Tuesday, August 19, 2014

One day, somebody's gonna have to make a stand. One day, somebody's gonna have to say enough... AKA I'm going to start drinking Pepsi.

Most people dream of seeing their "name in lights," so to speak.  For you, that may be a promotion with a cushie VP next to your name.  For others, that may very well be their name in legit lights on Broadway...  Or written on a cardboard box under Broadway.  Hey...  Whatever floats your boat, man.  I'm not here to judge.

For me, however, it was finding my name on a Coke bottle.  I know...  It seems silly.  But I like my name on shit.  It's just how I roll.  

And so the search began...

I looked high...

I looked low...

I searched for weeks...

And after weeks, I began to worry...

But, like...  Seriously began to worry.

In fact, I became a lot like the crazy egg man in the movie Clerks.  (If you don't understand this reference, may the Gods have mercy on your soul.)

That's when someone told me that you could look online to see if your name was available.  "Hogwash!"  I thought to myself.  "Of course my name is available!!!  I mean, it's VALERIE for fuck sakes."

I mean, Valerie is a common name, really.

I mean, isn't it??

As it turns out, Coke had other plans for my destiny...

Access.  Denied.

Wait... WHAT???  My name is "really unique"?!?!  

And it's about this time what my family members began the mockings.

My brother has a bottle.

Sure, it's spelled wrong.  But it's the thought that counts.

Alyssa has found her name on 5 Coke bottles as of the date of this posting.

I'm not going to say that I'm affected by this...

 I mean, sure... I made a "virtual bottle" to try to make myself feel better.

But I can't drink this.  And also, screw you Coke!!!  You could at least make this shit look a LITTLE legit!!!  I mean, the fucking font doesn't even match what's really on the bottles.  HOW HARD IS IT TO MATCH FONT TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING!!!  Coke has the audacity to make some of us feel like the uncool kids in high school.  And that's not ok.  That's called BULLYING, Coke.  And, nowadays, that shit is totally frowned upon. 

And, just when I lost all my shits, is when I took matters into my own hands...

Hector???  Not today, my good man!!!

Because with a red sharpie and a container of white-out...

I can finally sit at the cool kid's table.

Suck it, Coke.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

His Last Grand Hurrah

My brother has recently come to the realization that he is in the early stages of... (gulp)...  Hair loss.  No man wants to go through this just as no woman wants to go through menopause.  But it happens.  And sadly, it needs to be addressed and dealt with.  

And what better way to deal with it than donning a wig and living like it's 1992...


Too Sexy for this Wig...

Too Sexy for this Wig...

So Sexy...
It hurts...

Remember lil bro:  You're not losing hair... You're gaining face.  And soon, you'll have a whole fucking head of marvelous face.  <3

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Egg Souls and Sundays kind of go hand in hand

I've been MIA again.  I know this.  You know this.  Even Yellow Dog knows this.  I'm sorry.  Life has been quite crazy lately.  I find it more difficult to keep up with this blog when I'm ridiculously happy.  Which is weird...  Since I'd like to think of this as a humor blog...  Which is easier when I'm happy, right?

Whatever.  I'm here now, baby.  Yeaaaa...  That's right... Don't worry your pretty little head.  Just rest it upon my bosom and everything will be ok.

Or not.  I mean, my bosom could be filled with C4 for all you know.  And I'm just crazy enough to pull off a stunt like that.  But that's a chance you're just gonna have to take.

Now on to more pressing subjects...

Today the girls wanted some pancakes.  I obliged because...  Pancakes YUM!  Anyway, I went to get the eggs to put in the mixture that included chocolate chips (because that's how we keeps shit realz up in this bitch) and this is what I found...

Ummmm....  Yea.  I think neither I nor the egg were ready for this.

Alyssa apparently had some fun with one of our eggs.  As I was about to crack him, I looked deeply into those terrified eyes and just couldn't.  

I couldn't eat him.

So I left him there and made our pancakes with different eggs.  Blank eggs.  Eggs that weren't pleading for their life with sad, sad eyes.  

I know, I'm such a good person.  Unfortunately, I'm a good person who really likes to eat eggs...  I boiled up that fucker an hour later for a delicious snack.

Yea, I'm also an asshole.

And as I cracked his face open and peeled the flesh from his carcass right before rubbing salt all over him, I laughed quite maniacally.  

Because that shit is just funny.

Don't judge me, people.  Don't judge me.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

The moment I lost ALL my fucks and my shit

As you may already know, my basement is haunted as all fuck.  As such, I usually avoid going down there at night at all costs.

But, like, ALL COSTS.

Seriously, once the sun goes down, you'd have to drag me down there by my hair, kicking and screaming bloody murder.  However, last week the boyfriend was coming over.  I realized what had to be done.  Unfortunately, I realized it at nighttime.  That's right...  My sheets had to be washed.

You know...  In...  In case I decided to lose my virginity.  Which I totally didn't.


Anyway...  I threw my sheets in the wash just as the sun was setting.  But unfortunately for me, they needed to go in the dryer and then be retrieved as well.  Which meant two additional trips to the basement.


Since I hadn't been down there at nighttime in quite a bit, I honestly approached the task unafraid...  Like a motherfucking fool.  Do you know what I got for my bravery?? 

A face full of bat.

Of Bat.


Now, I love animals.  I love bugs.  I love some people.  But you know what I don't love?  Do you know what I straight up hate???  Erratic flying things.  So, here I was moseying along when out of nowhere, a bat swoops my face.  Not once, you guys.  Because I didn't realize what was happening after the first swoop.  I thought I was, perhaps, finally going full blown crazy.  The second swoop corrected that feeling.  Yes, corrected it and sent me running upstairs at the speed of light.

When Alyssa saw me in the living room, leaning against the wall, losing all my shit, she did what any concerned pre-teen would do.  

She pointed and laughed...  Laughed until tears welled up in her eyes.  So, in turn, I did what any good mom would do.

I made her come down to the basement with me.  Because FUCK THAT NOISE!!!

My washer and dryer are located on the Dark Side of the basement.  Meaning, to get light on that side, one needs to walk into the darkness and pull the light on.  There are two sets of these lights.  Here...  I've drawn you a nifty diagram.  Because I'm a helper.

You're welcome.

Using my ninja stealth, I managed to get to light #1 and flick it on.  I surveyed the area, not finding the menace.  I immediately made a break for light #2.  And that's when it happened.

Light #1 broke, you guys.  Light #1 was down...  and I was in the middle of The Dark.  

Obviously, Alyssa and I handled this as to be expected.  Meaning, we ran screaming bloody murder back upstairs.

I'm sure you're thinking "Fuck, Val.  Just leave the sheets til morning!"  And that plan was all well and good...  If I hadn't been washing Scooby, my trusty stuffed animal.  

Don't judge me.

Never leave a man behind.  That's what they teach you...  Somewhere.  I don't know where...  Maybe that was in a movie?  Whatever, it's a damn good rule.  Unless, of course, you didn't like that man in the first place.  Then I'm pretty sure it's ok to leave him behind.  Then the death isn't you're fault.  Not... Really.

But I love Scooby...  And we were on a search and rescue mission.  Scooby needed to get to that dryer, then to my bed.  And so, we went down there again.

Did I mention that, being a responsible adult, I don't have any flashlights?  Yea.  I meant to get on that at some point.  But didn't.  Whatever, man.  There's a fucking flashlight on my phone.  I was going for light #2...  So I left my phone flashlight with Alyssa with specific instructions...  In fact, our plan was flawless...

  1. Army-crawl to light #2
  2. Turn light on
  3. Should light go off, have Alyssa on standby with phone light aimed and ready to go
  4. Survey area for immediate erratically flying threats
  5. Get Scooby and sheets into dryer
  6. Turn off light because electricity is expensive as all fuck
  7. Fucking.  Run.

It was a good plan.  A strong one.  Hell, man.  It was all we had.  Do you remember the Little Mermaid incident?  You know...  The one where Alyssa secretly recorded me singing to one of my favorite movies?  Yea...  Well, this time she videoed me freaking out in my basement.  Because she is a sweetheart.  

I wasn't gonna post this video...  Because obviously I'm a big floppy pussy in it.  But, if you all promise not to show anyone, I think we'll be good.

I can trust you all right??

I thought so.

But before the video, I'm sure you're wondering what became of the bat.  Well, it disappeared.  You read that right.  The fucker disappeared!!  Which only really leaves one explanation...


I have a hobo vampire squatting in my basement.

This fucker is SO haunted.

I need to move before the walls start bleeding and a disembodied voice tells me to get out.


Stop judging me...

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Attack of Spiderzilla

Monday morning I was minding my own business...  Just moseying on about my morning routine.  My dining room has a large sliding closet where I keep my recyclables, Odd's food bin and the broom, amongst other items. And just like any other morning, I opened the closet, scooped some food into Odd's bowl and went to go close the closet door.

And that's when I saw it...


I don't know if the picture does this thing justice...  But this fucker was huge.  And angry...  And I'm pretty sure she was suffering from gamma radiation poisoning.  Which is exactly why, instead of killing it (which is bad luck by the way!!!), I just slowly closed the closet door and walked away.

Me:  Children, I have an announcement.  We, as a family, have surrendered the use of the dining room closet.  It shall henceforth be occupied only by The One Known As Spiderzilla.  No one is to go in there again.  I repeat...  No.  One.  Is.  To.  Go.  In.  There.  Again.

Alyssa & Jazz:  OMG!!!  CAN WE SEE THE SPIDER!!!

So... I grudgingly showed them why we are no longer using said closet.  It was a 2-1 vote that we should indeed just let it go.  Of course Jasmyn was all "Just kill it!  It's just a bug, mommy!" It's NOT just a bug, Smarty Pants!!!  IT'S AN ARACHNID!!!

Fucking kid.

Unfortunately, my mom also had a different opinion...  That involved Spiderzilla leaving the shrine we had devoted to her... and taking over the apartment...  with a plethora of children...  who, for some horrible reason, want to climb into my ears and lay eggs in my brain.

I need my brain, you guys.  For watching cat videos on the internet and such.

So...  It was decided.  Spiderzilla had to die.

Our weapons were chosen appropriately for the battle that lay ahead.

Using my Ultra Ninja Stealth Mode, I opened the closet prepared for attack!

Determined and ready to face our glory... or demise, Jazz and I rushed forward.


But alas, she was nowhere to be seen.

We had to get deeper...  Into the heart of the closet.  Where her nest would be.  The battle-ready warriors marched on.

At this point I began to think that we may never find her...  That she may have evolved into some Predator-like animal.  Her camouflage would be beyond our comprehension.  It was also at this point that I began to wonder if Jasmyn's heart was really in the fight.

While her soul was pure, there was no doubt in that...  I began to wonder if she really even wanted to find The One Known As Spiderzilla.

No, seriously Kid.  Do you even have my back on this??

And that's when I realized our prey had won.  You live to fight another day, Spiderzilla...  Just PLEASE don't put your babies in my ears!!!!

Sunday, June 8, 2014

It's Happening Again. That thing called... MONDAY

And this is exactly how I will be feeling as soon as I wake up.  I can just tell.

I can't even handle the thought of this Monday bullshit tomorrow.  So instead, I'll busy myself with funny internet thingies...  You're welcome.

If you watch Doctor Who, this will be funny.  If you don't, you better just get on that shit now.  Seriously, man... 

This oddly reminds me of Jasmyn...  I'm not really sure why.

I want to eat it anyway...  Maybe I can absorb the evil and get some awesome mutant powers. 

Problem pretty much solved.

No matter how bad our day goes, you guys...  At least it's not as bad as the day this guy's junk is having. 


This is priceless.

I wonder if he also has free candy in there...  Because I'm so in.

I need to obtain a mannequin head...  For science.

Monday is the best day to buy shoes.  I think if shoe companies were smart, they'd give out Monday Coupons. 


Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Roller Coasters... The Ninth Level of Hell

If you guys have been following for a while, you may have noticed that I like to do some unusual and exciting things.  Hang gliding, sky diving, cage diving with great white sharks...  Yea, I've done those.  

Roller coasters though?  Well, I go on them, yes.  But do I like them?  Fuck no.  I mean, I love them...  After the ride is over and my feet are safely planted back on the ground? Fuck yea it's the best feeling ever!  But during the actual ride?  Nah, man...  I could kill a bitch.

In fact, I might be known to curse bloody murder at anyone in my general vicinity.  


Ok... It's true.  I simply lose my shit.  Every time.  My kids think it's hilarious.  Recently, we went to Hershey Park and Jasmyn was finally able to go on her very first big girl roller coaster.  

But this coaster was no joke, guys.  Seriously.  It was of the boomerang variety...  Which means it pulls you back up really fucking high (like "oh! I can see my car from here" high), shoots you through various loops at intense speeds (that I'm pretty sure the Gods frown upon) and then does it again...  BACKWARDS (because THAT'S exactly what we all fucking need in our lives).

To say that I spent the entire 30 seconds of the ride cursing everyone whom were not only on the ride, but designed it in the first place, would be an understatement.  In fact, the kids in front of me learned some colorful new phrases that day.*

*On a side note, I'm especially sorry to anyone who had to explain to their children what a "thundercunting cocknibbler" was.  My bad.  And I didn't really mean it when I yelled "you're mom had a herpes flare up the night she birthed you out of her who-ha."  That's most likely not true.  I mean...  It could be, but that wasn't the time nor the place to receive news of that magnitude.  It should probably be at a fondue restaurant.  I hear they're really nice.  And nothing says love like a nice cheese platter.  However, it would seem that I am only able to speak in profanities when I am frightened.  It's the ol' "fight or flight or curse everyone out" response trigger.  And that's just built into our subconscious. I can't be blamed for nature, you guys.  

Well, whilst I was busy making lots of new friends on the ride, Jasmyn was screaming "THIS.  IS.  AWESOME!!!!!" at the top of her lungs.

I'm not saying she was trying to make me look like a fool out there... But it is Jasmyn.  So, she was most likely trying to make me look like a fool out there.

Luckily, she couldn't get on the next ride I went on with Alyssa and my brother. 

Because she MIGHT of had some serious ammunition on this one.

Just... Maybe...