Tuesday, June 10, 2014

The Attack of Spiderzilla

Monday morning I was minding my own business...  Just moseying on about my morning routine.  My dining room has a large sliding closet where I keep my recyclables, Odd's food bin and the broom, amongst other items. And just like any other morning, I opened the closet, scooped some food into Odd's bowl and went to go close the closet door.

And that's when I saw it...


I don't know if the picture does this thing justice...  But this fucker was huge.  And angry...  And I'm pretty sure she was suffering from gamma radiation poisoning.  Which is exactly why, instead of killing it (which is bad luck by the way!!!), I just slowly closed the closet door and walked away.

Me:  Children, I have an announcement.  We, as a family, have surrendered the use of the dining room closet.  It shall henceforth be occupied only by The One Known As Spiderzilla.  No one is to go in there again.  I repeat...  No.  One.  Is.  To.  Go.  In.  There.  Again.

Alyssa & Jazz:  OMG!!!  CAN WE SEE THE SPIDER!!!

So... I grudgingly showed them why we are no longer using said closet.  It was a 2-1 vote that we should indeed just let it go.  Of course Jasmyn was all "Just kill it!  It's just a bug, mommy!" It's NOT just a bug, Smarty Pants!!!  IT'S AN ARACHNID!!!

Fucking kid.

Unfortunately, my mom also had a different opinion...  That involved Spiderzilla leaving the shrine we had devoted to her... and taking over the apartment...  with a plethora of children...  who, for some horrible reason, want to climb into my ears and lay eggs in my brain.

I need my brain, you guys.  For watching cat videos on the internet and such.

So...  It was decided.  Spiderzilla had to die.

Our weapons were chosen appropriately for the battle that lay ahead.

Using my Ultra Ninja Stealth Mode, I opened the closet prepared for attack!

Determined and ready to face our glory... or demise, Jazz and I rushed forward.


But alas, she was nowhere to be seen.

We had to get deeper...  Into the heart of the closet.  Where her nest would be.  The battle-ready warriors marched on.

At this point I began to think that we may never find her...  That she may have evolved into some Predator-like animal.  Her camouflage would be beyond our comprehension.  It was also at this point that I began to wonder if Jasmyn's heart was really in the fight.

While her soul was pure, there was no doubt in that...  I began to wonder if she really even wanted to find The One Known As Spiderzilla.

No, seriously Kid.  Do you even have my back on this??

And that's when I realized our prey had won.  You live to fight another day, Spiderzilla...  Just PLEASE don't put your babies in my ears!!!!


  1. I know intellectually it's just a picture, but GAH! LOOK AT THAT THING! I can smell the poison dripping from its mandibles! Gross gross gross gross gross. What if Spiderzilla is a breeder and just waiting to unleash some Spiderzookys on your joint. This may be a situation where you need to burn down the joint for the insurance money.

  2. Pickleope gets major props for using the term Spiderzookys. Oh, and I recommend concussion grenades...if you can get those sorts of things.

  3. But wait, what if that WAS one of the babies? What if . . . that's the mini size of the many that are currently scurrying through your abode. Can you imagine the size of the mother? ;)

  4. Yeah, that was turning into a fashion-shoot at the end!

  5. Okay- Jasmyn is a doll! She's so cute. And you my dear Valerie, look fabulous!

    Spider doesn't have a chance in your house. I'm sure she left. Sure.

  6. When I was younger I would get freaked out by spiders but not so much anymore I am mum and had to deal with the spiders found in the house.

  7. But if it's radioactive and you let it bite you, you could climb walls and shit. Hmm...come to think of it, you don't need a spider bite to shit.
    Carry on.

  8. I like to use bug spray and watch them wig out, struggling to climb out of the wet, sticky concoction making them feel as if they are on fire. I don't even look away until they've flipped themselves over onto their backs and hemorrhage until their legs cramp up and curl into their bodies. This sounds like a great Facebook status. I think I'll use it. *saving*

  9. Awww...poor ickle spidey-widey...

  10. I think we found her. "Mom, there's a giant spider in my room." "where is it?" "right there . . . oh no, it's gone . . . " and then we lost him again. But don't worry you should be safe if Spiderzilla has really made it half way around the world already.

  11. So what you're saying is that this spider was bitten by a radioactive lizard and gained superpowers? Because I hope that's what you're saying. I'd pay a lot of money to see that movie. All of the money, to be exact.