Thursday, August 29, 2013

I'm Leaving on a Unicorn and Headed to Pluto!!!

Do you guys remember that time I got a wrong text and made friends with a fellow Pluto enthusiast?  Well, that was back in May and our love for Pluto is still going on strong.  


In fact, we're like 9% closer to actually moving up there...  Which will be totally awesome when it happens...  Because I read on the internet that there's funnel cake...  and Snickers...







I think I've met my Awesome Person Match.  Wow...  That should totally be a dating sight.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Remember when the Devil gave me a present? No?!? You will now.

I'm finally coming out of my funk.  I know...  It's exciting.  


You know what isn't exciting?  

This creepy ass doll.

My mom inherited this from my wickedly awesome aunt whom recently passed away.  I love her like crazycakes.  And I totally respect my mom's wishes...  But...


This fucking thing is really creepy.


In fact, it's watching me right now.  So I have to be quick with this post... 


The other day, I walked in on Jasmyn...  Just hanging out and talking to it.  



She was eating lunch and I heard her talking to someone.  So, I look over to see who she is talking to...

...And this is what I see...

Me:  Jazz...  Are you talking to the doll?

Jazz:  She's creepy and weird...  And I like it.


I think that pretty much proves that I'm dealing with a haunted object!  It's just like that old show, Friday the 13th.  No, not the movies...  Remember that show?  The one where the redhead and that dude would go and find all those objects that were cursed to lock them up in some vault.

This show was awesome...  I hope someone else remembers it!


That's exactly what I want to do with this thing.  Lock it in a vault!!!!


Still not convinced?  Watch this...


 


Good luck sleeping tonight.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

What I do for fun

As some of you may know, I have recently moved into my mom and dad's place whilst I look for my own.  I know, I'm totally stoked too.  We taped Ghost Shark on Syfy the other night and will be watching it later.  


Life is that exciting.


In fact, fun times ensued the other day when my brother decided to cut his toenails!!!  


You read that correct.  For fun, I watched my brother cut his toenails...  


For.  Fun.


Don't judge me!!



Christopher asked that I not use his image...  Which, of course, made me use his image.  I'm not a very good sister.

Shit got real when he made a pile of them on the table.

LOOK AT HIM GO!!!!!!  GO!  GO!  GO!!!  CLIP LIKE YOU'VE NEVER CLIPPED BEFORE, YOU SILLY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

When I was little, I used to like to take my toenail clippings and claw pinch them until they went flying across the room.  I know...  I have problems.  I totally don't do it anymore, if that's what you're insinuating.  Anyway, one year for my birthday, Christopher gave me a little baggie full of toenail clippings.  He had saved them for weeks.  It was probably one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever gotten.

FINISHED PRODUCT, BITCHES!!!!!

This is my life, people.  Be jealous!!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

This is why I love my blogging friends...

I've been in hiding lately.  It's ok.  I admit it.  Sometimes we all need to get away.  And that's ok too.  


Then today, I finally got to courage to log on.  It was tough, although I'm not really sure why.  I love this shit.  But I actually had some anxiety about anything blog related.  Anyway, I received an email from Joanna at Travels with Tessie Toodles (aka one of the most amazingly strongest bestest people ever).  

This is the picture she sent me...



It's like she knew I would need this.

 
And, oh man... Did I laugh!  I laughed until I snorted.  I laughed until the people around me asked (in really worried voices) if I was ok.  I laughed until that one solid tear ran down my cheek.


And it felt good.


It felt good to lose my shit again.  I'm not sure when I found it, but I'm glad to be rid of some of it.


I also realized something.  Something important...  I really need about a dozen of these birds in soon-to-be-hatched egg form.  I read somewhere on the internet...  Or...  Like, a children's book...  Or, maybe it was on an episode of Tom & Jerry.  I don't know.  The source isn't important since this isn't my thesis...  I read that when birds hatch, the first thing they see is imprinted on them as their mama.  It must be true because it totally sounds legit!!!!  It sounds way too legit.  In fact, too legit to quit.


But I digress...


My point here is that these birds would pretty much be my Jasmyn minions. 


I'll just let that thought sink in for a bit.   


Jasmyn MINIONS.  


Yea, these badass things are pretty much Jazzy - in bird form.


Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is that this post is not only a thank you to Joanna (for making me smile and giving me a whole new idea for world domination), but also a thank you to all those out there who keep me laughing and smiling no matter what.


Because you funny bitches will be totally safe from my Jazzy Bird Minions.  And nothing says "thank you" like a Not-Being-Eaten-By-Crazy-Bird-Shark-Dino-Jazzy-Minions Get Out of Jail Fee Card.


I know...  You're welcome.


Hugs to the power of infinity, motherfuckers!!


Valerie

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Why I will never be as cool as my 6 year old...

For those of you who read my last post, please know that I am doing just fine.  I also went to one of the most kick ass weddings ever.  But more on that later this week.  I'm still trying to start to get back on my regular blogging schedule.  Last week was an epic fail.  This week shall not be...  


This I vow.


Today I wanted to share some Jazzyisms with you...  Because my 6 year old has reached the level of awesome that most of us will never reach.  And while we can all be jealous about this, we won't be.  Because we are better than Haters.  So much better. 


Maybe.



Jasmyn (upon seeing her dad holding a propane tank):  Daddy, if I had a gun, I'd blow that up for you.


It's like the end of Mission Impossible 2, but not stupid...



Eddie (after noticing Jazz was positioning herself to put him into a pretty rad headlock):  Jazz?  Are you trying to choke me out?

Jasmyn:  Yes, daddy.  Yes I am.

"Just go to sleep, daddy...  Go.  To.  Sleeeeep"


DNA test not necessary.  She's totally mine.


Jasmyn (with her hand out in my face when I tried to wake her up early):  Mommy.  You're talking too fast.  Please.  Talk.  Slower.

She ninjaed me and scared the fuck out of me.  Didn't even see her coming!  It was like the movie The Grudge...  Times 10!!


Jasmyn (while watching the new Wizard of Oz movie):  Mommy...  This whole movie is weird.  And everyone in it is creepy...  I like it.

Exactly.



And as a bonus feature, I now present you with some awesomeness brought to you by my niece, Sonaiya...  


She once sang a Taylor Swift song to me...  And made it sound good.

Nya (upon her grandma asking her if she loves her new baby sister):  I want to take her and throw her in the river...  So the alligators eat her.

Ummmmm.....  Totally related to me.  Just sayin.


Nya (regarding a beetle she spotted at Nicole's house):  Careful!!!!  Everyone knows that beetles eat people!!!

FIN.







Monday, August 5, 2013

The Prodigal Son Returns... And Other Reasons I Don't Have a Penis

I bet you're wondering where the hell I've been...  And also why the hell I DON'T have a penis.  Well, the answer to the second question is pretty obvious.  I would tell you more, but it's illegal in 23 states and I'm not about to go back to the big house.


The answer to the first question, however, is a bit more complicated.  It's hard to write a humor blog when 2 people that you love and trust rip your heart out of your asshole.  I mean, just the sitting down on that funny pillow thingy is embarrassing enough.  But to do it through a whole blog posting is nearly impossible.


I don't want to get into the details because that's not what this post is about.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still very hurt and angry.  And I said some things on Facebook that I probably shouldn't have.  Anger makes you do stupid things like that.  But, like I said, this post isn't about the details of my marriage or what went wrong.


This is a post about survival.


I know there are gonna be days when things feel harder than they should feel.  I know there are gonna be days when I wanna scream at the moon and punch a hole into the sun...  Then rip it's heart out with my teeth and spit fiery rain slobber onto orphans. 


But I also know there are going to be days when I will feel like the old me and laugh my ass off at something impossibly ridiculous.  Sure, they might be far and few between at first.  But sooner or later, those days will get closer and closer together and the orphans will live.


The trick is to remember the things that make you happiest...


Like Friends...


And Family...

And Puppies...
 
And Utter Silliness...
 
And Especially THIS GUY!!!

I don't want to get all preachy.  That's not my bag, baby.  I just want to say one more thing.  I got into a fight with a wicker chair the other night...  And as I wrestled it's arms off an threw them into a nearby pond, I realized something.


Something important.


I'm a hell of a lot tougher than I thought I was.  And I was always pretty fucking tough.  I am a natural born survivor.  I can get through this.  Hell, I can get through anything.  


I am learning a lot about myself and the people that surround me.  But perhaps the most important thing I'll ever learn...  One thing that I didn't see coming...


Never EVER trust wicker.  


Not Ever.