Wednesday, June 18, 2014

The moment I lost ALL my fucks and my shit

As you may already know, my basement is haunted as all fuck.  As such, I usually avoid going down there at night at all costs.

But, like, ALL COSTS.

Seriously, once the sun goes down, you'd have to drag me down there by my hair, kicking and screaming bloody murder.  However, last week the boyfriend was coming over.  I realized what had to be done.  Unfortunately, I realized it at nighttime.  That's right...  My sheets had to be washed.

You know...  In...  In case I decided to lose my virginity.  Which I totally didn't.


Anyway...  I threw my sheets in the wash just as the sun was setting.  But unfortunately for me, they needed to go in the dryer and then be retrieved as well.  Which meant two additional trips to the basement.


Since I hadn't been down there at nighttime in quite a bit, I honestly approached the task unafraid...  Like a motherfucking fool.  Do you know what I got for my bravery?? 

A face full of bat.

Of Bat.


Now, I love animals.  I love bugs.  I love some people.  But you know what I don't love?  Do you know what I straight up hate???  Erratic flying things.  So, here I was moseying along when out of nowhere, a bat swoops my face.  Not once, you guys.  Because I didn't realize what was happening after the first swoop.  I thought I was, perhaps, finally going full blown crazy.  The second swoop corrected that feeling.  Yes, corrected it and sent me running upstairs at the speed of light.

When Alyssa saw me in the living room, leaning against the wall, losing all my shit, she did what any concerned pre-teen would do.  

She pointed and laughed...  Laughed until tears welled up in her eyes.  So, in turn, I did what any good mom would do.

I made her come down to the basement with me.  Because FUCK THAT NOISE!!!

My washer and dryer are located on the Dark Side of the basement.  Meaning, to get light on that side, one needs to walk into the darkness and pull the light on.  There are two sets of these lights.  Here...  I've drawn you a nifty diagram.  Because I'm a helper.

You're welcome.

Using my ninja stealth, I managed to get to light #1 and flick it on.  I surveyed the area, not finding the menace.  I immediately made a break for light #2.  And that's when it happened.

Light #1 broke, you guys.  Light #1 was down...  and I was in the middle of The Dark.  

Obviously, Alyssa and I handled this as to be expected.  Meaning, we ran screaming bloody murder back upstairs.

I'm sure you're thinking "Fuck, Val.  Just leave the sheets til morning!"  And that plan was all well and good...  If I hadn't been washing Scooby, my trusty stuffed animal.  

Don't judge me.

Never leave a man behind.  That's what they teach you...  Somewhere.  I don't know where...  Maybe that was in a movie?  Whatever, it's a damn good rule.  Unless, of course, you didn't like that man in the first place.  Then I'm pretty sure it's ok to leave him behind.  Then the death isn't you're fault.  Not... Really.

But I love Scooby...  And we were on a search and rescue mission.  Scooby needed to get to that dryer, then to my bed.  And so, we went down there again.

Did I mention that, being a responsible adult, I don't have any flashlights?  Yea.  I meant to get on that at some point.  But didn't.  Whatever, man.  There's a fucking flashlight on my phone.  I was going for light #2...  So I left my phone flashlight with Alyssa with specific instructions...  In fact, our plan was flawless...

  1. Army-crawl to light #2
  2. Turn light on
  3. Should light go off, have Alyssa on standby with phone light aimed and ready to go
  4. Survey area for immediate erratically flying threats
  5. Get Scooby and sheets into dryer
  6. Turn off light because electricity is expensive as all fuck
  7. Fucking.  Run.

It was a good plan.  A strong one.  Hell, man.  It was all we had.  Do you remember the Little Mermaid incident?  You know...  The one where Alyssa secretly recorded me singing to one of my favorite movies?  Yea...  Well, this time she videoed me freaking out in my basement.  Because she is a sweetheart.  

I wasn't gonna post this video...  Because obviously I'm a big floppy pussy in it.  But, if you all promise not to show anyone, I think we'll be good.

I can trust you all right??

I thought so.

But before the video, I'm sure you're wondering what became of the bat.  Well, it disappeared.  You read that right.  The fucker disappeared!!  Which only really leaves one explanation...


I have a hobo vampire squatting in my basement.

This fucker is SO haunted.

I need to move before the walls start bleeding and a disembodied voice tells me to get out.


Stop judging me...


  1. What the hell!?! How does a bat get down there? Hobo vampire is the only explanation. Are you totally sure it's not Batman trying to recruit you to be Robin?
    The video is hilarious. I love you keeping low, then, the light goes out and it turns into the Blair Witch Project. Good stuff.

  2. That fucker is totally haunted. And have you NOT learned your lesson about giving Alyssa your phone yet? Then again, if the vampire hobo had swooped down and snatched you away, at least she would have had documentation of the incident to show the authorities . . . until they snatched her, too.

  3. Hilarious! :D

    Alyssa is the bombdiggity. lol

  4. What good does keeping low do?

  5. That was way better than The Blair Witch and with a much happier ending.

    Alyssa-keep up the good work!

  6. The bat would have been it for me. Really IT. I would be hand washing the sheets in the kitchen, or better still burning them, tossing the flaming ball of sheets down the steps and running for the hills. I don't like bats either.

  7. At least we know the bat isn't living in the walls with his own elevator system....I didn't just think that out loud did I? I'd have grabbed wet scooby and wrapped myself in sheets to escape...and probably would've wrapped the bat in with me, so on second thought, I'd have just stood there screaming!

  8. "It's behind you!" ROFL. Alyssa is so sweet and supportive :)

    And as for the bat, isn't it obvious? It flew off to mate with Spiderzilla and have lots of little vampire bat-spiders. Duh!

  9. Spiderzilla. Bats in the basement. Are you sure you haven't inherited a haunted mansion from a rich British gentleman who died under mysterious circumstances?

  10. 'never leave a man behind' I am laughing my ample ass off here. Oh Val..........vampires ? Lets hope it is more David Boreanez as Angel than Robert Patterson as Edward. lol . Made my day x