Tuesday, December 9, 2014

A Summary of What Has Come to Pass

I had every intention of writing a post tonight.  Then I realized how long it had been since I actually wrote one.  I immediately started panicking thinking about all the stuff I didn't write.  And all the stuff I should write.  And all the stuff I have to write.  And then I heard a popping noise...  Kind of more like a pop/snap...  And I that's when I realized it was the sound of my sanity breaking. 

But we can't have that...  No...  For the good of humanity, we cannot.

So, I'm just going to put up some random pictures that I found on my phone.  This shall be known as the cliff notes of the past few months.  If it makes no sense, just know that I tried.


Mother Nature, much to my delight, proved that she was a total pervert.

I had to get rid of my old car, Bubbles.  Although she is very much missed, we are very excited to have our new car.  I decided she needed a name that was as ferocious as her...  But still showed that she liked some good ol' fashioned belly scratchins!  It is from this that the name of Fluffy was born.

I went to Radio City for the first time.  And it was as amazing as I knew it would be.

My best friend, Nicole, found the most amazing place to take me for my birthday...  A place that will never be matched by anyone.  Ever.  No matter how hard they try.
That's right!  She took me to a Doctor Who Burlesque Show.  Which we are convinced was put together by the Powers That Be specifically for my birthday.


I was able to enjoy a topless Fluffy for a hot second...  Before the Death Season came upon us.

Alyssa won't stop growing!!!! 

My awesome pal, Misty Laws, sent me some amazeball birthday swag!!

My brother convinced a cake writer to write "Happy Birthday You Cunt" on my cake...  Because I have the best family EVER!!!  Obviously!

On the grand finale of my birthday season, fireworks were displayed outside my kitchen window for my enjoyment.

I went to ComicCon with the boyfriend...
And we fucking crushed it.

We also went on vacation to Jamaica. 

And I proved to my brother that Corona Commercials are legit.

NOM NOM NOM!!  CAKE!!! 

There was an issue with spiders...  But I don't wanna talk about it.

I found the perfect pumpkin!!

And realized that traffic isn't always horrible...

But it does require shots and a big ol' Fuck You sometimes.

Halloween came!  And Jasmyn will also not stop growing...

There were way more clowns than I'm ok with out on the streets this year.  I blame American Horror Story for this.

I found a mug that was made just for me!

And I realized that there is an expiration date on how long you can leave a pumpkin out for...
Because they really can go from zero to total evil in a blink of an eye


My brother and I found an amazing and shady place to have a drink.

The girls and I slammed the competition in Fort Making.

I totally fell in love...  

Beer!!!

Jasmyn is still not taking shit from anyone.

I became an aunt again!!!!  Because I'm obviously the best at it!

I declared my dominance over this cat by Booping it.  It was not pleased.

We adopted baby dragons.

I saw a football game in a fancy suite box like a high rollin' motherfucker...

This is a peanut that you can drive.

My period did not destroy me.  So, that's good.

I realized what Carlos and I will be doing soon.

I am, in fact, not a high roller.  And should probably just slow my roll entirely.  But...  What fun is that??  BET IT ALL ON ODD!!!

SANTA!!!!  I KNOW HIM!!!!

So...  You are just about caught up.  I left some shit out for future posts.  But you'll thank me later.

Whew...  I feel a little less overwhelmed now.  I think I can totally get back into this.  :)



Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Little Known Facts About Ladybugs... And How They Relate to Your Life and Shit.

When I say the word "ladybug" to you, what is your first thought?  Now, since I obviously can't hear you (because my super secret spy cam which allows me to watch your every move is on the fritz), I'll have to assume that you said something along the lines of "sweet little bug" or "perhaps not always a lady but from a generally nice family" or even "the only bug that would not throw battery acid in your face for looking at her boyfriend".  How do I know this?  Well, it's because that's what I used to think of when I saw a ladybug.

Used.  To.

Picture it:  My car.  2014.  I was driving along when I noticed a wee little lady bug crawling on my windshield.  
 
Me:  Now, how did you get in here, Ms. Ladybug?
Ladybug:  *Stops and turns around to walk towards me*
Me:  Oh!  Look at you!  All friendly and shit!
Ladybug:  *Climbs up windshield to ceiling*

Awww!!  Somebody's lost!!


I'm sure you are probably having the same thoughts that I was at this moment:  "Aww!  This poor lil guy needs some help getting out of the car."  And THIS is where you would be wrong.

Dead wrong.

"It'll be a cold day in Valhalla before I ask a human for directions!!"

Me:  Did you get stuck in here and are in need of some assistance??
Ladybug:  *Comes closer to me and begins to pace*
Me:  No need to get antsy!!  HAHAHA!!  You see what I did there???

And that's when all hell broke loose...

"A cold day, indeed..."

The seemingly innocent ladybug picked that moment to launch its guns-blazing attack.

That's right.  The fucker flew at me.

The fucker flew at my face.

That motherfucker flew at my face whilst I was doing 80 on a highway.

Have you ever had one of those moments when time slowed down just enough for you to think "How the fuck did this even happen?  Where did I go wrong in the events of my day to lead me here??"

Do you ever think that maybe life is just one big "Choose Your Own Ending" book...  And that maybe you made all the wrong choices?  

Although I may have made the wrong choices, luckily this was not my day to die, my friends. Nay!  This day was a happy one...  Because I survived.

But please, PLEASE learn from my mistakes...

Never EVER make ant jokes at ladybugs.  They have no fucking sense of humor whatsoever!!!

But seriously though... And I say this because I love you all so very hard.

Watch your back out there.  Evil has a new face.  And it has polka dots.

Monday, November 3, 2014

They may take our lives... But they'll never take our FREEDOM!!!

This isn't a real post.  I'll have one soon.  I promise.  You guys ever get so happy in your life that you're basically not motivated to do anything?  Because that's pretty much where I am right now.  But I had to share something with you all.  Because I'm a giver...

Listen, let's get one thing straight.  I'm not here to judge.  I grew up in not the fanciest of places.  Hell man, I often fix things with duct tape.  Basically, what I'm saying is... I'm not a snooty motherfucker.  Not at all.  But, we have to all come together to admit something once and for all...  Redneck is redneck as ghetto is ghetto. 

And the moment you sardine can up your car so that you can have a sunroof, you might want to reestablish your goals in life...

That's right.  This car roof was cut into and rolled up like a giant can of sardines as this playa enjoyed his day.

And I bet he was big pimpin' this out on the most glorious of days.  I applaud you, son.  To hell with Mother Nature and the upcoming winter.  

You do you, dawg...   

You.  Do.  You.

Monday, October 6, 2014

On a Most Serious Note...

Something recently happened to me and I need to get this out.  You know, mull it over.  And what better way to do that then to write about it.  I know that this is usually a funny sort of blog (hopefully anyway...), but this shit is about to get really real.  For reals.  So if you aren't ready for this, you might want to look away.  


It's ok...  I won't be mad. 


Now that I've prefaced this and you know what to expect out of this post, it's time for us to have a talk.  I think...  I think I might...


God damn it.  This is so much fucking harder than I thought it would be.


You guys, I think I might be a Disney Princess.


No, fuckers.  Seriously.  


Ok.  Let me tell you a little story of a girl who went to go walk her dog on a bitterly cold morning and almost stepped in poo.  Except it wasn't poo.  Nopity nope.



It was a wee little baby bird which Odd was quite confused by...  Since he tried to eat it.


I know what you're thinking right now.  "Listen Valerie the Almighty Magnificent One, lots of people find baby birds."  And to this I say, yes.  But can they do this??


I just sang it a little song and up it popped upon my finger.

I cut up a worm for this little asshole whom we shall just call "Captain Abraham Knockwurst of the Seven Seas AKA The Captain" (Because that is his name).  Then I promptly dry heaved for 15 minutes.

I later found an awesome bird sanctuary by me.  You'll all be happy to know that he was put together with a few more of his kind (Gold Finches) and recently released into the wild.


I'm a motherfucking hero like that.


I know.  I know.  I just blew your mind.  Well, go on and scoop those brains up and pop them back in, because the very same week this happened.


Why yes.  Yes that is a baby squirrel.  And it's not even baby squirrel season, man.  That's how serious this is.


If you're thinking "Holy Shit.  Squirrels are finally gonna take over the universe and they outnumber us like a million to one or maybe more like ten.  Or not.  Why haven't I googled this kind of thing before.  I'm not even prepared for this!!"  You would have had the same reaction I did.  In fact, I tried to back away slowly, but the little jerk followed me and hopped on my fucking foot. 



Don't judge my pirate socks and ninja shoes.


Did I mention I was a sucker?  


Because I am.


Luckily, the little guy just needed to refuel for the night.  Once properly fed and hydrated, he turned into quite the little asshole.  


And so, Doctor Awesome was released back into the wild with a full belly and a taste for vengeance.  Ok, maybe not so much with the vengeance part.  But I'd like to think so.

He was totally siked.

I stood pretty far away so he didn't maul me like that rabbit in Monty Python's Holy Grail movie.

I've seen these kinds of things go bad too often.

Ok, not really.  But all those evil squirrel urban legends have to be based on some sort of fact.


Now tell me...  You look at this shit and tell me I'm not a Disney Princess.  Because I'm thinking I might be.  And what does that mean for me??  Does that mean I need to shave my legs on a regular basis and wear fancy pants dresses?? 


Because I'm not ready for that


Holy shit, you guys...  Holy.  Fucking.  Shit.


Does this mean that I need to...  Gulp...  Stop cursing????


Well, fuck THAT noise.  Fuck it right in the ass...  Prison style. 


This is basically the only type of Disney Princess I could be.  Now... Where the fuck is my movie deal??