Monday, April 30, 2012

You have not been abandoned.

Dear Mitch,

If you're holding this letter you already know. The house has been boarded up. The doors... The windows... Everything... We're at the Comfort Inn. Room 112.

I love you.

Frank

P.S.  I caught a raging case of PMS and wanted to punch random people in the face.  As such, I have retired to my prayer closet, which is filled with soothing images (i.e. Keanu Reeves saying "whoa", kittens playing with puppies and midgets dressed as sunflowers).  I promise to post something tomorrow.  <3 Valerie

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Fuck YOU Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs... I didn't mean it baby. You know I love you.

OMG... Just look at how beautiful it is!!!!


I have a real fucking problem with Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs.  You can read more about my sad addiction and fat ass here.

You may be saying to yourself "Calm the fuck down, Val!  Easter is over!!"  And to that I ask you:  Do you know what happens after Easter??  REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS GO ON SALE!!!!!  And, they taste so much better when they're on sale.

WHY DO YOU HATE ME, GROCERY STORE?!?!

Last week, I spent the entire week dieting.  The family and I are headed on an epic pilgrimage down to Harry Potter Land in less than 3 weeks.  And I would like to shrink my ass a little beforehand.  I juice dieted like a motherfucking champ!!  Then, on Thursday the Eggs began to call to me.


This would have been me too...

So I ate one.

They still called.

So.. I ate one more.  Since I was TOTALLY gonna exercise and work it off ANYWAY!!! 

You know those assholes still called to me?!?  Still called to my soul, my very essence...  Peanut butter chocolatey goodness is a jerk like that.

GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

This is the point I should have left the house.  Went for a walk to cool off, giving Eddie time to hide those god damn things.  I wish I could give you the happy ending that you are obviously begging me for.  But I can't...


Conversation between me and Eddie:

Me (shakily walking towards him with the 3 remaining eggs):  Look Eddie... there are only 3 left.  And if I just eat them, this will all be over.  It will be at an end.

Eddie:  Don't do it.

Me:  THIS MADNESS HAS TO END!!!!


Then I took all 3 eggs and shoved them into my mouth.  Sure, I felt sick, but the game was over and I LOST.  But it's ok.  I refused to play anymore. 

Somebody. Please. Help. ME.


And that's when it happened.

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW BOUGHT ME ANOTHER FUCKING BAG!!!!  IT'S LIKE SHE WANTS ME TO BE FAT!!!  She said the whole bag was on sale for a dollar.  So, I have locked myself in my room, refusing to even acknowledge their existence. 

Sigh... Who am I kidding.  If this were prison, I'd totally be their bitch.

I'll be your bitch any day, PB Eggs.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Let me tell you a story about a little girl...

My husband, Eddie, granted me permission to share one of his stories with you.  

If you look closely, you will understand Eddie's dismay.
 
And now, for your reading enjoyment, I present to you Emily's Sonata...
      
 Emily rocked back and forth on the dirty cot with her knees drawn up to her chest and her hands pressed tightly over her ears. From within her cupped palms she heard the piano of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture; the sweet strings of Brahms’s Violin Concerto; the complex ensemble of Mozart’s 41st Symphony. She heard Pamina’s Lament in every child’s plea for help. And their abductor, whose footfalls fell like brass cymbals as it checked the locks on their doors, was the Queen of Night.
     But where was her Tamino? Why hadn’t he come to rescue her? Would he ever find her in time?
     Dust and dirt clouded the air like a London fog. Emily slid off the cot and onto the dirt-packed ground where it felt easier to breath. She sat there staring for several long moments as something magnificent slowly began to take shape. With her finger she traced this piece of brilliance, capturing the minutest detail. It had a full row of 88 keys: 52 whites, 36 flats. It was the most perfect piano Emily had ever seen. She touched the Middle C and heard the throaty resonance of its voice. Then she hit an A… an E… a D. Before long she was playing chopsticks and laughing out loud as the music seemed to resonate off the walls and illuminate the cramped dusty cell. It was all there in her head, in the tiny closet of her memory. To Emily, everything was music.
     Tears opened deep fault lines in the dirt on her unwashed cheeks. She thought of her parents and of her baby sister, Rose. Only 18 months old. Would she remember Emily? Would Rose’s eyes become heavy with déjà vu when she heard a song that Emily had loved to play? Would she hear Emily’s ghost whisper don’t be afraid when she was scared or lonely? Who would be there to protect her when—
     No! Emily forced these thoughts down into the basement because thinking this way felt a lot like giving up. You’re still alive, kiddo; still breathing.
Her father often said that hope was always just around the corner. As long as she had her life and her music, she’d continue to believe.
     Emily cracked her knuckles to loosen the stiffness in the joints. She did her exercises, closing and stretching her fingers until she felt warm blood flowing through them.
     Her fingers hovered over the keyboard. Magic was seldom more than a fleeting wisp of air. Like a thought written in water, it was there one moment and gone the next. And if there ever was a place where magic went to die, Emily was definitely sitting smack in the middle of it. Could she endure the screams or would her pleas be nothing more than noise lost in a chorus? How long would it take for the silence to chip away at her mind? Would she be able to hold out long enough to look her abductor in its awful eyes and dare it to do its worse? Emily saw a brief glimpse of herself, curled on the cot, ticking off the moments of her life, praying for it to be over and hoping it was quick. She forced the image out of her mind and into the basement.
     Emily’s favorite song was Dance of the Sugar Plumb Fairies. Not because it was a particularly complex piece (it wasn’t), but because the title had always delighted her. It made her think of winters at home and of the holidays with her family. In the close confines of her cell, she could almost detect the faint aromas of Christmas ham and gingerbread cookies. Good times; good magic.
     Emily closed her eyes and saw the Metropolitan Opera House. She was on the stage floating in a vast sea of eager spectators. She was shocked to see that the audience did not consist of the types of sophisticated socialites who frequented successful opera houses. There were no black ties, no white gloves, no glittering evening gowns. Instead she saw the terrified children who were occupying the other cells in this labyrinth. They were bruised and battered, half covered in rags that served as clothing. There was row upon row of saucer eyes staring raptly at the young girl sitting center stage with her dirt piano. Only, it was no longer a dirt piano. It was a Bechstein.
     The melodies rang out like angel song. The notes so tangible Emily could practically grab one and put it in her pocket. She played the next note, then the next. Music poured from her fingers. The Plumb Fairies marched once again.
 On and on she played. Sweat collected in her tiny furrowed brow and spilled down her nose. She wiped it away with the grimy sleeve of her shirt and kept playing, never missing a note.
     When she finally stopped, she was out of breath and drenched. She could have been anywhere at that moment, at a recital in her school’s auditorium or soothing her baby sister to sleep with a gentle lullaby. Music had power. It could lift you up and transform you; heal you; take you to times and places where life was just simpler.
     And then the cymbals started again, jarring Emily back to the place where danger lurked in every shadow and evil held sway over them all. She went to the door hoping to get a glimpse of the Queen through one of the chinks in the wood. She heard the other children shuffling. First they were mewling, then sobbing, finally their voices rose to screams of terror as whatever lurked in the halls was once again jiggling their locks. Teasing them like a cat swatting a cornered mouse.
     Closer and closer the footsteps came. To Emily they seemed to boom in the halls like a rising cadenza. Each step ticked off another second of her life.
     The world was a slaughterhouse as screams turned to pig-like squeals of psychotic terror. She was acutely aware of the musky ambience. Her senses were assaulted by the thick stew of sweat and urine and blood and shit. Unanswered pleas for mothers and fathers rose like shouted prayer.
     “Keep playing,” a boy yelled.
     “Please don’t stop,” yelled another.
Soon everyone was yelling for her to play. Their frantic, wailing voices drowned out the squeals that Emily had come to associate with imminent suffering and death.
     “I can’t,” she yelled back. “It’s not real! None of this is!”
     Was that true? They had heard the music after all. One girl shouted out Plumb Fairies as if to prove the point. But how? The piano was just a desperate fantasy drawn by a young, terrified girl. There were no real keys, no strings, no pedals.
     But you heard it, her father’s voice said to her.
Yes, in my mind.
A place that is just as real as the Met. Remember, hope is always just around the corner.
Were they somehow linked like so many computers? Connected master to slave through shared suffering? Stolen from their families and hidden away like dirty orphans. Emily imagined a network of astral strands as delicate as spider silk connecting them all together.
“Please play,” a girl shouted. “Mommy!! Please play the pretty music. I’m so scared, mommy…everything smells so awful.”
Emily had envisioned their abductor as Mozart’s Queen of Night. But that wasn’t right. The impression was slowly changing into something much worse. This thing wasn’t a queen at all but an inhuman beast. A heaving, drooling, raging, primitive animal with no remorse to speak of and an insatiable hunger for suffering. It probably had red eyes and long dragon teeth which it used to tear the flesh from its victim’s bones. And it was coming, dragging its claws along the wooden cells, leaving behind deep uneven grooves. It took great delight in the screams of its children.
Emily knew that it was coming for her, hungry, dying to sink its teeth into her. It had heard her music too, and like a crucifix or sunlight her melodies had inflicted grievous wounds upon it. She could feel its anger boiling, creating an almost palpable atmosphere.
She was in severe trouble. This realization snapped Emily out of her mental doglock. She had to play. It was the only chance left for any of them. The music was going to save them all!
She hunched over her little dirt piano and bore down on the keys sending a barrage of whole, half and quarter notes at the beast. They fell like arrows, piercing its pale flesh and spilling its blood. Music exploded in its black heart, filling the blackness with brilliant bursts of light. The beast roared as Emily imagined her sonata forcing back a heavy curtain, exposing the monster to the vast horizon of sun and burnt sienna skies. We can do this, she thought! We can stop it!
Emily played furiously. Every note an angry statement against her oppressor. Her parents and teachers smiled in the audience. The children were on their feet as she rolled through a medley consisting of Für Elise, Symphony No. 25, A Study in C Minor, and several small pieces from her own compositions. The notes rang out, filling the cell, the hall, everything. She heard the children humming the songs as she played. The more familiar melodies were hummed the loudest.
Her fingers left splotches of blood in the dirt as she slammed them onto the keys, not feeling the pain at all. A couple of her fingernails snapped off at the root. The middle joint of her left ring finger dislocated. But still, Emily played. She soared to the music, throwing sweat from her hair and blood from her hands.
Emily fell back exhausted, but content. The beast was slayed. They were safe. She smiled as the hall erupted into applause and whistles. They were on their feet and chanting her name, chanting for an encore.
Emily heard the rattling lock on her cell door. It was Tamino. He had survived his trials and had come for her at last. She was serene, just wanted to go home. She had played the concert of her life and was spent.
The door swung open. The beast was before her, a hulking dark mass standing in shadow. She could see two tiny red eyes pulsating in the impossible blackness of its face. Two burnt embers scanning the room for its next feast. Fee Fi Fo Fum. It stepped forward into the light of the naked bulb hanging from the ceiling.
He wasn’t a beast at all. He was just a man. In another life he could have been one of her piano teachers. Emily might have even developed a crush. His face was so gentle. He wore a pair of thin spectacles over eyes a color Emily always thought of as lover’s blue. Dimples and brown hair. Married too if that was indeed a wedding band on his left ring finger. He smiled and tilted his head at her lovingly. This was how he stole trust, she thought. He used that smile. Like vampire glamor magic. This was his mask. The beast lurked somewhere beneath the surface, waiting to feed.
“You played beautifully,” he said in a silky baritone voice.
 He had heard the music too. Maybe he was there to save her. Perhaps she had gotten it wrong and the beast was truly dead.
Then she saw the long instrument he held in his right hand. The blade was as black and as sharp as a dragon’s claw. It had come to do its work after all.
“Together, Tamino, we walked the burning fire,” she whispered. “Take me home now.”
Emily put her hands over her ears for the last time and smiled. She could hear Moonlight Sonata’s first movement playing softly in her palms. The notes swirled and danced around her. Perhaps she would just reach out and grab one.

THE END

Sunday, April 22, 2012

It's called the Fry Toll, Motherfucker


Conversation between me and Eddie:


Eddie (upon taking his half empty fry container out of the fast food bag): What the fuck?!?

Me:  I KNOW RIGHT!!  Those cheap bastards don't even fill up the box anymore.

Eddie:  I know you ate my fries.

Me:  Don't be a baby. There are some loosies at the bottom of the bag.

Eddie:  What.. Like 2?!

Me:  Listen..  I charged my Fry Toll.  If I have to go pick up the food, a certain percentage of said food is lawfully mine.  You can look it up.  Its totally fair and in the law books.  Section 82.457 Subsection b12.  Or something like that...

Eddie:  You just made that up.  That's not a real thing.


It's like they're ASKING for it!!!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Travels in Kenny's Shorts

Back in 2010, a pair of shorts were stolen.  Not just any shorts... Kenny's shorts. 

This is poor, poor Kenny.
 
I have since had many-a travels with said shorts and photographed them to mock Kenny.  Here are some of my travels throughout the years.  There shall be plenty more to come.  

Nice cold brewskie at the beach  
Exploring uncharted territory
Margaritas & Puppies
Manis & Pedis!!!
Brushing up on my Ninja Skills
Clearing out the shit
 
Because, sometimes, Shorts are too good to sit in a drawer.. Sometimes Shorts need to live..

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

If My Dog Were Human, I Would Get a Restraining Order

I have 3 dogs.  Two akitas (Zero & Gypsy) and a miniature pinscher (Punky Brewster).  I love my dogs like they were my own children.  

Akita/Min Pin Oreo

However, Punky Brewster is a fucking pervert.  She steals my dirty panties.  No, really... She will find them, no matter what.  Even if I wrap them in a wet towel and put them at the bottom of the hamper.  

BAD DOG!!!
 
If she were a drug sniffing dog, the criminals of the world would never stand a chance. But, alas, Punky Brewster has decided to use her powers for evil.  

I hear they also have cookies over there...

And, the really fucked up part is that she doesn't just find them... She flaunts them!!  Like a god damn Heisman trophy.


Conversation between me and Eddie this morning:

Eddie  (with his arms full of breakfast goodness):  Reach into my pocket.

Me:  I like where this is going.

Eddie:  No, really... Your dirty undies were in the kitchen.

Me:  What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. That. Dog.


Once she left a pair on my Mother-In-Law's bed... Like some kind of fucked up version of the Godfather.  

Too cute to survive prison
 
Oh... And she humps the cat nonstop. Sigh... I'm gonna go google "therapy for dogs".

Get a room, Punky... You adorably sick bastard.



Monday, April 16, 2012

Somebody hold my jacket... I don't know how big this is gonna get.

Ahhh.. The first post.  It's always kind of awkward isn't it?  Well, let's rip this shit off like a band-aid and hope to the Gods that the wound doesn't smell like almonds......

My name is Valerie Nunez.  I like to think of myself as an adventurer of life.  I really think that people need to experience it more rather than muddling through waiting for something good to happen.  To say 'fuck it' and try everything they can possibly think of at least once.  I don't want to look back when I'm 80 and wish I had done more... I want to be able to look back and think 'Yup! I've done all I could possibly do here. I'm fucking outtie!" It's a celebration, Bitches! Make it grand!

Oh dear Platypus! How I love you!

That last paragraph would make you think that I am an infamous traveler with lots of money.  Well, I'm not.. In fact, I work at an insurance agency.  Yea, it IS as boring as you think it would be... Times a million... In a cubicle... With no view of the sun... And smells oddly of despair mixed with a dash of urine...

I am married to a pretty awesome guy named Eddie.  Don't tell him I said that though.  It'll go straight to his head.  I have 2 fantastic girls who make me laugh (and yell) on a daily basis. 

Our family Christmas card

I love hanging out with friends and family because they are all fucked in the head, like me!  You'll hear about all of those amazing people soon enough.  In fact, I have another blog called N.V. that my best friend, Nicole, and I write.  We will be starting a new business venture soon.  The blog has to do with things of that nature and other cool stuff. Check it out!!!
 
Things you should know about me before we get "involved":
  •  I love the mighty platypus. 
  •  I curse... A LOT
  •  I love anything unusual and fun. 
  •  I love midgets (yea, I said it). 
  •  If you are insulted easily, you should probably not read this blog.
  •  I am terrified of clowns.
  •  I love to laugh. 
  •  I love bullet lists (I think it just makes life easier).
  •  I am constantly preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse... Are you? 
  •  I love to have new experiences (Which I try to drag my friends and family  to whenever possible. Sometimes kicking and screaming.  But they always thank me in the end... Even if it's just in my head.)
Polar Bear Plunge. It was fucking freezing!!!
Hang Gliding as a Caterpillar
Ghost Hunting with the Family
Cage diving with great white sharks 
(Didn't see that one coming?! Did you?!)

Things I don't love?  Trying new foods.  Assholes.  And a bunch of other things.  But let's keep this shit positive, shall we?