|Apparently I'm "batshit crazy"... I beg to differ.|
So instead I will tell you of the time I was attacked by a Pygmy hippo. It was the summer of '95 and I was working at a local zoo. I was helping out one of the zookeepers clean the pens. All in all it was a glorious day... The sun was shining. I got to milk the goat and feed some baby animals, including a tiger. It was just a good god damn day.
|Not a Dramatization. That's really me with a motherfucking tiger. THAT'S HOW BADASS I AM.|
Unfortunately, fate was about to try to eat me.
|Never trust a hippo... Or a politician.|
As much as society frowns upon true love between animal and man, there have been known to be exceptions. Beauty and the beast... Siegfried, Roy and the tiger that didn't eat Roy... Sometimes, animals make conscious decisions to say "fuck you" to society and love whomever they god damn please. Thus was the case with a certain Pygmy hippo at the zoo and a zookeeper named Tommy.
|"I did not eat this man."|
When a Pygmy hippo falls for a man, not the usual hints of attraction will do. I mean, she can't put on her fancy pants and go strutting around the joint. It would just be ridiculous... And where would she even find pants that big... Never mind actually get them buttoned. She has no thumbs!! But this is neither her nor there. Our heroine decided that she would show affection to Tommy by not eating him when he cleaned the pen. Unfortunately for me, this rule did not apply to me.
|It's just not possible.|
I remember it like it was yesterday... Tommy was cleaning the pen and called me in to help him pick up the poo-filled hay. I excitedly obliged because I was so jazzed to be helping out. Cleaning up animal poo was way better than doing the kid birthday parties. No, really... Have you ever had 15 small kids screaming and running around and you had to wrangle them up and give them sugar, then put them on ponies and then paint their snot crusted faces?!? Believe me, animal poo is a step up. Thank the Gods that the other party girl, Amy, was probably one of the best people to work with ever.
|Words cannot describe how much fun we had.|
Anyway... I entered the pen... And I swear to you, that hippo's eyes glowed red. RED. Like a fucking cartoon or some shit. Unfortunately, I had entered with such glee that I was well into the cage before I realized my error. Rookie mistake, I know. By the time I realized what was about to go down, said hippo was in between me and my exit.
|Now, imagine her eyes all glowy red... And her floating in pure anger.|
You may be thinking, "Val, how big can a Pygmy hippo be?! You are an awesome ninja!! Why not just take her out?!" Because I was young! And scared! And also early into my ninja training. Also, have you ever seen the size of a hippos mouth?!? So I did what I'm sure 99% of you would have also done... I screamed bloody murder and ran around in circles. Evasive maneuvers people!!!
|She could have been after anything guys... Including my salvation.|
Tommy tried to help, I'm sure. But god knows what the fuck he did! I was too busy screaming and running around whilst Yakity Sax played in my mind. It went down like that for what seemed like an eternity... Like the end of Benny Hill, but with less naked chicks and more hippo.
Finally, I hopped the fence faster than a fat kid at a cake buffet... I never again entered that cage. But every time I passed by, that motherfucker would charge a few steps and talk a bunch of shit trying to get me back in the cage. I'm not sure what she said exactly, since I don't speak hippo, but I can guarantee it was not very nice. Not very nice at all.
|And that's why I never donate money to hippo charities. Fuck 'em!!!|