Sunday, December 22, 2013

I am so sorry... Don't even read this post. Protect your lobes.

There is a reason kids should not be allowed to have recording devices on their person at all times.  One reason is that when the Little Mermaid comes on, I will rock that shit out...  Every.  Fucking.  Time.  

And apparently my beloved little Alyssa will record it without me knowing.  

I'm sure you're wondering why in the world I would post such embarrassment here, since I cannot in any way sing... Ever.  Not even a bit.

Well, kids should understand that it's ok to be silly and even more ok to embarrass the shit out of yourself.  So, for my dear, dear children, I give you the following rendition of Part of your World from The Little Mermaid.

I'm so sorry...  So very, very sorry for you lobes.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Speaking of Pluto...

You remember that time I got a wrong number text message and became BFFs with a stranger because of our mutual love for Pluto?  Well, the other day, Pluto and I came up with a foolproof idea for getting our overlooked little lovechild back on his way to becoming a full blown planet again. 

Because we care about the important things.

And so...  I started a petition.  You should totally sign it.  

And not just because I said so, or because it's the right thing to do.  But also because Jasmyn would want you to.  You remember my badass little girl, right?  Yea, if you don't sign this it would make her very angry...  And no one wants to see Jazzy angry.

Thanks to my friend, Matt M., for catching Jasmyn in her pure essence.

In fact, Jasmyn had to do a project in which she had to list 4 facts about her favorite planet.  Guess what she chose?

And then she was like "Fuck this...  I'll even draw a picture for you."

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Fact: Milk Duds are born without Holiday Spirit. It is inserted through their rectum once they reach maturity. Thus making them a delightful Holiday Treat.

On the way to Alyssa's School Holiday Show, we took in some lovely views of Christmas lights.  There was this one stretch of neighborhood that went totally overboard.  There were lights, icicles, blow up holiday figures...  Hell, there was even a baby Jesus!!!

JOY TO THE WORLD!!!!!!  It's a Griswold Family Christmas!!!

And then there's this guy...

Oh?  You guys wanna spread some Xmas Cheer?!? 
Fuck your cheer.

Fuck it right in the ass.

He might as well have just thrown some balled up lights in the window, hanging there like a decorated scrotum.  I mean, this person has 7 front windows.  SEVEN!!!!!  He decorated exactly two.  And the lights aren't even symmetrical.  Nor do they go fully around the exterior of the window.  He literally decorated 2 windows of his entire house on a block FULL of overly Christmas'ed houses... on purpose.  

I was so tempted to knock on his door and ask "What happened??  How did you get so awesome??"  Was he not invited to the annual block party?  Is he just lazy??  Does he loathe Christmas?  I mean, why even decorate at all??  

I'll tell you why...  Because decorating 1/8th of your house is way more aggravating to others than not decorating could ever be.  It's a big FUCK YOU to the whole block.

This.  Person.  Is.  My.  Hero.  

I could only hope to be half as sassy as this person one day.  I tip my hat to you, fair stranger.  I tip it like a fucking pimp.

You may, at this time, be wondering how Alyssa's Holiday Show went.  It went very well, thank you for asking.  I had the best view in the house... 

Is it wrong that I licked his giant Milk Dud head??  The answer to that, according to security, is Yes...  Non-consensual licking is always wrong apparently.   Whatever.  If you don't want it licked, wear a hat, Buddy!!!!  WEAR. A. HAT.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Tomorrow is Monday, and you know what that means... I may lose my shit and go on a Mass Wedgie Giving Spree!!!

Tomorrow is Monday.  We are all doomed.  In the meantime, enjoy these delightful pictures which made me laugh for 10 minutes!

As an FYI, these pictures are all pretty much my dog...  

I don't go full retard often... but when I do, it's usually... marshmallows.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

My Gal Misty - The Shenanigans Continue (Now with 150% more alcohol!!!)

When we last left our demigoddesses, they were just skimming the evening of what was to become one of the most epic nights that they have yet spent together.  Hell, they had already seen Elf the Musical and met up with a fellow awesomesauce blogger.  

Uhhhh...  Sorry, I'll stop talking about us in third person now.  Because I'm not an asshole. 

I had my fancy pants on... So you KNOW it was gonna be good night!

Anyway, the evening continued marching forward as we went on a haunted pub crawl that Misty had found (because that girl plans the most epic of epic nights ever!!!).  We met up with the group and as it turns out, our tour guide was a skinny steampunk Santa.  And, anyone who knows me knows that I love me some Santa!!!!!  

I mean, COME ON!!!  It's Santa holding a blade.  Hello?!?  Do you not know me??

No, seriously...  I ended up kind of stalking him.  I don't think he really minded all that much as he did offer to make me breakfast.  Because Santa is a gentleman!!!  But I turned him down, since I love me some Mrs. Clause too.  Plus, I hear she's into voodoo or some shit.  And homie don't play that.

At first I was all...

But then I was all...


So, I did what any girl in my position would do...  I bit his beard.

And we all had a glorious laugh...

Until it was time to say goodbye!!!  He has lots of work to do at the North Pole.

Our tour took us on a plethora of bars.  It was a grand ol' time!  We learned about the histories of each establishment (and drank alcohol) and made new friends (and drank alcohol) and stole glasses for my new apartment (and drank alcohol).  

I totally came in on That Horse.

Or...  Did I?!?

One of my favorite haunted bars (because of the awesome bartenders!!)

I stole this.

We even got to see the place where Edgar Allan Poe dramatically fell outside one of the oldest bars in the town.  And they even brought out an EMF detector so that we could see just where Mr. Poe liked to chill out.

Edgar Allan Poe is a pervert.  I love him.

We made so many new friends that night!!  An awesome couple from Washington whom stayed with us for a good amount of the night...  Because they were AMAZING!!

No, seriously.  They were amazing.  And also them besides the boobies.
And they tipped very nicely.

And, in a shocking turn of events, we even got to meet Joe Lo Truglio from The State!!!

At first he was all like "What's This State you speak of?!?  I swear it's not me!"
But a taste test revealed otherwise!!!  YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME JOE LO TRUGLIO!!!

We spent the night gallivanting!  And as you can imagine, it got a little fuzzy after a while.  Thank the Gods that Misty is not only an awesome drinking partner, but she documents like a MoFo.

Oh LOOK!!!  A shady looking alleyway!  Let's go guys.  This can't NOT end well!  And it didn't...  Because that's how we found a boat.
Oh shit, get your towels ready
It's about to go down
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let's go
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me
'Cause I'm sailing on a boat
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look
At the motherfucking boat
I'm on a boat motherfucker, take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can't stop me motherfucker, 'cause I'm on a boat
Take a picture, trick, I'm on a boat, bitch
We drinking Santana champ 'cause it's so crisp
I got my swim trunks and my flippie-floppies
I'm flipping burgers, you at Kinko's
Straight flipping copies
I'm riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
This dolphin's splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain't Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I'm on a boat, motherfucker, don't you ever forget
I'm on a boat and it's going fast and
I got a nautical themed, Pashmina Afghan
I'm the king of the world, on a boat like Leo
If you're on the shore, then you're sure not me, oh
Get the fuck up, this boat is real
Fuck land, I'm on a boat, motherfucker
Fuck trees, I climb buoys, motherfucker
I'm on the deck with my boys, motherfucker
This boat engine make noise, motherfucker
Hey ma, if you could see me now
Arms spread wide on the starboard bow
Gonna fly this boat to the moon somehow
Like Kevin Garnett, anything is possible
Yeah, never thought I'd be on a boat
It's a big blue watery road
Poseidon, look at me, oh, all hands on deck
Never thought I'd see the day
When a big boat coming my way
Believe me when I say I porked a mermaid
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me
'Cause I'm sailing on a boat
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look
At the motherfucking boat

You're all welcome for that.  And the real thing...

No, seriously.  You're welcome.

And then the night came to an end for our new friends.  As we bid them good day, we had a choice to make.  A serious adult-type choice.  We could go back to the room and be responsible (sort of)...  Or...  We could go drink more.

SPOILER ALERT - We drank more...

We actually ended up at the bar we began and befriended some bartenders, who turned out to be quite amazing people.  Especially since they gave us shots and let us stay WAY after closing to shoot the shit and make some memories.

Which are, unfortunately, very foggy at this point of the evening.  I blame WHiskey.  Tis the drink of the devil!!

Thank you (once again) Misty!!  For not only creating a FANTASTIC weekend for us, but for also getting my drunk ass into a cab at some point and getting us back to the hotel safely!  YOU.  FUCKING.  ROCK.

I know what you must be thinking at this point:  "Did you see a ghost on your haunted pub tour?!?"  Well, I can only show you what I did catch on film.  And I'm pretty fucking sure that this will absolutely put an end to people wondering if ghosts are real...  


I dare you to try to sleep tonight.  I.  Double.  Dog.  Dare.  You.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

My Gal Misty - These are the Shenanigans of our Lives Part I

It finally happened again, guys.  One of the most amazing things ever...  I got to visit my AWESOME blogger friend, Misty, again.  Every time I go down there, she always sets up the most amazing day, and she did not disappoint this time.  No, my friends.  Not one bit!  In fact, this was the most epic Misty Adventure to date!!!  

This is why I keep going back for visits...  That, and her sweet ass!!!

My journey down was not disappointing either.  Because, as you may already know...  I love me some road trips!!!

Road Trip Selfie - A MUST for any serious road tripper!

I would steal the ever-loving fuck out of this van.  COBRAAAAA!!!!

The day of my visit was the day of the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special.  I love Doctor Who.  No, let me rephrase that.  I.  Love.  Doctor.  Who.  There are not many people I would miss such an epic event for.  In fact, I can count said people on one hand.  Misty is one of these people.  It's not easy to get on this list.  It's actually easier to get on my "People I will save during the impending Zombie Apocalypse" list.  

Don't.  Blink. 

So, in honor of my dearest Doctor, I simply had to stop at a random cemetery to find some weeping angels on my way to visit my true love, Waffle House... I mean, Misty (with a stop at Waffle House, of course...  Otherwise she'd be mad!!!).  

Is it weird that I have a photo album of romantic pictures of me and Waffle House??  HAHA!  Of course not!!  It's ME!!  It would be weird if I DIDN'T have one!!

And after my most spectacular meal, I was off!!  Misty totally outdid herself this time.  She got us tickets for Elf the Musical.  No, guys... Seriously...  ELF THE MUSICAL!!!  

Smiling is my favorite!!!!!!

And smile I did!!  The show was fantastic!  To the amazeballs songs to the Not-At-All-Will-Ferrell-Actor.  And I loved him...  Even though he was not Will Ferrell.  

Not Will Ferrell.

Also Not Will Ferrell.
You had me at Santas Dancing Like Strippers, Elf the Musical.  You had me at "Santas Dancing Like Strippers"...

Misty and I were having a grand ol' time.  Giggling like kids!  Whispering in hushed voices about the fabulous show!  We were in our Glory!!!  Until, that is, some fucking C.U. Next Tuesday got all up in Misty's grill with her dragon like face (and not a cute dragon!  NAY!!  A mean, Smaug of a dragon!!) and said "If you two don’t cut it out, I’m going to call the manager and report you!  I'm getting really sick of your shit!"

Silence.  Utter silence from the two girls known for clever comebacks.



After a few minutes, we managed to pick our jaws up off of the floor and the anger began to creep over us.  Us?!?  OUR SHIT?!?!  What.  The.  Fuck.  I mean, we were enjoying the show!  We were probably enjoying the show the most out of all the people there!  Like Care Bears on a cloud raining Skittles - This was the level of our happiness!

At intermission, we went to refuel our drinks and the anger began to turn into rage.  Why do Grinches come to Christmas Shows?!  Stay home and make your ugly husband miserable!!!  There's no need to be a jerk.

By the end of the show, however, I was ready to beat a bitch down.  Or, at the very least, step on the back of her shoe, thus giving her the flattest of all tires.  (Because we had more fun to be had and jail was not on our list of fun activities, you guys!!!)

But I gotta hand it to her...  She was fast for an old bitter broad.  Slinking through the crowd like Voldermort essence on the floor of the Forbidden Forrest, she was gone at a blink of an eye.  

Whatever...  We were off again, to meet Bluz, a fellow blogger whom I love!  It was our very first meeting so I was on my very best behavior.  I only dropped the C word once.  Because I'm a LADY!

Me and my boy, Bluz!

We met at a hipster bar.  I'm not sure what that means...  But we were going to go somewhere else until the bartender dropped the most sacred of promises:  Free Shots.  Yes.  We will stay just about anywhere for some free shots.  

His thumb was apparently delish!!

Unfortunately for the Bartender, he then had to deal with the likes of the three of us.  Bluz tried to have him take a picture of us and he mocked the fact that Bluz had an actual camera instead of a phone.  

Nobody makes fun of my bitches...  NOBODY.

Then it happened...  Whilst doing a flippy with a liquor bottle and trying to be all Patrick Swayze up in the place, he did the most unthinkable thing you could do in that situation in front of us.  

He.  Dropped.  It.

Oh HELL no!

I actually heard Mr. Swayze turn over in his grave.  We tried to let him redeem himself...  I mean, I will forgive lots of things if you give me a free shot... On fire.  But apparently there was some stupid rule at the bar foreboding shots on fire.  WHO EVEN MAKES UP A RULE LIKE THAT!!!  Why don't you just make a "we don't drink real alcohol at this bar, only non-alcoholic beer" rule.

That's how much that makes sense.  Answer:  IT DOESN'T!!!  Not one bit.  

This is what a classy bar looks like...  On fire.

Even with the vast disappointment of no setting fire to the bar and laughing maniacally, Misty decided it was a good time to barter with the young lad...  Actually, it was less barter and more "I just sold you to the Bartender".  

And you know what?  I don't even think she got anything for me.  That's just balls...  I hope she at least got some skittles or something.  I guess I'll never know...  Since I am currently writing this blog installment from his basement.  It's not so bad really.  I have a bucket...  And he gives me lots of lotion.  I guess it's so I don't get really dry in the winter.  He's kinda nice I guess.  

Oh... I'll put the lotion on, all right!!

And this is where I shall leave you.  Tune in for Part II - which involves such shenanigans as a Haunted Pub Crawl...  And WAY too much alcohol.  (Don't pretend to be surprised.  You knew this would happen.)