I have perfect, bulbous toes and have saved the world from them more times than I can count

It's true.  They're perfect and bulbous.  My friend Stephanie told me so.  And I wouldn't call her a liar if I were you.  That would make her angry...  And you wouldn't like her when she's angry...

However, you may be questioning her judgement.  You may even be thinking, "Valerie, everyone knows that bulbous toes are not perfect. And if your second toe is longer than your first... Well... Well that's just Ew!"  To this I answer:  Nay!! You, sir, are wrong!!  And you are most likely my brother because that boy has been making fun of these beautiful babies for years.  Because he is jealous... Probably.

Let me share a fun fact with you judgmental motherfuckers....  Bulbous toes make perfect people.  "People you say?!?"  YES!  People.  Let me clarify....

Welcome to Toetown.

When I'm bored or just lonely or feeling particularly frisky, which is quite often, I enjoy drawing little people on the bottom of my feet and playing Toetown.

You see, the big toe, aka Mayor Martin Goldstein III, is quite the evil, bad politician.  You can tell because of his handlebar mustache.  No one with this type of mustache is ever good.  In fact, rumor has it that he tied his ex wife to the train tracks with some TNT.  But this could never be proven since his defense was rock solid.  "How could I possibly tie her to anything?!?  I have no hands!!!"  And, much like OJ, he was acquitted.  

See?!?  It's a proven fact!!

Second toe, aka Vulva Pattenhiem, is his gopher assistant.  But he secretly is plotting to become mayor after Goldstein has himself a little "accident".  He also is waiting on paperwork from the social security office to legally change his name to Zeus.  Since everyone knows no one will vote for a man named Vulva.  But his parents were hippy lesbians and all about being feminists.  I, personally, think he will one day make an excellent Mayor.

Vulva was conceived this very night.

Middle toe is the resident wizard for Toetown.  If you need a potion or a hex, he's your man!  His name is Parry Hooter.  Apparently no other wizards can have glasses and be named Harry Potter... Ever...  Or you will get a cease and desist letter from someone... I'm not gonna mention any names, but you know who I'm getting at... *coughJKROWLINGcough*

Shit.

 

The second to last toe is the evilest of the bunch.  Professor Jerald Von Klater was the original leader of the way famous Masters of Evil, until he was disbarred for humping things.  He later went on to create his evil minion...  pinkie toe, aka Bob.  Bob has no soul. He is a clone, and Jerald slept through the part of his lecture at Evil Academy when they were teaching how to make souls in clones.  Something about unicorn fart and faery dust, he thinks.  We've had hour long discussions on this whilst eating skittles... As we are sure skittles is the key ingredient.

Kinda like this... but way better because they are on my feet.

So now you know why my toes are perfect.  And also that I am single-handedly keeping these fuckers occupied and distracted so they don't one day take over the world.  It's like that horror movie I saw once where this blind nun had to watch the gates of hell that was located in the attic of some apartment building or something.  And her job was to sit there and make sure that evil didn't escape.  Which was weird since she was blind.  But I guess nuns have, like, a spider-sense for evil...  Anyway, we're both part of a greater mission... Fucking heroes of the world and shit.

I bet her feet are weird too...  Weird and perfect.  Fuckin' A, man... Fuckin' A.

Here we sit at the gates of hell.  Protecting you motherfuckers.  Just me and some blind chick.  I think she might be a nun.  Damn...  What the fuck are we gonna talk about.