Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Things me and Abraham Lincoln have in common: 1. We are both master axe wielders and 2. We can both kill the fuck out of some vampires

Conversation between me and Eddie:

Eddie:  I really want to see that new Abraham Lincoln movie.  It's supposed to be really good.

Me:  Sure.  I like vampire history movies.

Eddie:  No.  It's the historical movie about Lincoln's life.

Me:  Yea.  I know.  He's a vampire hunter.  And also my favorite president.

Eddie:  Abraham Lincoln is not a vampire hunter.

Me:  Don't be silly.  That guy found his diary and wrote a book.  We both read it!

Eddie:  I'm not going to win this argument am I?

Me:  Who's arguing?  We can go see the new fictional movie on Lincoln if you want.  I can pick out which of the cast members are probably vamps.  I'm awesome at that.

Eddie:  Sigh....



And just to prove that I am probably related to Abraham Lincoln and his long lineage of vampire hunting family...



This was my first time wielding an axe at my glorious friend Nicole's house.  She lives in the wilderness.

 
Under the close watch of Richard Gere, I became a champion.  He was the Mickey to my Rocky Balboa. 



Fuck YEA!  I made wood my bitch (in a total non-pornographic way).



Then we burned the wood.  And sang songs about chopping wood.  And drank a plethora of beer to the memory of the wood.  There was pizza too.  And beer...  Did I mention beer?



I'm also pretty fucking handy with a chainsaw.  In case you were wondering.


Thanks to all my wonderful friends who trusted me enough to put an axe, a chainsaw and beer in my hands, all in the same day.  You don't find many people in life that trust you on that level.  Well, me...  Anyway.  Because apparently I'm the person at the top of the office pool who will be the first to snap and go shit crazy one day.  So, when you find people who will love you and give you weapons (and beer) without much fear in their eyes...  Well, people.. You...  You hold the fuck on to those motherfuckers and you Never. Let. Go. 

Unless they get bit by a zombie, that is.  Then you blow their fucking heads off.


34 comments:

  1. Somebody gave you....YOU....sharp weaponry? And NOT during a zombie apacolypse? Wow, that IS a true friend. Or someone whot does not value the longevity of life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! They like... TRUST me and shit.

      SUCKERS!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  2. Okay, I'm down with the Lincoln killing the vampires exclusively, and I'm fine with the potentially homicidal you being equipped with multiple sharp objects along with social lubricant. But seriously, what the hell does Richard Gere have to do with anything outside of gerbil exorcism ceremonies?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One would never expect Richard Gere to be good at axery. And that is exactly why he's the best. Those gerbils help with his down swing!

      Hugs!!

      Valerie

      Delete
  3. Chainsaws, axes, open flames, beer- sounds like fun! I need to get out of this "civilized" town I live in more often. I'm surrounded by hippy yuppies who'd rather sip organic wine over a plate of local cheese

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. EW! What kind of people SIP wine!? Wine is made for gulping! ;o)

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  4. Chainsaws are much easier to use than the hatchet. Nice upgrade!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I loved that thing... I'm trying to convince Eddie to buy me one for Christmas!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  5. Ah, the sign of true friendship ... being willing to blow someone's head off when they're zombified.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are so very lucky. My husband won't let me buy a chainsaw. Or a machete. And when I snuck the axe into the garage he yelled at me for buying a potentially deadly object and I was in no way allowed to bring it inside the house. For some strange reason he does not want a weapon in the bedroom. I don't understand at all. It's like he wants us to be the first victims of the zombie apocalypse.

    Also, you look bad-ass wielding that axe.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH MAN! You tell him that if Zombies come, you will just have to use his arm as a weapon. Attached or not!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  7. I'd totally let you wield a chainsaw... so long as you take care of that damn palm tree in my back yard. Mind the scorpions... they fucking LOVE palm trees.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Consider it DONE! Although, I would need a hazmat suit. I don't like scorpions!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  8. As a wood splitter from way back, you can't underestimate how satisfying it is to deliver that perfect chop, where you hit square in the center and both sides fall away, leaving the ax buried in the chopping block.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was one of the best feelings ever!!!!!!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  9. AWESOME!!! Make that wood your bitch! I know why Richard Gere was there, because you were turning that whore (the wood) into a pretty woman!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And then I totally burned it!! Just like a hooker!!! :o)

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
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