Sunday, December 30, 2012

Sad Keanu makes me feel better about the state of my immune system... AKA... I'm high on cold medicine

I caught a cold, motherfuckers...  From Santa.  Probably because of my post about how I'm not giving him credit for the awesome gifts anymore.  But that's okay.  At least we can all focus on Sad Keanu instead to help keep our minds off the fact that I may be carrying the virus that starts the zombie apocalypse...  But no need to worry, loves!  I'm patient zero, which means I'll actually just infect everyone else, but not become a zombie myself due to the awesome antibodies that I'm mixing up in my person...  Instead I'll just walk away from this with some rad superpowers and a need for vengeance.

And now, for your enjoyment, some Sad Keanu...

Santa brought Sad Keanu a puppy for Christmas...  But apparently, Keanu is allergic.

I tried to cheer him up with some pygmy hippo humor...  But he is all too familiar with the dangerousness of the evil pygmy hippo.

Who wouldn't crack a smile at platypi pictures?!?  This is how I cheer myself up.  But Sad Keanu can't swim and felt mocked by such a superior being.

"Oh...  I'll give you something to be sad about, Mr. Reeves." Valerie said in an exasperated manner as she released her zombie minion upon him.  "You'll be the death of me REEEEEVES!!!!  THE DEATH OF ME!!!"

I received this Sad Keanu picture from Joanna at Travels with Tessie Toodles.  I literally spit my drink out onto my iPad.  Thank you Joanna for the laugh!!


If you would like to make me spit fluids out as well, send me a Sad Keanu picture to  I heart them so!!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Meet Stanley Bicher... possibly the best Christmas present known to Man

Conversation between me and Eddie at 4:20 am this morning after wrapping presents and stalking Santa's location until 3am.

Me:  Eddie...  Eddie... Wake up.
Eddie:  what!?!
Me:  can we open presents now?
Eddie:  It's not even 5am!  Go back to sleep!
Me:  ....  What would be a respectable time to open them, would you say?
Eddie:  zzzzzzzzzzz

And that's what I had to deal with on Christmas morning, people.  I tried to get Eddie up again at 5:40.  Then again at 6:00.  At 6:15 I just started staring at him trying to wake him using the sheer force of my will.  But it didn't work. Apparently my will is on the fritz.

Finally at 6:45, I snuck into the girls room.  They too were sleeping... So I did what any present-crazed individual would do...  I gently poked at them and bounced on their bed until they started to stir.  Then I ran out of there like a cat on fire.

When I returned 10 minutes later, they were wide awake.  So, I sent them in to wake up Eddie.  Because my mama didn't raise no fool.

And then the present extravaganza began!!! Alyssa got a hedgehog that she named Kiki. Jasmyn got her very own nook.

Meet Kiki the Grumpy Hedgehog!
Those kids tore into presents all morning! They must have been very good because there were lots of presents...

And then it was me and Eddie's turn to exchange. Eddie did pretty well. Probably because he's had to deal with my crazy ass all year.
It's a Nunez Christmas!!

And then it was my turn...  And quite the turn it was...  A trapeze class gift certificate, a zombie pillow pet, a tardis ring, a new mannequin arm... And then I opened the most spectacular gift a girl could ever dream to get... 

Meet Stanley Bicher!!!

So you could only imagine what the rest of my night was like...

Stanley's first car ride.  He threw up a little...
Photobombing Mr. Bicher.

We are still working on house breaking him...

And his bad manners.

And he's got a little bit of Mississippi Leg Hound in him.


He loves Zero though...

Eddie was very excited as you can see.


Hope you all had a Happy Christmas too!!!

Monday, December 24, 2012

I am a Christmas Moron...

It's been a busy couple of days... I'm so sorry for not posting. I swear I'll be back tomorrow with a brand spanking new post! I also swear to the Mayan Gods that so graciously spared our lives last week that I will neve EVER leave all of my shopping til the weekend before Christmas.  Because that's just whack, guys.  Christmas shopping bitches be crazy.... 

Hope you all were smarter than me...



Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Dear Santa, I love you so hard. But I'm nobody's bitch.

I love Santa, guys.  I know most people do, but fucking love him.  Now, don't take that the wrong way...  I don't want to do the horizontal mambo with him or anything.  Just, when I see him, like at the mall or on a street corner, I start screaming his name and go in for a hug running at full speed.  It's a special kind of love that I only have for a few people (i.e. Keanu Reeves and people giving out free candy).

Fact:  I. Love. Him. So. Fucking. Hard.

Santa is the most bad ass motherfucker of them all...  More bad ass than Samuel L. Jackson and Liam Neeson's love child.  Why?  Well, he not only sneaks in and out of houses unnoticed, making him a ninja level expert, but he also has an army of midgets... Uhhhh...  I mean "elves".  Guys, Santa is my straight up hero.

How can you get cooler than this little guy?  Santa knows...

But there is one thing that pisses me the fuck off about him.  He takes total credit for all the presents my kids get.  Seriously.  Santa is the baddest mofo of them all...But...

But... I buy those fucking presents.

I buy them... and I wrap them.

I buy them, wrap them... and write his fucking name on them.

So not only is he an army wielding ninja, but he also has some kind of mind control powers.  But cause we do all the work and he gets all the credit.

Santa:  Delivering presents ninja style since the dawn of time...  Or something like that.

Santa is magical and I want my kids to believe in him as long as humanly possible.  Seriously guys.  I still believe in him.  I remember being about 9 and starting to question him.  Then I woke up one Christmas Eve to find him going though our drawers.  I don't know what he was looking for, or if he actually stole some shit, but that renewed my faith and I've been a believer ever since.

Maybe Keanu... Maybe?

That being said, I am a bit sick of looking like some cheap douchebag on Christmas Day.  Here are my kids opening their gifts from Santa...  From the grandparents...  From their aunts and uncles... Meanwhile I'm over here shrugging like a hobo with no money to buy anything for them... BECAUSE I ALREADY SPENT ALL MY MONEY MAKING THAT TWAT LOOK LIKE A FUCKING HERO!!!

Sorry kids.  It's all from Santa this year.  Mommy spent all her money on 8 balls and hookers.

This realization came to me about 2 Christmases ago.  So, now what we do is make the big present from us.  You know... That one epic present that the kids get every year.  The one that you can't wait for them to open.  Well, we give them that present.  Then all those other filler presents and tinker toys are from Santa.

Because I'm nobody's bitch...  Not even Santa's.

Don't make me hurt you.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

I Can't Even Fathom the Thought of Having to Work Tomorrow

It's been a crazy busy weekend.  Why do I always leave Christmas shopping til the last minute?

We also put up our tree.  We may have Griswolded it a bit, but in the end it looks fantastic.

The girls used the classic "Muppet Man" technique to decorate the tree. 

Why YES!!  That IS a Zombie Santa Head on top of the Christmas tree.

And here is a sneak peek at our Xmas card...  If you would like me to mail you a fun and horrifying Xmas greeting, email me your address at 

Shit got really fucked up in our card.  And I had a panic attack...  And may have really cried a little...  In fetal position.

Here's last year's card.

This year is way more fucked up.

Ok, motherfuckers...  Now, lets get out there and fuck this week in the ass.  But with lube...  Because if it's one thing we are, it's classy...



P.S.  You know this week is gonna ROCK because of this fucking SPECTACULARRRRR (Please roll that R) Sad Keanu pic from Mandy at Wino on a Ramble

I laughed so hard on this I may have peed a little....  I can neither confirm nor deny that statement.

Do you have a fantastic Sad Keanu Pic???  Please send it to me!  It makes me SO HAPPY!!!!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Remember That Time I Became a Hobbit?

The Hobbit comes out this week.  I don't think you guys realize how happy this makes me.  I love hobbits.  But, like... LOVE HOBBITS!  They're just like midgets, but magical.  And they're just so tiny and brave!!!

Every time this line is uttered in the first movie, I ball like a small child.  Every.  Fucking.  Time.  They're just so TINY AND BRAVE!!!

So when my friend, Stephanie, told me that she found a bar with ginormous beer glasses, I was super siked!  I mean...  This would be as close as I could become to being a hobbit.  It is a dream of mine...  I immediately stopped shaving my toes in preparation.

Me & Stephanie in the mists of shenanigans

The journey to the bar was quite the treacherous trip.  An hour drive to South Jersey during Christmas traffic?!  I'm pretty sure that it was just as bad as the walk to Mordor...  Probably.  If, you know...  The Fellowship had a car... And an iPod with some kickin tunes...  They should have totally invited me.  I would have rocked at that road trip!!

I'm actually right on the end dancing my way though Mordor...  They cut me out of the picture for some reason.  Probably because they were jealous of my awesome moves.  Jerks.

I fell in love with the place upon arrival.  I mean...  The had a fucking Harley hanging from the ceiling!

And that's when I saw it...

The.  Fucking.  Tanker.

It was everything I dreamed it would be...  And so much more...

Yea it's that thick... and long...

32.  Mother.  Fucking.  Ounces.  Of.  Deliciousness.

Me + Ginormous Beer Glass = Hobbit Valerie!!!!


Well worth the trip!  And much like Frodo, I too was transported to the promised land.

I'll see you in the Grey Havens, Frodo...  Order me a Tanker.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Cheer the Fuck Up, Keanu!

For those of you that read this blog regularly, you are already aware of the Sad Keanu that lives on my work desk.

Why so serious, Keanu?

Well, sometimes his dismal mood gets on my nerves, so I try like all fuck to cheer him up. But in the process of cheering him up, I usually end up making my own mood all sunshine and unicorn farts.  If a psychiatrist were to analyze this statement, they would probably say something about Keanu being my alter ego with whom I am able to communicate with. But I cannot confirm that this would be true...  Mostly because if I ever visit one, I would probably be locked up immediately.  So, I'll just assume that would be one of the many smarty-pants catch phrases they'd use, and keep the awesome taste of freedom in my mouth.

I'm also going to write Keanu a letter explaining he should come hang out with me since we are obviously best friends already.  My mind does not lie. 

Anyway, I decided to start a weekly (or until I get bored and burn the little fucker whilst laughing maniacally) post in which I shall share my various attempts to cheer him up with you.

So...  Enjoy...

I tried to make him read my blog, but Keanu didn't give a flying fuck.  Jerk.

I even made him a wee little Santa hat to spread the holiday cheer...  But that worrisome frown wouldn't budge!

Oh well... There's always tomorrow.  Fuckin' Keanu!



P.S.  If you would like to have a Keanu of your very own, it is as easy as a hooker on a cold winter's night!  Just google "Sad Keanu" and find an image that is the ideal size for your use, cut it out, then tape that motherfucker right to your monitor.  WHAMO!  You now have your own sad little man whom shall be the Eeyore to your Pooh.  

P.S.S.  If you decide to go forth with this idea, please email me a picture of how you tried to cheer yours up to!!  I would love to post it!  :o)

Monday, December 10, 2012

I will stab you, sir... And steal that platypus.

This isn't a real post...  But I just came upon this picture.

Apparently, I was a dick in a former life...  And this man was and is a God.

I have never wanted to stab someone in the face so hard.  I just don't understand how this isn't my life.  I'm over hear about to exercise to Sean "The Devil" T and probably vomit in my mouth whilst doing some horrifying cardio routine that is probably illegal in 49 states...  Meanwhile this motherfucker is snuggled up with a platypus.

LOOK AT THAT ADORABLE LITTLE FUCKER'S FACE!!!!  He's got a god damned grin.  The platypus, not the man.  I hope his face got eaten off seconds after this shot was taken.  And they had to rebuild it...  But they couldn't get the right kind of skin, so his whole new face ends up looking like a gianormous nipple.  Yes, I AM that bitter...

This is bullshit.  I'll find you, sir...  I'll find you and claim my birthright.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Monday night.



Sunday, December 9, 2012

Monday is a Jerk Who Wants to Steal my Lunch Money

Tomorrow is that horrible day of the week that wants to prison fuck me...  And you too.  So, instead of dwelling on the inevitable ass fucking that shall come at some point tomorrow, let's concentrate on something happy...

I love a good photobomb, but this dog is my new hero.


If your day gets too bad tomorrow, just imagine this dog standing behind you whist you're talking to your boss.

Once again, we are all gonna get through this...  Maybe.



Thursday, December 6, 2012

Someday, someone will have take a stand. Someday, someone will have to say enough! This could be that day.

Yesterday was a crazy busy day.  Work was nuts.  Home was busy.  Next thing I knew, I fucking missed Wednesday...  Thus missing out on my day to hump things.  If you haven't already guessed this about me, let me set the record straight:  I, my friends, am a Wednesday humper.  

Hump Day should have no limits!!!

Come on now... Don't act like you all aren't either.  I mean, it's the middle of the fucking week!! What better way to celebrate than humping an inanimate object...  Or a coworker... (Just be sure that the coworker is a friend...  Because apparently that shit could be taken as "sexual harassment" or... Whatever.)

Anyway...  When I woke up this morning and realized what had happened, I was ever so disappointed to say the least!  And that's when it hit me... 

Sometimes you hump nature, and sometimes she humps you.

I am a motherfucking adult!!  I should be able to hump whenever I damn we'll please!!  Nobody is gonna tell me when and where I can let someone or something know that I am the dominant of the two of us.  If I can have ice cream for dinner, then I can sure as hell hump a plant today...  Or any fucking time I want!!  

I don't know these people, but I love them...  With all of my heart.

So I call out to you all, my blogging friends, to ask you to join me... To stand with me here in defiance of tyranny! You have come to fight for your right to hump...  To defy the overlord known as Hump Day... Yes! Fight and you may die.  But run and you will live... at least awhile.  However, dying in your bed many years from now, I can guarantee that you would be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance...  Just one chance...  To come back here and tell our enemy that they may take our lives...  But they will never take our freedom to hump!!!

Now go out there and take back what is already ours!!!  GO OUT THERE AND HUMP SOMETHING!!!!

P.S.........   Because HOW could I forget about this?!?  It is our anthem!!!! (Thanks Sean Parker and MistyLaws!!)

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

How Neil Patrick Harris Wins Every Fucking Time

Conversation with my dad whilst watching Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog with my parents.

Dad: "I hate Neil Patrick Harris."

Me: "Your argument is invalid. Its Neil Patrick Harris."

Dad: *laughs at something NPH does*

Me: "You see what Neil Patrick Harris did there? Neil Patrick Harris all over your face!!!"

Dad: "No... Its wasn't... Him.. it.. was..."

Me: "You're welcome."

Dad: *Leaves room*

Me (to Mom):  I win!

And just when I thought today was stupid, I come across this lil gem...  

Well Played, NPH...  Well played indeed!!!  <3

Sunday, December 2, 2012

This is how I get through the workday without killing anyone...

Monday is a few short motherfucking hours, guys.  I seriously considered throwing myself down a flight of stairs so that I wouldn't have to go into work tomorrow.  But, alas, I am out of days off for the year.  So I gotta go in.

I mean, don't get me wrong...  It's not a horrible job.  I like it.  But that doesn't make me want to go in there on Monday morning.  Fuck no.  I'd rather take a bullet.  But Eddie hid the gun on me...  It's like he wants me to suffer.

Anyway, in honor of the horrid day that is fast approaching, I wanted to share with you how I manage to get through the day without freaking out like that kid in Real Genius.

I want to introduce you all to my work desk...

The Gambits love to tag team dance fight Perry...  Even if Perry continuously asks them to knock it the fuck off. 

But they will get their dance on no matter what.  They are all about Night at the Roxbury.

More Perry...

Can you tell I have a slight obsession with platypi?!  Also, this one farts when you press his tummy!!!  Best office toy EVER!

There is Zombie Captain America, Anthony Micheal Hall Mannequin Hand, and the Bloggess chicken.

It has been written that one ninja shall rise from the ashes of what was once the most magnificent paperclip chain...   He shall be known as the Chosen One and shall have The Glow.

SNUGGLE CORNER!!!!!  <3 <3 <3

The Epic Battle for my desk rages on.  The green zombies are being held at bay by our pink heroes.  I thank the Gods everyday for these motherfuckers.  Keep strong, guys... Keep strong.

This is the BEST fucking stress ball ever...  It's not only hilarious, but has saved many-a people's lives.  I won this from Misty's Blog!

Just... le sigh...

Every.  Fucking.  Day.

This is Tick, Hamster Style, Random Ninjas and Disco Zombie.  They like to break shit down on a daily basis.

Human Centipede 3 - The Chapstick Sequence.

This is the golden snitch I caught in my very first quidditch game.  Dumbledore left it to me in his will. 

And now for one of my favorite things ever.  It keeps me occupied for hours on end.  

Sad Keanu doesn't like doing work... 

Seriously...  I can only read the news with Sad Keanu.  He's so disappointed in the current state of the world's affairs. 

Sad Keanu will make me laugh no matter how bad my day is.  Seriously...  You all need to put on on your computer screen.  It will make your day better...  Guaranteed!!  

So, that's about it.  Now, let's go out there tomorrow and make a fucking difference!!!  Or... Call the fuck out.  You know, whatever you're up to.