For those of you who don't know me personally, I'm sorry. You should probably come to NJ to visit. We could hang out on my couch and drink whilst watching movies. Because that's how I roll.
|Jesus and I love you!|
Also, I am an ordained minister. No, really. I am.
|Proof Motherfuckers!!! I keep this pretty baby in my car... Because I'm ALWAYS on official business.|
I bet you're thinking "What. The. Fuck. Why, man?!? HOW?!?" Two words: The Internet. Oh fuck yea!! I became an ordained minister a few years ago from the comfort of my toilet using my android phone. One click and PA-DOW! Just like that, I can not only marry people, make my own holy water, but also baptize people. Hell, even Eddie is an ordained minister. He didn't know about it at first, but I decided it was something we should be together. So, I enrolled him.
Conversation between me and Eddie:
Eddie (upon checking his email): Did... Did you just sign me as an ordained minister?!?
Me: *Giggling uncontrollably*
Eddie: Why would you do that?
Me: To guarantee you'll get into heaven too. Otherwise, who will I talk to?!? I bet the conversation up there is really boring. Mother Teresa will be all "And then I saved this person from leprosy." But you know what, Eddie?!? I like lepers!!! LEAVE THE LEPERS ALONE!!!!
Eddie: There is something really wrong with you.
Me: I just don't think I'll fit in.
I know!!! It's fucking awesome!! I mean... Just think about the power. I'm like a Jedi on the verge of becoming a Sith... Do I use this power responsibly? Only marrying people that are in love?
|Me performing probably one of the most epic wedding ceremonies known to man for my brother and his wife a couple of years after becoming a minister.|
Or do I marry people who don't even know it's really happening?
|Just think of how tight the diapers will be on their first child.|
|I don't think they even suspected it.|
Or... Do I just run around like a fucking psycho and marry inanimate objects?
|They will have the CUTEST PUPPIES EVER!!!|
|Empty coffee cup, do you take box of Trojans to be your husband? I think it's safe to say she does.|
|These guys were really in love. Paperclip Ninja was the best man.|
|Zero and Gypsy... FOREVER!|
|I am totally for gay, interracial marriage.|
|Doesn't the bride look beautiful?!?!|
|My toes sleep together every night... Might as well make it official.|
|Uhhhh.... No comment.|
|I totally tried to marry myself to Superman. But Eddie was all... Actually, I think he was fine with it. I mean... It's Superman.|
I think we all know what path I chose. In fact, you should all join me. Yes, yeessss.... JOIN ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough*.... Sigh.