For those of you who don't know me personally, I'm sorry. You should probably come to NJ to visit. We could hang out on my couch and drink whilst watching movies. Because that's how I roll.
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| Jesus and I love you! |
Also, I am an ordained minister. No, really. I am.
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| Proof Motherfuckers!!! I keep this pretty baby in my car... Because I'm ALWAYS on official business. |
I bet you're thinking "What. The. Fuck. Why, man?!? HOW?!?" Two words: The Internet. Oh fuck yea!! I became an ordained minister a few years ago from the comfort of my toilet using my android phone. One click and PA-DOW! Just like that, I can not only marry people, make my own holy water, but also baptize people. Hell, even Eddie is an ordained minister. He didn't know about it at first, but I decided it was something we should be together. So, I enrolled him.
Conversation between me and Eddie:
Eddie (upon checking his email): Did... Did you just sign me as an ordained minister?!?
Me: *Giggling uncontrollably*
Eddie: Why would you do that?
Me: To guarantee you'll get into heaven too. Otherwise, who will I talk to?!? I bet the conversation up there is really boring. Mother Teresa will be all "And then I saved this person from leprosy." But you know what, Eddie?!? I like lepers!!! LEAVE THE LEPERS ALONE!!!!
Eddie: There is something really wrong with you.
Me: I just don't think I'll fit in.
I know!!! It's fucking awesome!! I mean... Just think about the power. I'm like a Jedi on the verge of becoming a Sith... Do I use this power responsibly? Only marrying people that are in love?
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| Me performing probably one of the most epic wedding ceremonies known to man for my brother and his wife a couple of years after becoming a minister. |
Or do I marry people who don't even know it's really happening?
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| Just think of how tight the diapers will be on their first child. |
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| I don't think they even suspected it. |
Or... Do I just run around like a fucking psycho and marry inanimate objects?
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| They will have the CUTEST PUPPIES EVER!!! |
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| Empty coffee cup, do you take box of Trojans to be your husband? I think it's safe to say she does. |
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| These guys were really in love. Paperclip Ninja was the best man. |
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| Zero and Gypsy... FOREVER! |
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| I am totally for gay, interracial marriage. |
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| Doesn't the bride look beautiful?!?! |
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| My toes sleep together every night... Might as well make it official. |
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| Uhhhh.... No comment. |
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| I totally tried to marry myself to Superman. But Eddie was all... Actually, I think he was fine with it. I mean... It's Superman. |
I think we all know what path I chose. In fact, you should all join me. Yes, yeessss.... JOIN ME!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough*.... Sigh.
HAHAHHAAHA!!! If I had known this a year ago, I would have TOTALLY asked you to perform Mine & Jimmy's ceremony!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL
And I would have!! :o)
DeleteI wish this was valid in Australia, but unfortunately you've got to do some stupid course here that takes about a year. Damn, and I hear that you can charge like $400 for officiating at a wedding!
ReplyDeleteWhoa!!! What the fuck is that all about?!?! You have the right as a human being to join a cult... I mean.. have the power to marry people and inanimate objects if you want!!!
DeleteHoly Flying Monkey Butts On CRACK! Why have you not told me this sooner?!?! I think I've almost got my husband convinced to renew our vows in front of the T-Rex! When are you planning another trip to Hogwarts? We need to make this HAPPEN!
ReplyDeleteOH. MY. GOD. This would be the most awesome moment of our lives!!! I MUST RETURN TO HOGWARTS!!!!
Delete.... Oh... And marry you guys too... ;o)
Well hello fellow member of the cloth. Yes, I too am a ULC Minister. But while you may have married people, I used my power to clandestinely baptize my friend's baby. After they put their daughter to sleep for a nap, I pretended to go to the bathroom, blessed some water, and splashed the demons out of that baby. Needless to say, I'm not welcome at their house anymore. But that baby is safe from demon possession!
ReplyDeleteYES!!! I was just telling my friend today that I was gonna make my pool into a vat of holy water and baptize my kids and hers. Then we would all go vampire hunting and dunk those motherfuckers!!! HUZZA!!!
DeleteI'm pretty sure you and I were ripped apart at birth. Except that I'm an old hag at 38, and you're still young, and spry. (spry, lol) I was JUST saying the other day how much I want one of those certificates so I can marry everyone in sight. I would, too. I'm all for marrying everyone and everything. I would Love it even more if all of my weddings were theme weddings. I love that you signed him up without him even knowing.
ReplyDeleteAND!!! Since I Live in Va, a mere few hours away, we should go to Atlantic city, and play craps... just because saying that we played craps always strikes me as hilarious.
DeleteDon't you DARE call 38 old, damnit! I got 2 months of 37 left and I'm not trying to hear that shit!
DeleteLOL! 38 is NOT old!!! I'm... not.. too far off. FOREVER YOUNG MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Until we get, like, a spastic colons or some shit. Then, we're old.
DeleteVA is TOTALLY close!! And, I'm just saying... I've never played craps before. But I've always wanted to. :o)
You bitches better not meet in AC without me!! And I HAVE played craps, but it's been forever. I think it's time for a resurgence of my skills! And we can marry everyone in the joint. Well, you can I guess. I can be a bridesmaid!! I'm not getting my asshole bleached, though, hos!
DeleteOh, and I'm 37 and totally an old fogie. Sorry, Val.
LET'S ALL GO TO AC!!! BLOGGERS UNITE!!!!!
Delete37 is SO NOT OLD!!!
Fuck Ass Yes!! AC it is!! I'm not bleaching my asshole or anyone else's either Misty, I don't know why you though we would, but I ain't either!! We will just play craps (giggle..craps..ha!) And marry some bitches up!
DeleteDo you get to park in the parking spots reserved for clergy? You do, don't you. That's why you keep that thing in your car. Holy shit, going to court or the hospital must be AWESOME for you... except that, you know, you're at the court, or the hospital, both of which are pretty shitty.
ReplyDeleteI also keep it in there in the event I'm pulled over. Because it says "on official business"... So, I could be all "Officer, I was speeding because there was a minister emergency. Didn't you hear it on your radio?!? COME ON MAN!!! WE GOTTA GO!!"
DeleteJust when I thought you couldn’t be any cooler. I bet hanging out with you would be a riot.
ReplyDeleteNext, you should marry your Mannequin Arm to someone else’s Mannequin Arm. Or a Mannequin Shoulder.
So what are you doing in that last picture, checking to see if he really is the Man of Steel?
You read my mind!!! I'm TOTALLY marrying Mannequin Arm to the first Mannequin Leg I acquire!!!
DeleteMaybe... SPOILER ALERT!!! He was!! ;o)
Make no mistake - you are SOOOOOO performing my marriage. We just need one more puzzle piece - namely, a willing participant. In the absence of one, perhaps I can find some parkway debris to marry because screw happily ever after, it's all about a kick ass reception, right?? (PS - Do you DJ or cook because I would like to hire you for both of those jobs as well)
ReplyDeleteEXACTLY!!! You give people enough liquor, they'll forget who got married... Or that there was even a wedding.
DeleteI will totally DJ this thing up, no charge. I hope you like old school music and show tunes!!! :o)
You are TOTALLY marrying my ass when the hubs and I renew our vows. That is, if we don't kill each other before we want to marry each other again. Details.
ReplyDeleteAnd fuck yeah, we are doing AC!! We have to make that happen.
SO HAVE TO MAKE AC HAPPEN!!!!
DeleteYou and the Hubs can marry down there. If you can overlook the crackhoes & the smell of despair, it's pretty romantic. :0)
I'll get Megan all liquored up, and then you can sneak marry us!! Then we can call you the wedding ninja!
Delete