Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Dat Sweet, Sweet Robe

I own possibly the most comfortable robe in all of the lands.  The Robe was originally given to me by my BFF many eons ago.  I can only imagine that it had once belonged to royalty, which would explain its extreme superiority to all other clothing in existence.  It is one of my most prized possessions.  So prized, in fact, that my children recently fought over who would take ownership of said robe when I passed on to Valhalla. 

Here we have Mannequin Child doing what she does best... Standing in the corner creepily pointing off into the distance.  She also happens to be wearing The Robe.
  

At first thought, since I have 2 daughters and it would not be fair to chose only one of them to live the rest of their life in comfort and luxury, I had decided to be buried in it.  But that would be most selfish of me.  I mean, sure, I'd never part with it...  My corpse would slowly rot into The Robe merging us as one.  Just as I've always fantasized.  Forever intertwined as we should be.

But, alas, that would be rather selfish of me.  No one would ever know the gentle softness that is The Robe.  Its like being hugged by clouds that were not made by Care Bears.  Like...  Legit fucking fluffy, white, non-evil clouds and shit.

No...  Much like Rose from Titanic, this Robe needs to go on...  

And On...

There was only one feasible solution.  To split ownership of The Robe.  It was then decided that Jazzy would take odd months, and Alyssa the evens.  On the first of every month, the switch would happen.  The sisters will need to meet in a public place of mutual choice.  The Robe must be cleaned and fluffed (Professional Fluffer hiring would be optional).  The Robe must also be gift wrapped in the most elaborate fashion possible.  I'm talking gaudy wrapping paper and bows so ridiculous Martha Stewart would jizz in her pants. 

But that's not all, my friends!!  Oh fuck no, it isn't!  

The Receiver of The Robe must then open it in the public place and cry out like they just won a bazillion dollars.  The Receiver is then to share a story with a total stranger about why this robe is so special and why she is so excited to receive it.

And each time, the story must be different and totally ridiculous...  Enough so to make me smile down upon them both, glowing with pride.

I already informed my girls that this will be written into my will.  Hence, it must happen or they will burn in Hell for all eternity, or some shit.

Needless to say, the girls cannot wait until I die...

Sunday, January 4, 2015

I'll take "Things Normal People Would Say" for the win, Alex

I've been practicing talking like "normal people" lately.  So, in case of emergency, I can blend almost seamlessly into a crowd.  

 I think it's been going well so far...  Well, as best as can be expected...




As it turns out it's not that hard at all!!!


Fucking.  Nailed.  It.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Shitter's Full!!!

We finally set up our tree the other day...

The tree set up went rather smoothly...  We just had a little trouble getting the decapitated Santa head on to the top of the tree.

But with a little elbow grease, it wasn't a problem.

This

Normally

Scheduled

Blog

Post

Has

Been

Interrupted

By

A Minion

Wait...  No...

Uhhhhh....  Awkward...

Nope!

It's

Been

Captured

By...

The One And Only...

Jasmyn
In other news, we finally got Santa's head to stay on.




Tuesday, December 9, 2014

A Summary of What Has Come to Pass

I had every intention of writing a post tonight.  Then I realized how long it had been since I actually wrote one.  I immediately started panicking thinking about all the stuff I didn't write.  And all the stuff I should write.  And all the stuff I have to write.  And then I heard a popping noise...  Kind of more like a pop/snap...  And I that's when I realized it was the sound of my sanity breaking. 

But we can't have that...  No...  For the good of humanity, we cannot.

So, I'm just going to put up some random pictures that I found on my phone.  This shall be known as the cliff notes of the past few months.  If it makes no sense, just know that I tried.


Mother Nature, much to my delight, proved that she was a total pervert.

I had to get rid of my old car, Bubbles.  Although she is very much missed, we are very excited to have our new car.  I decided she needed a name that was as ferocious as her...  But still showed that she liked some good ol' fashioned belly scratchins!  It is from this that the name of Fluffy was born.

I went to Radio City for the first time.  And it was as amazing as I knew it would be.

My best friend, Nicole, found the most amazing place to take me for my birthday...  A place that will never be matched by anyone.  Ever.  No matter how hard they try.
That's right!  She took me to a Doctor Who Burlesque Show.  Which we are convinced was put together by the Powers That Be specifically for my birthday.


I was able to enjoy a topless Fluffy for a hot second...  Before the Death Season came upon us.

Alyssa won't stop growing!!!! 

My awesome pal, Misty Laws, sent me some amazeball birthday swag!!

My brother convinced a cake writer to write "Happy Birthday You Cunt" on my cake...  Because I have the best family EVER!!!  Obviously!

On the grand finale of my birthday season, fireworks were displayed outside my kitchen window for my enjoyment.

I went to ComicCon with the boyfriend...
And we fucking crushed it.

We also went on vacation to Jamaica. 

And I proved to my brother that Corona Commercials are legit.

NOM NOM NOM!!  CAKE!!! 

There was an issue with spiders...  But I don't wanna talk about it.

I found the perfect pumpkin!!

And realized that traffic isn't always horrible...

But it does require shots and a big ol' Fuck You sometimes.

Halloween came!  And Jasmyn will also not stop growing...

There were way more clowns than I'm ok with out on the streets this year.  I blame American Horror Story for this.

I found a mug that was made just for me!

And I realized that there is an expiration date on how long you can leave a pumpkin out for...
Because they really can go from zero to total evil in a blink of an eye


My brother and I found an amazing and shady place to have a drink.

The girls and I slammed the competition in Fort Making.

I totally fell in love...  

Beer!!!

Jasmyn is still not taking shit from anyone.

I became an aunt again!!!!  Because I'm obviously the best at it!

I declared my dominance over this cat by Booping it.  It was not pleased.

We adopted baby dragons.

I saw a football game in a fancy suite box like a high rollin' motherfucker...

This is a peanut that you can drive.

My period did not destroy me.  So, that's good.

I realized what Carlos and I will be doing soon.

I am, in fact, not a high roller.  And should probably just slow my roll entirely.  But...  What fun is that??  BET IT ALL ON ODD!!!

SANTA!!!!  I KNOW HIM!!!!

So...  You are just about caught up.  I left some shit out for future posts.  But you'll thank me later.

Whew...  I feel a little less overwhelmed now.  I think I can totally get back into this.  :)