Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Z is for ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The letter Z has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!!


Finally!  We are at the last letter!!  I am exhausted and in need of a good laugh.  So, before we all hit the hay, here are some things that made me chuckle this week.


It's all makes sense now.

I laughed for a good 5 minutes.

Every.  Fraking.  Time.

Meanwhile, I want this life.
 
Yup.

HAHAHA!

I love Mother Nature.

HE WAS SO CLOSE!!!

No Dog For You.

Gets me EVERY TIME!

It's true...  I want to eat everything.  I hate you, Diet.


And most importantly, you're gonna want to click on THIS LINK.  I think I found Jasmyn's placenta minions...

Monday, April 29, 2013

Y is for You Totally Asked for It... And by It, I mean Placentasaurus

The letter Y has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!!


Let me start off with a disclaimer...  If you are easily grossed out by things coming out of vaginas and destroying small cities, then you may want to go ahead and skip this post.  If you just thought to yourself whilst reading the last sentence "Gnarley!", then by all means, proceed.


In case you don't know how the placenta is attached to the baby, here is a creepy picture illustrating just that.


If I had to choose which pregnancy I enjoyed more, it would have to be Jasmyn's.  Not only did I already know what to expect since she was my second, but with Alyssa I was put on bed rest early on.  Now, when I first heard I was going on bed rest, I was super siked.  I mean...  No work?!?  Relaxing all day?!?  Oh heck to the yea! 


But unfortunately, it was really not that fun at all.  In fact, it was a bit horrible.  I mean, how many episodes can one watch of Maury Povich looking for baby daddies before going insane?!?


And dance off that stage!!


The answer to that, by the way, is 42.


Yea, bed rest wasn't really my thing.  Also, since all I could really do was lay around all day and eat, it's exactly what I did.  Because when you're pregnant with your first kid, you pretty much figure all the weight gained will fall out of your vagina right after the baby.  


It doesn't.


So, when people start bringing you food in bed whilst you yell at your husband who is tied to the bed and dressed as Princess Leia as a slave, it's pretty safe to say that you just went full Jabba.

BRING ME MORE FOOD!!!


No, my second pregnancy was by far the easier of the two.  No hiccups.  Gained the appropriate amount of weight.  My nose didn't get fat.  It was glorious as a pregnancy could possibly be.  Even the birth was ok.  


For all you gals out there who may be pregnant with your first, let me give you a tip.  When you're freaking out in the hospital because you don't want to feel any pain, do not lie to the epidural guy and say you can still feel everything and make him give you another.  Because you won't be able to feel your legs.  Which may be fine at first, but when they have to call in an extra nurse to hold up your massive Jabba thigh and you have to push for hours, it won't be worth it.  No, not at all.


Yes, Jazzy's birth was right on cue.  And I popped out a healthy 9 lb old man...  Well, she looked like an old man at first...  Or, a potato...   


Fact: most babies come out looking like Benjamin Buttons.


And then it came time to push out the placenta.  


Usually, placenta birth isn't too bad.  A push or two and your all done.  Hell, with Alyssa I don't even remember that part.  But with Jasmyn it was quite the opposite.  With Jasmyn I had to outright push that monster out.  


There was actually a moment when I thought I was going to give birth to another baby.


And suddenly....  PLOP!  There it went.  Birthed right into the bedpan.  I was just about to rest my eyes for a moment when I heard the doctor say, "WOW!!  Look at the size of that thing!!"  My heart stopped...  


Dear Lord...  Was she talking about my vagina?!?


As I soon discovered as she lifted the placenta bowl high over her head so that I may gander at it's magnificence, she was indeed talking about placenta.  Which was, at that moment hanging over the sides of the bowl due to the largeness of it.

Dramatic Reenactment


That's when she started calling nurses over to see it.  If I were in my right mind and my vagina was not out for everyone to see, I would have charged a fare, just as a proper Carnie would. 


Yes, Nurse.  Come forward...  TO YOUR DOOM!!!!


But I was too horrified to be clever.  In my mind, the thing had already flopped over and attached itself to the doctor's face, sucking her eyes out...  As the room panicked.  The nurses would try to help the dying doctor...  But, alas, it would be too late.  The new blood would just make it grow.  Like that movie, The Blob.  They would be dead in a manner of seconds.  Feeding the Evil that would soon destroy the world.  Feeding the end of life as we know it...


I mean, we are talking about Jasmyn's placenta.  There is no way that thing wouldn't be all about world domination...


Fly, you fools!!!


"Are you going to keep it?"  The Doctor said, jarring me back to reality.  

"No...  You...  You can have it if you want."  I responded, quite surprised.

"Oh THANK YOU!!!"  She exclaimed as she put it on the side, saving it for poking with sticks later after her shift was over, no doubt.


There are not many things I regret in my life.  But, when I look back, I wish I had kept it.  Oh the fun I could have had with it...  


I could have planted it in the backyard, growing a new species of plant.

I could have invented the game Placenta Attack.  Which is just like Platypus Attack.  Except instead of hitting people in the face with a stuffed platypus, it would be a ginormous placenta.

I could have frozen it and kept it until Jasmyn started to date...  Then feed it to her boyfriends as patte.  They would be all, "Jasmyn's mom.  This is really good stuff.  What is it?"  And I would respond with a coy smile and a "Oh.  That's just Jasmyn's placenta from when she was born.  Just remember that if you try to hurt her.  She's in you now...  Gods help your soul."

Placenta Bear...  Will eat your soul.


Oh, the fun to be had!!!


Also, because I'm a good person, CLICK HERE to see jokes about Tom Cruise eating a placenta.  You're welcome.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

X is for X Marks The Spot... On my face

The letter X has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!


Ok.  Now, before you go any further, I must tell you that this post is not about porn.  So stop being a pervert.


Now that that's said and done...


I went to a spa today for a facial that I got off of Groupon.  Groupon is probably the best thing ever.  I mean seriously.  I live for their morning emails to tell me what's what.  


However, this time I did have a bit of a problem.  As it turns out, the chick that did my facial really likes to do extractions.  For those of you that have never had a facial before, there's a part when all of your pores will be squeezed and scraped with a tiny scythe.  Yes, it's as horrible as it sounds.  And pretty gross.


So imagine my excitement when the lady started showing me what she got out.  She was all "Oh.  This one is a big one.  LOOK AT IT!!"  I think she might have saved it.  It was like Jazzy's placenta all over again.  


What?  You don't know the Jazzy placenta story?  Hmmm...  Well, I may have to share that with you one day.


Anyway, now my skin looks like that of a high schooler before Proactive was invented.  It's red and blotchy and hurts a bit.


Meh, at least the massage was good.  Until that awkward moment she massaged my butt and I flipped out into a giggle fit.  I have a very ticklish hiney.  


I think I ruined the happy ending I was probably gonna get. 

Friday, April 26, 2013

W is for Wreck it VAL!!!

The letter W has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!!


As background, my brother and his wife recently bought a house... which my brother wants to fix up.  The problem is that they are currently staying with my mom and dad whist the house is being worked on... by my brother.  Oh, did I mention that they have a 4 year old?  And, did I mention that my parents' place is really small.  OH!  And did I also mention that my sister-in-law is 7 months pregnant?

You can see the dilemma here.

So, when I got this text, my kinder, gentler side took over.

If you're having trouble reading this, basically it says that my brother invited me to a demolition party.  Then made me actually work.


Also, I've been looking for an excuse to buy a sledgehammer for a while...  And this was just the reason I've been searching for.

So, there I was, in the middle of Lowes Home Improvement Store, buying the best sledgehammer I could find...  When the following conversation took place between me and a Lowes employee.


Lowes Guy:  Wow.  I see you have a big sledgehammer.  What will you be doing this weekend?

Me:  Oh You know...  Tearing shit down and getting some frustrations out...  As.  I.  Tear.  Shit.  Down.  *slightly hysteric giggles*

Lowes Guy:  Oh... Ok... Well....  *walks away quickly to different section of the store*


As it turns out, if you walk around a store dragging a sledgehammer behind you and giggling, people will, in fact, ask you if you're ok...  and they will also question your weekend plans.

Yea, I'm kinda excited about beer and sledgehammer Friday.  But who wouldn't be?!?!



But whatever.  Luckily they can't arrest me for buying a sledgehammer, a crow bar and asking about bandit masks.  So I was good!


And then, after a beer or two, we were ready to get to work on our demolition party!!!

See that behind me?  That used to be a wall.  But it is no more!!!

As it turns out, I got a little too giddy with the sledgehammer, and my brother totally took it away from me and gave me a crowbar...  Because they "weren't adding on an addition and I can't afford to put new siding on when you break through the wall."  

Sigh...

See those dots?  those aren't mystical "orbs."  Or what the paranormal researchers believe are actually ghosts.  No, my friends,  I'm pretty sure that's asbestos.

The only problem with demolition is that after you knock it all down, you need to clean it all up.  Also, when you pull walls and installation down, the dust particles WILL attack you...  And mostly in your eyes and epidermis. 



"Come help me tear down walls," he said...


"It'll be fun,"  he said....

But we totally made it through like troupers, and had lots of laughs along the way!

You are totally welcome, Christopher.  You also owe me a life debt since I most likely have contracted the Black Lung from helping you today.

That's right...  A life debt.  Or else I'll put this sledgehammer to good use.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

V is for VICTORY... And it tastes just as sweet as the milk straight from the teet of a Unicorn.

The letter V has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!


First off, NO!  I did not beat level 65 of that game put here on Earth by Satan himself. 


This isn't a post about that.  Because I'm still playing that game.  And I'm pretty sure I'll be playing that level straight into the summer...  Unless someone can stop me.  


(I'm looking at you, Misty.  You promise me...  If I'm still playing this game when I come visit you in June, you pinky promise me that you will take my phone and ipad away and delete them...  Then give me lots of liquor and let me cry it out.  I'll need hugs as well...  Lots and lots of hugs.)


But I digress...  


V is for Victory...  Which is obviously a synonym of Valerie.  Because we created a new game in our house.  And by "we" I mean "I".  I, of course, am thus far the reigning champ!!!!  


Because I'm awesome.


The name of the game is "Platypus Attack".  Are you surprised?  You probably aren't.  Anyway, the rules of the game are simple.  You have to catch someone off guard and yell "PLATYPUS ATTACK!!" at the top of your lungs.  Then you have to throw a stuffed platypus at them.  If you hit them, you win!  If they catch it, you lose.  


As you can imagine, I've been running around the house all night like a fool, throwing platypi at everyone.  I think the game is catching on though.  


Beware the wicked, wicked platypus.  For he attacks in the most ruthless manner!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

U is for UN-FRIGGIN-BELIEVABLE!!!! Level 65 of Candy Crush is the 9th Level of Hell.

The letter U has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!!


Dear Diary,

This is unbelievable.  It has been weeks...  and I cannot beat it.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to do it.  I just want to be done.  I just want to go on with my life.

I have been stuck on level 65 of Candy Crush for nearly a month now.  I play for hours a day, hoping to beat it.  I sometimes think that the game actually wants me to win and gives me all the good pieces...  The wrapped candy, the stripes, the donut.  Then at the very last minute, it thinks "SIKE!!!"  And yells it all away.  

Why did I ever download this game??

THESE THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!!!

Today at work, I actually told people that I couldn't go out with them because I had an errand to run...  I hid in my car and played Candy Crush. 

Last night I got it down to 1 jelly...  ONE.  FRIGGIN.  JELLY.  Then I ran out of moves.  I nearly threw my iPad out of the window.  

I can't go on like this.  I need my life back.  I also need to find the creator of this game and beat the ever-loving piss out of them

I think I just need one moment.  One brave, clear-headed moment when I'm not waiting for a life or begging people to send me one.   And in that moment, I need to delete that horrid game.  Once and for all.

Help me, Dear Diary.  You're my only hope...

Hugs,

Valerie

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

T is for Tidying up the Ol' Family Truckster

The letter T has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!


I won't lie to you.  96% of the time, my car is absolutely disgusting.  I don't know how it gets that way.  Every time I clean it out, I vow I won't let it get gross again.  I vow to go to the car wash regularly.  I vow to throw things in the garbage, rather than just on the floor.  I vow that things will be different this time!


But it never happens.  


Ever.


I think the convenience of tossing an empty water bottle or Dunkin Donuts receipt on the floor is just easier than finding out what the heck my kids did with the trash bag.  Because, apparently hiding the trash bag is a real game in my family.

Dramatic Reenactment


Once, there was a foul smell in my car.  A funk so horrific that I was actually forced to roll down all windows upon entering the vehicle in order to not dry heave.  It was obvious that something had crawled in there and died.  And being a responsible adult, I whined about it for a week before actually investigating.  


Me:  Why won't that smell go away?!?

Alyssa:  Because you have to clean you car, mommy.  It's the only way.

Me:  UGH!!  But I don't WANNA!!!  Where could the smell be coming from?!?  All I have in here are old receipts and empty water bottles.  I bet something died.  

Alyssa:  I bet that the smell is coming from that Dunkin Donuts cup... that has been in here all month.  Don't you take milk in your coffee?  Milk smells when let it get old.

Me:  You're SO SMART!  I shall throw out this cup, thus solving the problem...  And not actually have to clean the car! *Skips off to the house*


Much to my disappointment, that was not the source.  So, sadly, I was forced to clean the Family Truckster.  I bet you're wondering what the smell was.  Go on, admit it.  You want to know.  Ok, I'll tell you.  But you have to promise that you won't get all judgy judgerson on me.  Go ahead...  Make the vow.

I wish this is what I found in my car...  But it wasn't.


Ok.  As it turns out, the smell was coming from my lunch sack that I had thrown in the way-back of the car...  And totally forgot about.  Unfortunately, this happened on a day where I had not eaten all my lunch.  I had brought in celery and cream cheese that day.  


Oh yes...


And the smell wasn't even coming from the cream cheese, which one would thing would stink to high heaven.  Nay, my friends.  That cream cheese had hardened in the heat.  It was August, you see...  And temperatures had hit 100 degrees.  The cream cheese had actually hardened, creating a smell-free layer that was brown and moldy.  


Way to go cream cheese!!!


The culprit was none other than the celery!!!  Apparently, when celery meets extreme heat situations, as a defense mechanism it turns completely into green water that smells of death.  It's probably also what happens to Swamp Thing when he doesn't get enough water and sunshine. 

It's a little known fact that Swamp Thing actually started from celery goo.  So, you're welcome.


So, my friends, the moral of the story here is to never leave food in your car.  Because it will force you to have to air it out and throw out a perfectly good lunch sack. 


It is, however, perfectly acceptable to keep non-food items in your vehicle at all times.  I like to create a nest on the passenger side floor.  So my visitors are always comfy and their feet are always nestled.  Because I care.

This is how much I love Eddie...  So much that I hug his feet with inanimate objects every time we go somewhere. 

Monday, April 22, 2013

R & S are for I am Really Sorry... for being a Slacker!!

The letters R & S have been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!!


Ok guys, here's the deal.  I am so sorry for being a slacker. My dad had a heart attack last week and was in the hospital.  Luckily, he is doing much better.  So, I just want to say thanks so much for the much needed love from you all!!!


And now on to some happiness.  What else does R and S stand for?  Well, I'm glad you asked!!  Because, I was probably gonna tell you anyway.  It stands for...  Really Stupid.  

I'm not saying it was stupid people...  But, it was stupid people.


Let's face it.  There are some really ridiculously stupid people out there.  People who, when you look at them, you suddenly feel like you could have a super important discussion with Stephen Hawking.


I just suddenly had an image in my head of me having a discussion with Stephen Hawking...  using sock puppets.  If I ever meet him, I'm gonna do it.  (Note to self:  Start carrying your sock puppet collection with you everywhere you go...  Because you never know when destiny will find you.)

Let's all hope that this isn't true.  With the state of the world, we may just run out of kittens.


So anyway, for your reading enjoyment, here are some pictures of people being really stupid.  Just one more reason to love the internet!!!  

Well, that and all the porn. 


I always knew they were. 



And then he had to keep his long sleeved shirt on...  Forever.


"Then I was like "BOOP"!

Fact


 
I want to meet this guy.


Exactly.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Q is for Quiet Time

The letter Q has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!


I'm about to be super lame... I'm so sorry. It been a horrid week.

Q is for quiet time. Lets all just reflect and snuggles.

Hugs!

Valerie

Thursday, April 18, 2013

P is for Paper Airplanes... Just kidding!! IT'S FOR PLATYPI!!!

The letter P has been brought to your by the A to Z Challenge!

BAD ASS!!!!  Like Samuel L. Jackson in the role of HIS LIFE!!!

The Magnificent Platypus is often overlooked. I am not sure as to why. I think it may be because, much like the sun, it is almost too glorious to gaze upon. 

The Platypus is only found in Australia, which screams awesome right off the bat. He cares not for any other place. Unlike many other species of animals that sell out so quickly to the advertisers to become fame whores, this majestic creature stays put on the eastern side of Australia. In fact, he is so bad ass that he shares the region of Tasmania with the almost equally bad ass Tasmanian Devil. Very few animals dare to challenge such a ferocious animal. I believe the only two ever recorded to do so are the Platypus and, of course, Bugs Bunny. 

Platypus!! FRIG Yea! Here to save the motherfriggin day!

Did you know that the Platypus is venomous? No, you probably didn't. I’ll give you a moment to let that settle in... ... ... ... ... The male has a fang like apparatus located on each hind leg. They are called spurs. I believe they are called this because part of the dna combination that went into the making of this animal was Cowboy. It is a little known fact that when you mix the makings of a Cowboy along with a cobra, you get a venomous spur on a foot. This would explain why only the male is venomous and also where this venom is located. Unfortunately, the Platypus was created before women’s liberation brought us the invention of the Cowgirl. Although very sad, recent groups of activists are working hard to rectify this injustice as soon as possible. If you would like to donate money to this gracious cause, please visit their website. 

Damn Straight.

The bizarre appearance of the platypus has shocked people since its discovery in 1798. Once considered a hoax, the Mighty Platypus rose above much racism to be worshiped as a God by some. Small tribes scattered throughout Australia continue to worship this magnificent specimen of mammal. A mix of duck, otter, snake, Cowboy, reptile, and beaver, the platypus is, indeed, a sight to see. In my recent interview with one of these infamous animals, I was amazed to see that, unbeknownst to many, the platypus actually has a glowing aura type beam that surrounds itself. Because of its god-like status, this beam can not be caught on film. 

He knows he's adorable... and deadly.

The mating ritual of the Platypus has rarely been seen. Living alone for most of their lives, they are known to congregate during the summer for their highly secretive mating rituals. Being a close friend, I was allowed to attend one of these mysterious pastimes last summer. Although I took a blood oath not to discuss this, I can say that it was as strange as it was spectacular; and, to this day, I still don’t know where they obtained that many feathers and tubes of KY lubricant. However, I am allowed to say that not only are the platypuses’ eggs amazing, they are also bedazzled by the parents within 32 hours of being laid in what has come to be known as the Ancient Ritual of Splendor. 

Behold the splendor.

I could go on for days about the Platypus, but we need to leave some of its magnificence to the imagination, or it would end up being as mysterious as your typical housecat. I hope that this entry helps you understand the brilliance that is the Platypus. Please go forward and love and accept the Mighty Platypus as he loves and accepts all of us.. 

Love and accept the Mighty Platypus as he loves and accepts all of us..

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

O is for Otters!!! Because they make my insides feel warm, like virgin's blood.

The letter O has been brought to you by the A to Z Challenge!!


When I was a teenager, back in the day, I worked at a zoo.  Every so often, our otter would escape her enclosure and we would get a call from the man who lived down the street.  Turns out, she really loved his in-ground pool.  

To this day, otters still make me squweeeeeee with joy.  As such, on this day of the letter O, I bring forth for your ocular enjoyment, OTTERS!!!!


If the movie Saving Private Ryan was made with otters.

I bet it would be just as funny.

SQUWEEEEEEEE Moment!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh.  My.  Gods...

I laughed for quite a bit at this one.

Otter puns.  You know I love em!!!

Is it weird that sometimes I feel this way about poo? 

Look at his wee little FACE!!!

Meh otter is meh.

teeheeeheee

Good day to you all!!!!