Thursday, February 28, 2013

Vengeance tastes like ice cream... Only better.

I have found a sport that I truly love, guys.  That's right...  I'm a super serious sledder now. 

Exactly like this...  But with less man junk.


Let me take you back to my childhood...  Where a young girl never had a chance to express herself through sledding of any kind.  It was a sad, depraved childhood filled hearing about other kids' adventurous times down the hills of glory.  The hills that were always just out of her reach.  A young girl who would later grow up to become one of the most awesome people that she knows.  Ok...  Maybe tied with most of the people she knows as she keeps herself surrounded by awesome. 


One day...  You shall be mine.


Anyway, it finally happened.  I went sledding.  And.  It.  Was.  Glorious. 

It.  Was.  Fucking.  Awesome.


How does a person like me come to go sledding, you ask?  Well, as it turns out, I am an adult and can now take myself to places that I want to go whenever I want!!  One day I was all "I've never been sledding.  Life sucks."  And then, in the very next breath, I was all "HOLY FUCKINGSTEIN!!!  I'm a god damned adult and can fucking go if I want to!!!

And so a plan was hatched!  I immediately told Eddie the good news.  You could imagine his excitement.  But as it turns out, Eddie wasn't really a fan of sledding.

Not impressed.


And neither was our friend Melanie.

Not at all impressed.


Nor was Jasmyn.

Kinda impressed.


But luckily, I was excited enough for all of us!!!  In fact, every time I slid down that magnificent mountain, my legs kicked with glee!  My excitement was so high that it had nowhere to go.  For my own protection, my body released it out of my legs.  That's how you don't spontaneously combust, guys.  It's true.  Look it up!

SUPER IMPRESSED!!!!!


So, while Eddie, Mel and Jazzy quit after only 2 shots down the Hill of Splendor and warmed by the Fire of the Pansies.  Alyssa, her friend Zoe, and I were totally in. 

LET'S RIDE THIS THING!!!


And that's when we claimed the mountain to be our own.

We were fair and just rulers.  Yes, goddesses of the righteous we were.  We climbed up and flew down that mountain for hours.  Until I spotted Eddie making the universal motion that told me to "wrap it up because we are cold and hungry and have a long drive home where I will give you alcohol to end your magnificent day."

You had me at pint, lover...


And so we left...  But not forever, motherfuckers.  Nay.  For I made a vow right then and there that I would return one day to reclaim my birth right.  So the hill may be yours for now, small children whom I do not know, but savior it.  I will return.  And my homecoming shall mean death and destruction for you all.

I'll be back.  And this time, it's personal.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

That time I jumped into the freezing ocean for charity... Then promptly killed a man.

I bet you're all wondering how the Polar Bear Plunge went.  And if you're not, you should probably skip this post.  It will be filled with boring things like thievery, sexiness and murder...

And Polar Bears of course...  Nature's hit men.


Let me start at the beginning.  It's a very good place to start, so I'm told.  Unless you've seen the movie Momento.  Then scratch that statement.  Let's start at the end...

I may or may not have killed a man.

Ok.  REWIND!

I woke up super early on Saturday morning and just laid in my bed.  Wondering...  Wondering why the fuck my alarm had just gone off.  Wasn't it Saturday?!?  Then it hit me like the freezing waves of death would engulf me later that day.  It was Polar Bear Plunge time.

I suddenly remembered that thanks to the generosity of some awesome fucking human beings (and maybe a few aliens), I was gonna get my Special Olympics Sweatsuit!!!

I did get my Special Olympics Sweatsuit!  And it was more glorious than I could ever have imagined!!


The group that I was with, Special Plungers for Special People consisting of Stephanie and some other heroes, thought that it would be a grand idea to stop off at the bar after registering.  You know...  For some breakfast.

And so we drank...

At 10:00am...

It was a little early for me.  So I nursed my beer a bit whilst watching some of the others do shots.  Call me old fashioned, but I may need a bagel or something before I hit the tequila.  These fuckers were hardcore.  And so much fun!!  How I love them so!

Breakfast and second breakfast.  We lived like Hobbits that day!!


The time came to suit up.  It's funny how time flies when you're going to jump into the ocean in winter.  Time is a harsh mistress.  So, I sadly removed my most glorious Special Olypics sweatsuit, and donned my bathing suit...

And Kenny's Shorts.

Please forgive my muffin top. 


That's right, Motherfuckers!!!  If I was gonna jump into the freezing ocean, I sure as hell wasn't gonna do it without my beloved stolen shorts! 

Oh the adventures I've had in those shorts..

On we went.   My fantastic team and Stephanie and I.  Did I mention it was pouring rain out?  And freezing cold?   Yes...  Well.  It was.  We stood there in the rain waiting for the ok to run into the ocean.  A very angry ocean, I might add.   

So very, very angry.


The countdown  finally began...

10... This is stupid.
9... Just turn around and walk away.
8... Omg... What if I get pulled into the undertow?!
7... It's really fucking cold.
6... It's really, really fucking cold.
5... This is so stupid.
4... I'm never doing this again.
3... I can do this.
2... I. Can. Do. This.
1... I CAN DO THIS.
0... I FUCKING GOT THIS!!!


And off we ran.  Stephanie and I.  Hand in motherfucking hand.   As soon as we hit the water, my breath was stolen.  I could no longer feel my body. Or breathe.  I couldn't fucking breathe guys.

And that's when the wave hit.  A mini tsunami, if you will.  I went under as Stephanie went down.  Luckily, we were still holding hands.  I composed myself and turned to help her.

Holy.  Fucking.  Shit.  There were 25,000 crazy ass plungers charging towards us.  Stephanie who was currently on her ass in the water would surely be trampled.  I pulled her up with all of my might...  Just as some stupid son of a bitch charged us.

Actually, not really us.  He charged my elbow...  With his Adam's apple.  And the douche went down.  Feet flying in the air, eyes bulging with a look of absolute horror on his face.  Like some sad little cartoon character.  But I had no time to worry about that poor soul.  No.  My Stephanie was in peril!!!  So I got her up and moving first.  Then turned to help that the unfortunate soul who had met the business end of my elbow.  But he was gone.  Most likely swept out into the current.  

Dramatic Reenactment.  (But pretty fucking close)


I've never clotheslined a man before.  Killed?  Maybe.  But clotheslined?  No.  I won't lie to you.  It was pretty fucking awesome.  Probably because I'm short and it's not a feat easily accomplished by someone of my size.  We later poured some of our beer out for our fallen plunger.  Well, we poured it into our mouths anyway.  We are, after all, respectable drinkers who do not waste the golden drink of the God! 

I walked out of that ocean a changed woman.  I didn't run for my clothes.  No...  I did that badass walk you do when there is shit behind you exploding and your theme song is blaring.  I even did a head nod at a some lucky onlookers and was all "Sup."  Ok...  This happened mostly because my legs were dead to me and I couldn't run.  But still, it looked pretty fucking awesome.  In my head.  Probably.

But I did it, guys!  I raised $345 for the Special Olympics, had beer for breakfast, got my Special Olympics sweatsuit, took Kenny's shorts into the freezing ocean and killed a man.  All before 2pm on a rainy Saturday.  Then, for lunch, I had more beer. 

Damn it feels good to be a gansta.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

The only reason I'm slightly looking forward to work this week...

So, once again, Monday looms over us like a pimp over a crack whore.  But this week is slightly different than the others.  This week my fellow co-workers and I begin the Sad Keanu Game.



Meet the Sad Keanu Bucket...  He's just so disappointed in the work that you have not yet competed.


You've just been Keanu-ed!!!  Rules of the game:  Your Mission (should you choose to accept it) is to sneak Keanu without being noticed onto another co-worker's desk.  Keanu must contain an offering to the Chosen One.  Said offering can be anything small enough to fit into Keanu.  (dead things and explosives are not acceptable offerings).  This message will self destruct in 5 seconds.

And, while I'm not looking forward to Monday, at least I may be Keanu-ed at some point with a tasty treat in his sad little head. 

Enjoy your week, motherfuckers!!  

Hugs!

Valerie

P.S.  Thank you to all who donated to the Special Olympics Polar Bear Plunge!!  I can't wait to tell you all about it this week! :o)

Thursday, February 21, 2013

How I almost became Queen of the Underworld, but then had to decline due to hair issues.

Monday night - Approximately 3am

Me:   Eddie! Eddie!! Wake up!

Eddie: What!?!

Me: There's... There's something in the closet.

Eddie:  You're dreaming... Again... Go back to sleep.

Me:  No. There's something there.   It's.... It's a demon.

Eddie: Go back to sleep!!

**cell phone vibrates**  

(Let me point out that there were no messages or anything on my phone.  It just randomly vibrated.  It's quite obvious that this was demon trickery.  It's exactly how those bastards work.  I read all about it in Tobin's Spirit Guide.)

Me:  WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?!

Eddie:  Its your god damn phone buzzing.  Now go back to bed!!

Me:  It's come from hell to get me.

Eddie:  What's wrong with you?

Me (shines phone light into closet):  Never mind...  Looks like it went back to the depths from which it came...



So, as you can imagine, I got no fucking sleep that night.   I kept thinking that beast was going to come back and drag me kicking and screaming into the closet.  It looked exactly like those dog monsters from the Ghostbusters movie.  Except eviler.  And red.  And so angry...



If someone asks you if you're a god, you say yes!!!


Now that I think of it, in the last few months I've seen a demon, tribbles, spiders and faery tunnels in my "sleep".  What if this is the last phase of me being taken!?   Like that movie, Drag Me to Hell?!  And I haven't even made friends with Liam Neeson yet... 

Epic Battle of Our Times


OOOOOR.....  On a more likely note, that demon was probably here to offer me a position as Queen of the Underworld.  I mean, I am the likely choice.  I'd rock the fuck out of a leather outfit and a whip.  Also, I can multitask.   And that's wicked important when your dealing with the torturing of millions of souls.


I was so made for this job.


But, unfortunately, I'm gonna have to turn the job down.   I hear its wicked hot down there. And I don't like to be sweaty.  Plus my curly hair would be horrible in that kind of humidity.  It just wouldn't work for me in the long run. 

Seriously...  Why can't I just have straight hair?!?


But I shall thank them graciously for their offer... And also leave a tray of cookies. Cuz... Demons love cookies....


I know this has nothing to do with the topic.  But when I googled "demons love cookies," this picture came up.  I almost spit tea all over my new computer.

P.S. Saturday I take the Polar Bear Plunge to raise money for the Special Olympics!!   I'm less than $100 away from reaching the $300 goal mark. And if I raise $300, I get Special Olympics sweatpants to match my sweatshirt!!  Guys... I would have the whole outfit.  THE.  WHOLE.  FUCKING.  OUTFIT.  So if you want to donate to a great cause, help me get a Special Olympics Sweatsuit and throw a little good karma your way, CLICK HERE!!! 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Hannibal Lector could learn a thing or two from my kid.

Every once in a while, a child is born.  One whom is born with pure wit and awesomeness of which cannot be learned.  This is a story of such a child.  And her name is Jasmyn...



"Mommy,  I can't stop looking at this zombie picture.  Look at all the ketchup they used.  I want some fries." 




Jasmyn (on Neil Patrick Harris):  Mommy, do you know how old he is?

Me:  Like Mommy's age I guess...  Mid 30s?

Jasmyn:  Oh...  I guess I'm too young for him since I'm 6.



We go to Medieval Times a few times a year.  Jasmyn is picked as Queen of the Tournament 85% of the time.  I think it's mind control. 


Jasmyn:  Mom, I bet I can guess your email password.  Is your password "I Love Mannequins 2932"?



Look at those smiles!!


Eddie:  Jazzy, can you please get me a bottle of water?

Jasmyn:  We are all out of bottles.  So I brought you some of this fresh sink water instead.



In a fight between Jasmyn and Chuck Norris, my money would be on Jasmyn.


Jasmyn (on the healthiness of donuts):  If donuts are junk why does it say 0 grams? See! 0 grams. That's how healthy donuts are.



Her hockey skills are legendary.  Mostly the part where she pulls the shirt over her sister's head and tries to punch her.



Jasmyn:  Daddy, I wanna take karate, but I kinda already know it. And I don't even know why...


Beware World...  She's coming to get you.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Am I too late for VALentine's Day wishes? Of course not! I'm VALerie!

So, this is my VALentine's Day post.  I hope you all had a gloriously spectacular one!!  I know.  It's a wee bit late, due to the fact that our computer was being a douche for the last 2 weeks.  But I've got a new computer now.  And shit just got real.

It's hard to see because my stupid old ass phone doesn't have a flash, but I'm Smeyesing.  Which I learned from watching an episode of America's Next Top Model on a drunkenly lonely Sunday afternoon.


Let me, for a moment, Marty McFly you back in time to when I was a wee little lad.  Once upon a time, my crazy schizophrenic aunt believed that VALentine's day was my own personal holiday.  To celebrate, she used mail me unusual gifts, ranging anywhere from balloons and that day she technically kidnapped me and bought me ice cream, to a box filled with rotten oranges covered in glitter and perfume.

It looked exactly like this...  Except it was an orange... And it was moldy and rotten.  Oh, and it was covered in perfume.  I still, to this very day, blame my allergic reactions to perfume on her and her boxes of love.


Explains a lot about me, doesn't it?  Sometimes I think Eddie is just sitting around waiting for me to start hearing voices from Jesus that tell me to paint a stranger's house pastel colors.(True fucking story by the way.  Like I said, she was nuts.  I mean, not many people get restraining orders from churches and mailmen.)

And then Jesus was all "See the Miller family?  Yea...  I'm gonna need you to go ahead and paint their house.  Please use pastel colors.  Reminds me of Easters."


But I digress...  This year for VALentine's Day, I went with some friends to play Sex Toy Bingo.  Because, honestly...  What says Happy VALentine's Day better than free porn and dildos?!?!  Let me answer that for you:  NOTHING!!!

Don't worry, motherfuckers...  Eddie was totally okay with me going out on a holiday obviously dedicated to me.  We actually went out last night to a lovely dinner.  In case you were wondering...

Mystery Guest Star...  The Invisible Man.


Anyway, before hitting up the spot where we were to play bingo, we first went to probably the coolest bar I've ever been to.  No, seriously...  With every beer purchased, you get a ticket for free pizza.

No.  Seriously... The Fucking pizza was FREE!!!!  Live Free, Die Hard MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!


I'm sorry.  Did you hear me?  I said...  FREE.  FUCKING.  PIZZA.  And it was free fucking delicious pizza.  And Valerie was VERY happy.  Until she went to go pee...  Then she was ecstatic.  Because she made a friend.

I made a mannequin friend in the bathroom, guys!!

I.  Made.  A.  Mannequin.  Friend.  In.  The.  Bathroom.

First impressions mean everything.  Which is why I peed in the toilet, and not my pants.  Because I'm a LADY!


I know...  I sorta freaked out too.  My friends could barely get me out of the bathroom.  But they finally did and we were able to make it to the promised land.  We were able to make it to Sex Toy Bingo. 

I tried to steal his parts, but they were bolted on.  I'm not too proud to admit this.  I was a wrench away from owning a mannequin leg.  But I'll be back, motherfuckers...  I'll be back.


So, on to Sex Toy Bingo.  Which was a FUCKING BLAST!!!  But, SPOILER ALERT:  I didn't win a fucking THING!!!

Even though I was Master of the Boards.  Like He-Man and shit. 


But luckily, although I did not win, I have some very good friends who will accompany me to the Toy Store (wink wink) to get whatever my little heart desires...  Which is probably some fucked up Star Trek porn and handcuffs.  I'm easy like that.  

Don't act surprised...


Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Is it weird the Mannequin Store people know me by name?

What am I thinking of!!  It's me we're talking about here!!



Stop me if you've heard this one!!!!!



OMG...  Please make her stop



Last time I was there, they let me walk around... Without supervision. Unfortunately Eddie was all "I will not take pictures of you doing inappropriate things with mannequins." And, to be honest, I was way too excited and overwhelmed with pure joy.

Think of the excitement of a kid in a toy store... Now multiply that by infinity.


I feel like I'm being followed...



So... Then this happened.  



I want to adopt them all!!!



Still a better love story than Twilight.




Next time I visit, I will have to bring a friend that doesn't mind getting arrested with me. Eddie has agreed to stand by with bail money. Like... Well, like he does on most of my outings. We don't have an "Emergency Bail Fund for Valerie's Shenanigans" treasure box of jewels and rich stuff for nothing!!!



Tomfoolery, Shenanigans, Hijinx.  I gots it all covered.


Sunday, February 10, 2013

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.


Before I share this story with you, I need you to click HERE and play this song in the background whilst reading.  It's called ambiance, bitches!!!  Because you fucking deserve it.  You're welcome! 

I cannot explain the pure excitement I felt when I went to get some ice cubes for my delicious Shakeology chocolate shake and saw this...


Sara?  Sara Connor?


You see it right?!? It's the motherfucking end of Terminator 2 in my motherfucking freezer!!!! You know... The part where Arnold is being lowered into the lava. Here... Lets compare footage.


Death of the Cyberdyne Systems Model 101


Death of the Ice Cube Terminator


I really don't see a difference here.


For as long as i could remember, I had always suspected a battle was being fought in my freezer. I mean, sometimes shit would fly out when I opened the door. Other times, food would be missing. Yes, I had always suspected something was awry. But I never realized it would be of this magnitude.



The ice cubes rose from the ashes of the nuclear Winter. Their war to exterminate the frozen peas had raged for decades, but the final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present. Tonight... 


Exactly like this... But, with more ice.

There is a fight for survival happening people... Keep close stock of what you have in the freezer. And be sure to buy extra peas.