Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Happy Birthday to the Woman who made me as Awesome as I am today!!!!!! (This post is not about Aliens)

No, really.  She made me.  While it was not a typical birth, and more of a "I-shall-make-a-human-child-out-of-rudimentary-objects-and-voodoo-dance-it-to-life" because my parents are both VIRGINS...  


 Stop being gross, you guys.

We are practically twins.  Also, our drinks.



I photobomb...  LIKE A BOSS


Anyway, today is my mommy's birthday.  And I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you for always having my back...


  1. When I was falling apart because some jerk in school was mean to me.
  2. Every time I come up with some off the wall adventure, including but not limited to:
    1. Skydiving
    2. Hang gliding
    3. Completing an Olympic distance triathlon even though I had no idea how to swim
    4. Doing numerous Polar Bear Plunges
    5. Cage diving with great white shark
    6. Rock Climbing
    7. And so the story goes....
  3. When I wanted to go to Tijuana by myself and everyone was all "NO WAY!"
  4. For encouraging me to be loud, to be silly, to be me no matter what.
  5. For holding me when my world fell apart and telling me that not only would I be ok, but I would come through the other side better than ever.  (You were right, by the way!!!).
  6. For giving me and my girls her bed and sleeping in a fluffy chair when we had nowhere else to go.
  7. For ALWAYS encouraging me to do whatever would make me happy, without judgement and with nothing but love and more love and the occasional high five.

If it wasn't for my mom, I would never be this awesome.  I LOVE YOU!!!!


So, with that being said, I want to personally apologize for dinner tonight.  I know that you technically said that I had "BETTER NOT tell them it's my birthday because" you were "not here to be embarrassed."  And also, you may have mentioned that "if they approached you with that stupid birthday saddle" that you would "absolutely not get on and leave immediately and also scold the waiter for picking on someone old enough to be his mom."


I know your mouth said all this.  Yes.  It said it numerous times, in fact.  However, your eyes said something else.  Your eyes (behind the utter anger and embarrassment) said "Yes, Valerie.  Tell them it's my birthday.  I want to ride the birthday saddle."


So not enthused.


Or is she??


You're welcome, Mommy!


And now you all know EXACTLY where I get my awesomeness from!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

And then Batman showed up to the party.

I have figured something out.  Something that will absolutely blow your mind, as it did mine.


My dog, Odd, is Batman.  Need proof???  Of course you do.  Because you are all smart folks.  (Except you, sir.  You are an idiot.  Please leave.)


Firstly, no one has ever seen Batman and Odd in the same room.  Which, ok... I know it's a stretch BUT today  I was driving around with Odd and was about to change the radio station when I saw this:

PEW!  PEW!  GOTHAM!!!


I don't think I even need to say anything else about this.  


Suck it, Affleck!!



Tuesday, November 12, 2013

If you never hear from me again, it's because the dolls have taken my soul to hell. Please send help... And White Castle.

I hate dolls.  I don't care who knows it. (Except them of course.  I'm not a moron, ya know!)  They are creepy little vessels used to transport demonic souls.  You know this...  I know this...  Even Yellow Dog knows this...

Yellow Dog doesn't know much, but he knows this!


As you know from my previous post, my mother is in possession of quite the evilest of dolls.  In fact, it's looking at me right now...  So, I have to be quick in my message to you all.

No...  Really.  She thinks I can't see her hiding but I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE YOU EVIL LITTLE FUCK FROM THE FIERY PITS OF THE NINTH LEVEL OF HELL!!!!


She has learned to breed and/or clone herself.  Maybe not herself per say...  But she is, at the very least, bringing other demonic souls into this house.  That I know for sure.  I know what you're thinking...  Val's finally gone off the deep end!!  

My interpretation of Sharknado at the hair salon.  This is what normal people DO!!!  Don't judge me...


While that may be true, I give you this horrifying story for your consideration.  The other night, before going to nightly slumber, I found one of the kid's dolls on my bed.  I nonchalantly threw the creepy ass thing on to the floor on the other side of the room.  I wanted to remove it completely, but laziness won over common sense.


That same night, I awoke with that strange "I'm-being-watched-by-a-midget-in-a-gimp-mask-in-the-corner" feeling.  Surely you know the one that I am referring to.  I quickly scanned the room, ready to grab a weapon if needbe.

Not this time, my friend!


Nothing.  


Then I felt it.  Something strange.  There was something on my feet!  Surely, it was Scooby, my trusty sleeping sidekick.  I nestled back in and snuggled up against Scooby whom was sound asleep on my pillow.

"There's something EVIL in the bed...  And it's not US!" he whispered.


That's when I shot up and flung back the blankets to find this horror.

HOLY MOTHER OF VAGINAS!!!!


WHAT.  THE.  FUCKING.  FUCK.  YOU.  GUYS.


I have since burned the thing and placed it's ashes in a container of holy water.  I then placed said container into a bucket and filled it with cement.  Then I buried it on hollowed ground...  And covered it with iron.

A girl can never be too careful!!!

So, please... PLEASE!  If you don't hear from me again, the dolls have me.  Send help...  And fast food.  

They come in cases now!!!  Just in case you were wondering!  See what I did there?


Sunday, November 10, 2013

My First Night at Oktoberfest... The Grand Finale!

When we last left our heroine, she had gotten on the wrong train in the complete opposite direction of her hotel, which she did not really know the name of.


I know.  I'm a SUPER responsible traveler.  Don't judge me.  


Now, as I stated in my previous post, I lost most of my battery power for this part of the trip.  So there aren't any pictures.  But I think that's good.  You all need to work out the muscle that is your IMAGINATION anyway.  Also, smart phones really need to work on their battery life, by the way.  Because if I had been able to take pictures, it would have been epic.


Oh the sights I have seen!!!


Anyway...  After waiting what seemed like an eternity at the train station for my friend who may have left me (We are still debating this.  Also, it MAY have been only 2 minutes which computes to 2 hours in drunk time.), I finally hopped on a train towards the hotel.  Did I know the way?  No.  Did I even know which stop?  Absolutely not.  But I was cold and out of beer.  So I did what I thought a responsible drunk person should do...  I boarded the next available train towards my bed.  Little did I know, I was instead headed towards my destiny.


Ok, not really.  But I didn't die (SPOILER ALERT).  So that's pretty damned good, no?


My best guess was that the hotel was on the last stop.  That was wrong.  My other best guess was that I needed to go left.  This was also incorrect.  Pretty much the only thing I got right was finding the train in the first place.  But Butterfly, my favorite German cop of all time, had pointed me in the right direction before I left him to be forever mocked by his cop friends for being nicknamed "Butterfly" by some drunk chick at Oktoberfest.  Some people just can't handle the responsibility of it all, I guess.


Butterfly:  If you are reading this, I send you my deepest apologies.  I also want you to know that you will always be the Monarch of my heart.   


Back on the train, I was bright eyed and bushy tailed and on the look out for the hotel stop.  Ok...  I may have napped a wee bit.  But nonetheless, I made it to the very last stop and got off the train with some old men with very impressive handlebar mustaches.  Apparently, these types of mustaches require more care than regular ones.  They need bedtime stories and are fed a very strict diet of children souls in order to be so prosperous.  


At least that's what it sounded like they said.  They didn't speak any English.  However, they seemed to be very entertained by my story of their mustaches.  So one could only assume that I was 100% correct in my assessment of the situation.  


It was this point of my journey that I began to notice that I may have been a wee bit off in my calculation of the location of our hotel.  I mean, it had to be close...  Hell, it was only a 5 minute walk in one of these directions.  So, like a brave toaster, I chose right and began walking.


And walking...


And walking...


And... "Holy shit.  I might be lost," my subconscious began to tune in.  "Don't be ridiculous!" cried the brave little toaster, "I know exactly where we are!  Turn HERE!!!"  


So, I turned.  And walked..................   "Ok, this isn't right.  Is that a barn?  OMG.  This isn't a street.  This is a driveway.  I wonder if I should sleep in their barn.  No, probably not.  Hay is itchy."


So then I turned around and walked some more down another street that led to an old auto shop.  I say "old" because the place was pretty run down and totally surrounded by broken cars.  


"Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Hold up...  I've seen this place before.  Yes, it was featured in such films as Wrong Turn and Texas Chainsaw.  I'm too white and female to be here."


It was around this point that I realized that I was monologuing my trip to myself.  Yes, you read that right.  I was now that person walking aimlessly through the streets talking to herself.  


Awesome!!!


I was also the person starting to get a wee bit scared.  Especially since everything was closed for the night and no people were out and about.  So I used just about the last of my phone battery to call my friend and get the name of the hotel.  Thankfully, she answered.  


I turned my ass around and started walking in the general direction of the train station, where I had spotted a Best Western.  However, I had taken so many twists and turns that I had no idea which direction to go.  So, I licked my finger and stuck it in the air.  Pure intuition would have to lead the way!!


The wind said go straight.  So I did.  I knew I was going in the right direction.  So I walked...............................................................................


It wasn't the right direction at all.  But I found a pizzeria and tried the doors.  No luck.  I knocked ever so gently since the sign indicated that it was also a hotel.  Apparently they locked their guests in for the night.  Which probably said volumes for the neighborhood.  


This was the point I started to really worry.  Mostly because I had lost my sweater in the heat of Oktoberfest battle.  I could see my breath.  "This is going to be like the end of The Shining movie.  I just know it."  I cursed the heavens and walked some more.


Finally, a kind soul pointed me in the direction of the Best Western and my hunt had FINALLY come to an end.  I threw my self upon the mercy of the front desk and they called me a cab.  


"Where to?" the driver asked.

"I got lost and I'm drunk.  I'm sorry."  Then I told him the name of the place to go as he pumped up the heat.  In the end, he only charged me 15 euro for what probably should have been a 50 euro trip.  "I guess we've all lost people to Oktoberfest celebrations." I mused.  

"What?"

"Nothing.  I forgot to stop talking to myself now that I'm around civilians again."


I hit my bed like it was my job that night.  My glorious, glorious bed.  So comfortable.  So right.  So soft.  And curvy.  That was the sexiest bed I have ever met.


And THAT, my friends, is how I spent my first night in Germany.  Which is pretty fucking fitting for me.    

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I owe you all an apology... And maybe a pet unicorn

My Dearest Friends,


I know what I did...  I can admit it when I've been a total asshat.  And I want you all to know that I didn't mean to it.  

I wrote you the first part of my Germany trip amazement and then POOF...  Disappeared.  For weeks!  Leaving you with cyber blue balls.  

Like most blue balls, it wasn't done on purpose.  I'm not some prudish virgin not knowing what I'm getting myself into.  Honestly, I'm not.  I mean, sure I look totally innocent....  

Nor am I a silly whore just playing with your mind nuts.  Maybe...

Life was going good, moving along...  I was keeping myself distracted.  And then suddenly it wasn't ok.  I fell a couple of pegs.  It was a minor set back.  A stupid move on my part.  But sometimes things happen for the best.  Sometimes things happen to make you stronger.  To move you forward.  And that it did.  It propelled me to take the necessary steps to end my marriage.  To be on my own.  To show my girls what a strong, responsible woman looks like.

And now, I am proud to say, that I have found my own apartment.  For the first time in my life, I will be out on my own...  Like an adult and shit!!!

Yea, I'm queen of backwards living, and  Benjamin Buttons is my king. 

So, please bear with me as I get my life in place.  The blog posts will be coming more frequently now since I am finding my way.   

And I swear by by Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, I will write the end of my Oktoberfest night post this week...  Or throw myself into the fires of Mount Doom.   

Until then, UNICORNS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!

You're fucking welcome...  Just don't forget to feed her.  She gets angry when you don't feed her.



Thank you all for your love, your patience and (most of all) your sweet, sweet asses.
 
Hugs!  

Valerie