Besides the plethora of signatures on Mannequin Arm and my Tick action figure, I procured 2 additional items at the now legendary Horror Convention.
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| "Made with Unicorn Tears for extra healing power!" |
Yep, it's made with bits of real Unicorn, so you know it's good! Tested by my kids who agree that 60% of the time it works every time in making booboos heal faster than the leading brand of band-aids.
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| Plus... It came with a FREE GIFT!!! |
The last thing I got was a Sasquatch air freshener. Now, when you see this, what do you think it would smell like?
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| My guess would be pine needles. |
If you guessed "pine needles," you are FUCKING WRONG!!! No Final Jeopardy for you!! Now, go do a lap around the gymnasium!!!
If you guessed Sasquatch Ass, you deserve a prize... Because I did not see that coming. I know what you're thinking. "Valerie! Didn't you smell it before putting it in your car?!?" Well I fucking did! And I swear... Upon opening the thing, it smelled of piney goodness mixed with some unknown substance.
Later I realized that "unknown substance" was poo, guys... POO.
I realized this after coming back from a hard day of work to a car that smelled like a Sasquatch had broken in and took a dump on my dashboard. I had to roll all the god damn windows down to air my baby out.
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| Exactly like this... But inside. |
Now ask me if I removed the offender from my car... Go ahead. Ask.
That answer would be NO!!! And this is why:
- I spent, like, $3 on that thing. And I'll be damned if I'm not going to get my money's worth. Even if the fucking thing smells like Sasquatch diarrhea.
- I collect car air fresheners and this lil puppy, although stinky, is pretty friggin sweet looking.
- The day we start doing things because they smell like dead Yeti is the day the Sasquatch win.
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| Some of my sweet car air freshener collection |
So, you might be the temporary victor here, Sasquatch. But sooner or later, your stank will fade... Then who's the winner?
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Well... Probably still you... But... At least... At least I fought like a champion.
You keep that Sasquatch freshener in your car! Don't let societal norms dictate what your car should smell like. Just because some guy a bajillion and fifty years ago decided that pine trees equal nice smelling, doesn't mean you have to bow down to his antiquated whims. Stink on, you crazy diamond!
ReplyDeleteStink on you crazy Diamond!!! OMH!! too funny
DeleteFuckin' A, man... Fuckin' A.
DeleteSoooo, you're going to continue returning to your car each day and being enveloped by the smell of ass? Good for you. Fight the power!!
ReplyDeleteExactly!!! I'm practically a superhero!!
Delete"The day we start doing things because they smell like dead Yeti is the day the Sasquatch win." This is now my motto in life...and an excellent excuse not to shower. That is a damn fine air freshener. Of course it smells like a musky Italian after a few hours in the sauna! I'd be disappointed if it didn't.
ReplyDeleteWhere do you keep your collection? It has to be the weirdest cacophony of odors wherever you keep it, a Pandora's Box of stank.
I keep it in my car... Which may have helped the Quatch stink along, now that I think about it. Maybe my car was all "Enough is enough."
DeleteI bought Scott a bacon scented air freshener that surprisingly did not smell like bacon at all. It kind of had this formaldehyde-like morgue scent that made me feel rather noxious. Dead Yeti though sounds like it would smell far worse. At least in the long run.
ReplyDeleteMan... I would have been SO disappointed in a shitty bacon smelling one. At least with the Quatch it was mysterious. No one really knows what one smells like. But to fuck up bacon scent?! That shit is just wrong. I hope those motherfuckers burn in hell.
DeleteAm I the only one who felt like the ending of this blog had a complete cliffhanger? I'm of course referring to the unanswered question: What does a McLovin air freshener smell like?! Seriously! If sasquatch smells of pine needles and turds, does McLovin smell like a mixture of beer, Axe body spray, and desperate virginal hormones? I can only assume it does...
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!! Actually, McLovin was cherry scented... Like his virginity. :o)
Deleteyet more things for me to covet.. Unicorn bandaids!!! How awesome!!!
ReplyDeleteOh man!!! I just LOVE them!! My kids aren't the only ones who make up excuses to put them on. :o)
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