Hey Motherfuckers! I'm finally getting over this horrible flu virus. That's right. I caught Captain Tripps, and got better. Because I'm too fucking awesome to die. (Insert Happy Jump Freeze Frame!)
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| Fuck YEA Flash Gordon!!! |
Anyway, I received the following message on my work voicemail:
"Hi Valerie. It's Ms. Creepy Dental Person from Blahblah Dental Group. I noticed that you haven't been in for your deep cleaning and I was just calling to find out why. Did you go somewhere else?! Give me a call.. And.. We can talk about it..."
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| Wow... I didn't realize that we shared a moment. My bad. |
I'm serious, guys. That shit really happened. And, there was a lot of pain in her voice. I kinda feel bad... Because, it's not her. It really isn't. It's me. I... I just don't see this relationship going anywhere. I like to eat fruit roll ups and popcorn. I like coffee and opening packages with my teeth. It just won't work out in the long run. But I think she's taking this kind of hard. Also... I don't even know how she got my work number!!!
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| Shit just got real. |
The bad part is that the dentist is literally 1 block away from me. Sometimes, when I drive by on my way home, I see her looking out the window longingly. I can't help but think that it's because of me. Am I her "one that got away"?
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| It could have been my teeth up there... |
What am I supposed to do if this shit goes south?! What if I have that scene happen to me. You know. The one in every horror movie? Where I'm finishing brushing my teeth, and open the medicine cabinet to get something out. Then when I close up the mirror, she's standing behind me yelling "YOU FORGOT TO FLOSS!!!" Followed by her pulling out a long piece of dental floss (which she probably already used to make the killing more "personal". Serial killers are weird like that) and proceeds to strangle me. I can't go out like this guys!! I won't be taken down by a dentist. Not now... Not ever...
That does it... Eddies gonna just have to come watch my back whilst I brush. Just until this whole thing blows over.
If you don't hear from me, know that I love you all.... Especially you! Uhhhh... Not you. You smell of meat and cheese. YOU! In the back! Yea... You're my favorite.
P.S. I am submitting this post on Dud(ette) Write so go check the site out!! Voting starts on Sunday!!! (I'm not saying to go vote for me... But I AM saying go vote for me. It's a girl thing. SO DO IT!!! Please?)
Why would you show me that!!! Now I'm stuck on my couch and too afraid to go to bed! And I'm positive if I go in the bathroom to brush my teeth something ghoulish will be looking at me from the mirror!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I got your Christmas card this week. Thanks! I particularly loved the weaponry, I think it adds a certain elegance that's missing from so many Christmas cards these days ;D
You can look in the mirror, just never ever look away from it. Not even for a second. Because then you are doomed. DOOMED I SAY!!!
DeleteI'm so glad you liked it. We love spreading the gospel thru our own special kind of love. ;0)
Hugs!
Valerie
Darn those mirror videos! They get me every time! Arg...never sleeping again. Or going near a mirror.
ReplyDeleteStay away from them!! They are no good!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
No. No no no no no no no no no no no.
ReplyDeleteDid I mention . . . NO!
I'm going to forgive you this one time, because I'm assuming you are still delirious from the flu/meds you have been taking, but if you ever even THINK about putting a picture of a clown like that on your site again . . . I'm sorry to say it Val, but you and I are through.
You've been warned.
Yikes!
I KNOW!!! It's just horrible. But this is what it looks like in my mind!! And I need to share it or ill go bonkers!!!
DeleteJust know that I love you.
Hugs!
Valerie
I'm the one in the back! I know this!! YAY! I love you too!!!
ReplyDeleteDrop kick that bitch in the vajay! Flossing is for pussies!
Um, Kel . . . hate to break this to you, but I'm pretty sure she was talking about me. I'M the troublemaker in the back row.
DeleteOk, fine. I guess I can share. We BOTH are sitting back there making fun of the teacher's combover and totally not paying attention. We're awesome!! ;)
FUCK YEA FOR MY AWESOME CHICKS!!! Love you fuckers to pieces!!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
How awkward! I have a former hairdresser who comes in to my work as a customer, it's always super weird. The reason I stopped going to him was he made a snarky comment about the frequency of my visits: "So I'll see you in a year?" He'd said. Rude!
ReplyDeleteI get my hair cut every 6 months. My hairdresser is awesome and always thanks me for coming and tells me it's really great to see me again. And she remembers what I like done to my hair after 6 months and a myriad of clients have come and gone. I love her.
DeleteYour former hairdresser, however, is a douche. Good thing you punted his ass!
You need to find an awesome hair dresser!!! Mine lets me curse up a storm and make fun of his other clients!! And I always greet him with a "what up cunt!!!" I love him so hard...
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
I haz a good one finally! Unfortunately she is now a salon "owner" so it's pricey, but if I have to spend two hours with someone, I better damn well like them
DeleteHilarious. Especially since I'm going in for my dental rotor rooter session tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteJust don't give them your real phone number!!! And if it gets too creepy, Liam Neeson your way out of there. Which pretty much means kill everyone and run....
DeleteI should probably stop watching Taken on replay...
Hugs!
Valerie
I can't believe you saw me in the back...
ReplyDeleteWow, read that again and it sounds all horror movie-ey. I'm not scared of the dentist, but our last go round we had to switch due to insurance changes and I disliked the new one intensely. Way more short fingers and big hands in my mouth than I needed, all the while doing that "chatting" thing where you have "aw-haw" and "uh-aw" as viable answer options. That doesn't work for me.
WG
I see everyone... And I mean that in a total non-pervy way. Maybe...
DeleteI think I would like the dentist more if they were more liberal with the gas. I mea, they are all about shooting you in the gums with a 12inch needle, but god forbid you give anyone the good stuff...
Jerks.
Hugs!
Valerie
You would think a dentist would be very used to people not coming to their regular appointments. And I can't believe she accused you of cheating! It sounds like something a hair stylist would say :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I knew, I KNEW, that I shouldn't click on that video, and, yet, I did it anyway. And I got sucked in and couldn't stop watching and now I have regrets. Dang it.
That's exactly what I told Eddie. Every time I cancel they sound so surprised. I'm all "you're a fucking dentist!! You should be more shocked that people show up!!"
DeleteThe SAME thing happened with me and that video. I wish I never saw it. I keep getting freaked out in the bathroom... And Eddie won't come in there with me anymore. Not since taco night....
Hugs!
Valerie
Oh, man. I've been blowing my dentist off since September. I'm expecting to get "that call" any day now. I better start coming up with excuses fast. lol
ReplyDeleteUse the alien abduction excuse!!! Works every time!!!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
So a) my dentist also calls me at the office. b) I freaking hate those mirror scares. And c) I have seen that car in person! It's messed up! Good luck with "the talk" you apparently will have when that lady shows up at your office holding a bouquet of toothbrushes :)
ReplyDeleteOmg.... I didn't think of the awkwardness when I finally go back... I am gonna have to find a new dentist!! I've seen way too many horror movies for this to end well.
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
I almost forgot... Where in the world have you seen that car?!?
DeleteIn Seattle!
DeleteROAD TRIP!!!!! :0D
DeleteVery timely as I chipped my tooth yesterday, ugh! No avoiding that one, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteYou are stuck... Just don't give them any personal into and use and alias... You should be ok!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThat is crazy stupid, it is your choice! I cheat on my service providers all the time, its my prerogative.
ReplyDeleteRight!?! And it's not like I've got some spectacular teeth or anything!! If I had an amazing grill, I could understand. But they are just your run of the mill teeth!
DeleteHug!
Valerie
Valerie, you have a serious problem on your hands. You need to get out now! Perhaps the FBI/CIA can provide some kind of witness-protection program for you. I hear tickets to Rio are cheap this year around. Welcome to Dude Write!
ReplyDeleteOMG!!! I am going to do this... And be the most badass person in witness protection ever. I'll even have a fucking awesome name.. Like.. Valerie Munez. YEA!!! And they'll give me a job as a ninja!!! And... a new wardrobe!! AND FREE SHOES!!!!
DeleteIsn't that how it works? Or, am I missing the point?
Hugs!
Valerie
The dentist scares the f*ck out of me. It's not the pain, I can deal with that. It's the bill. The bill scares me to the point where I sometimes cry in preparation for the visit.
ReplyDeleteI would rather let my wisdom teeth fall out on their own than get that bill!!! Highway robbery is what it is!!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
Hi, welcome to Dude Write!
ReplyDeleteWhen my wife worked at an office that had dental coverage, I'm sure that our dentist made up all kinds of odd toothy ailments just to get us into that chair.
My wife changed jobs, no more dental coverage, my teeth are miraculously in perfect health! Bastards!
Nice post, It made me laugh....and scared the shit out of me. All sort of at the same time. :)
Thank you for the welcome!!! I'm so happy to participate!!
ReplyDeleteLaugh and scared is what I do. And my work here is done... Valerie out... ;0)
Hugs!
Valerie
Sigh. This reminds me that I haven't been to the dentist in over a year.
ReplyDeleteI'll go. Maybe 2014.
Yes, Yes... Just go in 2014.. or even 2015. It'll be fine until then!!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
This is a perfect. post. Perfect.
ReplyDeleteYou're perfect!!!! ;0)
DeleteHugs!
Valerie