I'm... I'm not sure really... But that's besides the point. Focus people!
Anyway, a question came upon us that demanded an answer. And that question was "In what state is the world's largest collection of spoons located?"
We all had different guesses with not a one of them being correct, of course. The answer, my loves, was.... New Jersey.
Dude. I fucking live here. How did I not know this?? And what other secrets was my beloved state keeping from me?? Was that really just "a rash"?? Or was it....
But I digress.
Over a year later, those same players (minus a little sister) were ready to take the pilgrimage to the Holy Land.
This is a story of such a journey.
|When you are greeted by The Wooden Face of Madness, you pretty much KNOW the rest of the place is gonna rock. But maybe that's just me.|
|The Lambert Castle in Passaic, NJ houses over 5,000 spoons to which they display approximately 300 at a time. No, seriously. I shit you not. Some old lady told us. And everyone knows that old people can't lie about history.|
We all gave ourselves fake personas that lovely day. Because that's just how we roll.
|Nicole was a hater of spoons, but lover of forks.|
|Hold up. Hit the pause button! Just incase you thought spoons were boring or something. HERE'S A FUCKING DRAGON SPOON ALL UP IN YOUR FACE!!|
|I was an enthusiastic Professor of Spoons with a bachelors in ancient history. Or something like that. Honestly, I was just really excited that my epic Spoon tshirt finally found its purpose.|
|Jackson was a mad German scientist whom often used spoons in his experiments. I'm not really allowed to talk about the experiments. I signed a confidentiality agreement.|
|One loves spoons, the other hates them. She is the ying to my yang and I will love her for all of eternity.|
|Jasmyn was a spork prodigy, with the ability to name every single spork in existence by the tender age of 9 months.|
|But seriously, you guys. Spoons. But, like, SPOOOOOOONS!|
|I bet you thought that there was only a spoon collection at this joint. Like I would ever leave you with that!|
|Not when there are statue's asses to lick!!!|
|And things we are not allowed to touch!|
|And... Um... Really creepy children portraits?|
|And... Large scissors?|
|And who can forget the human hair sculptures?? I know I can't. Seriously though. This shit is going in my will. Somebody had better start practicing weaving a platypus out of dead people hair!!!|
|Oh dear lord... Her eyes follow me!!!! HER. EYES. ARE. WATCHING. ME. ALWAYS.|
|Wait... Where was I? Oh yes. Not... when there are things to ponder next to fireplaces!!|
|So much evil pondering about our plans for world domination!! Or, you know... Lunch. Whatever!|
And that's when it happened. That's right when we found the most ancient relic in the entire joint.
|The illusive table. Our day could not get much better than this. Or so we thought...|
|Luckily, they had a comment book... (I know. I'm way too lazy to reformat. Just tilt your heads a bit!)|
|And we left only the best of comments. Obviously.|
|We then explored the lovely views the castle had to offer us.|
|And it was beautiful.|
|Surprised lion was surprised to see us.|
|Shocked and surprised.|
|Shocked and surprised and slightly appalled.|
|Jazzy enjoyed the views tremendously.|
|But, like, REALLY enjoyed them. (Yes, that is a vulture eating a dead groundhog.)|
|We were then off to lunch!!!! We found a nearby burger place that served up some scrumptious shit.|
|I mean... The wall mural was a bit off-putting. Maybe it was just me. But when I eat a burger, I really don't want to see the judging eyes of his brethren staring down upon my soul.|
|And then I had to pee... This is the view from my toilet. Why yes... Yes the wallpaper was pictures of men taking pictures of us doing our business.|
|So I was all "Fuck YOU guys!" Now I'm taking a picture of you perverts taking a picture of me whilst I do my business. Assholes.|
We then immediately wondered what was in the men's room. After sending Jackson in on a recon mission, he could only say the following about the wall decor: "I don't know how to explain it. It's a man in a hazmat suit... Surrounded by lettuce."
|He fucking nailed the description, much to our dismay.|
You may find yourself asking "How do you end a day this epic?"
|Well, I'll tell you all how! Cupcakes. Yea, man... Cupcakes.|