The Magic of Punctilious Coitus... A Guest Post Brought to you by Pickleope

Hi Guys!!  Because I've been having a bit of a tough time lately, the one and only Pickleope has so generously decided to do a guest post.  I am not only thankful, but should I have a third born I shall give it as an offering of my thankfulness.  In such case that a third child is not an option, a well-formed poo shall be considered.  But only on a non-corn eating night. Because that's cheating.


So, without further ado, I bring you Pickleope...

Thank you to the Almighty Val, Provider of Mannequin Limbs, for allowing me the opportunity to invade her space. Any reader here knows that Val specializes in the offbeat, often disturbing. So I hope to do her proud by also injecting horrific mental imagery into your brains. Let's begin, shall we?

Martha Stewart and Anthony Hopkins used to date. And by "date," I mean "rubbed their wrinkly liver-spotted meat sacks together and made strangely accented moaning noises."

You know that thing Anthony Hopkins does in Silence of the Lambs after he talks about pairing human with a nice Chianti? "Ffftffftfftttfftt." He probably did that thing with his mouth ON Martha Stewart. 

The good part about sex with Martha Stewart is, you know she cleans up everything right afterward or at least knows the best potpourri to pair with Anthony Hopkins/Martha Stewart sex stank. Also, Martha's hot. No getting around it, she's a pretty lady. She used to be a model! But she's famous because of how anal retentive she is. She turned OCD into an artform. Wait, I just put it together, "anal"! Of course! She probably also can crochet some sexy lingerie (can you imagine how itchy lingerie made from yarn would be). 

Oh nothing, just a young Martha Stewart modeling with a cow. You're welcome.

So, I get why people want to get down with Martha, but that still leaves Anthony Hopkins. Who wants to get down with A-Hop? Is he such a great actor that he can act like an awesome lay? He often portrays fastidious characters, perhaps that's what attracted Ma Stew to Tony Hops. 

He's gonna eat that kitten. Bye bye kitten. Enjoy becoming a Hopkins turd. 

Regardless, let's take a trip to imagination land and picture their ultra-meticulous naked slappy time. It probably lasted hours, not the actual sex, but the preparation, finding the perfect angle, "how was that grunt? Let me have another take. Ugh--no wait--Ohagh", trying to glisten precisely, repositioning boob, trimming hair, testicle fluffing, labial makeup, and so on.

Alas, though, their relationship is no more, but for a brief moment in time, the most fussbudgety (someone has a thesaurus) sex in all of history between two geriatrics took place. Yes, there is magic in the world, kids. 

Thanks again to the House of the Flying Platypi for this opportunity. 

I was TOTALLY gonna write an EPIC blog post tonight, but then... Vodka.

I'm sorry guys, but it's gonna be ok though.  I've got an ridonkulously epic guest post coming up on Tuesday from Pickelope.  No, really.  It gave me nightmares...  And I don't scare easily.


Unless you're a clown in the woods.  Then I'll shit my pants and fall into fetal position every time.  


Every.  Time.


So, until then, I leave you with this lovely thought for Monday...  There is a website out there called that will anonymously deliver elephant, gorilla or cow poop to someone you hate. 


Oh yes.  You just read that right.  


So, if you're bored tomorrow or feel slighted in the least, do the right thing and send a gallon on shit to someone who deserves it.  I know I will be doing it.  Hell, the person I'm thinking of deserves a truckload.  I might just splurge!!!  


Because I'm a giver, guys.  


Have a happy Monday filled with poo flinging!!!


Hugs!


Valerie

The Clown's Natural Habitat is Hell, Not the Woods

I like hiking.  I love being outdoors.  I love following the blue trail which always gets me lost.  Always.  But you know what I don't love?  I don't love hiking out into the middle of nowhere and finding a demonic clown.  I can pretty much say that that is the exact opposite of my perfect day.

If you weren't aware, I have a phobia of clowns.

I don't even want to begin to tell you how much vodka it took for this to happen.  But I surprisingly didn't die of alcohol poisoning or terror, so that's good.

Right now you may be thinking to yourself that it's probably not likely to find a clown whilst hiking.  That's what I thought too, my friends.  I, too, was allured by the safety of nature.  The serenity of it all.  Oh sure, you run into your machete wielding fiends every now and again... 

...BUT NEVER THIS!!!

Don't believe me?  CLICK HERE IF YOU DARE!  Apparently, one of the park employees in Florida thought it would be a real fun idea to put this absolutely terrifying clown mannequin a few miles into a hiking trail.


I don't find this funny.


I don't find this funny one bit.


I hope you're real proud of yourself, Mr. Anonymous Park Employee.  You not only  ruined my sleep for the next month, but also hiking for the rest of my life.  


I hope clowns eat your soul, you selfish son of a bitch.

They're coming for you, asshole.  And this time, it's personal.

Today is Hawaiian Shirt Day... on Pluto

Remember that time I got a wrong text and made a new friend through our mutual love of the FOREVER PLANET, Pluto?  Oh, you don't?  Ok, CLICK HERE to refresh your memory.


Now do you remember??  Good!  Yea, well that is still going on.  I know what you're thinking...  NO!  I haven't been arrested...  Yet.  Mostly because no one will lend me a picture of their dick to send.  


Ok, that's not true.  I am just having problems finding a monacle and top hat small enough for a penis.

Only the classiest of penis pictures for my stalking victims!!!

Anyway, the important thing here is that Pluto and I have decided that today is Hawaiian Shirt day.  It was going to be Monday, but then it rained and Hawaiian shirts weren't weather appropriate.  And the last thing we all want to do is look like Gary Busey.

This is exactly what happens when you wear a Hawaiian shirt in inclement weather.  The sad thing is, Gary doesn't even DO drugs!!!

So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans today...  Just print out this blog post and show your boss that this shit is legit.

 HAPPY HAWAIIAN SHIRT TUESDAY EVERYONE!!!!  You're welcome!

For the Love of Emily... Part II of the Misty Files

When we last left our heroines, Misty the Magnificent and Valerie the Vivacious, they had ventured out to a mannequin store and out to dinner for some much needed shenanigans.  What you didn't know was that there was another stop.  At fateful stop.  A stop that our dear girls would remember forever...  The stop that brought them to Emily at the Flying Dog Beer Brewery, which is my second favorite place in all the land. 

First place?  That would be Harry Potter Land!!!

I'm sure you already know who Emily is, since she is pretty much the most fantastic person ever created.  Well...  Besides Misty & Valerie anyway.  And this is probably why they knew she was to be their third.  The trifecta was complete. 


It's just like that movie, The Craft.  Except with more-boobie-bouncing-in-slow-motion walking whilst drinking beer, and less witchcraft.  Seriously, close your eyes and imagine all the beer...  And boobies.  

You're Welcome.

Anyway, the tour started out simple enough.  We walked through the factory and were shown some beer making stuff.  I was really awesome at NOT licking anything.  Even though I wanted to.  FUN FACT:  Licking is 9/10ths ownership.  That shit is law.  And I would know.  Because I have an amazing friend who's a lawyer!


So, now I shall take you on our tour through a picture montage.  And, for your listening pleasure, I have selected THIS SONG for you to listen to in the background.  Because no picture montage is complete without a kickass sound track.  Everyone knows that!!

Upon arriving, we were greeted to the most awesome throne known to man.  It was roped off...  So I could not lick it.  I'm pretty sure there were laser beam traps as well. 

And then we walked into the beer tasting room.  With each tour, you get 5 tags that let you have cups of beer.  No, really...  YOU GET TO PICK 5 BEERS TO DRINK!!!  But only after the tour.  Not before.  And at first Misty and I didn't understand why.

This is Emily.  Look at her in all her spender!!  GAZE UPON HER MAGNIFICENCE!!!  Ok. Now look away.  LOOK AWAY I SAID!!  Don't get greedy.  She's already spoken for.

This was the Wall of Awesome explaining the history of the beer company, Flying Dog, through pictures of silliness and awesomeness...  And also interpretive dance.  However, we didn't get to see the interpretive dancers since they are off on weekends. 

No, really.  The wall is fucking fabulous.

We were pretty sure that this was a cicada painted on the wall.  It's like they KNEW I was coming!!!  Actually, they DID know I was coming.  Because Misty had emailed them to let them know what a FAN I was of their delicious beer.  Because she's a PLANNER, guys.  It's one of the many reasons I love her so.

They even had a parking spot just for us...  I'm sure Emily is the one behind this!!!

So we went off on the tour....  On our continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before...  Well, no one since the last tour anyway. 

When Misty and I saw this we quickly formulated a plot to go skinny dipping in there with the beer.  The plan was nearly perfect!

And then we looked inside and decided against........

OHMYGOD!!!!!  BUTTONS!!!!

I FUCKING LOVE BUTTONS!!!!!

And that's when Misty and I realized why we were not allowed to have alcohol before this began.  So, instead, we gazed longingly at it from afar.

But then Emily was all "Fear not, my beautiful little tourees!!!  For I have beer for yo......

OHMYGOD!!!!!  A BUCKET!!!   I FUCKING LOVE BUCKETS!!!  I read that midgets live in there.

And then Emily was all "If you two don't stop it, you shall go into the Dirty Corner!!!  Midgets do not live here!!"  But she didn't say it with her mouth...

She said it with her beautiful eyes...

And then she was all "Fuck it.  Here's more beer!"

And then I ended up in the Dirty Corner...   But it's ok.  I'm kinky like that.  And I think Emily knew... 

Did I mention that both Misty and I have decided to win the lottery and buy this place so that we can live here??  Also, we found Rainer's doppelganger.  LUCKYYYYY!!!  I'm dying to find mine.  I hope she's really fat.  Then I could be the skinny doppelganger...  And then we'd....

OHMYGOD!!!!  SQUIRREL SLED!!!!!!!  I FUCKING LOVE SQUIRREL SLEDS!!!!  The perfect plan.  I feel like maybe Emily put this here for us to find.  Like a scavenger hunt, if you will.  But the end treasure is her heart.  But, not like...  Beating and bloody in my hand heart.  Geez guys.  I'm talking about love.  And also, cookies.  I want a cookie.

Then Emily took us into the warehouse where we found THIS LITTLE GUY!!  Holy shit, you guys.  I really need to work here.  Then Misty started chatting Emily up, because she's SUPER smooth like that.  And things were going good.  Until I told her about the time I bought a Karate Championship Medal at an antique store and wore it around shopping all day, telling people I was a karate master.  There was an awkward pause.  But Misty saved the day by asking the question that was atop our lips from the moment we stepped into the brewery...

How in the hell can we get a job here?!?!  I could see in Emily's eyes that she wanted to hire us on the spot.  In fact, I'm pretty sure she did, because she scratched her nose.  And all good spies know that the scratching of the nose is the universal sign for "You're hired."  Or... Maybe it's "We just got married."  So, Misty and I are either already hired there or now married to Emily.  I'm pretty sure it's both.

And then the tour came to the end...  So they dropped us off in the bar area to GET OUR DRINK ON!!  WHAT WHAT?!?!  ....  Sorry...  That "what what" part sounded more epic in my head.

Whatever.  CHECK OUT THE BEER LIST!!!!!!

So there we sat. bullshitting, laughing, bonding with Emily.  You know...  Pretty much the perfect da...

OHMYGOD!!!!  MANNEQUINS!!!  I LOVE MANNEQUINS!!!  CAN THIS DAY GET ANY BETTER?!?!?!

The answer to that is:  YES!!!  For Emily then removed the red rope and let me and Misty sit upon the throne.  Because we are QUEENS!!  But, like...  Royalty.  Not men dressed as women.  I don't have a penis, guys.  Seriously...  If I did, it would have already been in one of the pictures.  I would now show you how amazing my girl, Misty, looked on the throne.  But I can't.  Because your eyes would implode in your heads.  SHE'S THAT AMAZING!!!  I mean, look at the day she planned!!!!

And then Misty completed this survey for the both of us.  Because we interview as a team!!!  And because Misty is clever...  And can spell without Google.  Yea, she's pretty much the perfect gal.  Well, her and Emily.

Oh, Emily.  You wonderful little thing, you!

Then Misty disappeared to go to the gift shop and left me unattended.  And...  Well, people kept giving me more tags for free beer.  And I'm not a wasteful person, guys.  I want to save the planet.  And if that means I gotta drink some beer...  Then, gosh darn it!!  I'M GONNA TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM. 

But the dude there was all "We're closing soon."  So I did what any respectable girl would do...  I chugged.  Suddenly, Misty returned and we went to stalk...  I mean say goodbye to...  Emily.  And we took the most epic group picture known to man.  Yes.  We were all wearing almost the same shoes.  HELLO!!!  SOULMATES!!!

And that's when we decided we needed to leave Emily a note saying how much we appreciate her.  I mean, she just met us and already she provided us with a job, a marriage and a Gods damned throne!!!  Who does shit like that?!  I'll tell you who.  Emily.  But how does one portray this in a note?!  We aren't poets.  We are just 2 really fucking awesome people.  Not to mention, that we had no ribbons to even attempt to perform the Dance of Love.  Then it hit us.  BAM!!   And just like that Emily would know how much she meant to us. 

We love you Emily!!  Even if you DO have a restraining order against us.  We know how you really, truly feel...  Deep, deep down.  <3 <3 <3

Mannequins and Shenanigans!

It's a tale as old as time, my friends.  Girl meets Girl over the internet.  Girls realize how awesome their counter part is.  Girls simply MUST meet up.  Girls fall in love.  And the story I am going to share with you is no different.  Except it doesn't end in porn music on top of a copy machine with a pizza man and a midget riding a tricycle in the corner...  Because we're ladies.

Misty <3 Valerie <3 Misty

When I started this blog last year, I had no idea what I was doing or how to do it.  It was pretty confusing at first.  And then I met Misty from Misty's Laws.  She was pretty much a Goddess to me.  And not only did she help show me the way and pimp out my blog, but she also sent me a birthday card with a Sasquatch on it.  

Here is my friend, Sasquatch, trying to reenact the epicness of the card Misty sent me.  Don't tell him that it can't be done.  He's really trying hard.

But, she...  She, like, mailed the card.  With stamps and a postman and shit.  One of the best feelings in the world is getting mail that isn't a bill or some crappy piece of junk.  Misty is the bees knees, guys.  And I was going down to Maryland to meet her!!  We had been planning this forever, and it was finally going to happen! 

Even better??  We were meeting during Kenny's Shorts Season!!!!

And then life got complicated...  So this trip came at the perfect time.  Even better, I had convinced my partners in crime, Nicole & Rainer, to come along with me.  They MADE this journey.  Without them, I would probably be crumpled up at the side of I-95 in fetal position dressed as a beagle.  

Rainer, Me & Nicole

Misty was just as perfect as I dreamed she would be.  With her beaming smile and fantastic laugh, she lit up my soul.  This was our first meeting, and she had planned the most epic of days...  Beginning with a mannequin store.


You read that right.


Misty.  Brought.  Me.  To.  A.  Mannequin.  Store.  

Mannequin Store, guys...  MANNEQUIN STORE!!!!

I can't even right now with the awesomeness of this girl.  Seriously.  I would post a picture of her right now, but your head would just end up exploding from the pure Epic radiating from her person.  It's like she's made up of equal parts Time Lord and TARDIS essence, with a splash of Unicorn and Glitter.

HEY MANNEQUINS!!!  HOW'S IT GOING?!?!

That awkward moment when you're the mannequin who is perpetually cold.

If only he had a head...  Then I would put him next to the alien in my neighbor's yard.

I even got to bring home a keepsake!  I told the guys who worked there that I had my own mannequin shop...  But I didn't sell them.  No, I just dress them up and keep them on display.  Because I love them. Strangely enough, they just nodded their heads as a single tear rolled down their cheeks.  The love of mannequins is a language all in itself.

Me & Mannequin Hand flippin' gang signs and shit.

That evening, we were off to dinner at a cool English themed pub.  All of us together, like a family should be!!!  I had chicken, Misty had fish, Nicole had Shepard's pie and Rainer ordered every piece of meat ever created on a sandwich.

That's, like, 27 layers of meat...  and some cheese.

Even Rainer stood back in awe at the meal he was about to consume.

Silence fell among us as the monster was brought on board.  We suddenly understood why the waitress had chuckled when Rainer placed his order.  But he would not let some girl mock him.  Nay!  Come hell or high water, Rainer would finish this meal........

Nom Nom Nom

He came pretty close too.  I would have taken pictures, but then...  Alcohol!!!  And  Presents!!!  Because Misty was by soulmate, I bought her the only thing I could have.  Stanley Bicher's bitch.  I licked it for good luck.  And also because I like licking things.  

For luck!  And also to make it weird.

It's true...  I have a history of it.

Chair

Ironic Flamingo

Trash

Misty got me the gift of Platypi and Alcohol.  Because she knows me.  Almost too well...  In fact, I'm pretty sure she's outside my window right now.  Which is good...  Because I left her some bagels and a My Little Pony Thermos full of coffee.  (It's under my car behind the right tire, Misty.)


I can't wait to tell you about the rest of our day together later this week.  But first, I shall leave you with this.  Because this is the closest I will come to meeting the TARDIS.  So, I licked it.

NAILED IT!!!