So last weekend, me and 2 of my awesome friends partook in a weekend filled of Zombie Apocalypse Survival Training. It is held by a group of bad asses in South Jersey. No, really... The only person I know who is more bad ass than these fuckers is probably me. But, they would give me a run for my money.
You can read more about the camp here.
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| Stephanie, Me and Liz: Team Lasagna Box |
The weekend is from Friday evening through Sunday afternoon. There is a plethora of skills taught. Survival in a post apocalyptic world. How to find shelter, food and water. How to hot wire a car. Gun training. Zombitzu fighting. Crossbow shooting. I mean, the list goes on. And every last bit of if was not only interesting and helpful, but also taught with fun and charm by the trainers. I have never met such a fantastic group of people who really know their stuff. When shit goes down, there is no question. These people will survive!!!
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| Team Kick Your Fucking Teeth In |
Stephanie, Liz and I arrived Friday around 6:30pm and were promptly welcomed by Sue and Mark. They offered us beer and food. We took the beer... Because that's how we roll. We were given a quick tour of our place for the weekend, which was an old hunting lodge that the trainers rent out for the class. It was roomy and comfy. Upstairs were the bedrooms. Basically barracks which were co-ed and shared with the other teammates. Not too bad.
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| Even our GPS was all "Where the FUCK are you going?!?" |
The only real issue I had was the bathroom. It was downstairs off the dining area and contained 2 stall toilets, 2 sinks and a stall shower. Not much privacy. Also, situated across from the shower stall was a chair, which I lovingly named the Jerk Off Chair. It actually turned out not to be so bad, since me and my girls ended up Bogarting the whole bathroom and took turns showering and guarding the door. Because if this were a real survival situation, you shower in teams and watch each other's backs. We take our survival weekends seriously. Also, by the end of an evening of drinking, we may have been a wee bit drunk... Which explains all the inappropriate shower pictures on my camera. What can I say? Girls will be girls.
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| Bathroom Gophers |
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| "I don't usually jerk off, but when I do... I use The Jerk Off Chair." |
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| This is what you get when you stay in the bathroom too long... REAL MATURE GUYS!!! |
Saturday morning we woke up early and started on our training. Various survival skills were discussed as well as a fun discussion on the strengths and weaknesses of zombies. And then we moved on to hot wiring a car. I. WAS. SO. EXCITED.
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| I'm kind of a big deal... |
The trainer who taught us was Ed, lovingly referred to as The Reverend. He was probably one of the coolest guys I have ever met, and I was immediately smitten. Anyone who can build a generator out of rudimentary objects and has a prison-cell like room in their basement filled with various weapons is immediately on my "OMG. I love you" list. Hot wiring a car was confusing at first; however, with the gentle guidance of The Reverend, I mastered the skill in no time. I am quite confident that I would be able to rig it up on my own. He even went through where to find fuel when the shit hits the fan, what kind of fuel is best and how long we have until it all goes bad. Basically, most fuel will be useless in about 9 months or so. I will be working on bringing up my biking and cardio skills. I suggest you all do the same.
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| The best vehicle of the Zombie Apocalypse. |
The melee fighting lessons were also fun. Basically, you can kill or injure anyone with just about anything you have lying around the house. Even a Twizzler. No, really. The best was watching the demonstration on how to beat a zombie and/or attacker with a chair. We learned where to hit a zombie to bring that fucker down. Elbow, knee, base of the skull, Bitches!!!
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| I will beat you, then sit on you. |
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| Would you say you have a plethora of weapons? |
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| My. Favorite. :o) |
Of course, me and Stephanie took it up a notch and just started beating the hell out of each other with sticks. Because, as the trainers put it, there's always at least one in every group. And that's usually us. Well, it was all fun and games until the vagina shots started. Then shortly after I yelled "You just bruised my uterus!" training was over.
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| Liz shows off her mad kneecapping skillz |
Saturday night was the SHIT! Playing Apples to Apples with alcohol and a bunch of people I don't know is pretty fucking fun. Mostly the alcohol part because I think we all know about my social anxiety issues. If not, well... Now you do. Stephanie and I finished up Saturday by getting a little drunk and watching zombie movies with some of the others. It was fun and I may have peed a little from all the laughing.
Although, we did get reprimanded by people who went to sleep early that evening... on a Saturday night... whist they were away from home with no responsibilities... and a shit ton of zombie movies begging to be watched... and beer... But, whatever. To each their own. I'm the kinda gal who likes to have some giggles and good conversation and make the best of my time. Sometimes you meet people who like to go to bed early and be grumpy and give you dirty looks.
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| The Group. I'll let you judge on your own. |
Let me take this moment to point out that I am putting together a band of people to do this again next year and with 16 I can book the whole place. Because I think, although it was the most awesome weekend imaginable, it would be even better when you are surrounded by fun, like-minded people who don't take life too seriously and know how to have a good time.
Moving on....
GUNS!!! LOTS AND LOTS OF GUNS!!!!
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| Ok guys... I'm gonna clear the area. Then we're all going out for ice cream. |
Rifles and pistols and shotguns, OH MY!!! I was so excited about the guns, that by the time it came to shoot them I was shaking. I naturally shake when I get nervous or excited... much like a chihuahua. And I was excited. Some might say too excited. In fact, let's just say if I were a dude, I would have been pitching a tent all day... Then poking people with it... Until someone probably shot me for sneaking up on them... Which is probably why the Gods did not, in their infinite wisdom, choose to give me a penis.
Sigh....
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| The Gun is my Penis. |
Where were we? Ahhhh, yes... Someone let me play with guns.
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| I will find you... And I will kill you. |
Safety was the #1 priority there. There was never a point when the guns were out that any alcohol was available. And we were all taught the basic safety laws prior to being allowed to shoot any weapons. This shit was LEGIT!!
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| Chicks with Dic... I mean, Guns.. |
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| Stephanie had problems closing one eye, so she had a handy dandy human eye patch |
But, OH THE FUN WE HAD! My favorite had to be the shotguns. They gave a hell of a kick and made me feel like quite the bad ass. We even got to shoot the clay pigeons. I hit 2 out of 3... Then promptly jizzed in my pants.
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| You're welcome, America. |
And then something weird happened. Something I didn't expect. I fell in love. I fell in love... with a crossbow. A crossbow is what would happen if a gun and a bow fucked and had a baby. I suspect it was created by some mad scientist in Russia or by some drunken redneck. Where ever it came from it matters not for I know exactly where it's going. Home with me. Sorry, Eddie. You just lost your place in the bed.
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| I'm sorry I'm not sorry, Eddie. |
At the end of the weekend, there was an obstacle course. Now, I am not really a competitive person, except when it comes to Monopoly. But we don't play Monopoly anymore. Not since what has become known as The Incident. Eddie made the mistake of buying Park Place back in '97 and rubbed it in my face like an asshole. So I flipped the board and told him to go fuck himself. I'm sure you'll all agree that he kinda had that coming. Nobody buys Park Place on my watch... Not nobody.
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| When shit gets real. |
Well, for the obstacle course we were spit into 3 teams. Our team consisted of us 3 and 2 men (a dad and his 17 year old son) that journeyed from Texas to take part in the camp. (YES it is THAT awesome!) As it turns out, they were the most awesome people ever! Calm and collected through the whole ordeal. They helped calm my nerves about me worrying that we would not win, and I would be letting them down. They gave me a jolly wink, nod and a "Just breathe and have fun. We're already winners." I mean, wow. And as it turns out, the dad worked in an ER, so he was our GUY for the first aid segment of the obstacle course.
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| "Calm the fuck down, Val." |
The obstacle course was a timed event that each team had to go through twice. Best time took the fucking cake. This is how shit went down:
- Team runs out of house and 2 people (Stephanie and Liz) have to use melee training (elbow, knee hits only) to take down 2 trainers pretending to be zombies.
- 2 members of team (Me and Stephanie) must fire crossbow and hit within the targeted area
- 1 member (Texas Dad) must do 2 sutures on a gross decaying pig leg
- 4 members (Everyone minus Stephanie) must a fire paintball gun at 4 different zombie targets getting head shots
- 1 member (Texas Son) must sniper rifle shoot a can of shaving cream from really really far away
- successful hot wiring of a car (Me)
We were Team Number One, so we got to start it off. By this point I was on the verge of a panic attack. For real. There was lots of smack talk from other teams. I would have been ok with doing the whole obstacle course if no one were watching. But the fact that there were people watching really fucked me up. I don't do well in front of crowds. Call it public speaking phobia, call it social anxiety, call it whatever. But if there are more than 3 people around, I lock up.
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| What?!? Me?? Shy??? Go figure. |
Let me take you back for a moment, if I could, to a time when I was about 18 and Eddie brought me to a family party to introduce me to everyone when we first started dating. When I saw so many people in one place (his family is gianormous), I shut down. No, really. I sat in a chair in the corner and stared at the table. Finally Eddie came over to me and said the following immortal words: "Valerie... You've got to get out of that chair and start talking to people. Everyone is starting to think that you're retarded or something." Luckily, it was at that party that Eddie's cousin introduced me to alcohol. And things really just sorted themselves out after that.
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| This really is my zombie killing shirt. |
But there was no alcohol allowed on this course so I just had to deal. I put on my big girl pants and handled my shit like an adult. We made it through with no incident. Well, Liz did black out and take a trainer out with a head shot... But that shit was just funny. Everything else went rather smoothly. Our team worked really well together. And what sealed the deal was having an ER dr on our team. He was MVP all the way with his awesome stitching skills. But we all played our part and did really well. We all fucking rocked that shit out like the heroes we are.
I would like to tell you that we won. I would love to tell you that we kicked everyone's ass. But that would be.... THE. FUCKING. TRUTH!!!!
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| Team #1 is team #1. Period. |
First round we knocked that shit out in 3 minutes and 51 seconds. Team 2 did it in about 7 minutes and even got a do-over for some crossbow mishap. Team 3 did it in 5 mins. Second round we came back with a motherfucking vengeance and did the whole course in 3 mins and 19 seconds. Team 2 was around 5 mins and Team 3 was just under 4. And what made it even sweeter was that we were the only team that didn't talk shit. Because I never talk shit when I compete... Until I win.
Then I sing... Join me, motherfuckers!!!
And THAT, my friends, is how you end a fucking awesome weekend.
