Sunday, February 23, 2014

It's time we all joined forces and rid this world of the Evil Clown Menace once and for all. WHO'S WITH ME???

Remember how I told you about my phobia of clowns?   Well, it's been a real problem for me all my life.  I mean, not like an "OH MY GOD I CAN NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!!" kind of problem, but it has hindered my ability to visit circuses and children's events in the fear that I might be attacked by one of those soulless beasts.


Halloween isn't usually a time for me to worry too much about it.  Not many people dress up like clowns anymore.  Thank the gods for that shit.  So you could imagine my surprise when I spotted one at a Halloween parade that I took my kids to last year with my family.


Most of the time, people who dress up like clowns are a lot like sharks...  If you don't show fear or put your period blood in the water, you should be ok.  Sure.  You might lose a limb, but you will survive.  So, I was prepared to do what I would usually do in this sort of situation...  Freak the fuck out and hide behind an adult until it goes away.


You know when that doesn't work?  It doesn't work when someone you went to high school with is at said parade and remembers how terrified you were of clowns back then.  It also doesn't work when that same person proceeds to tell the evil man dressed as a clown and holding a knife that the "girl over there hiding behind the tree is afraid of you and you should probably stalk her for the next hour."



Because that is exactly what happened.  Do you want to know how I spent the parade?


I spent it hiding behind trees.

I spent it hiding behind people.

And I mostly spent it hiding behind this big van where I could keep and eye on him.



At one point I was spotted and so I took off running.  Luckily I was able to hide behind the EMT table.  They didn't seem to mind too much.  Especially once I told them that a clown was trying to kill me.  No, their laughter was just enough to throw the clown off of my scent.  Because who would be laughing in a situation like this?


Do you want to know who would be laughing in a situation like this?

My mom.
My sister-in-law.
My sister-in-law's cousins.
My sister-in-law's cousins' children.
My own children.
And most importantly...


This motherfucker.  Thanks a shitload, Kenee.  I will get you for this.  And my revenge will be so much worse than your worst nightmare.  <3

21 comments:

  1. Why is he holding a knife!?! That's just straight evil. You know what would be worse? If a tiny car pulled up and no, not clowns, but MIMES started pouring out of the car holding tiny chainsaws.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RIGHT?!? And before he started stalking me, he was sneaking up on children scaring the fuck out of them. Usually that's hilarious. But not when there's clowns involved.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  2. If you're afraid of clowns, you may want to avoid C-Span, then.
    BTW, I thought of you on Saturday (no, not in that way...I'm in late middle age and I think I have issues for which they commercials). Anyway, Mrs. Penwasser and I went to The Dump in Langhorne looking to purchase a rug (in which I think she plans to roll my dead body). Anyway, I saw this topless Hindu lady statue. I had an urge to lick it, but since I knew Mrs. Penwasser would not have wanted to take my picture, I thought better of it. At least if the other customers saw someone taking my picture, they would think it was less creepy. Yeah. Probably not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not mad that you didn't lick it... Just, disappointed.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  3. So . . . blog about creepy and probably possessed hole in the floor, then blog about creepy knife wielding clown. Basically, your goal in life is to make sure I never sleep again, correct? Well played, madame. Well played.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just abandoned laundry in my basement because I heard that girl climbing up the hole. I'm totally never sleeping again.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  4. The reason clowns wear makeup is so that they aren't recognized by anyone who witnesses their evil deeds prior to their dashing off into the night.

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    Replies
    1. Ingenious. And totally true.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  5. See, you went at this all wrong. Several years ago, I was a security guard in a factory in a small town. One summer Saturday I had to work 10 AM to 10 PM, and the town's festival- an area highlight- had all lanes blocked. My (now ex) wife dropped me off about a mile from the plant on a dirt road leading into town. I got in town just as the parade was heading my way. I was in no mood at this point. As I drew near, a clown started coming towards me. I glared the glare of a man who'd just had to walk a mile in a security cop uniform in 85 degree weather because of people just like the clown. My grip on my lunchbox turned my knuckles white, and I slowly raised it above belt level. I didn't know a painted on smile could turn into a frown, let alone that quick. Needless to say, the clown found others to share joy with.

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  6. I can't wait to read the blog about the revenge you get on Kenee.

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    Replies
    1. I'll find out where he lives sooner or later.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  7. Are there any other type of clowns other than the evil ones.........................lol
    I am not a big fan of clowns but they don't freak me out as much as big bird does........just saying

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No. It's a fact that all clowns are evil. Fact.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  8. Don't worry clowns will only kill you if they see you looking at them. This should help....right? Hey! Are you listening? Oh hey look at that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We need to kill them all. With fire. Now.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  9. I like to stand very close to clowns, because they help make both my feet, and my rosacea look better. Of course, I frisk them first. Hope you're feeling better!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am feeling wonderful! Thank you!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  10. I know I'm a blog behind on this comment... but what about Puddles? You know, the seven foot tall singing clown? He's all right, yes? Surely, he gets a pass? I mean, he may be ENORMOUS and creepy, but he sings so well! See?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBmCJEehYtU

    Shit... wait. Does posting that put me in the same boat as Kenee?

    ReplyDelete