Thursday, July 25, 2013

Why I want to be a Chinchilla... in 500 words or less...

It's quite simple.  I'm not a big fan of showering.  All that water hitting me at once and the movement.  Then having to dry off and shit.  It's ridiculous.  It's not that I'm dirty; I'm just lazy.  (That was some awesome semicolon usage there.  Admit it.  It's ok.  Also, just so you know, this part totally doesn't count as part of the 500 words.  Because it's in those curved line thingies, which I can't think of their names right now.  You know...  The thingies you use to make happy or sad faces.  Yea.  Those.  Damn it, I need more sleep!!!)


Anyway...  Let's break down this whole "bathing" quandary, shall we?


Chinchillas bathe by rolling around in the softest dust powder that you can imagine.  No, really...  Close your eyes and think of it.  It's like touching heaven.

Chinchillas bathe in groups and it's not weird.  And there's never that next day awkwardness where you're like "Oh, hey.  About that bath thing last night.  Ummm...  I... gotta go."

Chinchilla family bonding happens in the dust bowl...  and the authorities aren't involved.

And also...  OMG!!!  It just looks like fun!!!

This is what happens to humans when they shower...  Sometimes.
Baths are not safe either.  Most of the time.  If it's not a burned, clawed killer, it's drowning in your sleep.

Sometimes showers turn you evil.  I think most serial killers decide that they will kill people whilst showering. 

When you try to shower with your friends, they throw shit at you.  And it's never loofah sponge giggles.  It's always something mean, like tampons or poo.

And this is absolutely worst case scenario.  But it can still happen.  Just so you know.
And then there's that pesky Kevin Spacey problem.

I'm not sure how many words that was, but I'm pretty sure I've proven my point in maybe about 500 words or so. 



If anyone needs me I'll be in that puddle of mud over there getting cleaned up. You're welcome, America.



 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

I may be crazy, but I think my Girl Mannequin Child may be living duel lives...

You read that and just thought to yourself, "This bitch is crazy."  Didn't you?!  ADMIT IT!! 


It's ok.  I am.


But not this time.  This time it's legit.  Because I have proof!!!  You all remember my Girl Mannequin Child right?  You know...  The one who I like to have girly photo sessions with!!!

Me and you, and you and me, Girl Mannequin Child. 

Her silly face beats mine.   Every.  Time. 

No, Seriously.  She's amazing at it.

This is our "Reaching for our Dreams" face.  Or "I'm Crapping my Pants Right Now."  You know, whatever.

Jersey Duck Faces.  LIKE A BOSS!!!

Worst family Selfie ever. 


Everything was going great.  Our relationship was perfect.  Hell...  She was even helping me pick out movies when I was bored...


What's that Girl Mannequin Child?? 

You are so right...  I haven't seen Children of the Corn in like forever!!!


But then she started acting a little off.  Just not all there.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but things were getting a little awkward.



See...  Just...  Awkward.

But I let it slide.  Because I'm a good person, guys.


And then I see this shit at the mall.

Are you fucking kidding me??  Really?!?  FOR A STORE CALLED AMERICAN APPAREL?!?  What were you thinking?!?  I gave you faery wings and beautiful headware.  And you sell me out for miss matched stockings and a hoodie??


I didn't want to believe it.  So I ran home to my Girl and this is what I find.


It's like she's not even trying to hide it.  And where did she get that second arm from??  Some dealer on the street??  I bet it's not even sanitized. 

The truth is in the leg, my friends.  Somebody was in a rush to get home.

But I have your number now Girl Mannequin Child.  

And I'll be watching you.  Let's see you get to the mall when I hide your legs.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

This is EXACTLY why they shouldn't give me liquor at movie theaters

Eddie and I went to go see The Conjuring at our local Dine-in theater.  These are the new AMC theaters which bring you food during the movie.  But, like, actual dinners.


And Alcohol.


They also have a bar there.


That's right a bar.


Did I mention that it was an early movie and when it let out the mall in which it was located in was still open?  And then Eddie was all "I'm going to run to the book store really quick."  To which I replied, "Ok.  I'm going to go walk around the mall then."


What followed was a series of drunk shopping texts to a friend that I will now share with you.  Because I apparently have no shame.


It really was "SO CUTE"!



But I didn't buy it.  Because I have self control.  Sort of.


The popcorn made me gassy.  PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME!!!
Ok.  Not as much self control as I originally thought.  I literally had to check my closet the next day.
This is the fountain at the mall.  Most people throw change in there for good luck.  I like to put my feet in there.  Because that's EXTRA good luck.
Popo never catch ninjas.  That's just a fact of Life.  It's true.  Ask George Clooney.

No, seriously you guys.  She didn't match at ALL.  White, tan and black STUDDED heels?!?!  What.  The.  Fuck.  Man.  THIS IS THE NEW JERSEY MALL!  Pull your shit together, girl!  I could see the pained look in her friend's face.  Like, she didn't know how to say the words.  So I helped her.  I could only imagine that this is how it would feel to stumble in on an intervention drunk and just lay all the shit out on the table.  I took one for America...  So that shit wouldn't happen ever again.

So...  As you can see, I should probably not be allowed to roam the malls drunk and alone anymore.  Or maybe, I should wear a cape when I do so...  


If...  If only Jasmyn didn't cut it up and hide it...  Like a gangster hiding Jimmy Hoffa.  Gods only knows were that damn thing is.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Remember the day that I became a gold medalist in Karate? Much like The Karate Kid... But Sexier. And with a Bear... A Sexy Bear.

Today, I'm going to tell you a story that happened not so long ago in a kingdom that was not all that far away.  In fact, it was only 45 mins with no traffic doing about about 75 mph.  BUT A RESPONSIBLE 75 MPH!!  


It's not like I speed often, if that's what you're insinuating.  


Ok...  Maybe a little bit.  But I keep up with the flow of traffic, people.  And I'm pretty sure that's a law too!!!  I should know.  I got a 100% on the written part of the driving exam back in high school.  


Don't worry about the driving part.  That means nothing.


Ok...  I failed it the first time.  Then, I cried like a baby.  The poor boy that let me borrow his car to take the test took me out for ice cream to make me feel better.  And to stop crying...  Maybe.


But that's neither here nor there...  Get ready for some awesome time travel!!!  But without the side effects of nauseousness or Time Lord babies. 


Back when I was a blond, Eddie and I made the journey to visit one of the most awesome people I know.  I’m talking, of course, about Nicole. The trek to Nicole’s house is not to be taken lightly, as she lives in the middle of the woods. If you remember correctly, it was on a trek home from here when I had a most unfortunate accident...  In.  My.  Pants.  


I wish I could live there too.  But that might be too fun for the world to handle; hence creating a break in the time/space continuum.  And we can’t have that, can we?
 

I drew you a picture of how the time/space continuum would be affected.  You're welcome.

Nicole and I decided we should visit a town nearby to enjoy the spring-like day.  The stores were all amazing!  Much like the TARDIS, they were bigger on the inside.  I found a fucking pair of Zombie Socks for Christ’s Sakes!!!  And a steampunk skull!!!  Could this place get any cooler?!?  Apparently it could, for the epicness of the town was about to bust my brain wide open with glitter and a rainbow of silly string…   Figuratively, of course.  Because if that REALLY happened, I would move there.  Immediately.  


Do not pass go.  Do not collect $200.

Enter the most adorable little antique store ever…

I would put this right outside my cubicle at work. To deter.. well, everyone really.
For voodoo.
For the measly price of $240, she can be MINE!!!
  
Conversation between me and Eddie:

Me:  Eddie… I NEED $5.

Eddie:  Why?

Me:  They are selling gold medals for Karate.  I want to be a champion.

Eddie:  ….. 

Me:  I’m the motherfucking Karate Kid. 

Eddie:  You are literally throwing this $5 away.

Me:  No, Eddie.  I’m saving your ass from future bullies.  No one will mess with you when they know your wife probably beats your ass with badass Karate skills.  Sweep the leg, Eddie..  Always sweep the leg.

Eddie:  sigh  *Hands $5 over*

And then… I became.. A FUCKING GOLD MEDALIST IN THE ANCIENT ART OF KARATE!!!! 

I should get up extra early tomorrow to practice my moves.. and catch flies with chop sticks and shit.

The rest of the day was used for showing off my awesome Karate skills…

Badass Motherfuckers.  Like Samuel L. Jackson and shit.

Look at the fear on the Bear's face... He knows Karate skills when he sees them.

Nicole's Ghost Agrees:  This is the best day ever!!!  Eddie's face does not agree.  But jealousy is an ugly thing, my friends.
 
Little Old Shop Lady:  Hi there!  Please let me know if I can help you with anything. 

Me:  Ok.  Thank you.

Little Old Shop Lady (upon noticing the Medal displaying my obvious talents):    DID YOU WIN A GOLD MEDAL IN KARATE?!?!

Me:  Yes!!! Yes I did!!! Today was a good day!!

Little Old Shop Lady:  Congratulations!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!

Me:  Thank you!!! 

Eddie:  (Leaves shop)

Nicole:  (Giggles in the corner)

Fact:  I taught Chuck Norris how to roundhouse kick.


Then Nicole, Eddie and I spent a combined amount of $61 dollars on candy. 


Everything here is edible.  Even we were edible.  But that, my friends, would be cannibalism.  And is frowned upon in most cultures.

We ended the glorious day by meeting up with Nicole’s man (the one and only Rainer).  We all went out for sushi so that I could show off my Very Important Award…  And also because everyone wanted sushi or something.  (Except Eddie.  But he had a cheeseburger and was very happy.)  


None of the people at the Japanese Restaurant commented on my Medal for Being Awesome at Karate, but they didn't have to.  There seemed to be a general understanding of its awesomeness.  It’s true.  I can just tell these things...
 

I'm ready, Chuck Norris... Let's do this.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

And the BAM! She comes out of hiding like a ninja!

I've really sucked lately.  I'm sorry about that!  Work has been nuts as well as  life in general.  I swear on all that is unholy that I will be back to my regular posting schedule starting this week.  


So in order to totally bribe to love me even though I've been a negligent douche, AND since I can't give you all your own individual hugs yet, I will do the next best thing.  I shall hug your soul with adorableness that you may not be able to handle as a whole.


Seriously, if you have small hearts or a generally grumpy demeanor, you may want to skip this post.


No.  Really.  You have been warned.


I want to introduce you to the new addition to the Nunez household.  He is a furry little beast whose name suits him so well that it's like the Gods picked it themselves...  


Meet Odd...


"He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles."

We all love Odd very much. 

And although we all still miss Zero so much that it hurts, it's nice to have some puppy company.

He really likes hiking.

And naps....

He also has a bit of a stuffed animal fetish

Did I mention he likes naps?

Naps and stuffed animals...

Aaaaaannnndddd naps.

We took him on a super fun hike with his sister, Gypsy...

He LOVED the water...

But, like, half way through, he was all "Fuck this Noise!!"

So we carried him...  FOR 2 MILES!!!
Did I mention puppies are heavy?

Never leave him alone with your stuffed animals.  Ever.  He's a thief!!

Also, never leave the water bowl unattended.  Because that shit will end up here.

Odd loves his sister, Punky Brewster...

I think it's because she likes naps too.

Odd LOVES shopping for new stuffed animals.

And... Naps.

But being this adorable is so exhausting...
Just ask Jasmyn...  She ought to know...