Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Because One Day, SOMEONE will invite me to play quidditch... And I most certainly won't be picked LAST, if that's what you're insinuating!

A couple of weeks ago, on my way to drop the kids off at school (and no, that isn't a clever pun for pooping.  I was really taking them to the place they get educated and shit. Now, get you're mind out of the gutter, for Christ's sakes!), we passed an empty parking lot and saw this...


Holy Wizards on Broomsticks, Batman!!!


Me (Upon seeing this): OMG. THEY PLAY QUIDDITCH HERE?!

Alyssa: They're poles mommy. Not broomsticks. Slow your nerdy roll.


 Me:  Damn, son...  Why you gotta play me like that.

Alyssa:  No, mommy...  Just no.


It's great fun having a pre-teen.  Did I ever mention this?  


Anyway, we pass by this field everyday.  And everyday I get excited to see my makebelieve quidditch game.  And then it hit me...


Me:  I'VE GOT IT!!!!

Alyssa:  Oh boy...  Here we go...

Me:  They DO play quidditch there!!  But they've BEWITCHED the broomsticks to look like poles so that muggles can't see what they're doing!!!!!

Alyssa:  *facepalm*

Me:  I AM NOT A MUGGLE!!!!

Alyssa:  Really, mommy?  How long did it take to come up with that one.  Calm down and roll the windows up...  No one is going to invite you to play quidditch if you're out there screaming about witches.  If you QUIETLY let them know that you know, maybe they'll invite you to play.


So, now, everyday when we pass by, I give a tip of my hat and a knowing nod/wink to the invisible wizards playing my very favorite of games.
  

One day, motherfuckers...  You'll see...  One.  Day.


But until then, I'm totally chill...  Well, kind of... Well, Chill for ME anyways...

Ok...  I fail miserably at "chill"...  


Or...  Do I??  Bum.  Bum.  BUMMMMMM!!!!!

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What Black Jellybeans are Really Made of...

Alyssa:  Mommy, can I have some jellybeans?

Me:  Of course.

Alyssa (after taking a bite of a black jellybean):  EWWWW!!!  Mommy!!!  What are in the black ones??  They are disgusting!!!

Me:  I'm not sure, honey.  I think licorice or some crap.

Alyssa:  Let me check the bag....  Oh...  Here we go.  This must be the anus flavored one.

Me:  *spits water everywhere*  Excuse me?!?

Alyssa:  It says it right here on the bag, mommy!!!


I can't argue with this. 

Monday, May 12, 2014

This Mom's Day Happiness Wish is Late... Kind of like a period.

I wanted to take a moment to wish all the mamas out there a Happy Mom's Day...  Which I totally was gonna do yesterday.  But my day was so grand that by the end of it all, my brain was not working.  I mean, it's not much better right now, but it's all I've got.  And maybe that has to be enough sometimes. 

Or not.

Whatever.

Fuck it.

Also, this tap water tastes like ass.

Sorry, that was random.  I should get some sleep.  But before I do, I wanted to share a special wish I received yesterday.  Do you remember the wrong number texts that turned into a friendship over the mutual love of an ex-planet?  


And this is why I will always answer a wrong number text...  And also why I will never give up on Pluto.  Not now.  Not ever.



Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Nowhere is safe... Especially not the work fridge

A few months ago, I made a bangin samwich.  I mean, for real guys.  It had the turkey and the swiss.  It had the lettuce, the tomato, the onion... You know.  All the accoutrement.  It even had the perfect mixture of mayo and fancy pants mustard.  Needless to say, I was looking forward to that samwich all fucking day.  

Hell, man...  I was daydreaming about it like a fat kid day dreams about cake.  It was all that got me through the morning hum drum of my job.  

Finally, the time came.  It was samwich time!!!  I could barely contain my excitement as I skipped to the fridge to retrieve my glorious prize.

Although, my perfect little lunch was not where I left it.  In fact, it wasn't in the fridge at all. 

Someone.

Had.

Stolen.

My.

Fucking. 

Lunch.

Sure, the bag didn't have my name on it.  But, since I work in an adult environment, I kinda figured that it was common sense.  I mean, did you lovingly make that samwich this morning??  Did you get up 10 minutes early to make it happen??  Did you go to the motherfucking store last night to get your favorite kind of mustard because you had run out and knew you would need an epic samwich to get through the day??

No, you fucking thief.  I can guarantee that you did not.  You know why?  BECAUSE I DID ALL THAT, YOU TART!!!

That was months ago.  And the suspect has since been fired after what has come to be known as the "Splenda Incident".  Aparently, when management puts an entire 5000 count box of splenda in the kitchen, it means you can just grab it and take it to your desk.  Then when confronted, the answer "Sorry, sometimes I just take things" makes everything ok.

Sorry does a lot of good in this world, friends.  It heals broken hearts and friendships.  It makes feeling go good again.  But do you know what it doesn't do?

It doesn't bring back my fucking samwich, you cockgobbling thundercunt.  I hope you got the diarrheas from it.

Much like other victims of theft, I still do not feel safe keeping my food in the shared fridge.  But, I recently started drinking coffee at work, and a girl's gotta have her creamer.  And creamer's gotta stay cold.

So what was I to do?  

I'll tell you what I did...

I put a warning on it...

Because I licked it.  I licked the fuck out of it.

So beware thieves...  I know where my tongue has been.  Do you?

Sunday, May 4, 2014

There's a reason it's called Downward Dog...

Every time I partake in the Ancient Art of the Yoga home video, Odd gets very excited.  Now, I'm not saying the Canis lupus familiaris, or in layman's term the "dog", invented yoga, but I'm totally saying that dogs invented yoga.  I mean, they don't call it the Downward Dog for nothing, you know.  


Or maybe I'll just cut straight to the footage...


"Ok, Mom.  I'm totally going to talk you through this.  Because if it's one thing I know, it's how to dig through a cat litter box for hidden treasure...  And also, yoga.

"What you want to do is move your right hand in a little...  For fuck sakes, mom.  This isn't Twister.  Get your shit together!"





"Now straighten your upper body.  Jesus H. Christ, woman.  Are you even trying??"




"That's right... Kind of... Ugh...  You suck at this..."




"Look at me.  You see this???  PER-FUCKING-FECTION!!!"

"Fuck this shit.  I don't need this type of negativity ruining my Chi...  Crazy bitches will never learn.  Nap time!"