Tuesday, September 17, 2013

If I fall asleep, the Furbies will get me...

This isn't a real post.  And I swear I'm not ignoring you all...  I've just been blah and oh-so-sleepy lately.  Could be the kids going back to school, or the weather...  or just an overall case of the blah's.  I'll get over it soon enough.  But I am reading everything you guys write...  


And I'm totally watching you...


Right now...


No, seriously.  Turn around.


GOLD STARS TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T TURN!!!  Well, gold stars and DEATH!!!



Another reason I could be sleepy?  Oh... I don't know.   Maybe it's because Alyssa keeps insisting on sleeping with her Furby, which is possibly the most evil thing in the world.  


The other night I woke up to the sound of maniacal laughter.  


And it wasn't Jasmyn.


This time.


This is what I see...  Staring at me...


Staring at me and laughing it's little ass off. 

Furbies are the Devil's watchers here to collect souls.  You've been warned!!! 


They're also fucking annoying.  Which is why I just bought my niece one for her birthday.  Now I'm the one who is maniacally laughing!!!!  MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Dear People Who Make Sledgehammers...

I'm not saying that you want to make me and my friends your spokespeople, but...  


You totally should.  


Kristen takes first swing...

And then it started smoking and we thought it might blow up...

So Nicole made us put on "protective gear" because "her bitches don't have scars on their face".  This was supposed to be a motorcycle helmet, but we couldn't find one.  So we figured the next best thing was a pillowcase.
Finally, they could hold me back no more!

"Stand back bitches!!  This thing is going down!"

Because I may have some anger issues to work out...

Maybe...

Or maybe I just like sledgehammers!

Don't be so judgmental, people!!!

Ok...  I MIGHT have some issues...
 

Hire us, Sledgehammer Folks!  You really won't be sorry.  Much...  I mean, not really...  Maybe...


I apologize in advance...


Thursday, September 5, 2013

Remember how effin' AWESOME Slinkies were?!?! Yea, me neither...

What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs
and makes a slinkity sound?
A spring, a spring, a marvelous thing!
Everyone knows it's Slinky.
It's Slinky, it's Slinky,
It's fun, it's a wonderful toy.
It's Slinky, it's Slinky, it's fun,
It's a wonderful toy.
It's fun for a girl or a boy.

No one was more excited than Jasmyn to try out her new slinky.  I mean, in most of our minds (especially that of the young) slinkies are perhaps the most magical of all toys.  Hell, if you zoom in, you could practically see her glowing with joy...  Well, glowing in that special "Jasmyn" way.

Smell that??  That's the excitement of letting a slinky go down the metal stairs of a hotel emergency exit...  I know.  I was trembling a little too.
 
GO SLINKY!!!!

GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO!!!!!!

GO, YOU GOD DAMNED BEAUTIFUL SON OF A BITCH, YOU!!!!

 
..........
Are you shitting me, Slinky?
 
Maybe Slinkies need help sometimes...  Just like midgets.

GO SLINKY! GO SLINKY! G.... You son of a...
This is the last time you make a fool out of us Slinky!!!!
THE VERY LAST TIME!!!!!
As punishment for your non-performance of your Slinky-like duties and for making us spend 20 minutes sneaking around on hotel stairs, you shall be stretched, Slinky.  May the Gods have mercy on your soul....






Tuesday, September 3, 2013

How IKEA was redeemed by a 5 year old...

My last memory of IKEA was pretty epic.  Drunken debauchery...  Pillow fights...  Shenanigans...  


And then it became tainted, since the person whom I enjoyed it with turned out to be a really, really super bad person right down to her soul.


Bad memories are hard to erase.  I remember once having scrambled eggs and then getting a tummy bug shortly after.  I vomited up those eggs...  I vomited them up something fierce.  It took me quite a while before we made up.  A very long while.  IKEA was the same way.  In fact, I thought we would never be okay again.


Enter my niece.  You might remember her as the bad ass 4 year old that wanted to feed her new baby sister to some crocodiles.


And I now share with you how the amazingness and giggles of one child made IKEA and me friends again...  


I still won't eat their shitty ass horse meatballs though.  Not ever.



At first, Christopher totally agreed to push us around on the cart...  Even after we had gotten in trouble for pencil and flyer hoarding, chair spinning, pretending we were turtles, and furniture jumping.  So, it was all good.

Then he was all "Fuck this shit."  And...  And he just left us!
And that's when we started pushing ourselves around on the cart.  In circles...  And MAYBE running people down.  MAYBE.  Ok...  We ran people down.

After our tomfoolery was put to an end, we decided to decorate the box with Nya's dresser in it with our "borrowed" pencils.

You can't really see it, since it was in pencil...  But that drawing was fucking epic.  Sunshine, ladybugs, butterflies...  and one unicorn poo-ing into the wind.

I know...  It's fucking epic.  You're welcome.


Thank you, Nya.  Thank you for believing in IKEA...  and me.  And thank you to my brother and his wife for not bitch-slapping the shit out of me when me and Nya went puddle jumping in the parking lot.


So remember:  Dreams really do come true, bitches!  And sometimes stores deserve a second chance!  


Word to yo' mama.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Welcome... Welcome to VALTEMBER!

If you're a longtime reader, you may already know that I take my birthday seriously.  Some might say too seriously, but screw that!  It's my own personal holiday.  Why wouldn't I want to celebrate it all month long?!?  


The Answer to that is that I would celebrate it.  I would celebrate the fuck out of it.


So, I just wanted to take a  brief moment to welcome you to my birth-month.  Please strap in and keep your arms and legs in the vehicle at all times.  This shit is about to get real.


I meant to do this Welcome Post yesterday on September 1st.  But then my epic family decided to go to Dave and Busters instead.  My brother, Christopher, and I take the House of the Dead 4 game seriously.  Because we are always ready for zombies...  ALWAYS.