.  Let me tell you a little story of a girl who went to go walk her dog on a bitterly cold morning and almost stepped in poo.  Except it wasn't poo.  Nopity nope.



It was a wee little baby bird which Odd was quite confused by...  Since he tried to eat it.


I know what you're thinking right now.  "Listen Valerie the Almighty Magnificent One, lots of people find baby birds."  And to this I say, yes.  But can they do this??


I just sang it a little song and up it popped upon my finger.

I cut up a worm for this little asshole whom we shall just call "Captain Abraham Knockwurst of the Seven Seas AKA The Captain" (Because that is his name).  Then I promptly dry heaved for 15 minutes.

I later found an awesome bird sanctuary by me.  You'll all be happy to know that he was put together with a few more of his kind (Gold Finches) and recently released into the wild.


I'm a motherfucking hero like that.


I know.  I know.  I just blew your mind.  Well, go on and scoop those brains up and pop them back in, because the very same week this happened.


Why yes.  Yes that is a baby squirrel.  And it's not even baby squirrel season, man.  That's how serious this is.


If you're thinking "Holy Shit.  Squirrels are finally gonna take over the universe and they outnumber us like a million to one or maybe more like ten.  Or not.  Why haven't I googled this kind of thing before.  I'm not even prepared for this!!"  You would have had the same reaction I did.  In fact, I tried to back away slowly, but the little jerk followed me and hopped on my fucking foot. 



Don't judge my pirate socks and ninja shoes.


Did I mention I was a sucker?  


Because I am.


Luckily, the little guy just needed to refuel for the night.  Once properly fed and hydrated, he turned into quite the little asshole.  


And so, Doctor Awesome was released back into the wild with a full belly and a taste for vengeance.  Ok, maybe not so much with the vengeance part.  But I'd like to think so.

He was totally siked.

I stood pretty far away so he didn't maul me like that rabbit in Monty Python's Holy Grail movie.

I've seen these kinds of things go bad too often.

Ok, not really.  But all those evil squirrel urban legends have to be based on some sort of fact.


Now tell me...  You look at this shit and tell me I'm not a Disney Princess.  Because I'm thinking I might be.  And what does that mean for me??  Does that mean I need to shave my legs on a regular basis and wear fancy pants dresses?? 


Because I'm not ready for that


Holy shit, you guys...  Holy.  Fucking.  Shit.


Does this mean that I need to...  Gulp...  Stop cursing????


Well, fuck THAT noise.  Fuck it right in the ass...  Prison style. 


This is basically the only type of Disney Princess I could be.  Now... Where the fuck is my movie deal??


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

SPOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!! Now in museum form!

Let me take you back, my friends.  Back to a game of Trivia Pursuit that happened over a year ago.  The game was afoot and the children (Alyssa, Jasmyn, and my best friend's brother and sister) were at the brink of victory.  Or not.  

I'm...  I'm not sure really... But that's besides the point.  Focus people!

Anyway, a question came upon us that demanded an answer.  And that question was "In what state is the world's largest collection of spoons located?"

We all had different guesses with not a one of them being correct, of course.  The answer, my loves, was....  New Jersey.

New.

Friggin. 

Jersey.

Dude.  I fucking live here.  How did I not know this??  And what other secrets was my beloved state keeping from me??  Was that really just "a rash"??  Or was it....

But I digress.

Over a year later, those same players (minus a little sister) were ready to take the pilgrimage to the Holy Land.  

This is a story of such a journey.


When you are greeted by The Wooden Face of Madness, you pretty much KNOW the rest of the place is gonna rock.  But maybe that's just me.

The Lambert Castle in Passaic, NJ houses over 5,000 spoons to which they display approximately 300 at a time.  No, seriously.  I shit you not.  Some old lady told us.  And everyone knows that old people can't lie about history.

We all gave ourselves fake personas that lovely day. Because that's just how we roll.


Nicole was a hater of spoons, but lover of forks.

Hold up.  Hit the pause button!  Just incase you thought spoons were boring or something.  HERE'S A FUCKING DRAGON SPOON ALL UP IN YOUR FACE!!


Alyssa was a spoon psychic...  With the ability to tell us the past of any spoon she came into contact with.  She had quickly determined that there was a vast amount of sadness surrounding many of these artifacts.  Except for one spoon...  That spoon was surrounded with...  DEATH!!!  Bum Bum BUMMMMMMMM

I was an enthusiastic Professor of Spoons with a bachelors in ancient history.  Or something like that.  Honestly, I was just really excited that my epic Spoon tshirt finally found its purpose.

Jackson was a mad German scientist whom often used spoons in his experiments.  I'm not really allowed to talk about the experiments.  I signed a confidentiality agreement.

One loves spoons, the other hates them.  She is the ying to my yang and I will love her for all of eternity.

Jasmyn was a spork prodigy, with the ability to name every single spork in existence by the tender age of 9 months. 

But seriously, you guys.  Spoons.  But, like, SPOOOOOOONS!

I bet you thought that there was only a spoon collection at this joint.  Like I would ever leave you with that!

Not when there are statue's asses to lick!!!

And things we are not allowed to touch!

And... Um... Really creepy children portraits?


And... Large scissors?

And who can forget the human hair sculptures??  I know I can't.  Seriously though.  This shit is going in my will.  Somebody had better start practicing weaving a platypus out of dead people hair!!!

Oh dear lord... Her eyes follow me!!!!  HER. EYES. ARE. WATCHING. ME. ALWAYS.

Wait... Where was I?  Oh yes.  Not... when there are things to ponder next to fireplaces!! 

So much evil pondering about our plans for world domination!!  Or, you know... Lunch.  Whatever!



And that's when it happened.  That's right when we found the most ancient relic in the entire joint.

 The illusive table.  Our day could not get much better than this.  Or so we thought...

Luckily, they had a comment book... (I know.  I'm way too lazy to reformat.  Just tilt your heads a bit!)

And we left only the best of comments.  Obviously.

We then explored the lovely views the castle had to offer us.

And it was beautiful.

Surprised lion was surprised to see us.

Shocked and surprised.

Shocked and surprised and slightly appalled.

Jazzy enjoyed the views tremendously.

But, like, REALLY enjoyed them.  (Yes, that is a vulture eating a dead groundhog.)
We were then off to lunch!!!!  We found a nearby burger place that served up some scrumptious shit.
I mean...  The wall mural was a bit off-putting.  Maybe it was just me.  But when I eat a burger, I really don't want to see the judging eyes of his brethren staring down upon my soul.
And then I had to pee...  This is the view from my toilet.  Why yes...  Yes the wallpaper was pictures of men taking pictures of us doing our business.

So I was all "Fuck YOU guys!"  Now I'm taking a picture of you perverts taking a picture of me whilst I do my business.  Assholes. 


We then immediately wondered what was in the men's room.  After sending Jackson in on a recon mission, he could only say the following about the wall decor:  "I don't know how to explain it.  It's a man in a hazmat suit...  Surrounded by lettuce."

He fucking nailed the description, much to our dismay.

You may find yourself asking "How do you end a day this epic?"   

Well, I'll tell you all how!  Cupcakes.  Yea, man...  Cupcakes.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

One day, somebody's gonna have to make a stand. One day, somebody's gonna have to say enough... AKA I'm going to start drinking Pepsi.

Most people dream of seeing their "name in lights," so to speak.  For you, that may be a promotion with a cushie VP next to your name.  For others, that may very well be their name in legit lights on Broadway...  Or written on a cardboard box under Broadway.  Hey...  Whatever floats your boat, man.  I'm not here to judge.

For me, however, it was finding my name on a Coke bottle.  I know...  It seems silly.  But I like my name on shit.  It's just how I roll.  

And so the search began...

I looked high...

I looked low...

I searched for weeks...

And after weeks, I began to worry...


But, like...  Seriously began to worry.

In fact, I became a lot like the crazy egg man in the movie Clerks.  (If you don't understand this reference, may the Gods have mercy on your soul.)

That's when someone told me that you could look online to see if your name was available.  "Hogwash!"  I thought to myself.  "Of course my name is available!!!  I mean, it's VALERIE for fuck sakes."

I mean, Valerie is a common name, really.

I mean, isn't it??

As it turns out, Coke had other plans for my destiny...

Access.  Denied.

Wait... WHAT???  My name is "really unique"?!?!  


And it's about this time what my family members began the mockings.

My brother has a bottle.

Sure, it's spelled wrong.  But it's the thought that counts.

Alyssa has found her name on 5 Coke bottles as of the date of this posting.

I'm not going to say that I'm affected by this...

But FUCK YOU COKE!!!!!
 I mean, sure... I made a "virtual bottle" to try to make myself feel better.

But I can't drink this.  And also, screw you Coke!!!  You could at least make this shit look a LITTLE legit!!!  I mean, the fucking font doesn't even match what's really on the bottles.  HOW HARD IS IT TO MATCH FONT TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING!!!  Coke has the audacity to make some of us feel like the uncool kids in high school.  And that's not ok.  That's called BULLYING, Coke.  And, nowadays, that shit is totally frowned upon. 

And, just when I lost all my shits, is when I took matters into my own hands...


Hector???  Not today, my good man!!!

Because with a red sharpie and a container of white-out...

I can finally sit at the cool kid's table.

Suck it, Coke.