With that being said, I LOVE MY NEW PLACE!!! I mean, seriously could not be happier. What's not to love?? I. Don't. Have. To. Wear. Pants. And who doesn't love being pantsless?! I am absolutely, positively in love with everything about my abode.
Well... Except one thing.
There is evil in the basement, guys. But, like... EVIIIIIL!! I know what you're thinking. "Oh calm down, Valerie. It's just a basement. All basements are scary." Well, it's seriously horrifying down there so FUCK OFF!!
I'm sorry, baby. You know I didn't mean that. Come give me some lovins.
Look, give me a second to explain. I swear I'm not being a pussy. I was just down there with Odd doing laundry, minding my own business, when he started whining at the portal to the center of hell in the floor. And we all know how dogs can sense darkness and stuff of that nature.
Oh, did I not mention that there was a portal to hell in the middle of the basement floor? My bad. I probably should have led in with that one. I'm a little rusty on the storytelling rules as I've been out of the blogging game for a wee bit.
I have no idea why it's even there. And to be honest, I don't care. I have seen WAY too many horror movies to be ok with this. In fact, there are so many fucking horror movies with things coming out of holes and whatnot, that I can't even look down in to see how deep it is.
Here are some key examples of how holes in the ground never turn out to be a good thing.
1. The Gate: This is a movie about a hole to a demon dimension accidentally opened up by some stupid ass kid. In the end they close up the gate by throwing a firecracker in it. Or some shit like that. I can't really remember. All I know is there is one part of the movie in which the kid gets an eyeball on his hand. AN EYEBALL IN HIS HAND!!! It really freaked me out. I can name lots of things that having an eyeball in my hand will fuck up for me. But, for the most part, it's masturbation.
|I don't need this Carnie shit in my life right now.|
|Nothing good can come from having an eyeball here. Literally... See what I did there?!? NAILED IT!!|
2. The Evil Dead: One of my favorite horrors of all time. While the demons in this movie didn't actually come through a hole, I'm gonna relate this one to my situation since there was a demon in the basement trapdoor for most of it. Also, because I'm 130% sure that there is a demon in the hole in my basement.
|There is no way in hell that I will ever be able to look down that hole. Ever.|
3. Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV show): Sunnydale was on a Hell Mouth... And none of the shit that went down there was ever ok. It was one apocalypse after another. Nonstop. Which is fine. I mean, if I'm the Chosen One, then so be it. But I have a job... And the Powers that Be aren't paying my bills.
|This is exactly the kind of luck I have. Just settled in and happy for the first time in ages. Then, BAM!!! End of the world battle. Figures.|
4. And most importantly... The Ring: Do. I. Even. Need. To. Say. It?!? That horrible little girl comes out of a fucking well, guys. A FUCKING WELL!!!! I'm pretty sure this is exactly the same thing. Not to mention that my well has a handy, dandy fire pole type apparatus going down it to help that little fucker climb out. Honestly?!? Why didn't they just install an escalator.
|Nope. I won't have nightmares at all tonight!!|
|Not even a little bit.|
|I'm never sleeping again.|
|In fact, I'll go put a pot of coffee on now.|
|I mean, pack my shit up.|
|Yeaaaaa... I don't really need all this shit anyway. I'll just go.|
|I think I just wet myself.|
As you can tell, I'm obviously either doomed to be killed by a little girl demon (that is not my daughter), or I'm destined to save the world repeatedly from various apocalypse scenarios (crossing my fingers for zombies!!). I would like to think that it's the latter however. Because I'm optimistic like that.
In retrospect, I probably should have waited on putting so much thought into this topic until after I finished the laundry. Damn it! If you fuckers don't hear from me again... AVENGE ME!!!