Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Roller Coasters... The Ninth Level of Hell

If you guys have been following for a while, you may have noticed that I like to do some unusual and exciting things.  Hang gliding, sky diving, cage diving with great white sharks...  Yea, I've done those.  

Roller coasters though?  Well, I go on them, yes.  But do I like them?  Fuck no.  I mean, I love them...  After the ride is over and my feet are safely planted back on the ground? Fuck yea it's the best feeling ever!  But during the actual ride?  Nah, man...  I could kill a bitch.

In fact, I might be known to curse bloody murder at anyone in my general vicinity.  


Ok... It's true.  I simply lose my shit.  Every time.  My kids think it's hilarious.  Recently, we went to Hershey Park and Jasmyn was finally able to go on her very first big girl roller coaster.  

But this coaster was no joke, guys.  Seriously.  It was of the boomerang variety...  Which means it pulls you back up really fucking high (like "oh! I can see my car from here" high), shoots you through various loops at intense speeds (that I'm pretty sure the Gods frown upon) and then does it again...  BACKWARDS (because THAT'S exactly what we all fucking need in our lives).

To say that I spent the entire 30 seconds of the ride cursing everyone whom were not only on the ride, but designed it in the first place, would be an understatement.  In fact, the kids in front of me learned some colorful new phrases that day.*

*On a side note, I'm especially sorry to anyone who had to explain to their children what a "thundercunting cocknibbler" was.  My bad.  And I didn't really mean it when I yelled "you're mom had a herpes flare up the night she birthed you out of her who-ha."  That's most likely not true.  I mean...  It could be, but that wasn't the time nor the place to receive news of that magnitude.  It should probably be at a fondue restaurant.  I hear they're really nice.  And nothing says love like a nice cheese platter.  However, it would seem that I am only able to speak in profanities when I am frightened.  It's the ol' "fight or flight or curse everyone out" response trigger.  And that's just built into our subconscious. I can't be blamed for nature, you guys.  

Well, whilst I was busy making lots of new friends on the ride, Jasmyn was screaming "THIS.  IS.  AWESOME!!!!!" at the top of her lungs.

I'm not saying she was trying to make me look like a fool out there... But it is Jasmyn.  So, she was most likely trying to make me look like a fool out there.

Luckily, she couldn't get on the next ride I went on with Alyssa and my brother. 

Because she MIGHT of had some serious ammunition on this one.

Just... Maybe...


  1. You are braver than me, I won't even ride the really big ones . . . leaving you to giggle over that reply.

  2. rollercoasters .......shudder...........not for me I'm afraid x

  3. Your cursing seems unusually salient and verbose. Mine devolve with a quickness to the point I mix up curse words. SHUCK! Fusshole!

  4. I went on one . . . ONE coaster in the last few years and that was enough for me, thanks. Took some major cajones to even get on that thing, based on my past experience of almost dying on one, but I surely don't need any of that insanity in my life again. My kids are crazy scared of them, despite our best efforts to make them do more adventurous things, so for now, I'm good. Plus, I have a built in (my belly) excuse for the foreseeable future!

  5. Hahahahha!! The look on your face is priceless. :D

    I rode the Boomerang at Wild Adventures in Georgia. Cool ride! Um, now that I'm safely planted on the ground. lol

  6. I can't go on those, they're too likely to give me a brain aneurysm.

  7. I know what you are saying. I rode one at Cedar Point years back, swore I wished God would just throw me off and let me die. On terra firma, I decided it couldn't possibly be as bad as I made it out to be and went again. I was wrong.

  8. I have never been on a roller coaster I would be scared shitless

  9. LOL! Sorry, can't help thinking of the fairground scene in Despicable Me now...

  10. Hilarious!
    I won't be riding that one anytime soon. Thankfully- I got to live it through you.
    Freaking hilarious!

  11. ROTFL over "thundercunting." HAH!!!!! :-D