Me: Eddie! Eddie!! Wake up!
Eddie: What!?!
Me: There's... There's something in the closet.
Eddie: You're dreaming... Again... Go back to sleep.
Me: No. There's something there. It's.... It's a demon.
Eddie: Go back to sleep!!
**cell phone vibrates**
(Let me point out that there were no messages or anything on my phone. It just randomly vibrated. It's quite obvious that this was demon trickery. It's exactly how those bastards work. I read all about it in Tobin's Spirit Guide.)
Me: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!
Eddie: Its your god damn phone buzzing. Now go back to bed!!
Me: It's come from hell to get me.
Eddie: What's wrong with you?
Me (shines phone light into closet): Never mind... Looks like it went back to the depths from which it came...
So, as you can imagine, I got no fucking sleep that night. I kept thinking that beast was going to come back and drag me kicking and screaming into the closet. It looked exactly like those dog monsters from the Ghostbusters movie. Except eviler. And red. And so angry...
 |
| If someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!!! |
Now that I think of it, in the last few months I've seen a demon, tribbles, spiders and faery tunnels in my "sleep". What if this is the last phase of me being taken!? Like that movie, Drag Me to Hell?! And I haven't even made friends with Liam Neeson yet...
 |
| Epic Battle of Our Times |
OOOOOR..... On a more likely note, that demon was probably here to offer me a position as Queen of the Underworld. I mean, I am the likely choice. I'd rock the fuck out of a leather outfit and a whip. Also, I can multitask. And that's wicked important when your dealing with the torturing of millions of souls.
 |
| I was so made for this job. |
But, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to turn the job down. I hear its wicked hot down there. And I don't like to be sweaty. Plus my curly hair would be horrible in that kind of humidity. It just wouldn't work for me in the long run.
 |
| Seriously... Why can't I just have straight hair?!? |
But I shall thank them graciously for their offer... And also leave a tray of cookies. Cuz... Demons love cookies....
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| I know this has nothing to do with the topic. But when I googled "demons love cookies," this picture came up. I almost spit tea all over my new computer. |
P.S. Saturday I take the Polar Bear Plunge to raise money for the Special Olympics!! I'm less than $100 away from reaching the $300 goal mark. And if I raise $300, I get Special Olympics sweatpants to match my sweatshirt!! Guys... I would have the whole outfit. THE. WHOLE. FUCKING. OUTFIT. So if you want to donate to a great cause, help me get a Special Olympics Sweatsuit and throw a little good karma your way, CLICK HERE!!!
Good luck with the plunge! I just went and donated ... just in the nick of time!
ReplyDeletethanks SO much!! I totally made my goal with your help!! In fact, I am writing this email from the comfyness of my Special Olympics sweatpants!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
The demons love cookies photo made this all worth it. Check into the benefits before you turn down the position. I believe that AC in hell is what's really causing global warming (well when I've been drinking that makes total sense).
ReplyDeleteYou make a valid point here!! Hmmm... Perhaps I was too quick to say no...
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
You would ROCK as Queen of the Underworld. And then . . . at least I'd know someone when I eventually ended up there. It's not what you know, in fact . . . :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the plunge. Don't freeze your tuchus off! Remember to let me know about NEXT weekend.
Oh MAN! I'd have your sweet all ready for you with the bestest view! We would have a blast!!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
Just be like Sinead O'Conner and go bald. That should totally work, Queenie!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the properly shaped head for baldness. Like, Natalie Portman... But, with my chubby cheeks, I'd end up looking more like Uncle Fester. ;0)
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
I’m with Misty. You should take the job; it will be good to see a friendly face when we get there. Maybe you can get me a better suite. And you can get your hair done and curl-proofed at their spa. I bet they call it “Hades Night!” Ha!
ReplyDeleteThis is true. What good is being Queen of the Underworld if you don't get some free spa days!!
DeleteHades Night here I come!! ;0)
Hugs!
Valerie
I don't know what kind of demon snooki would be: maybe one responsible for tacky orange tans? Drunk in public arrests? I really hope it is her fault and not the other possibility, that people really are that idiotic
ReplyDeleteNo... No. It HAS to be her fault. I still hate her for the bad image she has given my home state. Hell... She doesn't even go here!!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
I've always loved those dog monsters from Ghostbusters because I'm, you know, weird and shit, though the thought of one in my closet is a little unsettling, mostly because my closet is so tiny and I bet they have claustrophobia issues. I know I would if I were that big. Plus I bet those fuckers would DESTROY SHIT.
ReplyDeleteNo fucking lie... My first thought upon seeing it was "my shoes are in there!! They'll be ruined!!" I love you so hard for feeling the same.
DeleteHugs!
Valerie
Okay look, here's the thing: I was totally going to invite you and the family to join me at my compound (that I don't have yet) when the zombie apocalypse starts because, you know, you spent that weekend once learning how to kill zombies and all, but if you get possessed by all the demons apparently living in your bedroom, then I'm going to seriously have to rethink that invite. So, if I were you, I'd order an exorcism ASAP and maybe move. Or both. You know Florida is much closure to Hogwarts than New Jersey is.
ReplyDeleteI'm in... I won't be possessed... I'll just rule the place! Think of all the awesome super powers ill get!!
DeleteHugs!
Valerie