Monday, February 17, 2014

The Bitch is Back! Ok... I'm not really a bitch. I'm actually quite a nice person once you get to know me. So stop being all judgy and shit.

Hello my lovely blog friends!!  I am FINALLY mostly settled into the new place and ready to get back into this blogging thang.  The place is a work in progress since I still need to hang some shit up, but I'll be sure to give you all the tour once everything is done.


With that being said, I LOVE MY NEW PLACE!!!  I mean, seriously could not be happier.  What's not to love??  I.  Don't.  Have.  To.  Wear.  Pants.  And who doesn't love being pantsless?!  I am absolutely, positively in love with everything about my abode.  


Everything.


Well...  Except one thing.


There is evil in the basement, guys.  But, like...  EVIIIIIL!!  I know what you're thinking.  "Oh calm down, Valerie.  It's just a basement.  All basements are scary."  Well, it's seriously horrifying down there so FUCK OFF!!


I'm sorry, baby.  You know I didn't mean that.  Come give me some lovins.


Look, give me a second to explain.  I swear I'm not being a pussy.  I was just down there with Odd doing laundry, minding my own business, when he started whining at the portal to the center of hell in the floor.  And we all know how dogs can sense darkness and stuff of that nature. 


Oh, did I not mention that there was a portal to hell in the middle of the basement floor?  My bad.  I probably should have led in with that one.  I'm a little rusty on the storytelling rules as I've been out of the blogging game for a wee bit.



WHAT.  IS.  THAT?!?  I tried taking a picture of it and it came out all fuzzy. You can't take snapshots of Evil.  Everybody knows that Evil isn't photogenic, and it HATES that about itself.  So it purposely just fucks up every picture.  Even when family visits.  Because Evil doesn't give a rat's ass that this is Gammy's last Christmas and maybe everybody would like to have a picture together that they can later frame.  Now the picture is fucking ruined because of this dickwad...  But, I digress.

I have no idea why it's even there.  And to be honest, I don't care.  I have seen WAY too many horror movies to be ok with this.  In fact, there are so many fucking horror movies with things coming out of holes and whatnot, that I can't even look down in to see how deep it is.  


Here are some key examples of how holes in the ground never turn out to be a good thing.

1.  The Gate:  This is a movie about a hole to a demon dimension accidentally opened up by some stupid ass kid.  In the end they close up the gate by throwing a firecracker in it.  Or some shit like that.  I can't really remember.  All I know is there is one part of the movie in which the kid gets an eyeball on his hand.  AN EYEBALL IN HIS HAND!!!  It really freaked me out.  I can name lots of things that having an eyeball in my hand will fuck up for me.  But, for the most part, it's masturbation.

I don't need this Carnie shit in my life right now. 

Nothing good can come from having an eyeball here.  Literally...  See what I did there?!?  NAILED IT!!


2.  The Evil Dead:  One of my favorite horrors of all time.  While the demons in this movie didn't actually come through a hole, I'm gonna relate this one to my situation since there was a demon in the basement trapdoor for most of it.  Also, because I'm 130% sure that there is a demon in the hole in my basement.

There is no way in hell that I will ever be able to look down that hole.  Ever.


3.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV show):  Sunnydale was on a Hell Mouth...  And none of the shit that went down there was ever ok.  It was one apocalypse after another.  Nonstop.  Which is fine.  I mean, if I'm the Chosen One, then so be it.  But I have a job...  And the Powers that Be aren't paying my bills. 

This is exactly the kind of luck I have.  Just settled in and happy for the first time in ages.  Then, BAM!!!  End of the world battle.  Figures.


4.  And most importantly...  The Ring:  Do.  I.  Even.  Need.  To.  Say.  It?!?  That horrible little girl comes out of a fucking well, guys.  A FUCKING WELL!!!!  I'm pretty sure this is exactly the same thing.  Not to mention that my well has a handy, dandy fire pole type apparatus going down it to help that little fucker climb out.  Honestly?!?  Why didn't they just install an escalator. 

Nope.  I won't have nightmares at all tonight!!

Not even a little bit. 
I'm never sleeping again.
In fact, I'll go put a pot of coffee on now.

I mean, pack my shit up.

Yeaaaaa...  I don't really need all this shit anyway.  I'll just go.
I think I just wet myself.


As you can tell, I'm obviously either doomed to be killed by a little girl demon (that is not my daughter), or I'm destined to save the world repeatedly from various apocalypse scenarios (crossing my fingers for zombies!!).  I would like to think that it's the latter however.  Because I'm optimistic like that.


In retrospect, I probably should have waited on putting so much thought into this topic until after I finished the laundry.  Damn it!  If you fuckers don't hear from me again...  AVENGE ME!!!

26 comments:

  1. Avenge you? I can't even watch The Gate without soiling myself, what chance do i have against the evil crawling up through the hole in your basement?
    Welcome back! I was just wondering if we'd see you again, after I went into a closet and a mannequin arm fell on my head (a gift from you).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's like the arm was trying to tell you of my come back!!!

      Also, you MUST avenge me!! Even if it means just shitting your pants and running away. I'll take it.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  2. When construction guys put those holes in basements, do they have any clue the nightmares that ensue? Why? Why???

    Welcome back and welcome home! Great story here- you haven't lost your blogging mojo. You've come back with a bang. Or someone did. Maybe the evil in your basement?

    Well, no matter, whoever... it's excellent! Great to see you! (And good thing you don't have to wear pants since you probably won't be able to finish laundry.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I was a bit nervous returning. I wasn't even sure where to start!!

      I have taken to only doing laundry during daytime hours. I just can't go down there at night. Nope... Fuck THAT noise!!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

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  3. Awww, c'mon, apart from a little portal to hell in the middle of the basement, you LOVE the place, right? Right??? Well, then, what's a little portal to hell got to do with anything?

    Glad you're back, and looking forward to a proper tour...just get the protective rune wallpaper and garlic hanging baskets sorted out first though...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It wouldn't be home until I cast the appropriate protective spells warding me against clowns, vampires and Jehovah Witnesses.

      Glad to be back... FINALLY!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

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  4. welcome back gorgeous. my daughter Prue has never been the same since she saw 'the ring', she wont even talk about it xxx

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    Replies
    1. I don't even blame her. I can't even look at that hole without my imagination getting the best of my. It just SCREAMS evil!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  5. Not to put a wet blanket on the horror party, but I think what you got there is a sump pump. It keeps your basement from flooding (and turning it into an actual watery hellhole.)

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    Replies
    1. I think the well that the Ring girl came out of was a sump pump, wasn't it? I dunno man... It was round and wet and I think it's close enough. (Also, THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!! BAM! NAILED IT!!)

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  6. Thanks for the warning. I was thinking of visiting, but it's much safer (and less Hole-y) down here in MD. Less chance of being dragged into a pit of Mordor? Yeah, get your ass down here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am totally due for some Misty Shenanigans!!!!! Overdue actually!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

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  7. That's a Hell portal alright. I know one when I see one. There's only one solution: You have to feed it virgins on a daily basis to appease its appetite, or else...

    What I'm saying is you gotta start driving a black van with tinted windows to Star Wars conventions.

    Welcome back, yo!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good thing I am an expert at locating virgins. It's kind of my thing.

      Thanks!! So glad to be back!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  8. It probably is just a sump pump. But you should totally put boards over most of it or something heavy. We had one growing up and I hated it; but ours had a piece of plywood that dad had cut to fit over 90% of the hole.

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    Replies
    1. I think you're right. I don't understand why it's even open like that. Except to let evil out. I will talk to my landlord about the evil infestation.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  9. Well all things evil live in basements or do they......................I am not sure but then I don't have a basement and if I did wouldn't go down into it just to be safe

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    Replies
    1. You are correct. It's not a rumor. Everything that has ever been evil has once been in a basement. True Story.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  10. That looks like it's for the sump pump.
    My basement is not good. To go down, there's the heavy trap door and lowering myself down to the first step. It's not worth going down.

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    1. WHOA!!! Trapdoor!?! NO! NO MAN!! You stay right the fuck out of there. Never go there. Ever. Promise me!!! PROMISE ME!!!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  11. I saw my first and last horror movie when I was 12 and was so traumatized I had nightmares for years. If that hole wasn't going to keep you from flooding, I would suggest you plug it in. If you are really worried, you can always bolt the door to the basement, and do laundry at a laundry mat. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have taken to doing laundry only during the daylight when the evil is sleeping. Otherwise, I never go there. Not ever. Mama didn't raise no fool!

      Hugs!

      Valerie

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  12. Are you leaving peace offerings? I would leave peace offerings.

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    Replies
    1. This is a good idea!! Tomorrow before I leave for work, I will leave 4 chocolate chip cookies. Bitches love cookies.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete
  13. If you just pee in the hole it drives the evelish being away. Especially after a night of heavy drinking and it wouldn't hurt to have a UTI at the same time.
    Trust me I know. One particular house I had to resort to #2.

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    Replies
    1. What if I go to squat over the hole to pee and Evil jumps out and possesses me through my asshole?! Is that something that could happen?? Because I feel like it is.

      Hugs!

      Valerie

      Delete