Thursday, December 12, 2013

Fact: Milk Duds are born without Holiday Spirit. It is inserted through their rectum once they reach maturity. Thus making them a delightful Holiday Treat.

On the way to Alyssa's School Holiday Show, we took in some lovely views of Christmas lights.  There was this one stretch of neighborhood that went totally overboard.  There were lights, icicles, blow up holiday figures...  Hell, there was even a baby Jesus!!!

JOY TO THE WORLD!!!!!!  It's a Griswold Family Christmas!!!

And then there's this guy...


Oh?  You guys wanna spread some Xmas Cheer?!? 
 
Fuck your cheer.

Fuck it right in the ass.

He might as well have just thrown some balled up lights in the window, hanging there like a decorated scrotum.  I mean, this person has 7 front windows.  SEVEN!!!!!  He decorated exactly two.  And the lights aren't even symmetrical.  Nor do they go fully around the exterior of the window.  He literally decorated 2 windows of his entire house on a block FULL of overly Christmas'ed houses... on purpose.  


I was so tempted to knock on his door and ask "What happened??  How did you get so awesome??"  Was he not invited to the annual block party?  Is he just lazy??  Does he loathe Christmas?  I mean, why even decorate at all??  


I'll tell you why...  Because decorating 1/8th of your house is way more aggravating to others than not decorating could ever be.  It's a big FUCK YOU to the whole block.


This.  Person.  Is.  My.  Hero.  


I could only hope to be half as sassy as this person one day.  I tip my hat to you, fair stranger.  I tip it like a fucking pimp.


You may, at this time, be wondering how Alyssa's Holiday Show went.  It went very well, thank you for asking.  I had the best view in the house... 

Is it wrong that I licked his giant Milk Dud head??  The answer to that, according to security, is Yes...  Non-consensual licking is always wrong apparently.   Whatever.  If you don't want it licked, wear a hat, Buddy!!!!  WEAR. A. HAT.

28 comments:

  1. That dude is truly an inspiration to all of us! I want to be like him when I grow up. Also, someone tell Fox News to include him in their "War On Christmas" segments.

    I think security is just jealous of your bond with the Milk Dud. Screw them.

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    Replies
    1. Security teams just don't get me... I think it's because they aren't cops.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

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  2. You don't EVER want to lick a bald dude's head for multiple reasons: 1) It will most likely be scratchy from the razor stubble. 2) It will taste of sun tan lotion or chemotherapy. 3) A dude's head can flake from eczema or sun burn. 4) You don't know his weird habits, what if he thinks he can cure a headache by rubbing Icy/Hot on his shiny dome?
    You're asking for a world of hurt tasting a strangers globe like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. God DAMN it, Pickleope!!!! This is information that would have been useful to me yesterday. We are gonna have to have a powwow on acceptable licking practices!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  3. Oh my god. That is the most beautifully decorated house EVER. When I grow up, I want to be just as badass as that guy. I bet HE never has to worry about all of his Xmas tree lights going out!! Because he's like, FUCK IT! 2 strands of lights in the windows ONLY bitches!! Cuz that's how he rolls. HERO.

    Well damn, now I want to lick his head. See what you've done to me, Val? SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE????

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My plan is now almost complete!!!! We just need to go get our toes done together... Then THE WORLD IS OURS!!

      MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  4. It looks like a Whopper to me. lol

    Our neighbor is like that, not rebelliously so, he's a penny pinching ass. The only room he decorates is his tiny bathroom window which faces our house, so you can't even see it from the street. That makes him a dumb ass.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whoppers are SOOOOO GOOOD!

      HAHAHA! You're neighbor has issues. And not in a good way. Maybe he's just trying to impress you... personally?


      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  5. The only thing that could have been better is if he formed his lights into the shape of a middle finger.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That would have been too much work for his style... But not for mine!!!!


      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  6. Well, I have to confess to an embarrassingness of ignorance, or maybe it's just the unbridgeable cultural divide, but I had to Google "Milk Duds" to find out what the heck they are!

    Hmmm...remind me never to sit in front of you, not unless glossal application therapy is shown to be a cure for baldness of course...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sure you look nothing like a Milk Dud!!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

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    2. By the way, aren't "milk duds" cows who have gone dry?
      Sorry for injecting some middle school humor here (yes, I can make my comedy "G" rated, if need be).

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    3. I'm impressed that you can go both ways!!

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  7. Hilarious post! I lost the whole outside decorating spirit after my neighbors broke all HOA rules and decorated. In case you are wondering, not like the Griswolds, oh no their outside display from the book Crackheads Guide to Outdoor Christmas Displays.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just gonna put a tree up. That's about all the energy I've got.

      Delete
  8. Geez-a-lou, it looks like that sucker was getting ready to erupt!!!! I hope you saved yourself from a shower of delicious caramel goodness. Or brain matter.
    Either way...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was hoping for nougat!!!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  9. I haven't laughed this hard in days.The house was a great warm up for the finale. When I looked at the photo, I thought you were going to say you didn't need a flash as the little bit of light reflected off his head and lit up the room. Maybe licking it wasn't for the milk-duds, but rather just to increase the shine. Thanks for the laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am always happy to get a laugh!!! His head relflected like a disco ball!!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  10. Geez-a-lou, it looks like that sucker's getting ready to erupt! Of course, the upside is that you'd then be bathed in chocolatey caramel goodness. HE wouldn't be able to wear a hat anymore, though.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This is the third time I tried to leave a comment, so I'll try again. IUt's worth it, because it's so DAMN FUNNY!!
    Geez-a-lou, what if that sucker erupted!!?? Then, you'd be bathed in rich chocolatey, caramel goodness. And he wouldn't be able to wear hats anymore.
    Huh, now that I read my comment...meh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was funny EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. ;0)

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
    2. AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHG!!!!!!
      So you know, I left a comment about Pluto. But, only once. Multiple commenting is a more heinous scourge than farting in an elevator full of nuns,
      No, I really don't know what that means.

      Delete