Tuesday, October 4, 2016

This is not the montage you were looking for...

I know, I know...  I promised a montage.  And I'm totally working on it.  And not in a way where I'm all "I'm working on it" but I'm really just napping or going to strip clubs.  Well, maybe the strip clubs... 


For his tribute to VALTEMBER, Carlos gave me a new laptop, which is the fucking shit.  The unfortunate part of all this is that I have to get the bulk of my pics off the old computer...  Probably using some kind of dark magic.  So until I collect the appropriate amount of virgin blood, this will have to do.


As you may remember, I got a new car a while back.  She has been come to be known as Fluffy the Destroyer of Worlds.


Here she is in all her glory and mystery... And mostly death...

Fluffy and I have been on many adventures thus far, as she is as mischievous as I.  Which The Man must obviously know about...  Because why the fuck would he issue a license plate like this??


Really, DMV??  Really???  Did you just call me Sleazy?  You fucking fuck...  

What can I say, DMV?  This time.... This time it's personal...  You will pay for your insolence...  Probably with a strongly written letter.  Because I'm totally badass like that.






Thursday, September 22, 2016

I did it... I clicked the "new post" button. HUZZAH MOTHERFUCKERS!

Well look who decided to get off her lazy ass and write something...


This sassy bitch


It's been a while.  Longer than I meant to take off.  I'm sure you're all probably not even talking to me at this point.  And that's totally ok.  I get it.  But I've been thinking a lot about this blog lately...  and I miss it very much.


Why have I been thinking about it?  Besides it being fucking awesome?  It's ok, you can admit it.  4 out of 5 other awesome people agree.  But besides that...  Alyssa, my 14 year old daughter, said something a few weeks ago that hit home.  I got a "Mommy, why don't you write anymore.  I miss your blog.  It made me laugh."




You remember this fucking kid, right?  If not, here's your reminder.  You're welcome.

My first thought was…  Holy shit!  What the hell did I even write about and how inappropriate was it???  After I calmed down and realized that the kid lives with me and hears most of this shit in person, I felt bad.  I love making her smile and laugh.  I felt bad that I was not only not doing that, but I gave up on something that I loved doing so very much.  Something that made me feel good.  Something that helped me express myself.  Something that introduced me to some amazeballs peeps. 


But I digress...  I wanted to come back the day she said that to me.  But it’s been so long since I've been here that I was, frankly, embarrassed to write yet another post about how I promise to come back.  The sucky part about me is that I just can't promise to come back, like, once a week… or once every other week.  Nay, my friends.  I have to promise to do a post every day.  Which is too hard right now with my life schedule.  And when I cant make that promise happen, I automatically just give up.


I'm hardcore like that.


But I’m working on my shit…  So I’ll be back.  Not every day, mind you.  But once a week or so should be just right. 


I miss you, fuckers.


I’m sure your all dying to know what I’ve been up to.  And if not, I'm going to tell you anyway! In fact, I'm going to do an astounding flashback montage scene next post... with pictures and everything!!!  Because who wouldn’t rather look at a cool picture book instead of reading.  That’s pretty much why graphic novels were even invented…  Probably.


I can promise you wont be disappointed.  Life has been an AMAZING adventure lately and my happiness is beaming lights of joy right out of my asshole... Because I'm classy like that.


Here's a Sneak Peek...

Holy Fuckballs!


Talk to you bitches soon!


Hugs!


Valerie

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Siri is the Reason Why I have Anger Issues

It all started out innocent enough.  I was on my way home from an appointment, and decided to get bagels for me and the family.  There's a pretty great bagel shop by us that is usually on the busy side.  I prefer to call in my order.  Mainly because it makes me feel like Beyonce when I walk in and get to skip the line.  And who doesn't like to feel like The Queen B.
 

I know Siri hates me.  I.  Know.  This.  Mannnn.  But I was driving and I needed some assistance.  And the god damn commercial makes it look so fucking easy.


But it's not...


It's.  Fucking.  Not.  Easy.  At.  Fucking.  All.

 

Me:  Siri, Fanwood Bagels.
 

Maybe it was because I had the window cracked.  I rolled it up and tried again.


Me: Siri... Fanwood Bagels! 


Son of a bitch.

Me: SIRI... Fanwood Bagels.


Did. I. Stutter. Motherfucker?!?!

Me:  SIRI!!  FANWOOD!! BAGELS!!!!!! 



You fucking whore.

After googling and finding the number then calling it and placing my order, like it was 1998 or some shit, I decided that Siri hates me.


And you know what?  I fucking hate her too.  


Yea.  That's right.



Tuesday, November 17, 2015

...Insert Sappy Quote About Love Here...

I won't lie to you, my friends.  I've been burned in the past.  If you've been reading this blog for a hot minute, you may already know that.  And much like humans that have loved and lost, we often promise ourselves to never bother with those types of shenanigans again.  To just go about our merry little ways and live our life with a shitload of cats... or dogs...  or ferrets.  Whatever's your bag, baby.

In fact, I honestly never thought I would find love again.  And the saddest part was that I was ok with that... 

And then I fell for this motherfucker.  I mean look at that mug.  How could I not?

And I fell hard I did.  Like, sun and moon and stars kinda shit.  I even thought that now I finally knew what was what.  


Until...  Until a pigeon proved me wrong...


Hey, Lil Guy... You want a fry?
"Perhaps I do..."

"Perhaps this Fry..."
"Is just... What I've always needed"

Still, Pigeon? 

After all this time?

.......

"Always."

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Must Write Post or Clowns Will Eat Me... Must Write Post or Clowns Will Eat Me... Must Write Post or Clowns Will Eat Me... Must Write Post.....

Hi there, my lovely little friends.  


Its been a couple of weeks.  I know.  What can I say?  I suck.  It's honestly taking me a bit longer than I thought it would to get back into the habit of writing on a regular basis.  How do all my blogger friends do it!?!  


No, seriously.  How do you find the time?  When do you sleep?  Where do you poo?  I.. Mean.. When?
 

As you may remember, the last time I wrote, it was because my Arch Nemesis had sent boxes filled with evil.


You remember these lovely little trinkets??

I sure do!!

I still dream of them every god forsaken night...

In fact, I literally have a corner full of clown in my house.  I have no idea where to put them!  I'm scared to release them from their box tombs and set them free to run a muck on us all.


Because I'm responsible like that...  You're welcome.
 

And then, just like that, it stopped just as suddenly as it began.  I thought we were done with this shit.  Fuck man!!  I thought I was free!!  Until Halloween that is...  But don't worry!!  I've figured it out, I think.
 

I now have a theory, you see.  I know what this is about (besides trying to break me mentally, of courseBecause... Arch Nemesis!!!).  Yes.  I see everything so fucking clearly now.  


I must write to keep the clowns away.  I must do this so they don't come for me in my sleep.


What?  Do you think I'm overreacting?  Well, lets just take a look at my last package then, shall we?



What could be so horrifying in such a tiny package??  P.S.  I googled "Big Red Nose Emporium" and it's not a real thing.  It's probably code for where the clowns take people to suck their souls out of their assholes and insert said soul into their stupid, horrible noses.

Well, this isn't the things that nightmares are made of.  Not at all.

Oh. Dear. Lord.

I think they are trying to convert me!!!
Yup!!!  This basically says, and quite cleverly I must add, "JOIN US!!!"  I've seen Evil Dead.  This won't end well!!

So, in conclusion, I promise to check back in soon...  For my own safety.  And most likely the world.


I need my very own cape for this shit...

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Whatever is in this Damned Box is Sure to be Evil as All Fuck... Run Whilst You Still Can.

It happened again...  The day before my birthday, this arrived:



This is actually written in French and translates to:  "Just fucking pack your shit and leave the country.  This won't end well."


So, as you can imagine, I automatically went to Defcon: Violet Orange A-12.  Which, if you cannot tell, is pretty fucking panicked.  


I wanted to burn it...  BURN THEM ALL!!!  But, as Carlos gently reminded me, porcelain doesn't burn.  And the last thing we need in our firepit is clown heads, feet and hands that are all charred and eviler looking that originally provided.




Do yourself a favor, and never fucking EVER google "burned porcelain doll".  Because you might not sleep for weeks.


So what was I to do with this shit??  What.  The.  Fuck.  Man?!?! Why???  Just...  WHY????


My kids, on the other hand were very excited to open it. 


And so we did...  Because who can say No to that face?  Ok, it was mostly their whining.  But, on a super positive note, we didn't open it until all their homework was done.  So, at least there's that, right?!?

For a split second, I once again I thought...  "Maybe this won't be my nightmare.  Maybe this one is filled with love and glitter and unicorns and pie!!"


But, alas my friends... SPOILER ALERT...  It was a fucking horrifying clown beyond comprehension. 

But, there was a note!!!  Maybe it was my Arch Nemesis revealing themselves??  Maybe they were to set me free with the information of what the fuck was going on, why they were doing this to me, and/or when the fuck this was going to stop?!?



NOPE!!

It was a ridiculously clever, rhyming song about clown and my birthday.  Damn you, Arch Nemesis.  You creative fuck.

So what was in the package??  I bet you'd like to know.  Ok.  I'll share the horrors with you...  But remember, you fucking asked for it.



Oh.  Dear.  Cthulhu.


....


Maybe, it's not so bad.  Maybe I'll open my eyes and take another peek and it won't be so scary.

.......


Deep Breath.


....



Is... Is it just me or are it's eyes filled with death?!?!?!  BECAUSE I'M SURE THEY FUCKING ARE!!!!

I immediately searched for my support system.  And some of them reacted appropriately... 


Carlos:  This...  This is pretty fucked up.


Stephanie:  You have some fucked up friends.




My Work BFF and her husband were sure this would lead to my death...  Maybe.


But other people, like my own fucking daughters, thought differently.


Alyssa:  I like it.  Can I keep it in my room???


Jazzy:  Yeah.  We won't ever show you it.  Let us have it.


And that's when I knew that now both children were to be punished.  Til they were 35.  At the very fucking least.


But, much to my utter astonishment, they were not alone...


My brothers thought it was genius.

And my BFF thought it was horridly amazing.

As you could imagine, I was on pins and needles on my birthday.  We went to a lovely fondue place for dinner and ate our weight in cheese and chocolate.  And even in the midst of my food coma, I became increasingly anxious as we approached the house...


Was this it???  


Was this the moment where some random singing clown appears and "accidentally" kills me after I pull a gun and we struggle with it.  For our very LIVES...  And when that fateful BANG hits...



FYI:  When you google "gun wrestle", this shows up.  I just regained faith in 'Merica.

As luck would have it, there was no clown on my birthday.  And no clown the day after.  In fact, we've been Clown Incident Free for 5 whole god damned days now.  


And while I know it's not Thanksgiving yet, I just want to go on record saying that I am so very thankful that this threat is over...


Or is it???

Bum Bum BUMMMMMMMMMM


 

Monday, September 28, 2015

What's in the Box... The Second Coming

Do you guys remember my last post where I received a box full of clown

I'm sure you've been having horrid nightmares about this...  I know I have.


Well, I showed it to my kids and got the following 2 responses:


1.  Jazzy: "Can I borrow the notes and see the packages?  I'm sure I can figure out who sent this..."  

We've been watching a lot of Criminal Minds as of late... 


2.  Alyssa:  "The word "clown" is plural.  I bet you'll get more."

I'm sorry, Alyssa.  What did you just say???  And that's when I told her she was punished. 

Update:  Alyssa is still on punishment...


When I received the package, I actually assumed it would be the last.  Just a joke from my Arch Nemesis, right??  HAHA!!  YOU TOTALLY GOT ME!!!  


Unfortunately, I received this text from Carlos on Friday...

*Black and white coloring added for dramatic effect*

And this is what I looked like reading his text...  True story.



You could only imagine the state that this new information put me in.  Especially knowing that The Evil that was bound to be in that little box...  Waiting for me...  Waiting to be released...  But I had to put on my big girl pants and open that motherfucker.    


Because that's what it means to be an adult.  


Being an adult is stupid. 


I thought it would be easier this time because I knew what to expect.  But, alas...  That shit was still horrible.


Who knows what Evil lurks inside this box?!  I'm sure I do.  But maybe I was wrong!! 

Maybe it would be different this time?

Who would wrap evil in such nice TARDIS colored wrapping paper?!?

Maybe....  Oh.  Fucking.  Shit. 

 I THINK IT MOVED!!  RUN BITCHES!

Ok.  Maybe it didn't move?  Maybe...  Maybe it's just a doll.  Maybe this is all a misunderstanding?

Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  NOPE.  

Seriously.  NOPE.


After much crying in fetal position, I was able to get my shit together.  The weekend then came and I had decided that the threat was over.  It had to be.  For my sanity!!  And on Saturday, when I did not receive another package, I knew that I was in the clear!!  And so much festivities were had by all!!


Carlos and I went to a most glorious Beerfest where we dined on bacon covered bratwurst and drank to our heart's content!

We even pretended to be Hobbits playing Connect Four!!  I won, obviously... 



On Sunday, I knew I was safe.  Oh yes...  I was so safe...


Fine day indeed!!



Today is Monday.  Since I was feeling like dogshit with pants on, I decided to work from home.


Big Mistake...


Big.  Fucking.  Mistake. 

You guys...  I received a bag full of certain clown death...  ON A FUCKING MONDAY?!?!  You've gone too far now, my Arch Nemesis.  Too.  Fucking.  Far. 
 

Sure, the return address says "From The Big Top"...  But maybe it's not a clown this time...  Maybe it's ... sneakers?

Yes, this arrived in the mail for me today.  And I am frozen with fear as I sit in the house all alone.  I obviously cannot open it.  Not until Carlos comes home and we take the battleaxe off the wall.  I told Carlos to bring holy water and extra bullets...  Just in case... 


Come, old faithful.  We have work to do...