Tuesday, August 19, 2014

One day, somebody's gonna have to make a stand. One day, somebody's gonna have to say enough... AKA I'm going to start drinking Pepsi.

Most people dream of seeing their "name in lights," so to speak.  For you, that may be a promotion with a cushie VP next to your name.  For others, that may very well be their name in legit lights on Broadway...  Or written on a cardboard box under Broadway.  Hey...  Whatever floats your boat, man.  I'm not here to judge.

For me, however, it was finding my name on a Coke bottle.  I know...  It seems silly.  But I like my name on shit.  It's just how I roll.  

And so the search began...

I looked high...

I looked low...

I searched for weeks...

And after weeks, I began to worry...

But, like...  Seriously began to worry.

In fact, I became a lot like the crazy egg man in the movie Clerks.  (If you don't understand this reference, may the Gods have mercy on your soul.)

That's when someone told me that you could look online to see if your name was available.  "Hogwash!"  I thought to myself.  "Of course my name is available!!!  I mean, it's VALERIE for fuck sakes."

I mean, Valerie is a common name, really.

I mean, isn't it??

As it turns out, Coke had other plans for my destiny...

Access.  Denied.

Wait... WHAT???  My name is "really unique"?!?!  

And it's about this time what my family members began the mockings.

My brother has a bottle.

Sure, it's spelled wrong.  But it's the thought that counts.

Alyssa has found her name on 5 Coke bottles as of the date of this posting.

I'm not going to say that I'm affected by this...

 I mean, sure... I made a "virtual bottle" to try to make myself feel better.

But I can't drink this.  And also, screw you Coke!!!  You could at least make this shit look a LITTLE legit!!!  I mean, the fucking font doesn't even match what's really on the bottles.  HOW HARD IS IT TO MATCH FONT TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING!!!  Coke has the audacity to make some of us feel like the uncool kids in high school.  And that's not ok.  That's called BULLYING, Coke.  And, nowadays, that shit is totally frowned upon. 

And, just when I lost all my shits, is when I took matters into my own hands...

Hector???  Not today, my good man!!!

Because with a red sharpie and a container of white-out...

I can finally sit at the cool kid's table.

Suck it, Coke.