Tuesday, February 25, 2014

And this is why I'm not allowed to try internet dating... Ever

Here are some simple steps on how to fail at Internet dating:

1.  Drink a shit-ton of alcohol

This is totally going to be a good idea.

2.  Think to yourself, "Maybe I should start dating..."

Ok Cupid, let's give this a whirl...

3.  Have a glass of vodka

It's so good when it hits the lips

4.  Begin the tedious task of setting up your dating website

This isn't hard at all.  Piece of cake, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

5.  Have more alcohol

One more for the *hic* road

6.  Answer all questions in relation to Chuck Norris...
  • What I'm Doing with my Life:  Watching Delta Force.
  • First Thing People Usually Notice About Me:  My ever-growing love for Chuck Norris.
  • Six Things I Could Never Do Without: 
    • Chuck Norris
    • Chuck Norris's Beard
    • Chuck Norris's Roundhouse Kick
    • That one time Chuck Norris ripped a man's still beating heart out of his chest and showed it to him before he died
    • I think that last one counts as 3 things...
Exactly almost like this

  •  On a Typical Friday Night I am:  Sacrificing virgins at my ultra cool Chuck Norris Altar
  • The Most Private Thing I'm Willing to Admit:  I don't even like Chuck Norris.

But, I really do like him.  Some might say too much...  But I just roundhouse kick those people in the face.  So, they really don't matter.  Since they're dead.

7.  Laugh maniacally at your cleverness before passing out on the floor with your dog.

BEHOLD THE CLEVERNESS OF ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

8.  Wake up to 57 messages the next day and over 100 flirty winky shits

9.  Become totally overwhelmed and let your social anxiety create a panic attack.

10.  Delete your account immediately and vow to be a spinster

Oh Cupid!!!  You so crazy! 

But now I will have to kill you...

11.  Take up knitting as a hobby

And THAT, my friends, is why I am no good at, nor will I ever be good at dating.  I just wish I liked cats more.  Is there such thing as a crazy sock puppet lady?!?

We do make a damn good team, me and my socks.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

It's time we all joined forces and rid this world of the Evil Clown Menace once and for all. WHO'S WITH ME???

Remember how I told you about my phobia of clowns?   Well, it's been a real problem for me all my life.  I mean, not like an "OH MY GOD I CAN NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE!!" kind of problem, but it has hindered my ability to visit circuses and children's events in the fear that I might be attacked by one of those soulless beasts.

Halloween isn't usually a time for me to worry too much about it.  Not many people dress up like clowns anymore.  Thank the gods for that shit.  So you could imagine my surprise when I spotted one at a Halloween parade that I took my kids to last year with my family.

Most of the time, people who dress up like clowns are a lot like sharks...  If you don't show fear or put your period blood in the water, you should be ok.  Sure.  You might lose a limb, but you will survive.  So, I was prepared to do what I would usually do in this sort of situation...  Freak the fuck out and hide behind an adult until it goes away.

You know when that doesn't work?  It doesn't work when someone you went to high school with is at said parade and remembers how terrified you were of clowns back then.  It also doesn't work when that same person proceeds to tell the evil man dressed as a clown and holding a knife that the "girl over there hiding behind the tree is afraid of you and you should probably stalk her for the next hour."

Because that is exactly what happened.  Do you want to know how I spent the parade?

I spent it hiding behind trees.

I spent it hiding behind people.

And I mostly spent it hiding behind this big van where I could keep and eye on him.

At one point I was spotted and so I took off running.  Luckily I was able to hide behind the EMT table.  They didn't seem to mind too much.  Especially once I told them that a clown was trying to kill me.  No, their laughter was just enough to throw the clown off of my scent.  Because who would be laughing in a situation like this?

Do you want to know who would be laughing in a situation like this?

My mom.
My sister-in-law.
My sister-in-law's cousins.
My sister-in-law's cousins' children.
My own children.
And most importantly...

This motherfucker.  Thanks a shitload, Kenee.  I will get you for this.  And my revenge will be so much worse than your worst nightmare.  <3

Monday, February 17, 2014

The Bitch is Back! Ok... I'm not really a bitch. I'm actually quite a nice person once you get to know me. So stop being all judgy and shit.

Hello my lovely blog friends!!  I am FINALLY mostly settled into the new place and ready to get back into this blogging thang.  The place is a work in progress since I still need to hang some shit up, but I'll be sure to give you all the tour once everything is done.

With that being said, I LOVE MY NEW PLACE!!!  I mean, seriously could not be happier.  What's not to love??  I.  Don't.  Have.  To.  Wear.  Pants.  And who doesn't love being pantsless?!  I am absolutely, positively in love with everything about my abode.  


Well...  Except one thing.

There is evil in the basement, guys.  But, like...  EVIIIIIL!!  I know what you're thinking.  "Oh calm down, Valerie.  It's just a basement.  All basements are scary."  Well, it's seriously horrifying down there so FUCK OFF!!

I'm sorry, baby.  You know I didn't mean that.  Come give me some lovins.

Look, give me a second to explain.  I swear I'm not being a pussy.  I was just down there with Odd doing laundry, minding my own business, when he started whining at the portal to the center of hell in the floor.  And we all know how dogs can sense darkness and stuff of that nature. 

Oh, did I not mention that there was a portal to hell in the middle of the basement floor?  My bad.  I probably should have led in with that one.  I'm a little rusty on the storytelling rules as I've been out of the blogging game for a wee bit.

WHAT.  IS.  THAT?!?  I tried taking a picture of it and it came out all fuzzy. You can't take snapshots of Evil.  Everybody knows that Evil isn't photogenic, and it HATES that about itself.  So it purposely just fucks up every picture.  Even when family visits.  Because Evil doesn't give a rat's ass that this is Gammy's last Christmas and maybe everybody would like to have a picture together that they can later frame.  Now the picture is fucking ruined because of this dickwad...  But, I digress.

I have no idea why it's even there.  And to be honest, I don't care.  I have seen WAY too many horror movies to be ok with this.  In fact, there are so many fucking horror movies with things coming out of holes and whatnot, that I can't even look down in to see how deep it is.  

Here are some key examples of how holes in the ground never turn out to be a good thing.

1.  The Gate:  This is a movie about a hole to a demon dimension accidentally opened up by some stupid ass kid.  In the end they close up the gate by throwing a firecracker in it.  Or some shit like that.  I can't really remember.  All I know is there is one part of the movie in which the kid gets an eyeball on his hand.  AN EYEBALL IN HIS HAND!!!  It really freaked me out.  I can name lots of things that having an eyeball in my hand will fuck up for me.  But, for the most part, it's masturbation.

I don't need this Carnie shit in my life right now. 

Nothing good can come from having an eyeball here.  Literally...  See what I did there?!?  NAILED IT!!

2.  The Evil Dead:  One of my favorite horrors of all time.  While the demons in this movie didn't actually come through a hole, I'm gonna relate this one to my situation since there was a demon in the basement trapdoor for most of it.  Also, because I'm 130% sure that there is a demon in the hole in my basement.

There is no way in hell that I will ever be able to look down that hole.  Ever.

3.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV show):  Sunnydale was on a Hell Mouth...  And none of the shit that went down there was ever ok.  It was one apocalypse after another.  Nonstop.  Which is fine.  I mean, if I'm the Chosen One, then so be it.  But I have a job...  And the Powers that Be aren't paying my bills. 

This is exactly the kind of luck I have.  Just settled in and happy for the first time in ages.  Then, BAM!!!  End of the world battle.  Figures.

4.  And most importantly...  The Ring:  Do.  I.  Even.  Need.  To.  Say.  It?!?  That horrible little girl comes out of a fucking well, guys.  A FUCKING WELL!!!!  I'm pretty sure this is exactly the same thing.  Not to mention that my well has a handy, dandy fire pole type apparatus going down it to help that little fucker climb out.  Honestly?!?  Why didn't they just install an escalator. 

Nope.  I won't have nightmares at all tonight!!

Not even a little bit. 
I'm never sleeping again.
In fact, I'll go put a pot of coffee on now.

I mean, pack my shit up.

Yeaaaaa...  I don't really need all this shit anyway.  I'll just go.
I think I just wet myself.

As you can tell, I'm obviously either doomed to be killed by a little girl demon (that is not my daughter), or I'm destined to save the world repeatedly from various apocalypse scenarios (crossing my fingers for zombies!!).  I would like to think that it's the latter however.  Because I'm optimistic like that.

In retrospect, I probably should have waited on putting so much thought into this topic until after I finished the laundry.  Damn it!  If you fuckers don't hear from me again...  AVENGE ME!!!