Sunday, March 30, 2014

What Happens in Vegas Ends Up on the Internets... Part Uno

I bet you were all worrying about me.  I know it's been a while again.  I am trying to be more consistent but I have a lot of distractions going on right now.  Stop judging me!!


You know I didn't mean that, baby.  You know I love you...


Anyway, as it turns out, I recently spent a few days in Vegas.  I know what you're all thinking and the answer is No...  The bodies will never be found.  Ever.  Because if it's one thing I'm really fucking good at, it's hiding dead bodies.  Oh, and knitting scarves.  


A lot of shit went down in Vegas.  So much that there will be a few different posts about the trip.  As you can imagine, shit got weird.  And time in Vegas is funny.  In my mind, it's non-sequential.  What happened on the first day doesn't feel like it was the first day.  So, I'm going to go off the rails with these posts and tell you the stories as I would like...  In no fucking order whatsoever.  Mainly because it's my blog, and I get to do pretty much whatever I want.


On our last night in Vegas, after some ridiculous Fremont Street shenanigans, myself and my partner in crime (Stephanie the Fabulous) made our way back to the hotel.  On the walk back to the room, I noticed a Do Not Disturb sign.  In fact, they were everywhere.  


And that is when I hatched possibly one of the most dastardly plans in history.  Ok, not really.  But it sounds more dramatic that way...  

I was going to steal every god damned Do Not Disturb Sign in that place.


All of them.  At that point of the evening, I was hell bent on getting every single motherfucking sign out of that motherfucking hotel.  Stephanie was ready for bed however.  So, after escorting her back to her room and changing into my jammies, I was ready to make this plan a reality.  

And a reality it was...  For hours, I ninja rolled through the hotel and snuck up the emergency access staircases stealing all the Do Not Disturb signs on floors 6-11.  I was drunk, so of course I took pictures...

I'm sure you were wondering how I managed to move undisturbed between floors.  The emergency exit access of course!!
Cuz FUCK da man.

Six was obviously an evil floor.  It just looks menacing.  And I was almost caught too.  But luckily, I had a great spot to hide all the stolen signs before going back to my room after every floor to make the drop off.
It was in my pants, guys.  I was running around the hotel, shoving signs into my pants.  Did I mention that I had a lot of alcohol that night?

You see this drink?  I had 2.  That was filled 3/4 way with vodka.  Because according to the bartender we "looked like we can handle our drink."  I'm not sure if that was a compliment, but it meant more alcohol...  So whatever.  We were literally dancing in the streets after drink number 1.  So, shoving signs down my pants was the obvious next play for a gal like me...  Cuz I'm CLASSY like that!!
Now you see 'em...

Now you don't.  I'm a motherfucking magician!!!
The stairs were getting noisy at this point.  Twas an echo-y sort of place...
So I decided the best option would be to go Total Ninja.  Because who needs elevators when you have secret passages!!!
On Nine I encountered a problem...
Someone was trying to call me out as a little bitch and give me a whole bunch of rules!!!  Excuse me?  I'm a ninja.  I answer to no sign!!!  Especially when it tells me not to sit on something or else the whole hotel would flood!!!!  I mean, have you met me??  I live for this shit.

It'll be a cold day in hell before I let some random sharpie markered sign tell me what to do!!!  SPOILER ALERT:  The stupid hotel didn't even flood. 
Stealing signs was a lot like the game of Operation.  Quiet.  Exact.  Cunning.

I suck at that game...  So I just grabbed those fuckers and ran.
Live like a ninja...  Die like a ninja...  But only if you're caught.

I wasn't.  I peaked around every corner.  I snuck in and out of areas unseen and unheard.  This is the night I became a God.
OOOOOORRRRR...  This was the night that I proved that, once again, I should probably just not be left to my own devices.  Anywhere.  Ever.


And although I only made it though 5 floors and not all of them...  And only collected a measly 213 Do Not Disturb Signs...  And did not go back to the room until 5am...  I feel like I left my mark on Vegas.  And I was even nice enough to leave most of the signs for housekeeping to find.



The blood and masks were Scooby's idea.  He's one sick fuck.

To be continued...



Tuesday, March 11, 2014

How evil masterminds clean their cars

My car is gross.  Like, really fucking gross.  There are things in there that would skeeve out hobos.  I mean, I'm generally a clean person.  My apartment is clean.  I wash and things of that sort.  But when it comes to the cleanliness of my car, there are seriously no fucks for me to give.  Not a one.  In fact, you have to be a really, REALLY good friend of mine to even be allowed in there.  It's that nasty.


Now, you combine that nastiness with a dog who is shedding his winter coat, and you get something like this:

It's a bit hard to see, but that line of white is all dog hair.  All.  Dog.  Hair.


I know...  I'm gross.  Also, he ate my seatbelt.  Odd ate my seatbelt because I ran into the store to get half and half and was gone for 5 minutes.  He's got a separation anxiety issue...  Plus, he's an asshole.

I'm not always left alone, but when I am, I freak the fuck out and destroy EVERYTHING in sight.


Today was the first nice day in AGES!!  Total sunroof weather!  I was super siked to not only throw my middle finger out to salute my fellow commuters, but also I had a brilliant idea.  

5:00 MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!


In fact, it was an evilly brilliant idea in which only the laziest of car cleaners could fathom.


I would simply open my sunroof and all the windows.  Thus the dog hair would fly out and find it's rightful home in nature.  Just like the Gods intended.  


I know.  I'm super smart!!


That is...  I'm super smart until I actually did it.  I immediately realized not only my misjudgement, but also that I know nothing of physics as it relates to the removal of dog hair by use of wind velocity.



Remember that pile of dog hair on Odd's special seat?  Yes, that one.  Well, that fucker erupted like a nest of angry wasps.  And they were going to get their revenge.  Oh yes.  Their revenge would be grand.

 
It was exactly like this...  But angrier.


Lip-gloss is sticky, you guys.  And you know what especially sticks to it?  Dog hair.  Dog hair sticks to it.  As I battled my mouth full of hair whilst doing 80 down the highway, I thought to myself "Wow.  This was a bad idea.  I should roll the windows up..."


And that's when it happened.


A larger bit of dog hair wasps dislodged itself from it's home on my backseat and attacked me.  In my motherfucking eyes.  I was blinded and tried to yell out.  But my yells were muffled as the hair trickled down my throat like that silver stuff that got Neo in the Matrix.  Gasping for air, trying to control my car, I reached for the windows.  


I barely made it out alive, guys.  But I did it.  Because I refuse to be THAT girl who got into a car accident because she was attacked by dog hair.  Nobody wants to be that girl.  NOBODY.  


I'm happy to say that I live another day.  As I exited the car and headed into my mom's house, the sun seemed warmer and everything seemed that much brighter.  I had a new outlook on life.


Until I went into my mom's house and she was all "What the hell happened to you?!?"  

I guess Moral #2 of this story is not to try to remove white dog hair using wind whilst wearing all black...  Go figure!!


At least Odd had a good laugh...

Douchenugget.
 



Sunday, March 9, 2014

Let's laugh like Monday isn't going to ass rape us tomorrow

Well, it's back, motherfuckers.  Monday will soon arrive like Diabla in that one episode of Scared Straight that I made my kids watch.

She still haunts my dreams...

So in order to put a smile on your faces, here is some shit that made me giggle recently...

Women's synchronized swimming is probably the most glamorous sport there is.

I don't think a diet will be enough.

Fucking Jerry!

This kid is AWESOME!!

I feel like Michael Jackson is playing in the background.

So sassy.

Well, it did...

True.  Fucking.  Story.

Every time.

I kind of love this man.


And if that didn't work, this should.  Because Benny Hill music is always funny.



Tuesday, March 4, 2014

We should all fear and respect The Jasmyn

Divorce can be hard on everyone.  Especially kids.  Especially kids starting brand new schools in which they know no one.  Especially kids starting brand new schools in which they know no one and will be separated from each other for the first time ever.

They fight like beasts but love each other most fiercely.


This was the case with my two girls.  Their world was breaking in every which way.  It was a hard and sad time.  Alyssa reacted by crying and shutting down.  While Jasmyn reacted by hating school.  Jasmyn has always not only excelled at school, but absolutely loved it.  


And while Alyssa became adjusted much more quickly (and has since sprouted a very wittily awesome sense of humor), Jazzy became comforted by a school drop-off routine.  In fact, it was the only way that she could or would walk into the school.  The parent dropping off had to hand her over to one of the teacher's waiting and said teacher had to hold her hand and walk a poor distraught Jasmyn inside the school.  

Alyssa is becoming a tween and hates having her picture taken now...  So I like to taunt her by telling her that Mannequin Child just wants to pet her hair.  Has it helped?  No, of course not.  But it's funny as fuck.


Most of you who follow regularly know just how bad ass this little girl is.  So seeing her like this broke my heart into a thousand pieces.  Until today... 


Today, for the first time ever, I dropped a confident Jasmyn off and she stated most proudly that she "knew the way".  She did not take the teachers hand.  Nay, my good friends.  My little girl walked in with her head held high, beaming as bright as the sun.

In her spare time, she's also practicing hula hoop tricks for when we become carnies.

The teachers were shocked.  I was shocked.  I promptly did a Flash Gordan freeze jump and then high fived all of them.  There was much merriment to be had!!

It was exactly like this...  Except I have red hair.


I just wanted to share that bit of happiness with you.  Because spreading joy is what I do, motherfuckers.  And pimp slaps.  I also partake in the ancient art of pimp slappery.  So, if you ever see me on the street, just remember there's a 50/50 chance for you.


And now, I bring you some more awesomeness from my seven year old, whom could, without a doubt, win a fight in a biker bar.

And she could do it asleep...  With pasta on her lap...  And not spill a noodle.


Before I start these first couple off, let me just say that they were directed at my brother, Christopher.  He is a known instigator and if you ever met him, you would probably be thinking the same thing.  Jazzy is just badass enough to actually say what everyone else is probably thinking...

I love my brother...  We all do.  But he really is a pain in the ass.


Jazzy (to Christopher):  Wouldn't it be creepy if you woke up in the middle of the night and I was staring at you like this (tilts head slightly to the side and stares without blinking with a big smile).


After watching Hansel and Gretel with me, Jasmyn decided to hunt demons.
 
Jazzy (to Christopher):  I will scoop out your eyes and feed them to goats.


Jazzy reading Harry Potter to me at bedtime.  Because I love me some storytime!!!!


Jazzy (to Christopher):  I will put you in a washing machine...  with knives.


Chris actually had that one coming. I was there.  I should know.


Jazzy (about our server at a restaurant):  Our waiter looks like Wolverine!!  I bet he has claws!! 



Jazzy:  *giggling to herself in the back of the car for about 15 minutes*
Me:  Jasmyn.  What are you doing?  Quit it!!  
Jazzy:  I'm being creepy, Mommy.  It's what I do.


Jasmyn, while watching American Ninja Warrior with me and the family, decided that she should start her training now.  True story.

Jazzy (after learning that I was taking fencing classes):  I want to take fencing, mommy.  I'll use a sword.  Then you'll see me... *whispers to herself*  Oh yes...  You'll all see me.


Jasmyn drinking Root Beer straight from the bottle decided to drop some truths about when her dad decides to date:  "She's a girl.  I'm a girl.  I'll beat her down.  That's just how I roll."

Yea, I know...  She's my hero too, guys.  She's my hero too.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

I think its pretty safe to say that we all share this dream

Today I was driving on a highway when this little miracle cut in front of me:

I SO GOT THIS!!!



So of course, my first thought was that I really need to drive up there.  This man cut me off for a reason.  My super spy abilities are finally needed.  I obviously have to pop up there so that my vehicle and I can be taken to secret location where I shall be given a mission, should I choose to accept it.  Which I TOTALLY would.  Because it's Sunday, and what the fuck else would I be doing??  (This message will self destruct in 5 seconds.)


If you are of my generation, you will probably remember Knight Rider.  In fact, let's do this post right...  Click HERE for a little mood music to set the tone.


Oh yea.  That's better.  


I remember watching this show as a kid thinking...  Holy fuck!  What I wouldn't give for a car that could do all those wonderful things!  And comes with a motherfucking watch so I can talk to it.  I mean, I'd be all "Kit, come get me from school."  Then I'd launch myself off of the school roof and jump most gracefully into the driver's seat through the sunroof.  

That shit would be epic.



And most importantly, I'd get to drive that glorious car right up that god damn ramp into a high tech lab and shit.  There would be lights and buttons...  And a manila envelope containing my mission.  

RIDE MOTHERFUCKER!!!  RIDE!!!

This was my dream as a child.



Lots of people were all about the Hoff.  But no.  This little girl wanted that sexy ass car and minions to do my bidding as I saved the world.  I was more of a Magnum P.I. kinda gal when it came to looks.

Manscaping was not invented until 2003.  It's true.  Google said so.


Maybe it was the moustache or those booty shorts...  Maybe a combination of the two.  But I loved that man.  Plus, he totally aged better than Hasselhoff.  I think we can all agree on that one.

Still Sexy.  I bet he's wearing booty shorts in this picture.  They just had to crop it out for the class factor.

I'm not judging...  I've spent plenty of nights on the floor eating a burger topless.  It's the nature of the Game of Life.  Some times you end up making sweet love to a sexy man, but mostly you just stop at White Castle and eat a 20 pack on the floor of your kitchen whilst singing to your dog.  Not that I've done these things.  But I've heard about them.  Yes...  I've heard a great deal.