Tuesday, February 25, 2014

And this is why I'm not allowed to try internet dating... Ever

Here are some simple steps on how to fail at Internet dating:

1.  Drink a shit-ton of alcohol

This is totally going to be a good idea.


2.  Think to yourself, "Maybe I should start dating..."

Ok Cupid, let's give this a whirl...


3.  Have a glass of vodka

It's so good when it hits the lips


4.  Begin the tedious task of setting up your dating website

This isn't hard at all.  Piece of cake, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!


5.  Have more alcohol

One more for the *hic* road


6.  Answer all questions in relation to Chuck Norris...
  • What I'm Doing with my Life:  Watching Delta Force.
  • First Thing People Usually Notice About Me:  My ever-growing love for Chuck Norris.
  • Six Things I Could Never Do Without: 
    • Chuck Norris
    • Chuck Norris's Beard
    • Chuck Norris's Roundhouse Kick
    • That one time Chuck Norris ripped a man's still beating heart out of his chest and showed it to him before he died
    • I think that last one counts as 3 things...
Exactly almost like this

  •  On a Typical Friday Night I am:  Sacrificing virgins at my ultra cool Chuck Norris Altar
  • The Most Private Thing I'm Willing to Admit:  I don't even like Chuck Norris.

But, I really do like him.  Some might say too much...  But I just roundhouse kick those people in the face.  So, they really don't matter.  Since they're dead.

7.  Laugh maniacally at your cleverness before passing out on the floor with your dog.


BEHOLD THE CLEVERNESS OF ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

8.  Wake up to 57 messages the next day and over 100 flirty winky shits


9.  Become totally overwhelmed and let your social anxiety create a panic attack.


10.  Delete your account immediately and vow to be a spinster

Oh Cupid!!!  You so crazy! 

But now I will have to kill you...


11.  Take up knitting as a hobby


And THAT, my friends, is why I am no good at, nor will I ever be good at dating.  I just wish I liked cats more.  Is there such thing as a crazy sock puppet lady?!?


We do make a damn good team, me and my socks.

18 comments:

  1. You're going to be an AMAZING spinster some day! So am I. I'm no good at the dating thing either. I always say the wrong thing at the wrong time and people question whether or not I'm actually a serial killer.
    Wait... Does a spinster actually have to spin things? Because, umm... the only thing I'm good at spinning is kids in office chairs until they throw up.
    Shit. I may have to rethink my entire future now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OH SHIT!! I can't spin either. I get sick on the Tilt A Whirl. Is there a less spinny name for spinster???

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  2. I'm pretty sure that you could put how you enjoy murdering dates and there would still be a slew of dudes messaging you. Ignore the messages and hunt down a profile that matches your interests, like a clown-hating-booze-enthusiast.
    Don't do knitting. Go crochet. That's what the hip kids are doing...I think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crocheting seems hard. I think I'll just drink instead and wait for the perfect man to come knock on my door. Yes, this plan shall totally work!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  3. Do it! Be the crazy sock puppet lady. You can have your own YouTube channel, and it will be glorious!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would be an EPIC crazy sock puppet lady!! EPIC!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  4. You're too cute to be a spinster. But, internet dating is no bueno. Cut that shit out.

    If all else fails, we'll all move to Utah and you can marry me and the hubs! Problem solved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the Utah plan! Let's go with that! Wait... Do they have alcohol in Utah??

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  5. This was bloody funny, and considering how damn cute you look with cupid I find it hard to believe you would need internet dating..........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I scare people. I should probably wash blood off more thoroughly...

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  6. You're too much woman for one man, or one woman, or one couple. Face it, you need minions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I TOTALLY NEED MINIONS!!!!!

      You get me. I love you.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  7. Dating is so hard! But you are too young to be a spinster so you'll just have to suck it up. Besides- you're a catch! Good thing you know how to fight off the suitors with those amazing Karate kicks. (Suitors is an old fashioned word you are too young to understand. Just trust me on this one.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been using "Gentlemen Callers"... Because that's what Blanche Devereaux would do! :)

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  8. Did my first comment not go through? Or did it not get approved? Are the monkey out to get me?! What's your game, Val?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry! I approved it late. It's on there though. Scout's Honor!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  9. Internet dating will offer you so much great fodder for your already funny blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully it will not lead to me crying in fetal position on my kitchen floor. I'm an ugly crier...

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete