Am I too late for VALentine's Day wishes? Of course not! I'm VALerie!

So, this is my VALentine's Day post.  I hope you all had a gloriously spectacular one!!  I know.  It's a wee bit late, due to the fact that our computer was being a douche for the last 2 weeks.  But I've got a new computer now.  And shit just got real.

It's hard to see because my stupid old ass phone doesn't have a flash, but I'm Smeyesing.  Which I learned from watching an episode of America's Next Top Model on a drunkenly lonely Sunday afternoon.

Let me, for a moment, Marty McFly you back in time to when I was a wee little lad.  Once upon a time, my crazy schizophrenic aunt believed that VALentine's day was my own personal holiday.  To celebrate, she used mail me unusual gifts, ranging anywhere from balloons and that day she technically kidnapped me and bought me ice cream, to a box filled with rotten oranges covered in glitter and perfume.

It looked exactly like this...  Except it was an orange... And it was moldy and rotten.  Oh, and it was covered in perfume.  I still, to this very day, blame my allergic reactions to perfume on her and her boxes of love.

Explains a lot about me, doesn't it?  Sometimes I think Eddie is just sitting around waiting for me to start hearing voices from Jesus that tell me to paint a stranger's house pastel colors.(True fucking story by the way.  Like I said, she was nuts.  I mean, not many people get restraining orders from churches and mailmen.)

And then Jesus was all "See the Miller family?  Yea...  I'm gonna need you to go ahead and paint their house.  Please use pastel colors.  Reminds me of Easters."

But I digress...  This year for VALentine's Day, I went with some friends to play Sex Toy Bingo.  Because, honestly...  What says Happy VALentine's Day better than free porn and dildos?!?!  Let me answer that for you:  NOTHING!!!

Don't worry, motherfuckers...  Eddie was totally okay with me going out on a holiday obviously dedicated to me.  We actually went out last night to a lovely dinner.  In case you were wondering...

Mystery Guest Star...  The Invisible Man.

Anyway, before hitting up the spot where we were to play bingo, we first went to probably the coolest bar I've ever been to.  No, seriously...  With every beer purchased, you get a ticket for free pizza.

No.  Seriously... The Fucking pizza was FREE!!!!  Live Free, Die Hard MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

I'm sorry.  Did you hear me?  I said...  FREE.  FUCKING.  PIZZA.  And it was free fucking delicious pizza.  And Valerie was VERY happy.  Until she went to go pee...  Then she was ecstatic.  Because she made a friend.

I made a mannequin friend in the bathroom, guys!!

I.  Made.  A.  Mannequin.  Friend.  In.  The.  Bathroom.

First impressions mean everything.  Which is why I peed in the toilet, and not my pants.  Because I'm a LADY!

I know...  I sorta freaked out too.  My friends could barely get me out of the bathroom.  But they finally did and we were able to make it to the promised land.  We were able to make it to Sex Toy Bingo. 

I tried to steal his parts, but they were bolted on.  I'm not too proud to admit this.  I was a wrench away from owning a mannequin leg.  But I'll be back, motherfuckers...  I'll be back.

So, on to Sex Toy Bingo.  Which was a FUCKING BLAST!!!  But, SPOILER ALERT:  I didn't win a fucking THING!!!

Even though I was Master of the Boards.  Like He-Man and shit. 

But luckily, although I did not win, I have some very good friends who will accompany me to the Toy Store (wink wink) to get whatever my little heart desires...  Which is probably some fucked up Star Trek porn and handcuffs.  I'm easy like that.  

Don't act surprised...