Thursday, September 27, 2012

VIVA LA VALTEMBER!!!

Ok, motherfuckers!  We are 2 days away from the grandness that is the peak of VALTEMBER!!!  So, I'm giving you all a mission...


Dreams come true in VALTEMBER.


Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to do something fun and crazy in honor of VALTEMBER.  It doesn't have to be skydiving or swimming with sharks.  It just has to be something that you don't do all the time.  Something that you've been dying to do but just can't seem to find the time for.  Whether it be a road trip, a spa visit, or an afternoon of masturbation, I want you to treat yourself!!  Because you deserve it.

Also, one more thing...  When you are doing this awesome thing, you need to yell out VIVA LA VALTEMBER at some point.  To honor the moment of awesomeness.  Unless your masturbating.  Then, no...  You can just yell out whatever you need to.  

Also, don't forget that my FIRST EVER GIVEAWAY ends at midnight this Saturday!!!  Find out more details by clicking HERE.

Now, go out there and get this shit done.






Jean Claude believes in you...  And so do I.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Either I'm going crazy or faery folk are trying to communicate with me... You decide.

Eddie thinks I'm going crazy.  Now, he may be right as craziness does run in my family.  Take my aunt on my dad's side.  She went bonkers at the age of 35 and decided that Jesus was talking to her.  He once told her to paint a family friend's house...  pastel colors.  True story.  We got an irate call from the owner and then the cops showed up.  She was my hero for much of my childhood.  Until she tried to kidnap me and, on another occasion, chased me down the street with a broomstick.  She lost Bro status soon after that.

I see where I get it from now....


It's been long decided by many a-people that when I turn 35, I too will go crazy.  And I won't lie to you...  I can't fucking wait.  I mean, I will have a valid excuse to do whatever crazy thing I want with no consequences.  Because I'll have my government issued "Don't pay attention to her, she's nuts" card!!!  I.  Will.  Never.  Have.  To.  Wear.  Pants.  Again.

Never.  Again.


I turn 34 this week.  Eddie says the clock is ticking.  At first I was like, Nah...  But then last night happened, and I'm starting to think that he may be on to something.

Let me start off by saying that I am usually a sound sleeper.  However, there was that incident not too long ago where I'm pretty sure I was bit by a spider in the middle of the night.  Then last week, I jumped out of bed at 3am convinced that I was being attacked once again by said spider... or a vampire.  But Eddie kindly informed me that there was "nothing in the fucking bed except us.  Now turn off that light and put those pillows back.  No spiders or vampires.  Go to bed."


Hufflepuff had that coming!


Ok.  So, maybe he was right.  There was nothing in the bed (that time).  Which leads us to last night....


Conversation between me and Eddie at approximately 2am:

Me  (hitting Eddie in the leg):  What the fuck is that?!?!  There is something in the bed with us!!!

Eddie:   What are you talking about!!!  There is nothing in the bed!  That's my leg!!!!

Me (still hitting Eddie in the leg):  No!  Seriously!!  THERE IS SOMETHING IN THE... oh..  That's your leg.  My bad. 


Now, you may be thinking "You're not crazy, Val!  People mistake legs for monsters all the time."  Which brings me to the 3am incident of last night.  I will give you 2 versions, Eddie's and Mine.  

Seriously... This was in my fucking bed, guys!


Eddie's Version

Eddie claims that he awoke to the sound of me getting out of bed.  When he did not hear the door open to the bedroom for me to go potty, he looked over to my side of the bed.  That's when he said he saw my standing in the corner looking at the closet, like the end of The Blair Witch Project. Eddie says he then told me to get back into bed.  I mumbled something about faery tunnels and got into bed laughing my ass off.  

"Get the fuck back in bed, VAL!!!"


My Version AKA The Truth

I was sleeping ever so soundly in my bed when Eddie came in and woke me up.  He told me he had a surprise for me and I had to get out of bed to see.  So I did.  (Let me point out that most people would have hit someone who woke them up on a work night.  But I didn't because I'm a good wife..)  I got out of bed to see that our closet and left side of the bedroom had been transformed by the faeries!!  There were glorious tunnels everywhere that looked much like hobbit holes!  They were covered in flowers and practically glowing with joy.  The butterflies were flying around me telling me to go see them...  Go see the faery folk.  They were waiting for me.  Just as I was looking at the entrances to the tunnels trying to figure which one I should go into, Eddie started complaining at me to get back in bed, scaring the faeries away.  I went to get back in bed, saddened that they had gone.  But then I thought, they might come back!!  And laughed with utter glee at the frolicking that may just take place another night.

"Come visit us, Valerie... Forever, and ever, and ever..."


Now that you have both versions of the story, who do you think is right?  I mean, it's obvious that it's me, but I won't be rude.  You decide.

P.S.  Don't forget to enter to win your very own mannequin hand in my first ever give away!!  You can find out how by clicking HERE.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

And you too can be the lucky owner of glorious mannequin hand!!!

Have you ever caught yourself thinking "DAMN!!!  I wish I had my very own mannequin hand to do as I wish with!"  Well, now all your dreams can become a reality because I am doing my first ever giveaway!!!

WOW!!!  What a giveaway!!!


I know...  It's too exciting for words!  

Others may be thinking "Valerie...  What the fuck am I going to do with a mannequin hand?!"  Well, here are some ideas for you, because I am a good person and proud owner of my very own mannequin hands.

Mannequin hands are awesome at morning coffee!!!

Kids LOVE mannequin hands!!!

Scare your friends and family!

Have Anthony Michael Hall sign it!  He LOVES mannequin hands!

Let mannequin hands free your artistic spirit!


I can feel your excitement building!!   


All you need to do in order to win this fantastic prize is the following:

  1. Become a follower of this blog by clicking on the "follow me" button on the right hand side of this page under "Team Val".
  2. Leave a comment below about what you would do with your mannequin hand.

That's it people!!!  So, go on!  Get to it before it's too late...  Winner will be announced on September 29th, my birthday! 

VIVA LA VALTEMBER!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My 6 year old is more bad ass than 99% of the people I have ever met

I don't really have a blog post today.  Mainly because I was out celebrating my niece's 4th birthday at the Rainforest Cafe with a plethora of kids that were all hopped up on cake, ice cream and freedom.  So instead, here are some conversations that I have had recently with my 6 year old, Jasmyn.  

As background, please note that Jazzy has reduced grown men to tears with a look. She's been like that since birth, when she almost immediately earned the nickname of "Baby Stewie".  We are all convinced that she has a secret lab somewhere in the house (possibly underground) in which she is working on weaponry to one day take over the world.  True story.


The Look usually looks like this.

Jazzy: (farts on my yoga mat)
Me: It's bad yoga etiquette to fart on another persons mat...
Jazzy: Im sharing my love for you, Mommy. There is love in my farts.
Me: How do you figure?
Jazzy: Well.. it starts at my heart. And then goes down down down.. And comes out of my butt!!


Jazzy showing some superior dance class moves.


(Me & Jazz running late for dance class)
Me: (mumbling incoherent curse words at other drivers)
Jazzy: What did you say mommy?
Me: Nothing. I was talking to the people that can't drive.
Jazzy: Ok. You were talking to yourself then.
Me: ......



The time Jazzy fell asleep on the stairs.  I'm pretty sure she had a plan for this.


Eddie: Why are you so grumpy tonight?
Jazzy: Because everyone is talking to me and I don't like it.
Eddie: Well... If she ain't a chip off the old block...



SNUGGLES!!!!


Jazzy (On the toilet):  I hope you brought your bathing suit cuz you're about to go in the poop pool!
Me: Huh?
Jazzy: My poops about to go swimming in the pool, mommy.. 



Jazzy's school project last year.  She had to pick 100 things to glue on to paper...  She picked eyes.

 
Me: Jazzy!!! Sit down and stop moving!!!!
(5 mins pass.. I look over and see Jazz stuck the same position.)
Me: Jazz.. What are you doing?
Jazz: I'm not moving, mommy..



I am pretty sure that most of the time she's just fucking with our heads.


Jazzy: (at the Zombie Walk) "Mommy... Im so tired. Being a zombie is tiring ... And... sticky..."

So.  Sticky.
 

Me: Jazz... What are you doing?
Jazz: These are my hunting clothes .. I'm going hunting.
Me: For what?
Jazz: Bad guys and zombies.. I have a bow & arrow...
Me: You're my hero.

Jazz: You're welcome. (leaves the room)
 
 
Bad.  Ass.
 
     

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Monday is stalking me

I don't know if you guys know this about me...  But I fucking despise Mondays.  Not, like, a normal hate.  I.  Fucking.  Despise.  Mondays.  To my very essence.  The depression of Monday's imminent arrival sets in on Sunday afternoon.  I kinda feel like I want to cry and do some Kevin Bacon Footloose angry dancing in an old abandoned warehouse.


Break it down, Bacon!!!!


Is it just me?  Or do you guys wanna angry dance too.  Hell... We should have a meet up somewhere on Sundays for group angry dancing.  Seriously, think about it.  It would not only make us feel better, but also offer us refuge from the impending doom that is Monday.


If we get enough people, we could set a world record.  I figure, we'll need about 4 or 5 people to do this.  But that's just a guesstimate.


Anyway, here is a video that never fails to cheer me up.  I thought I would share.  If I could be a superhero and have a sidekick, it would be this guy.  Hands fucking down.




Motherfucking.  Hero.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Kenny's Shorts vs Val's Sunglasses: An Epic Battle of our Times

If you are a reader of this blog, you already know about Kenny's Shorts.  If not, I will interpretive dance my feelings on the subject.

I could have gone into the Carnie business.

Or...  You can skip the heartache and possible retina damage by clicking HERE.  You can catch up on past events and interpretive dance your feelings to me.  Please feel free to send me a video on it.  Because if it's one thing I love, it's some interpretive dance...  with ...  ribbons...  and... cats....

*tear... sniff*  Just so beautiful...  

But I digress...

Our story begins with us attending a party at Kenny's house.  I may have gotten a bit tipsy and left my sunglasses there.  And by "may have" I mean "that's exactly what I fucking did."  So, then this happened.

Kenny stole my glasses and mocked me.  Heavily. 

It. Was. Awesome.

So, obviously, it was on like donkey kong!

We took Kenny's Shorts to Six Flags!  They rode the kiddy rides like crazy bitches.

Me and Kenny's Shorts became superheroes!  Just like we always dreamed about.


A few weeks later, we ran into each other at a family party.  Things got really tense.  But, we're adults.  We took care of things, old west style.  (Meaning we sat around and drank a lot.)  

In the end, I got my glasses back.  I kept Kenny's Shorts though.  He will have to pry these motherfuckers from my cold, dead legs.


Seriously, Kenny...  MY COLD, DEAD LEGS!!!!

Monday, September 10, 2012

I might turn into a sparkly vampire... or die from a spider bite

Last night I had the weirdest dream that I got bit by a vampire.  And not a cool one either.  One of those sparkly assholes.  But just as he bit down, I woke up...  And I don't know if I was in a dreamy haze or this really happened, but I remember reaching over and grabbing at my neck and there being a spider there.  So I threw that fucker down on the ground.  In a panic, I ran to the bathroom mirror and low and behold there was a fucking red mark on my neck!!!!  

Proof that I'm not crazy.  Well, I'm crazy, but not a liar.


Now, I don't know if it was really a vampire and he just got one fang in or if it was a spider who was trying to get into my ear to have babies and got hungry along the way, but I am horrified.  Especially if it was a spider.  You guys know how I feel about spiders in my ears.  What do I do now!?!? 

I mean, is this how this new generation of pussy vampires roll?  Too scared to attack like a bad ass Lost Boy and can only get one fang in?  Am I going to look like a stripper in the sun now?  All covered in glitter?  I'll make a horrible vampire.  I'm not a night person.  Actually, I'm not a morning person either.  I'm best early afternoon, I think.  Also, I am definitely not financially stable enough to rock a vampire lifestyle.  They always seem to have millions saved up somewhere deep in their manor.  All I've got is a bunch of change in my car.  

I don't want to sparkle.  Not like this.


AND WHAT IF IT WAS A SPIDER?!?!?  I read an article last week about a spider that crawled into a lady's ear in China.  There is a picture of it in there and everything.  Seriously...  Click here.  That could be in my ear right now!!!  Because I'm sure that bastard wouldn't have given up with just the neck bite.  He would have come back as soon as I fell asleep.  Spiders are assholes like that.  My.  Ear.  Is.  So.  Fucking.  Itchy.  

This is an actual fucking picture of the spider that was in that chick's ear.  He's just sitting there... PLOTTING!!!!


What if it was some weird spider vampire hybrid that we don't even know about yet?!?  I could wake up tomorrow like that guy from the fly movie.  But worse!  I'll be some hideous creature that will have to eat hobos and salespeople to survive.  *breathes into paper bag* 

I won't go back to living like this...  Not ever.


I know...  I'm ranting a bit.  But we don't know what I'm turning into yet.  Let's all pray that it's something cool, like Spiderman or Spiderbabe.

I'm so not this lucky.

Her power was shooting webs from her vagina.  I would be awesome at that!!!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Perfect Plan for Serial Killers (Patent Pending)

You guys ever watch those fucking Febreze commercials.  You know the ones...  Where they abduct innocent bystanders off the street and put them in a room that a plethora of murders have obviously been committed in.  Then they ask these morons to guess where they are.


I'll give you a hint...  You're about to die.

They always guess things like flower shops and such.  Then, when they are unmasked they giggle and ohhh and ahhhh over the power of Febreeze.  Bullshit.  



Awkward.


First off, I would never ever get into a van because someone asked me if I want to participate in some weird off-location smell survey.  Not unless those motherfuckers had candy.  And not Tootsie rolls.  The good shit:  Blow pops and full sized Snickers bars, bitches.



I would never get in a van for half eaten pizza...  Even I have my standards.


Secondly, if I were going into the business of serial killing, this would be the perfect set up.  Think about it. People willingly get into your van and let you blind fold them?  It's like taking candy from a baby!!!  When they are all "Ohhh.... I smells like a slaughter house in here," you could just rip off the blindfold and say "Damn right it does!!!"  Followed by a stab to their gooey center.



Ninja Val will shank you...  Then drink your beer.  Not necessarily in that order.


Then, just as the screaming begins, you can spray them in the eyes with Febreze...  Cuz that shit stings like a son of a bitch.

Actually, Febreze should be thanking me for not being a serial killer.  I guess I'll just wait for my gift basket from the company...  You're welcome, Febreze.



And also use Febreze to cover up the smell of dead bodies.  (That plug will cost you, Febreze.  You can pay me in Candy.)


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Isn't sanity really just a one-trick pony anyway? All you get is one trick, rational thinking. But when you're good and crazy. Oooooh, the sky is the limit.

VALTEMBER has begun, motherfuckers!!!  And it started off with a bang!  I'm actually still recovering from all the fun I had over the weekend.  Not to mention that I just got back from the dentist.  I'm, like, 93% sure I was just mouth raped....

My work calendar even knows what's up


We'll get more into the celebration that is VALTEMBER as the month continues.  But first I want to share some exciting news with you regarding a fantastic item I procured through my "connections."


This story begins with a phone call from Eddie:

 Ring.... Ring... 

Me:  Agent Nunez

Eddie: ....  Really?

Me:  It makes me feel important...  Go on.

Eddie:  I don't want to get you excited, but our friend who works at the bookstore found some dentures on a bookshelf while cleaning.  Scared the shit out of her.

Me:  WHAT?!?  OMG... When I get old, I'm totally doing that.  But I'm going to leave my teeth in public places, then hide and film the whole thing... Then I'll jump out like they've been Punked.  Wait...  Do you think Ashton Kutcher is behind this?

Eddie:  Anyway...  They are in Lost & Found now.  And when the staff gets sick of playing with them, they're ours!!!

Me:  SCORE!!!


Unfortunately, it was not meant to be.  The very next day our friend sadly informed us that the teeth had been thrown out by some unknown douchnozzle that didn't want me to fulfill my Destiny.  Luckily, Destiny decided that she and I were indeed going to have that date... And she was gonna order the lobster.

Another friend of mine has a dad who, as it turns out, makes teeth for a fucking living.  Yes, you read that correctly.  So, when I told her about my sadness she said she would talk to her dad.  And do you know what happened next?

Best work present EVER!!!






That's right!!!  I came into work one morning and Stephanie had left this on my desk.  COFFEE AND SOME FUCKING PARTIALS IN A PLASTER HOLDER!!!!  Could this get any fucking better?!? 

It could, guys...  It really could.  As it turns out, Stephanie's dad talked to a friend of his who was also about helping me hump Destiny.  And although both her dad and her dad's friend think I'm crazy, this was on my desk soon after...

It's like I'm the God of Teeth


At this point of my story, you may be thinking one of two things:  1.  Wow... Valerie just may be insane.  But, like... for real.  2.  Why the fuck does she want those teeth?  Ok... Calm down, perverts.  I have a legit excuse.  It's because the Chiller Horror Convention is coming up next month.  And do you know who is gonna be there?!?

Naughty Girls also need to sign my fucking dentures


SAMANTHA FUCKING FOX!!  Now, if you're young and un-hip, you have no fucking idea who that is.  But I do.  I loved that bitch when I was little.  It's like the time I met Tiffany.  Do you know where I'm going with this?  I think you do...   I'm gonna be all "Miss Fox, will you sign my teeth?"  

Oh fuck YEA I am!!!  Why?  Because I can!!!  And also, I've always wanted to confuse a British person.  I'm weird like that....  Don't judge me.  Ok, judge me a little...  Then get over it and hug me. 


Seriously, Guys...  The hugs are free.  Bring your wallet tho.  Just in case.