Thursday, March 28, 2013

Lindsay Lohan makes a shitty Tooth Faery and other stories of our times

Jasmyn, my 6 year old, lost a tooth last week (or so).  When a child loses a tooth in our house, intake from the Tooth Faery is $5.

Well...  It wasn't her first tooth.  But, you get the idea.

Remember when it was a quarter?!?!  I do...  And that's how I know I'm getting old.  Because I can say shit like "I remember when the Tooth Faery used to leave me a fucking quarter.  And we were grateful!!!!  God damn spoiled kids nowadays." 

If you were thinking the same thing.

In case you don't know how the world of Tooth Faeries work, every family is assigned one.  Apparently ours is the Lindsay Lohan of the Tooth Faery world.  Jasmyn left her tooth in the assigned area and went to bed, dreaming of sugar plums and $5 bills.  She awoke to pure disappointment.  

Lindsay...  Wake up.  It's time to pick up children's teeth.  

Nah man...  I got time.

The fucking tooth was still there.

Wait...  What was I supposed to be doing?


And this isn't the first time that this has happened.

Once the same thing happened to Alyssa.  The next day, she was so upset, that we had to trick Tooth Faery Lohan.  We blacked out the windows with sheets and stuffed a fake Alyssa under the blankets.  The tooth was left in plain sight next to the bed.  

Seriously, Lindsay.  Get it together.

When Alyssa came home from school that day, the $5 was there and the tooth was gone.  It was a miracle.  Or, it may have been the "special treat" we left next to the tooth...  AKA a shot of whiskey.

How to attract the Tooth Faery.

We had the awkward talk with our kids early on that our assigned Tooth Faery was a bit of a flake, to say the least.  I can only hope that she retires after our family and does not disappoint any other children in the future.

P.S.  If you haven't already, please vote for my blog on the League of Funny Bitches!!!   PLEASE?!?!  For the love of all that's holy!!  Don't make me beg.  It's the last night to vote, for the love of Gods!!!

Ok...  Now I'm begging.  Now, CLICK HERE and scroll down a bit for my blog.  And when you're done, vote again.  Because you can vote as often as you like!!  (hint! hint!)

Thanks guys!!!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Tijuana... Where tequila flows like water and I am a God.

Remember that time no one but my mom wanted me to go to Tijuana by myself?  But my mom had one rule?

That awkward moment when you drink tequila with Mexicans in Tijuana because that was the one thing your mom told you not to do.

Spoiler alert:  She was a wee bit peeved for, like, a minute.  Then she laughed her ass off.  

I stepped off the bus into Tijuana alone.  There were other people on the bus.  Sure.  But I hadn't made friends with anyone yet.  So there I was.  In Mexico.  All alone.  What was I to do?!?  

Duh!  TACOS!!!!

They don't look like much.  Mostly because fruits and veggies are hella expensive in Tijuana since they have to be imported.  But take my word for it.  They were yum.  But not as yum as the chips and salsa.  I don't think that there is anything more delicious than real Mexican salsa.  

Well, that's a lie.  They had margaritas!!!   At first I was all, "Maybe I shouldn't because there's ice in it.  And I don't want to poo on the plane home."  But then I was all, "Fuck that!  I bet those margaritas are the shit!!!"  So I ordered one.  And I shit you not, they brought me two instead of one.  They brought me two margaritas instead of one.

It's like Tijuana was expecting me.


After my liquid courage, I was all set to explore!!  They gave us 2 hours before we had to be back at the bus.  So I was off to find a donkey show and some tequila!

As it turns out, you guys were right.  There are no donkey shows in Tijuana.  Hell, they don't even sell t-shirts that say "Tijuana Donkey Show".  I promptly alerted the shop keepers that they were missing out!  Who wouldn't buy a t-shirt from Tijuana that says that?!?!  

And that's when a Mexican named David proposed to me on the street in front of his little shop.  He even kissed my hand and got down on one knee.  I told him no, of course.  I don't think Eddie would be too keen on me bringing home a Mexican husband from Tijuana.  Especially since I already broke the rule where I wasn't supposed to drink tequila with Mexicans. 

But it was totally ok, guys!  That guy was the bartender in the restaurant.  Totally legit!!  And did you see his mustache?!?!  

Jesus H. Christ.  It's fucking epic.  Look at it!!  Look at it in all its glory!!!!  How do you not do a shot of tequila with that mustache?!?! 

Ok.  So the donkey show was out.  Next on my list?  Get my hands on some authentic Mexican tequila!!  Off to the liquor store!!

Which just so happened to be the coolest place ever...

When the shop owner of a Tijuanan liquor store asks you if you would like to taste test tequila, you say yes RAY!!!

 So.......  After 5 shots of different tequilas, I finally decided on one.  Don't judge me!!

I had to be sure I was getting the right one!!  When am I going to get a chance like this again?!?

Conversation between me and the shop owner whose name I can't remember which has nothing to do with my tequila intake I'm just really bad with names:

Shop Owner (We'll call him Todd):  (after the 5 shots of tequila)  You really like tequila, huh?

Me:  Yes.  I fucking love tequila.  

Todd:  You should probably visit here again.  And bring your friends.  It's not as bad as the news says.  We haven't had anyone killed here in over a week.

Me:  I will be sure to spread the word, my good man!

Todd:  I like you...  I'm gonna throw in a free shot glass.

Me:  That's a big shot glass...

Todd:  This is a Mexican shot glass...  And I'm sure you can handle it.

I'm an honorary Tijuanan now, motherfuckers!!!

I was headed back to the bus when I came across an artsy shop that was a bit different than the other touristy ones.  There were murals all over the walls and it was pretty fucking fabulous.  Inside I found a really cool domino set that I wanted to get Eddie.  Now, I'm usually not a barterer.  But I was perhaps a little buzzed by this point and decided to give it a try.  I talked the man who looked like Santa down from $75 to $40.  

I.  Was.  So.  Proud.

And that's when I met Pablo, the artist who did the murals on the walls outside.  He was just chillin...  Drinking tequila.  I was quite excited to meet a Pablo, as it is one of my favorite names.  So then Pablo was all, "Well then.  You must do a shot with me."

I did a shot of tequila with a Mexican artist named Pablo.  That shit is going on my tombstone.  

At this point, you may be thinking to yourself, "Valerie, did you make it back to the bus on time?!?"  Have a little faith, motherfuckers!!  Not only did I make it back to the bus on time, I made it with time to spare.

What was I to do in the 10 minutes that I had left?!?

MORE MARGARITAS!!!!  That's what's up.  And they brought me two more.  Because they could smell the awesome on me.  Or tequila.  Which is pretty much the same thing.

So I drank one...  And just as I was trying to finish the last one, the bus driver brought me a to-go cup.  

I got to tour the rest of the city with my margarita in hand.

The rest of the bus trip was pretty fun.  And to make it more amazing, I made friends with a couple from Canada and an older couple from Pennsylvania.  

I put my sneakers in the ocean.  I was trying for just my hand, but waves are very trixy.

I found the border and was going to sneak over.  But the Canadians were all, "Nah, man... Nah."

Tijuana happens to love Abe Lincoln.  Who would have guessed...  (Also, I can't figure out how to turn the pictures around on this new computer.  So, just slant your head to the left to enjoy!!!)

There are literally houses EVERYWHERE in Tijuana.  It's kinda crazy!! 

And that's when it happened.  I saw the Mexican Batman keeping watch.  Because he's the hero Tijuana deserves.

This is where the trip ended...  It was back to America!!  Just as an FYI.  Customs sucks donkey dick.

Two hours waiting in line.  Mother.  Fuckers.

Luckily, the older Pennsylvanian couple were nice enough to give me a lift to the airport.  They didn't want me taking a cab...

Conversation between me and my mom upon her finding out I took a ride from strangers:

Mom:  Are you crazy?!?  Well, I know your crazy!  But are you crazy?!?  They could have abducted you...   Don't you watch tv??!!!?!

Me:  Mom!  It's ok.  I had shank brush in my bag.  And they were old.  There's no way they could have taken me!!!

Mom:  Oh... Ok then.  

Mild Mannered Brush Brush By Day

Superhero Shank By Night.  (Super thanks to Rainer who gave me the gift that keeps on giving!!)

And as it turned out, they built a statue in my honor...  Maybe...

Looks just like me.  Kind of.  If you squint your eyes and slant your head...

P.S.  If you haven't already, please vote for my blog on the League of Funny Bitches!!!   PLEASE?!?!  For the love of all that's holy!!  Don't make me beg.

Ok...  I'm begging.  Now, CLICK HERE and scroll down a bit for my blog.  And when you're done, vote again.  Because you can vote as often as you like!!  (hint! hint!)

Thanks guys!!!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

This blogpost is brought to you by Smilex

Before I get into some smiles to get you through Monday, I just wanted to give you all a quick update on Zero.  He is doing SPLENDIDLY!!!  Today he even made it down and up our deck steps without any help!!  He is truly awe inspiring!  We love him so much and are so happy with his progress!  Thank you all again for all your happy thoughts!

Zero on the way home from the vet...  He lost 8 lbs the hard way.

Z and Eddie all snuggles.

Recuperating by the fire. 

And now I bring to you a lil sumthin sumthin to get you through tomorrow.  Because if you're anything like me, you'll need all you can get to battle Monday, my archnemesis.  

Let's start off with a hilarious video with Hobbits, shall we?!?

And now on to the rest of the smiles.   Be sure to put some in your pocket for the upcoming week!

Who doesn't love Patrick Stewart?!?!

I can't really answer why I laughed at this for 5 minutes straight. 

Or this...

This is me every day of summer.

And this is what happens to my uterus every 28 days or so.  It's like Saving Private Ryan in there, I'm sure.

I want to beat him with a sock full of butter.

Totally nailed it.

I must hug this cat until he scratches my eyes out.

Every day of my fucking life.  Try it.  You'll see how much better you feel.

Nothing will ever be better than this picture.  Not.  Ever.

Have a fantastic Monday, motherfuckers!!  I won't actually be at work tomorrow.  I have the day off to take Zero to the vet.  I'll be thinking about you all!!!  Ok...  I'll actually probably be watching tv and napping.  But, I'm sure I'll think of you all at some point.  Especially if you leave me a comment to remind me.  Seriously though... I have a gods aweful memory.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Sometimes you get to go to San Diego and pretend to be a spy.

San Diego is a beautiful place.  I wish I got to see more of it.  Unfortunately, I was there on super secret spy business and had no time to gallivant. 

Ok.  Not really.  But it sounds so much better than "insurance convention".  Oh my god.  Please forget I said that.  In fact, lets go back to super secret spy business.  Which is partly true, since I pretended I was a spy anyway.

As it turned out, the resort I was staying at was also having a convention for spiritual healing hosted by Deepak Chopra.  The conversations overheard were pretty fucking hilarious.  Seriously...  I would just sit around and eavesdrop using my super awesome spy skills.  

Here are the top 3 best of the trip for your enjoyment:

#3.  There was a time in my life when I was really addicted to bratwurst.

#2.  I once dated a rodeo clown.  He was brave and courageous.  But it ended after I caught him sleeping with another girl in a parking lot.

#1.  I never did find that nude beach.  As it turns out...  And I found this out years later...  The nude beach was never there.  I was just really high.

I'm gonna give you a moment to catch your breath.  Cuz that's some funny shit right there.  And while I'm doing that, I'm going to give you a travel tip that I learned the hard way.  Should you be in a contest at work that requires you to wear a pedometer, don't.  Just DON'T.  Because you will forget to take it off, and you will get stopped by airport security...  And they will take it from you in gloved hands as if it were a bomb.  And then, when you get it back, you won't secure it properly.  Causing it to fall off in the busiest part of the airport as people are trying to board planes and shit.  Then, they will not help you pick it up.  But instead kick it around like that scene in Indiana and the Temple of Doom with the antidote in the nightclub...   Which I could not find a video for, oddly enough.  But this one will give you an idea of how I felt.

And now, without further ado, I shall bring you the San Diego leg of my trip in pictures.  Because I like picture books...  And I'm sure you do too.

In fact, who the fuck doesn't like picture books?!?  

I danced among the palm trees and became a legend.  They accepted me as their own.

I soon came to find out, that that's not always a good thing.  Those fuckers will stalk the shit out of you.

There was a fucking fantastic looking slide at my hotel.  But, alas, I was not prepared for such an adventure...  As the jet lag I faced would not allow me to shave my legs.

Me and Scooby found the perfect spot to get some sun and read our books.  I'm reading the new Joe Hill, and Scooby is reading a book on orgasms.  True Story.

Sometimes there is a thing as too many choices of beer.  But if you ask for free samples, it turns out to be okay.

They gave me free alcohol here.  I don't think there's anything else to say about that.  Free.  Alcohol.

Firepit Level:  BOSS

If you are ever taken out to a fancy restaurant, and they give you sorbet to cleanse your pallet, be sure to ask the flavor of said sorbet before putting the entire thing in your mouth.  It is NOT a Rita's Icey.  And it may very well be grapefruit flavored.  And you will then need to spit the sorbet into your napkin, much to the delight of your dinner associates.  And then they will know that you are not fancy.  Even though your pants are.

Always be mindful of turning corners in restaurants.  For sometimes they have a large biker painting next to the bathroom.  And it may frighten you.  And you may scream like a girl...  Much to the delight of your dinner associates. 

This is probably the best thing I've ever seen written on a bathroom wall...  Okay...  Besides that really funny limerick I once saw in North Carolina.  Oh, and the number of the skankiest skank I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.

These fucking palm trees are everywhere.  And I think they're mad that I couldn't take them home with me.  No, really.  Look at how angry they are.

And sometimes you find the door to Tijuana in the back of an artsy fartsy shop.  But I'll save that adventure for next time...

It was a great trip, motherfuckers...  Next blog post?  How I became a Goddess in Tijuana...  And other stories of our times.

P.S.  Thank you all again for your well wishes for Zero.  He made it through surgery like a champ today.  He lost 8 lbs the hard way...  By having his leg amputated.  But he's doing well.  We will be picking him up tomorrow.  I can't wait to see our boy!!  The house is so empty without him!