Wednesday, June 27, 2012

That's the plan. Rule the world. You and me. Any day.

First off, if you got the reference to Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog, you and I should be best friends.  But this post isn't about Dr. Horrible, or my love for Neil Patrick Harris.  I have one about that coming next week.
This blog post is about Eddie.  I think Eddie is starting to develop a complex...

Conversation between me and Eddie:

Eddie:  You know... Sometimes you make me look like a real asshole on your blog.  You need to write something awesome about me.

Me:  Then I'm gonna need for you to buy me something pretty.

Eddie:  It is our policy not to give in to blackmail.

Me:  A cool pair of socks will do.

Eddie:  No.

Me:  I'm gonna go write a post about this conversation... Perhaps you will change your mind on those socks.

Eddie:  Sigh...

I think Eddie is afraid that I will write everything he does in my blog.  Which, let's be honest, I probably will.  So, is there some kind of support group out there that Eddie can join?


Should I just keep tormenting him for fun?

Thanks for the socks that I bought for me from you, Eddie!  And yes, those are wee little zombies and brains on them!! You know me so well!

Monday, June 25, 2012

Travels in Kenny's Shorts: Version 2.0

For those of you who have been reading this blog for the 2 months I've been writing it or know me in real life, you know all about the gloriousness that are Kenny's shorts.  If not, you can catch up here!  Basically, I stole a pair of shorts from a friend and relentlessly mock him by taking pictures in said shorts all over the fucking place. 

It's the little things, people.  Also, I am easily amused. 

Anyway, I documented my road trip to Florida by taking pictures in The Shorts throughout the states.  I would now like to share these with you.  Also, as with most photo montages, you'll need a song to listen to in the background.  I've taken the liberty of choosing one for your journey.

Good luck... and I'll see you on the other side, motherfuckers.

Me, Jazzy, some chickens and The Shorts at South of the Border
There was no lock on this bathroom door in Maryland.  Kenny's Shorts. My Hero.
The Kids and The Shorts.  Oh, yea... THAT'S HOGWARTS, BITCHES!!
Party like a Rock Star at the NC state line.
South Carolina.  Less Party, More Hippos.
Eddie was all "I'm not gonna help you into that hippo's mouth".  Then I was all "YOU RUINED IT!!!" Then he bought me ice cream so it was ok.

Kenny's Shorts: Perfect wand holder

Delaware:  Eddie wouldn't let me out of the car.  Not after the battleaxe incident.
Me, Eddie & Kenny's Shorts find a box that looks JUST LIKE A TARDIS!!! Only red. But we have bigger imaginations on the inside.
Virgina is for Fucking Awesome Shorts.
Kenny's Shorts love the animals!
And finally:  Kenny's Shorts, the Hulkmobile & Beer, motherfuckers!

Welcome to the otherside.  YOU DID IT!!  I hope you enjoyed yourself.  Gift shop to the right.  Rest rooms to the left. 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Free Motherfucking Candy

Upon checking the Stats section on my blogger account, it has come to my attention that 3 people have found this blog by googling the words "Free Candy".  And this reminded me of an incident that happened to me a few years ago.

I would totally accept candy from this van.

I was gonna just end the post there.  For shits and gigs.  But I didn't.  Because I'm no cocktease.

A few years ago, whilst working at a former employer I went out to run an errand.  My employer was located in the middle of a posh town.  Not like Super Posh, but just posh enough where I didn't fit in.  Which, when you think about it, really isn't posh at all.  Actually, it was probably just a normal neighborhood.  Maybe I should stop dressing up as Spidergirl and freaking people out.  Or, bringing up the impending Zombie Apocalypse to strangers.  Or... going out in public or talking to strangers in general.

Funnel Cake and Free Candy... The 2 F.C.'s in life that I can't live without.

Anyway, upon walking back to the office after some fun-filled errand running, I notice a well dressed bald man walking towards me.  And this wasn't just ANY bald man...  This was a bald man with A BASKET FULL OF LOLLYPOPS!!!!

The guy looked kind of like this... Except not covered in blood.

And not no shitty dum dum pops.  BLOW POPS!!!  With gum inside and shit!!  GUM. INSIDE. AND. SHIT.

Yea. It was the good stuff...

So, when the stranger said, "Would you like some CANDY?" in quite the dramatic fashion, I not only said "FUCK YEA I WOULD!!", but took 2 pieces.  I'm sure you can understand....  IT WAS FREE CANDY FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!!!

Candy... Gets me every time.

So, after skipping back to the office with my delicious treat, I told my co-workers about the man and was promptly scolded.  Apparently, strange men often give out roofie laced candy before snatching a bitch in an unmarked van. 

I told them not to be ridiculous!!!  HE WAS GIVING OUT BLOW POPS!!!  NOT DUM DUMS.  What do I look like?  An idiot?!?  Everyone knows rapists don't buy blow pops.  That's ludicrous.  But they weren't having it.  And even tried to throw my candy away.

This is what roofie laced candy looks like, people!!!

Good thing I had the spare lolly hidden safely in my bag... and I had just finished the first one and swallowed the gum.  I promptly called Eddie to show them all that it was totally ok.  But, you know that motherfucker sided with them?!?

Not to mention that I got a whole "Don't take candy from strangers" lecture when I got home.  That I quietly sat through without arguing at all... Mostly because I was enjoying my spare lollypop.  Suckers.

Not nobody touches my candy... Not nobody.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

UPDATED: Sean Connery is NOT dead. For when he dies, the end shall be upon us

Conversation between me and Eddie:

Me:  I didn't sleep well last night.  Do you think there was caffeine in that chai latte?!?  Because I'm totally gonna have another one tonight.  Fuck Sleep.  She doesn't rule me.

Eddie:  I couldn't sleep either.  Actually, I was sound asleep.  Then I got a text from Greg saying that Sean Connery died.

Me:  SEAN CONNERY IS DEAD!?!?!!?  THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!  I need to sit down.

Eddie:  See what I mean?!?!  The shock of losing Sean Connery jolted me into awakeness.  

Me:  How did he die?!? 

Eddie:  Oh, he's not dead.  It was another internet hoax.  But you understand why I couldn't get back to sleep after that.  

Me:   I will never sleep again when Connery dies.  In protest.

This is how I win every argument with Eddie.  Thank you, Sean Connery.

I just want you all to know that I am writing a letter to Sir Connery to let him know how much I love him.  You should all do it too.  You can get his address here.  It's better to say these things now before it's too late.  

UPDATED:  It has recently come to my attention that Sean Connery is pro-woman beating.  I have never been so disappointed in someone that I have never met.  Shame on you, Sir Connery.  Maybe your recent brush with fake death will make you see the errors in your ways.  I shall include this in my letter to you.  You're better than a pimp, Connery.  So much better.

The weird part is this is true for 98% of the male population.

I hope to max level one day... One. Day

Monday, June 18, 2012

My Stange Fear

Ok...  So, right up front I'm going to warn you all.  This post will be pretty gross.  If you are sensitive to bugs or have a fear of spiders, please don't read any further.  I say this because I have 2 close friends with legit phobias of spiders, and this shit would ruin their perfect day.  In fact, here is a happy picture instead.  So you can go about your day having happy thoughts.

This is what your mind can do to your arch nemesis.  You choose not to.  Making you a motherfucking Jedi.

Now that I've warned you...  I have a fear that a spider has crawled into my ear and laid eggs.  Is that weird?!?  Because at times, I can talk myself out of it.  But if I even have a little tickle in my ear, I immediately think:  Spiders.

Looking up pictures for this isn't really helping.

No, really.  I can't help but think that at some point whilst I slumbered all snug in my bed, a god damn spider crawled in there.  Maybe she invited other spiders for some fucked up house party.  One thing leads to another... Yada, yada, yada...  Then a very special episode of 16 and Pregnant IN MY MOTHERFUCKING EAR!!!

Like this... but IN MY FUCKING EAR!!!

A few weeks pass then BAM!!!  Here comes Maury to find out who the baby daddy is.  

You are NOT the father!!!!

And you know what happens next, right?  Those babies grow up...  And eat my ear canal...  And get into my brain...  And then eat some of it...  Forcing me to go insane...  And turn half way into a spider...  And then I end up running away from home because I'm shunned by my friends and family...  And live on a sidewalk in a box in Utah...  Until one day the carnie folk find me...  And take me into their freak show as the half spider girl...  

I won't lie to you.  This kid horrifies me.

You know what?  That's actually not to bad of a life.  I've always wanted to be a carnie!!!!  Fear conquered!!!  Thanks guys!!

Promise you'll all come visit me!!!


Sunday, June 17, 2012

Hell week is officially over! Now hand me my margarita.

Sorry for the low communication this week.  It was one shitball of a week.  Just in case you didn't know..  That's like a meatball, but instead of meat, there's shit with a tad of corn.  That you don't remember eating.  .

Even the kids are all "Fuck this week!"

This week was filled with an end of year school show, a kindergarten graduation, 2 dance recital dress rehearsals, 2 dance recitals, a birthday celebration bbq for my 10 year old, and father's day.  Whew!!!  I am exhausted!!!!

Alyssa celebrates her end of year show with her BFF
Happy Graduation Jazzy!
Alyssa and friend at Dance recital Numero Uno

Don't pretend you don't want this outfit

Happy 10th Birthday Alyssa!!!
Jazzy, Eddie and our niece, Sonaiya, at Father's Day Dinner

I promise a normal blog post tomorrow...  So in the meantime to battle the tomorrow-is-Monday-blues, here is a video of a guy dressed up as a zombie running around scaring the shit out of people in Miami.  If I lived closer to him, he would automatically be my best friend.  Fucking.  Hero.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

My name is Valerie Nunez and I'm a Draw Somethingaholic...

It started out as curiosity.  You know...  Because all my friends were doing it.  I just wanted to try it out once.  It quickly became something more.  I found myself playing whenever I had a free moment.  

Now I can't get enough.  I can't stop thinking about it.  It has consumed me.  I spent all day playing Sunday.  No, literally...  All.  Fucking.  Day.  I couldn't stop.  And when I didn't have anyone to play with, I kept refreshing the damn page to see if anyone sent me a drawing.

My family has started to complain about the lack of attention.  I've been neglecting everything and even staying up way past my bedtime.  I'm trying to get this thing under control.  I don't want to be one of those people that ends up on the street, sucking dick for a game.

I.  Will.  Win.  This.  Battle.

(P.S.  If any of you wanna play, my user name is NinjaValerie.)

Dear god... Someone help me.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

No good will EVER come from canned meat

Except maybe Spam...  But ONLY because there is a Monty Python skit about it.  And I just love those motherfuckers.

I've always been suspicious of canned meat.  Mainly because it doesn't need to be refrigerated.  Also, Mini-Moos.  There are 2 things I'm pretty sure of in life:  1. Meat and dairy products should be refrigerated.  And 2. Clowns are the source of all evils in the world.  Trust me.  It's true.

I know what you're thinking...  "Valerie!  How can you even think to attack the canned meat industry?!?  How will we get our meat if not by can?!"  Before you go all Dirty Harry on me and shoot me where I stand (because I just don't feel lucky at all today), let me share a little story with you...

A while back, when I was in the tuna fish section of our local grocery store, I came across this suspicious item being sold for consumption:

Nothing says Luvin like a belly full of potted meat food product!!!

Any product that has to add the word "food" to the title to assure us that this is, in fact, food is shady right off the bat.  And what the fuck does "potted" mean?!?  Ingredients:  Assholes, hooves, eyeballs and blood. 

Anyway, then Eddie said "Hey!  We should try this canned salmon.  It's probably just like tuna fish but healthier." 

It. Wasn't. Like. Tuna. At. All.

Disclaimer: The rest of this story is a bit disgusting...  Those of you with sensitive tummies may just want to skip it.

Don't say I didn't warn you!

Eddie ended up making me a salad to bring to work for lunch with the canned salmon.  When I began to eat the salmon at lunch, I thought it tasted a little weird but I kept on going.  Mainly because I was hungry and way too lazy to go all the way to the cafe downstairs to get replacement lunch. 

So I kept eating.  Even though a little voice in my tummy said to stop.  And suddenly, I saw it.  A bone.  A fucking bone in my salmon salad.  And not just any bone...  What looked like vertebra bone.  

Did you read that?  VERTEBRA!

Not an actual picture of mystery bone.  I was too busy dry heaving to take one. But it looked exactly like this.

Maybe it was the shock...  Maybe it was the roundness of the bone...  Maybe it was that it was all together fucking disgusting...  But at that point, my belly said NO MORE!

And that's when the dry heaves at my desk started.

I work in a cubicle that is surrounded by other cubicles.  So, the sound of someone cursing and dry heaving is sure to attract some attention.  

It wasn't pretty, you guys.  But luckily, I got it under control.  However, when I tried to share the story of what had happened, the heaves started again.  They would remain with me for most of the day.  I had to eat candy throughout the day to give my palate a memory of happy times.  

I was obviously very upset and saved said bone to show Eddie later in the day.  So I closed what was left of my salad in the tupperware.  Upon arriving home, I opened it up to show Eddie...  And the fucking smell hit me. 

Fish should never be left to sit in tupperware next to your office heater, guys.  This is a life lesson for all of us.  Write that shit down.

I never got to show Eddie the bone.  Because as soon as I opened that smellbomb, the dry heaves started right back up...  I tried closing the container and throwing that motherfucker in the garbage, but it was too late.  Much to my family's horror, I began vomiting.  EVERYWHERE.  

I now have a newly found problem eating fish.  I'm pretty sure Eddie had this whole thing planned...  

Thanks. Eddie.

But, if you're still on the fence about the canned meat debate, let me leave you with this image:

Whole Chicken in a Can... Obviously full of all the vitamins and minerals growing children need!

Heed my warning, my friends.  Cleaning vomit is never fun.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

I met The Bloggess and am Pregnant with our lovechild

Ok... That last part is a lie.  I am NOT pregnant with The Bloggess's lovechild.  Although, I'm sure if we were to have a lovechild, she would look much like a human mixed with a unicorn.  Kind of like a centaur to the 12th power.  But more glowy.  Like one of those glow worms I used to sleep with as a kid.  But only when you press his belly, because he's a gentleman. 

Don't lie.  We make a fucking sexy couple.

Our Lovechild. 

Anyway, the point of this is that I met The Bloggess last night.  It was an impromptu trip.  I knew that she was coming to NJ, but for some reason thought it was towards the end of the month.  Then I realized it was actually last night.  So I dragged a friend with me.  She hasn't really read the blog, but she read the book after I told her she needed to.  Then she peed a little whilst partaking in its glory.

"To Valerie aka Zombie Slayer, Constant Vigilance! Jenny Lawson"

It was a fantastic time!!!  Jenny is as sweet in real life as she appears to be on her blog.  It's refreshing to meet someone who you've been looking forward to meet, and them being as amazing as they are in your mind.  Because, I met Lou Ferrigno once, and me and Eddie were fucking siked.  We grew up watching The Incredible Hulk tv show.  But as it turns out, Lou is a bit of a douche.  We were so very disappointed.  So very, very disappointed.

We never really got over the disappointment...

I first discovered Jenny about a year ago when I first became interested in blogging.  She was a complete inspiration to me, as I am sure she is to a lot of you.  So lovable and quirky and REAL!  She helped me realize that it's not only cool to let your freak flag fly high, but also that no one is perfect.  And my social anxieties and awkwardness are perfectly normal.  

Did I mention that Rosie O'Donnell was there last night too??

After reading just about all of her blog posts within a few short days.  I found the Traveling Red Dress post and was immediately entranced.  It was like she was reading my fucking mind!!!  

And then the weirdest thing happened....  Someone from the Traveling Red Dress facebook page sent me a gorgeous red dress because she, like many others, believe that every woman should have the opportunity to wear a spectacular red dress for no other reason than to just feel splendid.  Next thing I knew, the photographer from Emma June Photography had volunteered to document my awesomeness.  The fact that 2 complete strangers would volunteer their time, energy & money just to make someone they have never met feel good about them self is astounding to me.  Being a born cynic, I didn't think that something like that was possible.  It helped restore some of my faith in humanity, which is a feat in itself.

I can now accept free candy again without worry!!!

When you look at the current state of the world, it's refreshing to know that not everyone is an asshole.  When I first read about TRD on the Bloggess's website, I was moved.  I really do believe that every person, man or woman, should be able to sport something that makes them feel fucking phenomenal just because.  And if you wait around for the appropriate time to have your "just because" moment, it may never come.  And NO ONE wants to be that person who looks back on their life and thinks of all the things they could have done.  CARPE DIEM, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

Seize the day, Bitches!

Sometimes we all need that epic football halftime speech.  The one where the coach tells us that even though we aren't winning now... Even though this team we are up against seems better than us in every motherfucking way possible, we are still gonna win this thing.  Because when the chips are down and shit is on the line, we will go out there and do what we have to do.  We WILL put out an epic performance.  WE.  WILL.  WIN.

Don't act like the halftime speech from Little Giants didn't break you the fuck down like a small child.

That red dress moment came at a perfect time in my life.  That was my halftime speech...  Thanks for believing in me, coach.