Thursday, October 24, 2013

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Ok Oktoberfest. This might feel a little cold. Now... Please turn your head and cough.

There is a land, a marvelous land...  Far, far away from where I am sitting now.  So far, that if you wanted to, you could watch 4 entire movies, a crime drama and a sitcom on the way to it.  This glorious land is known as Oktoberfest.  It's home is in Germany.

This is my story of Germany:  Section Octoberfest:  Part 1.  It will be told mostly in internet interpretive dance (aka pictures) right up until the end where my phone/camera died.  This is my story alone...  Though I traveled with others, Germany is a lot like Vegas.  What happens there, stays there.  Unless you're me.  Then you blast that shit all over the internet like a hero.  Or fool.  


The flight to Germany was as exciting as one could imagine.  Especially when the free beer started.
You can see how excited we were when we found out there was not only free beer, but if you asked for more THEY GAVE IT TO YOU.  Every.  Fucking.  Time.

Our room was a nice and comfy one.  With beds that were already together, so there was no adjusting them should we want to spoon.  I'm not saying we did, but I like the option.

Ok...  We totally spooned.

After an all-night beer-filled flight and a short nap, we were all set to let the Beerfest begin!!! 

This is the inside of one of the glorious tents we entered.  There were probably about a dozen or so.  On the first night, however, we only needed this one tent for a fair amount of shenanigans to pave the way to one of the most awesome nights in history...  Filled with mystery, adventure and an almost kidnapping!  HUZZAH!!!

Unlike most American strip clubs, it was not only ok to stand on these table and dance, but encouraged.  On a separate note, that shit will get you a warning in a strip club.  Followed by eviction.

These are soccer hooligans.  My mama's one rule was to not hang out with any on my trip.  If you remember from my TIJUANA TRIP, I always listen to my mama.  Maybe.
Here we see a very happy Valerie in her natural habitat...  Enjoying a beer the size of her head.  It was a good kill for this particular Valerie, and she enjoyed the feasting of her prey ever so much.

No, seriously.  Let me show you the beer to head ratio.  This glorious beer is 33 ounces.  Which equates to just about 3 American beer bottles. 
Exactly, people...  Beer this big makes you put on a Hogwarts hat and party down with complete strangers.  But everyone knows that once you learn a stranger's name, they aren't a stranger anymore and it is absolutely acceptable to take free candy and/or beer from them.  (Just please don't tell my mama.)
More beer you say?!?  WHY YES!  I THINK I WILL HAVE ANOTHER!!!!
...  And another!!!!
And more beer and HATS!!  YAY!
This is Ashley, our new friend from Australia.  And although she never met a platypi, per say, I still loved her nonetheless.  I did not love her boyfriend, however.  Who started a fight with me over my necklace...  And something about me being un-American...  Maybe.  I don't know.  There was a lot of beer and yelling.  But he left shortly after.  So, we had more beer to celebrate. 
Did I mention that they have BEER at Oktoberfest?!?  Because they really do.
This was the poor soul sitting next to us, just trying to send someone a text message.  I may have stolen his phone and sent a lengthy love note to the mysterious text partner...  Complete with little hearts and smiley faces.  I told him to name his first born after me.  He didn't think that he would have kids with his boss.  I told him not to be a negative Nancy...  With true love and science, anything is possible.
Here is the moment I learned that you are not allowed to nap at tables.  Because the bar wench will find you and she will get security and they will haul your sorry ass out of Oktoberfest.  And I'm also pretty sure this is where you end up in a Hostel movie sequel.

Now... this is the part that gets a little weird.  Hang on, my friends, because shit is about to get real.  After quite a few ounces of beer, it was time for me to break the seal.  And since we are really smart travelers, I went alone.  So, you could imagine my shock when I returned to the table to find that everyone had disappeared...  

I was all alone.

All alone at Oktoberfest.

With no one.

So I did what any rational Oktoberfestian would do.  I had another beer to contemplate what had happened to everyone and search the immediate area.  And that's when someone said, "I know where your friends are!"  

What a relief!!!   Sure, this man didn't look like one of our party.  I mean, he wasn't Scottish, or Australian, or from Kentucky...  But me being a trusting soul full of the spirit of beer, I went along and followed him.


To a grassy knoll.

Where he proceeded to smoke a fucking cigarette.  

"Where are my friends?" I asked, rather annoyed.  That's when that son of a bitch tried to kiss me...  And met the business end of my fist.

I quickly took a picture and zoomed in to get him on film and locked my phone.  "If my body is found, they will know it was you.  You have been documented.  I bid you good day, sir."

If this man ever approaches you claiming he knows where your friends are, please punch him in the face...  And tell him Val sent ya!

So there I was, outside the Oktoberfest tent that probably held my friends, with some stupid asshat who wouldn't leave me alone.  

That's right...  He kept following me.  Even when I told him to go away.  I then had to STAND ON FUCKING LINE to get back inside, and he tried to hug my from behind.

So, I did the next best thing to punching him in the face...  I elbowed him in the stomach and told him his balls were next if he did not cease and desist at this very moment.  He wasn't a problem after that.

But I was still a lost Valerie.  A very, very lost Valerie.  Even when I was able to get back inside, my friends were no where to be found.  So, as you may or may not know, whenever Drunk Valerie finds herself in danger, she finds an authority figure to hang out with.

Enter this amazing man.  Sure, he looks a bit intimidating but do not let looks deceive you.

NAY GOOD FRIENDS!!!  This man let this poor lost soul blow the bright orange whistle and yell at everyone to get the fuck out of Dodge.

That's right!!!  I got to blow a whistle and kick everyone out of Oktoberfest at the end of the night!!!!

So, if you happened to be there that night and heard a redhead screaming such phrases as:

"You ain't got to go home, but you can't stay here!!!!"


"Get to stepping, bitches!!!"

Or the ever classy...

"Get the fuck out!!!!!!!!"

That was THIS GIRL!!!!

Me and my new German friend laughed and laughed at the confused drunkards who probably wish they made friends in high places.  And then it was over...  

Oktoberfest was OVER!

And I was once again alone.  But this time, it was dark and cold and I did not have my sweater.  I was none too pleased.

I remember the exact moment that I fell in love.  I fell so hard and so fast that I was dizzy with the excitement and possibility of the future.  That's right...  This is the point of the trip that I had my first Bratwurst sandwich.  

It was the most amazing thing I have ever eaten.

So there I stood, waiting to find my friends, enjoying my Bratwurst, about to make my next set of friends in high places.  

"Are you ok?" I heard a voice ask.  I turned to see 5 German cops.  Drunk Valerie knew right away that it would be a good idea to friend them.  She could tell.  Because she's smart.  Ok, maybe not smart...  But invincible at the very least.

Unfortunately, with a dead phone I could not document this next leg of my Valventure.  So, you'll just have to trust me.  It's ok.  I have an honest face...

For real...  How could you not trust this face.  Especially when it's holding a ginormous beer!!!

The following events are all true.  Pinkie swear.

So there I was, drunk and conversing with the 5 cops.  I'm not sure if I mentioned my special drunk gift in a previous post...  But I will share this secret with you now, because I know you're all trustworthy.  My super special drunk power is getting people to hug.  And most of the time, I'm not even involved in said hug.

Case in point:  I was able to get 3 out of the 5 cops to group hug.  That's more than half, guys!!!  And not only was I not involved, but the other 2 took pictures and laughed their asses off whilst I yelled "FEEL THE LOVE!!!"  It was exactly like the Human Centipede movie, except no one was sewn ass to mouth. At this point, I should have reeled myself in but was unable to.  I was just having too much fun!  

"You!" I said determinately, pointing to the largest cop of them all.  "You are both large and majestic.  I shall call you Butterfly because you're my favorite."

An eruption of laughter from his friends made me realize that perhaps I just crossed some invisible guy-line in the sand. And with the other cops vowing that they shall call my majestic Butterfly by his new name moving forward, I knew it was time to move on.

I waited a bit at the train station, but when my friends still did not show up, I knew it was time to go.  Besides, my nipples were about to freeze off.  And I need those.  I mean, yes, they can make new ones out of my elbow, but why go through all that trouble if I could avoid it.

So I got on the train...

I got on the wrong train, you guys...

I got on the wrong train going in the opposite direction of the hotel and stayed on it until it would go no further.

And this is where I shall leave this tale for now...  But don't fear, I will be back to tell you how the night ended later this week!!!

Stay tuned...  Or else!!!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

I can survive Monday because now I know that there is true happiness in the world

As you may or may not know, I am NOT a Monday person.  In fact, just the thought of dealing with the shit storm that Monday always seems to bring is enough to make me break out into hives.  No, really.  It's that bad.  

But then I came across this YouTube Video...

And now I know that everything is going to be okay.  No matter what happens moving forward, I now have something in life to strive for.  Something more important than any other of my bucket list items...  Even the one about getting into a bar fight and smashing a beer bottle over a bald biker's head.

So go forth, my dear friends.  Go forth knowing that happiness like this really does exist.  And we can be there.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

How you know you're missed when you go away on vacation...

I can easily quantify Odd's love for me whilst I'm peeing with a few pictures...

Mom?  Where did you go?

Are you in there?


I just love you, Mom.
For ever...

And ever....

And.  Ever.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

I'm not dead... And NO, that's not code for "I'm a zombie"

Before I start this post, I want to THANK the FUCK out of all the people that made VALTEMBER great.  It was a rough one for me and I appreciate everyone who was there for me.  This includes my amazing blogger friend, Misty from Misty's Laws.  We had quite the weekend away which involved so many shenanigans that it will have it's own post!!  

I also want to thank Kellie from Delightfully Ludicrous for this delightful package which made me squeal like a small child...

This is the PartAY in a Box that Kellie sent me...  FROM AUSTRALIA!!!!

I love her...  So.  Hard.

And so does Odd!

There are no pictures of the delicious Australian chocolates that she was kind enough to include...  Since it was devoured faster than the A-Team can montage together an attack van!!!

Moving along...  

I'm sure you've all been wondering where I've been, what I've been doing and, most importantly, if I was finally arrested.  Probably.  Ok, maybe not.  But I have been watching ALL of you.  Just know that I'm like Santa... But I steal your socks.  But only one.  Pairs are for pansies!!!  

Never mind.  I'm EXACTLY like Santa.

Me?  Santa?  Only Mrs. Claus knows for sure.

Anyway, my sock stealing obsession is neither here nor there.  The answers you seek...  The answers to all of your questions (and the meaning of life) shall be revealed in a series of posts that shall tell all about the many adventures that I have been through in my absence from this blog.  Sure, I could have posted about them whilst I lived them...  But, as I mentioned in a previous post, it's kind of hard to be humorous after your life falls apart.

Luckily for me, my friends and family have a lifetime supply of super glue that helped put my pieces back together.  And not that cheap Elmers glue shit that I like to rub on my feet and peel off when it drys.  Nay, my good lads!!  My Crew has gotten their hands on the GOOD STUFF.  You know...  The I-Just-Glued-A-Man's-Head-To-The-Top-Of-A-Sky-Scraper-And-If-He-Dies-I'm-Leaving-The-Country-Oh-Hell-I'll-Leave-Anyway-It's-Probably-For-The-Best-Because-I-Like-Margaritas kind of shit.

"This was a really bad idea!!!"

So consider this your warning...  I'm back, and although not better than ever, I'm pretty fucking close to getting there.

I'm Back...  And probably hiding under your bed in a nest of stranger's socks.  Seriously...  Just leave me be.  I sleep best this way.

And BOY!!!  Do I have some amazing VALventures to share with all of you!!!!

Here's a sneak peak-a-boo of some stories to come!!!

Sometimes you get drunk with your friends and they let you re-enact The Evil Dead movie in the crawlspace under their house.

Apple Picking Ninjas - The Sequel...  This time its for keeps.
Adventures with Misty's Laws!!!!
Oh...  Did I mention that I totally got drunk in Germany at a little celebration you might have heard of called OKTOBERFEST!!!!!