There is a show on Syfy called Scare Tactics that I just love. It's like Candid Camera (if you're old enough to remember that shit. If not, fuck you! Google it!!!). Except instead of playing practical jokes on people, they scare the shit out of them. But the best part is that you can email the show to set up someone you know for a good scare.
|Fuck YEA Tracy Morgan!!!|
Needless to say, I have been begging Eddie for years to email the show and have them come scare the shit out of me. Ask me how many times Eddie has emailed them...
... Go ahead ask me...
|No ice cream and NO SCARE TACTICS!!!|
Zero. None. Nada. That's a big fat NO! I think it's because he secretly hates me...
I know what you're thinking... "Valerie, why the hell would you want someone to scare you and then put it on national television?" Because I love being scared, that's why! DON'T JUDGE ME!!! I mean, we're not talking about some lame jumping-out-from-behind-something-BOO! This will be epic. There will be professional actors... and props... and hopefully a midget... I mean. This is the big times, guys. BIG. TIME.
|Big Time Scares make you want to rip your own face off... I want that.|
What scares me, you ask? Clowns and ghosts, motherfuckers... Clowns and ghosts. You may also want to suggest that there be a midget there for the post-scare moment when everyone is trying to talk me down whilst I breathe into a paper bag and cuss like a sailor. Because I'm gonna need a hug... In fact, I'm gonna need a hug that only a midget can give.
So, if you all love me, you should email the Scare Tactics website at email@example.com and hook a bitch up. I promise it will be funny as hell, and will entail me running away and screaming like a little girl. And, if you're lucky, I just may pee myself.
|The Post-Scare Hug Moment.|