Monday, October 29, 2012

Thanks for the Valcation, Sandy! Now please don't flood my basement. My XBox is down there.

In case you missed the news, apparently there is a storm approaching NJ.  I know...  They haven't really reporting much on it.  Kind of kept it on the D.L.  But, alas, there is a storm headed this way.  

She's coming... And this time, it's personal.

I was off from work on Friday last week, so I missed the hubbub on it.  However, last night I was informed that our office is closed on Monday AND Tuesday.  This never happens.  No, really...  Once there was a state of emergency and we still kinda had to go in.  So the shock rocked me to my core.  Why, you ask?

BECAUSE I HAVE SCHEDULED TIME OFF ON WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY!!!!  Did you hear me?!?  I am now officially on Valcation!!!!   WHOOHOO!!!!  Of course, there's not much I can do with the weather sucking ass and all...  But, I get to stay home in my jammas and watch netflix and play video games.  And that, my friends, is enough for me!

How it will be in my mind...

True Story.

I just hope that the basement doesn't flood.  Because, seriously...  My XBox is down there and that would be bad form, Sandy...  Bad form indeed!!!

Nobody messes with my XBox.  NOBODY!!! 

Seriously.  No storm or ferrets shall ever mess with my XBox.

Stay safe out there, Motherfuckers!!  I'm gonna go watch Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

FACT: Koalas are one of the scariest animals known to man

Did I miss some sort of memo on Koalas?  Because, when did this evil shenanigan happen?!


If memory serves me correctly, koalas have always been synonymous with cuddles and angel hugs.  Then shit got real...


Was there a moment in time when koalas went to the dark side?  

Spoiler alert!!!  Lord Vader is a koala!!!

Because my mind is still filled with images like this...

Dreaming of world domination...  Le sigh...

And who could forget this adorable video!!

It's like they've been fooling us the entire time with by use of the force.  But this shit is about to go bad...  Like..  Gremlins-taking-over-the-city bad.  Here we were thinking we took home Gizmo.  Then we go in for the snuggle and BLAM!!!  It's been Spike the whole time!

How baby koalas are born

Let's just pray that the masses catch on as well...  Before it's too late...

P.S.  Thank you for all the comments on my missing awesome.  Turns out it was at the bottom of a box of red hair dye...


Sunday, October 21, 2012

Excuse me, Sir. Have you seen my awesome? I seemed to have misplaced it.

Sorry motherfuckers...  I seemed to have misplaced my awesomeness.  I've been pretty down lately.  But know that I am working hard to get it back!!  I've put pictures on the back of milk cartons and plan on Richardsoning the fuck out of people with the fliers I've made...

What's that?  You don't know what Richardsoning is?!?  Well, let me share this little tidbit of joy with you...

Beware of Monday tomorrow...  We'll all get through this together.



P.S.  if you do run into my awesomeness please tell her that I miss her...  And to come home.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Like I really needed a God complex on top of all my other problems...

I assume you all know what the game The Sims is...  You know.  That game where you control little people in a town who aren't able to do shit unless you instruct them to.  Yea...  It's like that. 

Ancient spirits of evil - transform this decayed form to MUMM-RA, THE EVER-LIVING! (Ok...  I may be taking this a bit too far.)

So, I won an iPad over the weekend at a charity tricky tray wine tasting fund raiser for a local animal shelter.  I like to support the community because I'm a good person...  And they had free wine.  You read that correctly.  Free.  Fucking.  Wine. 

I learned, perhaps through experience, that it is frowned upon to drink all the wine... then ask for more.

If you are not familiar with how tricky trays work, let me break it down for you in a rap song (which you will have to imagine since you can't hear or see me):

You walk around table to table,
putting tickets in for the prizes you want so that you might be able....
To win that prize later in the night.
They called my ticket twice.
There was almost a fight.
Because I won the coveted iPad along with a private tour of the Bronx zoo for six.
I suck at rhyming.  I know this.  I also promise to never rap again.  I don't have the coolness for it.

That's right, motherfuckers!  I.  Fucking.  Won!

MMMMMM... Free Ipad tastes like VICTORY! And chicken...
Which brings me to my point.  There is a Sims app on this thing that I downloaded and I may be going a little overboard with it.  It started off innocent enough.  I would tell them to eat or make friends with each other.  Next thing you know I started letting my mood dictate how they were feeling too.  When I'm happy, they're happy.  But when I'm sad, I don't let them go to the bathroom til they pee themselves in front of their friends.  So now they are sad too.  And wet.  And horrified.  It turns out that I'm kind of an asshole God...  Which isn't really that shocking. 

That's right...  Clean up that pee... 

The God Valerie mocks you in your breakfast.  FYI:  This sold on ebay for $5.  MOVE OVER JESUS GRILLED CHEESE!!!

I remember ruling over my Barbies as a child much in the same fashion.  When I was upset, the "evil Barbie" that I had (which, by the way, was a weird looking Barbie that my aunt found at a garage sale.  She had male patterned baldness and a bad attitude.) would go around and steal all the other Barbies' nice stuff.  Then set them on fire...  But not for real.  Because my little brother had gotten in trouble for that once.  So I would throw red paper pieces on them instead.  I was a creative child.

She was so evil...  So very very evil...  The other Barbies feared and respected her.

Anyway, for safety measures, I would take all of my Barbies' arms and legs off when I when to bed and keep them in a shoebox in my closet.  Because ain't no army of angry dolls gonna get me whilst I sleep!  True story.

I probably should see a professional...

This incoherent rambling brought to you by The Sims...  Now you really can play God.  Get yours today!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The red moon is out and I'm not wearing any pants...

This isn't a real post... I stayed home sick from work today and got sucked into an Alias marathon thanks to a friend's suggestion and Netflix.  So that's pretty much been my day. 

Fuck yea!

I did come to a realization though.  I want to be a spy.  It's a new goal in my life.  I mean...  The fantastic traveling, the cool clothing, the wigs.  For the love of all that's holy, man!  The wigs!!  Not to mention all the awesome Batman like toys!!

So, CIA, if you are reading this blog, know this:  "The eagle flies at night and the nest is ready for the taking."  For those of you that don't speak CIA talk, I'm pretty sure that's code for "I want to enroll and wear fancy dresses and wigs."

Seriously...  Call me CIA.  Oh, and you're welcome. 

I've already started my training, guys!

I'll be back with a for reals blog post this week.



Thursday, October 11, 2012

Rudimentary Trophy for Outstanding Excellence

It finally happened... I won some major awards like a motherfucking BOSS.  So here I am, ready for my close up and ready to give a speech.  (Thank the Gods this can be done online.  Because if I had to speak in public, I would cry... and shake like a chihuahua.  True story.)

I want to thank my mom for always believing in me... And Jesus for not smiting me with a growth on my back that turned out to be my twin that I ate in the womb... Because I'm pretty sure that's how the Zombie Apocalypse starts.

First off, I want to apologize for taking so long to write this post.  I should have done this shit months ago but I was actually a bit intimidated.  Then, before I knew it, I got a couple more awards.  So now this shit is overdue and long.  I started it a few times but always ended up freaking out a bit.  Silly, I know.  But for some reason I envisioned sucking and then the awards being revoked...  Then people breaking into my house and stealing the trophy I made out of rudimentary objects to carry around my house, reminding Eddie that I AM A MOTHERFUCKING WINNER.  And we couldn't have that.  Mostly because Eddie would never let me hear the end of it.  He's petty like that...

My Rudimentary Trophy for Outstanding Excellence (Eddie is SO jealous!!)

I want to start this shit off by thanking Misty, Heather, Carrie and Greg for the awesome nods my way.  Their blogs are fantastic and I visit as often as possible for smiles.  What can I say?  I love smiling...  It's my favorite.  I'm a smile junky.  But a normal one.  It's not like I'll be out there on a street corner sucking cock for smiles or anything.  Not since I've started my meds. 

But I digress....

The first award is from Misty's Laws.

I won't lie to you...  This one is my fav!

Misty's blog is not only fantastic, but she has the cutest feet I've ever seen.  And I get grossed out by feet easily.  Especially if the nails are funky.  Don't even get me started on toenails.  But seriously... check her site out.  I hear laughing is good for your health.  So... You're welcome.  Also, she sent me a badass Sasquatch birthday card.  Seriously.  She's THAT awesome.

So, there are rules to this awards.  And it goes something like this...

1.   Link back to the person who tagged you. Say what you will. It doesn’t have to be nice. Just know that I will find you. (Done!)

2.   Run like hell and hope that that crazy bitch who is following you doesn’t saute your tongue in a butter and garlic sauce.

Wait wait. That isn’t right. That should read, “that crazy bitch that ‘joined’ you in Google Friend Connect.”

Or circled you… or whatever the hell these crazy kids do these days.

Aw, fuck it.


3.   Nominate some OTHER bloggers and ensure that they will never sleep again.

4.   Build a trophy out of rudimentary objects.  (I may have made this one up.  Ok.  I did.  But, trust me, it's FUN.)

The next award is also from Misty's Laws, because she loves me SO hard!!  In a dramatic turn of events, I was also awarded this one from another awesome blogger, Heather at Stretching my Wings

Heather's blog is witty and creative.  She often posts some truly amazing pictures from various adventures and things she's done in life.  From fun places she's gone to crafts she's rocked out.  This girl can pretty much do anything.  I'm pretty sure she can fly too, like her blog title suggests.  But she will neither confirm nor deny that statement.  Probably because the government will come and take her away for tests and shit.

Once again, there are rules one must follow:

Thank and link back to the awarding blog.
Answer seven questions. 
Provide 10 random factoids about yourself.
Hand the award on to 7 deserving others.

The Seven Questions:
1. What is your favorite song?
This is easy...  My Freeze Ray from the Dr. Horrible Sing Along Blog.  I love me some Neil Patrick Harris, guys.  If you haven't seen this movie, FOR SHAME!!!  Go watch it NOW.  Fun fact:  I was lip syncing this song to my computer at work the other day, and totally got caught by a random passerby.  There were looks exchanged...  Along with a good natured wink of the eye.

2.  What's your favorite desert?
Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs.  You can only get these during Easter.  If I could make sweet love to them before I tear them to bits in my mouth like a chocolatey praying mantis of JUSTICE, I would.  But I don't...  Because I'm a lady.

3. What do you do when you are upset?
I cry.  I yell.  I plan outlandish revenge schemes in my basement using maps, string and pictures of the offenders.  Sometimes I use voodoo dolls.  It really depends, I guess.  Oh, also, I knit scarves.

4. Which is your favorite pet?
I can't answer this.  It would be like picking my favorite child.  They are all awesome.  (Punky Brewster..  shhhhhh... Don't tell the others I said that.)

5. Which do you prefer, White or Whole Wheat?
Let me answer this question with a question:  What would I be doing with the bread?  Because if you're talking about eating a samwich on, whole wheat.  But if you're talking about breaking into pieces and rolling into little delicious bread balls before eating, white.

6. What is your biggest fear?
Clowns.  Ghosts.  Public Speaking.  Though, I would fight an army of clown ghosts before I would ever speak in public.  Ever.  

7. What is your attitude mostly?
Silly and crazy, I guess.  Pretty much the same as what you see here.  Except for Mondays.  I'm a god awful bitch on Mondays.

10 Random Facts:

1.  Ive never tried a pb and jelly samwich before. And I never will. The thought of that combo makes me dry heave.
2.  I never stopped believing in Santa. And I still get excited to see him.. Even though I know that the mall Santas aren't the “real thing”.
3.  I wish my life were a musical where people burst into song at any given moment so badly, that sometimes I visualize musical moments happening throughout the day. And then I get upset when they don’t. 
4.  Other people touching my Eyebrows freaks me to my very core.. 
5.   I am waiting for something epic to happen.. like the CIA to contact me about helping with some top secret investigation… or for someone from the future to come and find me to help save the world..
6.  I was once attacked by a pygmy hippo... 
7.  I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people that go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard, like half an equation, and I'll just figure it out.
8.  I love learning new things and doing things that are out of the ordinary.. I believe that Adventure is food for my soul, and that I would shrivel up and die without it. 
9.  I totally understand the part in Step Brothers when the Chewy mask gets taken off to do taxes on a deep level.. and it breaks my heart.
10.    I could drink mustard..    

The next award is also from Heather at Stretching My Wings and from Carrie at The Travelin-gineer.  

Carrie's blog is clever and funny.  Not only do I enjoy reading it, but it makes me want to travel more whilst partaking in various travel related shenanigans.  Also, there are cartoons.  I am a sucker for some stick figures.  It's all I can really draw.  Don't make me bring up Drawsomething...  I just finally controlled that habit.  

More rules!!

1. Each person must post 11 things about themselves.
2. Answer the 11 questions the person giving you the award has set for you.
3. Create 11 questions for the people you will be giving the award to.
4. Choose 11 people to award and send them a link to your post. Go to their page and tell them.
5. No tag backs.
11 Facts About Valerie I'm Sure You're Just Dying to Know
1.  If you are moody, I can tell by your aura. I don’t even have to talk to you or look at you. I just know. And I will give you a hug, whether you want one or not. And most likely hold you for an uncomfortably long amount of time mumbling “Feel the love. Accept it.. Let the anger go”.
2.  I LOVE HUGGING PEOPLE!!! And if you hate being hugged, I will hug you more. I once followed a girl around at a party who hated hugs for 3 hours straight. Sure, I was drunk at the time, but I would of done the same sober. Ive also tackled people in parking lots as they tried to run.  And, I love making other people hug.  My favorite hug ever was making a group of rather large bouncers hug each other in a parking lot. 
3.  I sing in my car… Loudly… Very Loudly… In fact, I also have choreographed dance routines that I can do while sitting behind the wheel. And if Bohemian Rhapsody comes on, I still do the scene from Waynes World.
4.  I sometimes draw faces on the bottom of my toes and play a little game I like to call "Toe Town". My big toe is the mayor.. But my second toe has vowed his destruction. There is a constant battle for leadership that is happening in my shoes at any given moment.
5.  In Junior High School, I started a purple underwear phenomenon. They were on the ceiling… We all saw them there…
6.  People falling down make me laugh and point... In fact, lots of things make me laugh and point... I cant help that. And if you are my friend, you understand and accept it.
7.  Ive always dreamt of having my toe removed and sewed on to my hand... so I can procure the ultimate finger: TOE FINGER... You are in awe, i know... Its ok to admit.   
8.  I automatically like songs that have my name in them. I don’t care if they are shitty. They were obviously written about me.. and I appreciate that.
9.  I plan on being a ghost when I die. Not a vicious ghost.. just one that rearranges the furniture.. or.. makes the walls bleed.. For shits and gigs..
10.  I cant spell to save my life.
11.  I am a ninja…  

Questions Asked to Me
1. Do you have any phobias?  
Clowns!!!!  There was a traumatic event involving a circus clown that tried to eat my grandpa's head when I was younger.  I never quite recovered.

2. What's your favorite season?  
VALTEMBER!!!  Duh... 

3. What's the inspiration behind your blog title?  
I have a sick obsession with the platypus.  I just love those little fuckers.  They are like the animal equivalent to me.  I mean, they lure you in with their cuteness.  Then you're all, "Holy shit!!  Is that a beaver or a duck?!?  WAIT!!  Did it just lay an egg?!"  And when you go in for the pet, Platypus is all like BLAM!!!  POISONOUS TOENAIL!!!  See?  Classic Val.

4. Where is your favorite place to shop?  
I just really like to shop.  It doesn't matter where.  I.  Just.  Like.  To.  Shop.

5. What's your favorite food?  
French fries!!!!  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!  And Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs (only available during Easter).

6. Do you have a favorite room or spot in the house?  
My Keanu Reeves prayer closet.   Whoa. 

7. Do you have a favorite quote?  
Do.  Or do not...  There is no try.

8. What made you start blogging?  
I'm a huge Bloggess fan.  She made me feel like it was ok to be insane...  And that other people may want to read about it.

9. Do you have a facebook page for your blog?  
I have my own personal FB page.  But that's about it.  I think my dog may have a FB page too... But I'm not sure. 

10. Do you any bad habits?  
Humping people and inanimate objects.  Also eating the souls of the young to live forever.  And let's not forget virgin sacrifices.  Eddie says that he won't move again.  So, I have to behave.

11. What is your dream job or career?  
Self employed wielding dildos shaped as light sabers...  Is that a career?!? 

You shall all be a slave to these questions, as I once was.

The last award comes from Greg at CrakGenius.  

Greg's blog is just plain awesome!  If you haven't read this blog yet, you really need to.  It's hilarious!  No, really.  There was one post about scorpion nakedness that actually made me pee my pants a tiny bit.  Plus he has an ice cream cart.  Mother.  Fucking.  Hero.

More rules!!!
  • Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
  •  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award — you might include a link to [the VBA site].
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

And now, I present to you... 7 more things about ME!!!
1.  I invented Post-its.
2.  It's been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his Brief History of Time from my fourth grade paper.
3.  I used to be legit. I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.
4.  I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
5.  I love lamp.
6.  I AM the Shogun of Harlem!
7.  I would follow you into the mists of Avalon.

Ok...  Those may have been movie quotes.  I ran out of interesting things to say about me so I thought I'd spice it up.  Hypothetical gold star to the person who can name the movies!!!

And now for the nominations!  (Which I am doing in a group because I am so fucking lazy.)

For all 4 of the above awards (know you guys are LOVING me), I nominate:
1.  Pickelope
2.  Delightfully Ludicrous 
3.  JarrodOnline
4.  Doesn't Speak Klingon
5.  I'm just a girl & I've had it up to here
6.  "Jen" e sais quoi
7.  Atypically Relevant

For the last 2 awards, I nominate:
8.  Confessions of a Corn Fed Girl
9.  Darwinfish 2
10.  Just Shy of Perfection
11.  Misty's Laws

And for the last award, I nominate:
12.  Painful Spaghetti
13.  Southern Fried New Jersey
14.  The Wordslinger
15.  Let me spell that 

Bonus Nominations for the first award listed:
16.  CrakGenius
17.  Stretching my Wings
18.  The Travelin-gineer

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Dear Monday, You're ugly and you're mama dresses you funny. Love, Me

As you may or may not know, tomorrow is Monday again.  If you didn't know or didn't really want to think about it, I'm sorry for bringing it up.  But it's inevitable, and we're in this together.  

Well, this won't be Monday...  But let's hold hopes high for Tuesday.

The only surefire way to get that feeling of horror and dread that has settled into the pit of your stomach is with some laughs.  So I have found you a funny video to watch...  Because I'm a good friend.  

Watch and enjoy!  And remember...  Monday is only 32 hours long.  And once it's over, we are solid for 6 whole days.

Good luck out there, people!  Keep your chin up.



Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Mysterious Case of the Unicorn Vagina

I know...  Right off the bat you're like "This is gonna be awesome!"  Well, if you were expecting a thoroughly researched case on the rise and fall of unicorn feminism, you are about to be disappointed.  However, if you were thinking more along the lines of cartoon unicorn who-ha, then you may be pleased...  But not in a skeezy way.  Because I'm not a pervert.

Voldemort was the original Brony.

The other night, Eddie introduced me to the word "brony".  For those of you who are not down with "My Little Pony:  Friendship is Magic", it's pretty much the revamp of My Little Ponies from back in the day.  The term brony, as defined by Urban Dictionary, "typically refers to 13-30 year old male fans of the 2010 reboot of the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, but may also include females (see fillies)."


Well...  Any cartoon show with an adult male following with their own clever nickname must be worth watching, right?  So, I was in.  I put the show on and was prepared to be mystified.  A few minutes into the first episode I suddenly screamed at Eddie to stop and rewind it.  I... I had to be sure that I wasn't imagining things again.  Because, apparently that happens sometimes.

Me:  PAUSE IT!!!!  There!  Don't you see it?!

Eddie:  See WHAT??

Me:  That unicorn!!  She has a vagina!

Eddie:  ...

Me:  *Hysterical Laughter ensues for about 10 minutes*

Eddie:  What is wrong with you?

Me:  What do you mean?  That is OBVIOUSLY a unicorn vagina.  This show is awesome.

Eddie:  You are going crazy and seeing pony vagina everywhere.

Me:  Not pony vagina, Eddie...  Unicorn Vagina.  It's magical.  I now understand why there are bronies.  Men will do anything for the pussy.  

Eddie still claims that he did not see the Unicorn Vagina.  Even after me pausing the show and having a unicorn vagina photo shoot.  If I had a fancy laser pointer, I would have used it to try to help him.  But I honestly doubt it really would have helped.  I can only relate his non-believing nature to the end of the Polar Express.  Us believers will hear the bell, while others won't.  

I'll let you be the judge.  But honestly...  HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE IT?!? 

Three Episodes Later:

Eddie:  Are you still watching this?!?

Me:  They loured me in with the Unicorn Vagina, but I stayed for the story of friendship and love...   Plus they sing sometimes.  And you know I'm a sucker for a good musical number.

Oh.  Fuck.  Yea.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Winning rhymes with WINNING!!!

Hey Motherfuckers!  Let me start off by saying that I'm sorry this post is late.  I meant to do it on Sunday, but then I went out for the grand finale of VIVA LA VALTEMBER... And... Well,  I got into the Tequila again.  Let me break that night down in 3 words:  Flavored.  Fucking.  Tequila.  


As you could imagine, I was in no state to post on Sunday.  In fact, I only left my couch to pick up the kids from my mom's house.  Otherwise, I stayed put watching Hoarders and Breaking Amish marathons like a motherfucking BOSS.  

So, before I announce the winner of the most spectacular Mannequin Hand, let's have a flashback montage of all the awesomeness that VIVA LA VALTEMBER has brought us, shall we?  Here is a LINK to a song to listen to in the background because every flashback montage needs a kick ass soundtrack.

Just because the tailgating at a concert doesn't start until 5, doesn't mean that you can't park in Lot 8 and have a party of your own, bitches.  Me and Stephanie proved this first hand.  We also got ate out by mosquitoes...  And not in the sexy way.

Told you.

The only picture from the gay club.  It was that epic.

And then I found this...  It's like the beer companies know me.

Spontaneous Cupcake Store Roadtrip!!!!

Cobbler Bake Off!!!

Rock Climbing like Spiderman...  Sort of...

Renaissance Faire Sweatiness

Perhaps the most epic hiking trip known to man.  Never.  Follow.  The.  Blue.  Trail.

Mountain Top Shenanigans

Tequila + My Friend Josie's Bobbafett Jacket = Much Happiness

The Grande Finale

*tear* ....  sniff....  It was a great month, wasn't it?  So sad it's over...

And now, without further ado, let's get on with our giveaway!!!  I put all the names in a hat and was gonna let my kids pick the winner.  So, if you didn't win, you could only blame the 6 & 10 year olds and not me!  It was the perfect plan.  But they went to bed since it's a school night.  I made Eddie pick the winner.  Feel free to blame him!

And the WINNER is....

Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous!!!!!

YAY Kellie!!!  You fucking won like a motherfucking champ!!  How does it feel to be the envy of so many?  I hope that you are doing the Dance of Joy!!  Email me your address to and I will send this little fucker over!  

If you didn't win the Mannequin Hand, don't worry!!  I have another awesome contest planned soon.  So keep an eye out!!