Monday, September 10, 2012

I might turn into a sparkly vampire... or die from a spider bite

Last night I had the weirdest dream that I got bit by a vampire.  And not a cool one either.  One of those sparkly assholes.  But just as he bit down, I woke up...  And I don't know if I was in a dreamy haze or this really happened, but I remember reaching over and grabbing at my neck and there being a spider there.  So I threw that fucker down on the ground.  In a panic, I ran to the bathroom mirror and low and behold there was a fucking red mark on my neck!!!!  

Proof that I'm not crazy.  Well, I'm crazy, but not a liar.


 Now, I don't know if it was really a vampire and he just got one fang in or if it was a spider who was trying to get into my ear to have babies and got hungry along the way, but I am horrified.  Especially if it was a spider.  You guys know how I feel about spiders in my ears.  What do I do now!?!? 

 I mean, is this how this new generation of pussy vampires roll?  Too scared to attack like a bad ass Lost Boy and can only get one fang in?  Am I going to look like a stripper in the sun now?  All covered in glitter?  I'll make a horrible vampire.  I'm not a night person.  Actually, I'm not a morning person either.  I'm best early afternoon, I think.  Also, I am definitely not financially stable enough to rock a vampire lifestyle.  They always seem to have millions saved up somewhere deep in their manor.  All I've got is a bunch of change in my car.  

I don't want to sparkle.  Not like this.


 AND WHAT IF IT WAS A SPIDER?!?!?  I read an article last week about a spider that crawled into a lady's ear in China.  There is a picture of it in there and everything.  Seriously...  Click here.  That could be in my ear right now!!!  Because I'm sure that bastard wouldn't have given up with just the neck bite.  He would have come back as soon as I fell asleep.  Spiders are assholes like that.  My.  Ear.  Is.  So.  Fucking.  Itchy.  

This is an actual fucking picture of the spider that was in that chick's ear.  He's just sitting there... PLOTTING!!!!


 What if it was some weird spider vampire hybrid that we don't even know about yet?!?  I could wake up tomorrow like that guy from the fly movie.  But worse!  I'll be some hideous creature that will have to eat hobos and salespeople to survive.  *breathes into paper bag* 

I won't go back to living like this...  Not ever.


 I know...  I'm ranting a bit.  But we don't know what I'm turning into yet.  Let's all pray that it's something cool, like Spiderman or Spiderbabe.
I'm so not this lucky.
Her power was shooting webs from her vagina.  I would be awesome at that!!!
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11 comments:

  1. With any luck it was radioactive. Do you feel more superhuman than normal? Perhaps an uncontrollable urge to swing from the top of city high rises?

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    1. Not yet... But... My ear is still itchy. Maybe I'm developing super hearing powers?!?

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  2. You could always go straight to a pharmacist and ask if they have anything for spider bites (my friend got bit by a brown recluse and bypassed the doctor straight for the medicine man and he lives). Or you could continue to attempt to fire spiderwebs out of your vagina. Or wait for the necrosis to set in. Your choice.

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    1. I took a benedryl. The bump is still there tho. I'm beginning to think that it may be Spider Scenario #2... You know, the one where eggs are lain under the skin instead of in the ear. I may have to cut this off.

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    2. Also, I'm still gonna keep trying to shoot webs out of my vagina. At the very least, I can stick a can of silly string up there...

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  3. But what if you turn into a kick ass Lost Boys vamp, no sparkles? If I ever turned into a vamp, that's the kind I'd want to be. All badass and leather and hanging from a dank cave during the day and terrorizing seaside tourists at night. I'd skip the spiking part, though. That doesn't seem as much fun.

    CRRRRRYYYYYY, LITTLE SISTER.

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    1. I LIKE THIS WAY BETTER!!! I even have a bad ass leather jacket and everything! And, now... I don't wanna toot my own horn or anything, but I am AWESOME at killing... uhhh.. terrorizing tourists...

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  4. Dude...now my ear is itchy. I'm freaking out now more than I was when I saw the spider that planted babies under a persons skin and then they all popped out at once. The internet is creeping me out.

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    1. This is Spider Scenario #2. And it is equally as horrifying to me.

      I don't even want to tell you about #3... But it involve eggs laid in the tongue. *shiver*

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  5. I had what I thought was a spider bite on my chest but it turned out to be ringworm from the Wormy Kitty. I don't know which is more disgusting to me.
    P.S. I'm sparkly enough to be a vampire but I just don't like biting people.

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    1. I had ringworm once. It was back in the day when I used to work at a pet store cleaning up dog poo. It was pretty gross!!!

      You raise a good point there. Now I'm thinking of biting sweaty people for some reason. Kinda takes the glamor out of the whole Vampire thing. Ewwww... Sweaty hairy people...

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