Thursday, May 31, 2012

Are you prepared to accept the Zombie Apocalypse as your Lord and Savior?

If you guys have been following the news in search of clues to when the Zombie Apocalypse will be starting, you're probably just as excited as I am.  Shit got real with the breaking news of a Miami man eating the face off of a homeless person.  Upon further reading, we come to find out that the he didn't stop until being shot like 6 times.  Reports are kinda vague, but I would bet my sweet ass that the shot that brought him down was in his fucking head... BECAUSE HE WAS A MOTHERFUCKING ZOMBIE!!!!

Totally fucking was.

Next up?  A man whom had barricaded himself in his house decides it would be a great idea to cut himself open and throw his intestines at cops.  His. Fucking. Intestines.  Where did this happen?  New.  Fucking.  Jersey.

Zombies in my backyard? Bring it!!

And today reports of a man in Maryland eating a someone's heart and brain.  I mean... Just.. WOW!  Can you smell that?!?  I do believe it's the smell of the Zombie Apocalypse.  Or... Bad shellfish.  Either way.  It's fucked up.

Are YOU prepared??!?!


I know what you're thinking...  "Valerie.  What the fuck is up with you and the Zombie Apocalypse?"  To this I reply...  Into every generation a Slayer is born. One girl in all the world, a Chosen One. One born with the strength and skill to fight the Zombies, to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their numbers.

Ok...  That MAY be the beginning of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer show.  But it still holds true.  I am here to defend you.  To keep the human race protected from the Real threat of zombies.

Zombies or vamps... I'm prepared. Just NOT clowns.

In fact, not only have I been taking archery (because guns are too loud and will attract what We in the Industry call a "Herd"), but for Mother's Day/Zombie Awareness Month, my WONDERFUL husband, sister-in-law and brother put their funds together to get me a weekend away for ZOMBIE DEFENSE TRAINING!!!!  Why, yes! It IS a real thing!!  

I'll be further honing in on my shooting skills, first aid, melee combat and LEARNING HOW TO HOTWIRE A FUCKING CAR!!!  It's all set up for July!  I can't wait to tell you all about it!

In the immortal words of Spongebob:  I'M READY!!!

So prepare yourself, my friends.  For it is upon us.  In fact, we should all come up with a meeting area.  This way we can all head there and team up for some real ass-kickery!!!  All suggestions welcome!

Because no one wants to become one of these...  EVER!

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Because when you deserve a fucking party, you throw yourself a fucking party

When I was a girl of about 7, my parents threw me a birthday party.  I think only a few people showed up.  Then I remember my dad, after having indulged in too much Spirits, yelling at all the kids.  Everyone went home after that... It was an epic birthday party fail.

Ahhh... A kindred spirit.



Needless to say, I have since developed a fear that no one would show up should I throw one.  Silly?  Perhaps.  But there is nothing sadder than a grown woman in a pointy hat crying whilst eating 10 lbs of cake.

There are some people in the world that look stunning when they cry. I am not one of those people.

When I turned 30, I desperately wanted a party.  But, I wanted it to be a surprise.  So, when Eddie asked if I wanted him to throw me one I said, "No.  It's ok.  I really don't need one."  When I should have said, "Fuck YEA throw me a party!!!!"  Because Eddie is a guy.  And guys will never EVER understand the whole girl thing.  You know... When we say not to throw us a party because we don't want to have to tell you to throw us a party because we think that you should know that we really REALLY want a party and we want it to be a surprise!!!!!!!

Anyway, another partyless year went by and it was my own damn fault.

Get. In. My. Belly. Cake.

Conversation between me and Eddie earlier this year:

Me:  You should throw me a birthday party this year.

Eddie:  You're gonna be 34 this year.  No one has a 34th birthday party.  It's ridiculous.  I'll throw you one next year.

Me:  No, I think you should throw me one this year.  Because NO ONE will expect it! It'll be a surprise for EVERYONE!  And then you could be all "You're welcome, motherfuckers."

Eddie:  No, I don't think I'm gonna do that...


And That's when I birthed my most awesome idea yet...  I am going to throw myself a surprise party!!!!

I'm thinking of having a post-zombie-apocalyptic theme.  Come dressed as a zombie or survivor!  Just don't tell me about the party...  Because it's a surprise, guys!!!!

Natural Zombie Killer


Yea, I know... It's a TOTALLY great idea!  And if no one shows, I can blame Eddie for it.  Because people would have come if he had thrown it.  ;o)

We're coming for you, Eddie...


Saturday, May 26, 2012

This is the post where you lose respect for me (assuming, of course, that you had any to begin with)

I have been very vocal in the recent years of the demise of Man.  Specifically, the perfectly quaffed cocksuckers that take longer to get ready than most women I know and are most likely wearing motherfucking mascara.


I'm looking at you, Efron!


He would make a beautiful lesbian.


I have never really liked the Boy Band.  Not even in high school.  When everyone else was all "New Kids on the Block", I was all "Star Trek the Next Generation" and "Quantum Leap".  Because I keeps it real... and didn't really listen to music too much to be bothered. 

Don't tell anyone... But I used to have a HUGE crush on Dean Stockwell from Quantum Leap.

And Wil Wheaton...
I know right?? Me, Geeky?! In High School?? Go figure!

And then something horrible happened recently...  I got a song stuck in my head.  And not just any song... A BOY BAND SONG!!!

I mean...One second I'm banging my head in the car to "Enter Sandman" by Metallica, the next I'm gleefully singing along to "What Makes you Beautiful" by One Direction...

Where did I go wrong in life?

If you no longer want to read, I will understand... I am so sorry.  To you, the reader... To my mom... To my children... But mostly, to teenage me.  

You deserve better, Past Valerie... You. Deserve. Better.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

God DAMN you Diablo 3

So... I was gonna post tonight.  Then I got distracted in the fiery pits of hell playing the awesomeness that is Diablo 3. I just realized it's 11pm and I still need to shower AND shave my fucking legs for a pedi tomorrow.  Otherwise, bitch will get cut on them.  Seriously, it's becoming bear-like down there.

I know... Lame excuse.

But, just so you know, I'm saving the fucking world over here!!!!  You're welcome!

 New post coming soon.  I promise!

Hugs!!

Valerie

Monday, May 21, 2012

Harry Potter Land is my Jerusalem



Well...

It was EVERYTHING I dreamed it would be... And so much more.
I know. This is a bad picture. But Eddie is apparently the kind of person who won't say "This is a shitty picture and you look like a cow. Let's retake it."  He's the kind of person that says "Looks good. Let's go already." Jerk.
Kenny's shorts & I caught the golden snitch... It shall be placed lovingly upon my desk.

Let me start at the beginning...

I had read various reports about the horrors that Harry Potter Land can bring.  Mostly, that it gets super crowded and they stop letting people in.  So, I woke everyone up at the butt crack of dawn so we would be the first ones there.

First ones to Wally World!!!!

For those of you that have yet to make this journey, Harry Potter Land is located allllllllll the way in the back of Universal Studios Adventure Island.  Which means we had quite the journey ahead of us.  Basically, I ran dragging the kids through the empty park whilst yelling bloody murder at Eddie to "Keep the fuck up!!!"  

Just so you know...  Yelling profanities is frowned upon at Universal Studios.

And then it happened...

My first glimpse of It.  I'm not gonna say I cried... But I cried.

The FIRST thing I had to do was get a wand.  So we waited on line to Ollivander's Wand Shop.  Upon entering, Ollivander himself chooses 2 people to have wands choose them.  Just so you know, they seem to favor children for this.  And even though I tried pimping my kids out, it did not go as planned. 

WHY DO YOU HATE ME, OLLIVANDER?!?

But it's ok, guys...  I totally found a wand shop employee to help me.


Me:  Excuse me sir.  Would you be able to help me?

Wand Guy:  Sure.  What can I do for you?

Me:  I would like my wand to choose me.

Wand Guy: ....

Me:  Shall we start over here? (Points to stack of boxes.  Eddie buries head in hands.)


The guy was totally friendly and siked to help me.  Despite what Eddie says, I did NOT scare him and/or make him ask to be transferred to another store.  Eddie took the horrible picture you saw up top.  He didn't bother telling me that it is the worst picture of me taken.  EVER.  So, as punishment, he will have to take me back to have the whole thing redone.  It's only fair.  Hopefully, he will learn a valuable lesson on good picture taking.  Like the one I took of him.

This is how you take a picture, EDDIE!!!!

And then we went on THE HARRY POTTER RIDE!!!!  As you may have already guessed... I may or may not have freaked out on line a bit.  Luckily, my kids were patient and understanding.

"OH MOMMY!!!  You're embarrassing me!!"
"Mommy?  Please calm down."
 
Ok.  I MAYBE screamed with glee the WHOLE ride...  And MAYBE I yelled out lines from the movies appropriate to the parts of the ride.  And MAYBE yelled out appropriate spells to deal with appropriate monsters.

My patronus is a platypus by the way.

Terrifying dementors is what he does best. Besides being adorable!

Then we went shopping!!  I rode a broomstick around the store and caught a snitch.  I spent $50 on candy.  I sent postcards with a fucking Hogwarts stamp on it!!!  It was AWESOME!!!  And I may have gotten a little out of control.  But Eddie let it happen.  BECAUSE HE HAD TO MAKE UP FOR THAT HORRIBLE PICTURE!!!

"Mommy! HIS HAIR IS LICORICE!!!"
 
Jazzy, her wand, and her lollypop.  I think that should be a song.


Also, I must point out that Kenny's shorts were quite happy in HPL.  You could almost see them glowing.  They also have the perfect long pockets for wand holding!!!

Wand + Kenny's Shorts = WATCH OUT VOLDEMORT!!
Me and Kenny's shorts enjoying a nice cold beer at the 3 broomsticks!

I don't know how it happened exactly.  But, before I realized it, the day was over!!!  BTW, can someone please explain to me how this day was over in a blink of an eye, and 1 work day is equivalent to 26 years in hell?!?!  ANYBODY?!?

So, with a tear rolling down my cheek, we said adu to the epicness that is Harry Fucking Potter Land.  Thank you for an amazing time.  As you view the rest of these pictures, please gently hum Time of my Life to yourself.  I have attached a link with the song and lyrics for your convenience here.

I had the time of my life.

No I never felt like this before.


Yes I swear.

It's so true.
And I owe it all to you.


Friday, May 18, 2012

UPDATED: And then Eddie said "Drink all the wine"!

So... I was gonna post an epic blog about my AMAZING trip to Harry Fucking Potter Land.  And then Eddie said "You should drink the rest of the wine in the fridge.  Otherwise it'll go bad."  Almost 2 bottles later I have completed this heinous chore.  

My kids mock me.

You can all blame Eddie for no blog post today.  He says I should "sober up for dinner"... or whatever that means.  I think he should drive.

New post tomorrow...  For Reals!!!

UPDATE:

Apparently, when Eddie says "Drink all the wine", he DOES NOT mean "Then go out to dinner and drink 3 special teas and use your crab bib as a cape in the parking lot."

I guess someone needs to be a bit more specific in the future.

Rookie Mistake, Eddie!!!

Monday, May 14, 2012

Tales from The Road (with a badass battle axe in the trunk)

Taking a road trip with 2 children is always a scary thing.  But, with the lovely invention of portable DVD players, I am pleased to report that we all lived!  And not 1 child was left on the side of the road to fend for them self.  And I did not once say "If you 2 don't cut it out, I will turn this car around and take us home!!!!"  Mostly because they knew that was a lie.  They aren't stupid.  I WILL SEE POTTER LAND!!!

The first day of the trip was pretty good.  I made Eddie stop at the very first Waffle House available so I could get my hands on some yummy southern grits!!!  Because getting that stuff in NJ is harder than getting an 8-ball and hooker.  

It was delicious by the way.  

Then on the way back on route, something glorious happened...


Me:  EDDIE PULL OVER!!!

Eddie:  What the fuck man!!  Why?!?!

Me:  That antique store had a fucking treasure chest!!!!!  

Eddie:  Sigh... (Parks car)


The treasure chest was like $200, which Eddie forbade me to spend on such tomfoolery.  But, at that very moment, I saw something even BETTER!!!! 

I will tear the fucking head off of a zombie with this bad boy!!!

Don't feel bad for Eddie.  He got something too.

See?!?

I told Eddie that this is exactly why we are perfect for each other.  He doesn't try to play with my fucking toys. (Mostly because I'm pretty sure that he's scared of me.)

So... Now I am the owner of a badass battle axe with a fucking skull on it!!!!  The zombie apocalypse can't come fast enough.

I have lots more fun stories that I will post at a later time.  But, tomorrow I finally go to Harry Potter Land.  I told Eddie we need to Wally World that shit and be the first ones there.  So, I've got to get some sleep!!! 

Wish me luck!!!!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I plan road trips like I'm hunting a serial killer

This is what Eddie walked into today...

I got this shit.

Eddie:  What are you doing with a map?

Me:  I'm planning our road trip.

Eddie: We have a gps.

Me:  That's not how our forefathers did it.  

Eddie:  Why are you wearing a lab coat?!?

Me:  I do my best thinking in a lab coat!!!  You combine this with my glasses and I'm a motherfucking genius.

Eddie:  You're scaring me... And not in that "Oh! She's quirky and I don't know what to do" way.  More like "We are NEVER going to get to Florida" way.

Me:  Have more faith in our founding fathers, Eddie.  Any my lab coat.  Not to mention I'm wearing glasses.  I'm like... reverse Superman right now.  All my superpowers emerge when I put my glasses ON!


So, after much huffing and puffing from Eddie, me and the girls took our serial killer hunting/road trip planning to the basement.  

Here's how shit went down...

Alyssa contemplating our next move
NO PAPARAZZI!!!
To catch a serial killer, one must think like a serial killer.

We are NEVER going to catch this fucker!!!

Almost done!!!!
Yes, I am stopping at the VERY first Waffle House.  Exit 109 Motherfuckers.

Why yes... I did use Gryffindor colors for the map. Thank you for noticing!
Trip Planned AND serial killer caught! All in one night at the Nunez household.

This is it, guys!  One more day!!  I'll be sure to check in with some awesomeness from The Road.  

Hugs!

Valerie

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I had "The Talk" with the kids... about Harry Potter Land

For those of you that don't know me, I'm a huge Harry Potter fan.  So when we decided to take the kids to Disney on vacation this year, it was obvious that we would also go to Harry Potter Land.  Being the charmer I am, I was able to talk the family into agreeing to road trip it down.  I mean, the outrageous cost of airline tickets might of had something to do with it too.  But mostly it was my charm.  Eddie calls it nagging, but whatever.  We live in New Jersey.  So it's quite the long drive. 

I would make an AWESOME Gryffindor...

When I was a little girl, my family would go visit my grandparents in Florida every year.  And every year we would drive.  Me, my parents and my 2 brothers in a minivan.  It was horrible.  My dad would never want to stop anywhere, even to use the restroom.  One time my brother peed himself in the car.  We would also never stop at a hotel.  So, all 5 of us would have to sleep in the car which was packed to bursting with stuff.  

And That's how much room we had.  The whole trip.


I know what you're thinking... Why the hell would I want to road trip it out with such god awful childhood memories?  And to be honest, I'm not really sure.  I actually have a great love of long car trips.  Like they've been tattooed onto my soul.  

A few years ago, Eddie and I drove down to Key West for probably the most amazing wedding known to man. (There was a shitload of tequila & Eddie's amazing family... need I say more??  Well... Probably yes, but I can't.  What happens in Key West stays in Key West).  Anyway, Eddie hated the ride.  It was pretty tough since we went straight through, sleeping in shifts.  And I got the shits on the way back.  Rest stop shitting is the worst kind of shitting known to man.  Still... I fucking LOVED it!  

Key West ain't no joke, people.

Fast forward to the present... I'M LEAVING FOR AN EPIC PILGRIMAGE TO HARRY POTTER LAND ON SATURDAY!!!!  I can hardly breathe... Just too excited...

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!

So, in preparation,  I sat the kids down and had "The Talk".  My kids, like most small children, let you know damn well when they no longer want to be involved in a particular task.  They let you know by whining, crying, complaining, etc., and can take all the fun out of even the most spectacular of experiences.  Yea, kids are assholes like that. 


Once I booked the trip, I sat them down and had the following conversation:

Me:  Girls, as you both know we will soon be partaking in an epic journey to Harry Potter Land.  You both know who he is, right?

Girls:  Yes, Mommy... He is your hero.  The chosen one.

Me:  Exactly.  This Disney trip..  This is all for you.  But Potter Land?  That's for mommy and mommy only.  There will be no whining and no complaining.  Mommy will drink butter beer and buy a robe...  and she will have her Wand choose her.  She will ride her broomstick throughout the land with the wind whipping through her hair...  And you will both be happy for mommy or so help me God I will make the rest of your lives miserable...  and you know I will...

Girls:  Ok... Mommy.

Me:  Now, repeat after me... 


And I had them repeat the Sacred Vows of Not Messing Up Harry Potter Land for Mommy... Then we celebrated with a cookie..  I also tried to make Eddie repeat the sacred vows, but he wouldn't.  Probably because I terrify him, or whatever.

Eddie got no cookie that night.
 
So, with 3 days left, the last leg of my planning begins.  It involves a map, lab coat and a pot of coffee... Stay tuned! ;o)