Thursday, August 30, 2012

I'm gonna fashion a shiv out of rudimentary objects and kill this fucking cold

This isn't a real post...  Eddie gave me a cold.  Probably because he is jealous of my collection of signed Mannequin Memorabilia.  He's petty like that.

I'll be back next week with some fun stuff.  This weekend starts Valtember.  What's Valtember, you ask?  

Valerie + September / (The Square Root of Awesome) = VALTEMBER

That's right!!!  MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY MONTH CELEBRATION!  The time has arrived to celebrate me!!!  So I need to get a bit better so I can party down.


Hugs!

Valerie

P.S.  Here is a picture to keep you busy.  I seriously looked at this for about 5 mins trying to make sense of it.  Good luck to you.  It haunts my dreams.



Monday, August 27, 2012

Did I mention I have the power to marry people?

For those of you who don't know me personally, I'm sorry.  You should probably come to NJ to visit.  We could hang out on my couch and drink whilst watching movies.  Because that's how I roll.

Jesus and I love you!

Also, I am an ordained minister.  No, really.  I am.

Proof Motherfuckers!!!  I keep this pretty baby in my car...  Because I'm ALWAYS on official business.

I bet you're thinking "What.  The.  Fuck.  Why, man?!?  HOW?!?"  Two words:  The Internet.  Oh fuck yea!!  I became an ordained minister a few years ago from the comfort of my toilet using my android phone.  One click and PA-DOW!  Just like that, I can not only marry people, make my own holy water, but also baptize people.  Hell, even Eddie is an ordained minister.  He didn't know about it at first, but I decided it was something we should be together.  So, I enrolled him.  


Conversation between me and Eddie:

Eddie (upon checking his email):  Did... Did you just sign me as an ordained minister?!?

Me:  *Giggling uncontrollably*

Eddie:  Why would you do that?

Me:  To guarantee you'll get into heaven too.  Otherwise, who will I talk to?!?  I bet the conversation up there is really boring.  Mother Teresa will be all "And then I saved this person from leprosy."  But you know what, Eddie?!?  I like lepers!!!  LEAVE THE LEPERS ALONE!!!!

Eddie:  There is something really wrong with you.

Me:  I just don't think I'll fit in.


I know!!!  It's fucking awesome!!  I mean...  Just think about the power.  I'm like a Jedi on the verge of becoming a Sith...  Do I use this power responsibly?  Only marrying people that are in love?

Me performing probably one of the most epic wedding ceremonies known to man for my brother and his wife a couple of years after becoming a minister.
 

Or do I marry people who don't even know it's really happening?

Just think of how tight the diapers will be on their first child.

I don't think they even suspected it.

Or... Do I just run around like a fucking psycho and marry inanimate objects?

They will have the CUTEST PUPPIES EVER!!!

Empty coffee cup, do you take box of Trojans to be your husband?  I think it's safe to say she does.

These guys were really in love.  Paperclip Ninja was the best man.

Zero and Gypsy... FOREVER!

I am totally for gay, interracial marriage.

Doesn't the bride look beautiful?!?!

My toes sleep together every night... Might as well make it official. 

Uhhhh.... No comment.

I totally tried to marry myself to Superman.  But Eddie was all...  Actually, I think he was fine with it.  I mean... It's Superman.


I think we all know what path I chose.  In fact, you should all join me.  Yes, yeessss.... JOIN ME!!!  MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough*....  Sigh.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

The moment we stop believing is the moment the Sasquatch win

Besides the plethora of signatures on Mannequin Arm and my Tick action figure, I procured 2 additional items at the now legendary Horror Convention.


"Made with Unicorn Tears for extra healing power!"

Yep, it's made with bits of real Unicorn, so you know it's good!  Tested by my kids who agree that 60% of the time it works every time in making booboos heal faster than the leading brand of band-aids.


Plus...  It came with a FREE GIFT!!! 

The last thing I got was a Sasquatch air freshener.  Now, when you see this, what do you think it would smell like?


My guess would be pine needles.

If you guessed "pine needles," you are FUCKING WRONG!!!  No Final Jeopardy for you!!  Now, go do a lap around the gymnasium!!! 

If you guessed Sasquatch Ass, you deserve a prize...  Because I did not see that coming.  I know what you're thinking.  "Valerie!  Didn't you smell it before putting it in your car?!?"  Well I fucking did!  And I swear...  Upon opening the thing, it smelled of piney goodness mixed with some unknown substance.  

Later I realized that "unknown substance" was poo, guys... POO.

I realized this after coming back from a hard day of work to a car that smelled like a Sasquatch had broken in and took a dump on my dashboard.  I had to roll all the god damn windows down to air my baby out. 


Exactly like this... But inside.

Now ask me if I removed the offender from my car...  Go ahead.  Ask.

That answer would be NO!!!   And this is why:

  1. I spent, like, $3 on that thing.  And I'll be damned if I'm not going to get my money's worth.  Even if the fucking thing smells like Sasquatch diarrhea. 
  2. I collect car air fresheners and this lil puppy, although stinky, is pretty friggin sweet looking.
  3. The day we start doing things because they smell like dead Yeti is the day the Sasquatch win.

Some of my sweet car air freshener collection


So, you might be the temporary victor here, Sasquatch.  But sooner or later, your stank will fade...  Then who's the winner?  

.....  

Well...  Probably still you... But... At least...  At least I fought like a champion.


Monday, August 20, 2012

Mannequin Arm becomes a real arm... Like fucking Pinocchio and shit.

First off, let me just say that we had a FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC time at the horror convention.  And you know what makes Monster Mania even MORE fun than usual?

A FUCKING MANNEQUIN ARM.

That statement is 100% accurate and has been tested in the field.


Not only were the people who signed the arm very excited to do so, the people I ran into were equally siked to help out in my venture to make this arm come to life with the mysticism and love one can only obtain from other slightly imbalanced individuals.

Was I successful in my attempt?  Let me share my journey with you, and you can judge for yourself...


Let me start off by saying that those 3 sad beers in the back were drunk by Eddie.  The balance was all me and my gal Stephanie.
 
Some people may call us "functioning alcoholics"... But we know we are just plain awesome.
 
Daryl doesn't flinch when it comes to zombies.  But if you rub his face with Mannequin Arm whilst whispering in a creepy high pitched voice "Mannequin Arrrrrrm!", he will squeal like a girl and jump 10 feet in the air....  True.  Fucking.  Story.
 
Glenn on the other hand was TOTALLY into the sexiness of The Arm.  I think he wanted to keep it.
 
I'm not going to lie to you.  Dale was the best person EVER!  I want to hang out with him and just listen to him tell stories... Forever.
 
Sophia shook Mannequin Arm as we went to leave and said "It was a pleasure meeting you."  You're welcome, Sophia.
 
And then we met Dante from Clerks.  BONUS SIGNATURE! He was all "This is the first arm I've ever signed...  Once someone made me sign a big black dildo.  Wanna see my giant bottle of hand sanitizer?"
 
Also, we met Boone from Nightbreed but Mannequin Arm missed it.  He passed out in the room (Lightweight!!)...  I'm not sure who those other people are.  But we were all pretty drunk.
 
Mannequin Arm missed out on this one too!  The Dude from Nightmare on Elm Street III!!!!  He was all "I'll take a pic with you... But not the large bunny.  He smells like socks."  Again... we were all pretty drunk.  That might be Carrot Top in the back.  I'm not sure.
 
Michael Myers may have his knife, but Mannequin Arm is way more deadly when he's been fortified with famous people signatures.

Freddy and me with our weapons of mass destruction.  I win.
 
Even reception at the hotel was siked about Mannequin Arm!
 
Also, I avoided this horrifying clown all night.  Until he ripped the latex clown mask off.  Then we were cool.  Because I'm brave like that.

Look at the excitement on Eddie's face...  He was so happy I brought The Arm.  Damn he's lucky to be married to me.


BOOBIES!!!!!!!


As you probably have already realized, you all need Mannequin Arms.  Not only is it fun, but it could save your life.  Let's break it down:

Valerie vs. Jason...  No Mannequin Arm = Death

Valerie vs. Jason...  With Mannequin Arm = Epic Battle to the Death (Spoiler Alert:  I won)

Yea...  Exactly!!!  YOU.  NEED.  A.  MANNEQUIN.  ARM.  You should be happy that you realized this now and not on your death bed.  Because if it's one thing that sucks, it's realizing that you needed a Mannequin Arm to make your life complete.  And You Can't Get The Fuck Up And Get One.  And also, that there is a weird smell coming from your pants.  So do it now...  Before it's too late.


Me, Mannequin Arm, and my new Tick action figure.  Fin.






Thursday, August 16, 2012

Mannequin Arm's training for world domination (and household chores) begins!!!

So, this week has been just chalk full of all kinds of Mannequin Arm goodness.  It was much like a delicious candy treat...  But instead of nougat, there was the severed arm of a false human. 

We have been hard at work training our newest addition to RULE THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD...  and also do laundry and shit.  

Let me share some special moments from the week.


This is exactly what I would look like with a fake arm.

Mannequin Arm can't really hold his liquor.  To be honest...  I think it might be due to the fact that he has no mouth.

Catching some zzzz's in his favorite chair

Mannequin Arm has a soft spot for penguins.  No, really.  He even has a plan to have them help with World Domination.  But I was all "That's the fucking plot of Batman Returns, dumbass.  Get some eyes!"

Then he tried to crawl into my soul through my mouth because he "doesn't like backtalk".  Asshole. 

He decided to use crabs instead.  Because Mannequin Arm's no fucking hack.

After that we were all good and did the now infamous Mannequin Arm Conga Line.

Then he tried to eat all the cake for Jasmyn's birthday celebration.

But Jazz was all "No!  My cake!  Scratch my back, ARM!"

So far he's excelled more at the domination than the other stuff.  Not to be sexist or anything, but I think it's because it's a man arm. 

Mannequin Arm LOVES weight training. 

And Yoga.  I think it centers him.
 

I'll be sure to pick up a female for good ol' lefty.  Because, he totally burned my fucking shirt.

The fucking shirt is ruined.

But then... things got a little weird...

We're not really sure what he eats yet...

... but he's really taken a liking to our Heart in a Jar...





Anyway, this weekend is THE WEEKEND!!!  Monstercon motherfuckers!  You know what that means...  This is the weekend my Mannequin Arm gets signed by some of The Walking Dead people and becomes magical!!!!  

Wish me luck!!