Monday, October 6, 2014

On a Most Serious Note...

Something recently happened to me and I need to get this out.  You know, mull it over.  And what better way to do that then to write about it.  I know that this is usually a funny sort of blog (hopefully anyway...), but this shit is about to get really real.  For reals.  So if you aren't ready for this, you might want to look away.  

It's ok...  I won't be mad. 

Now that I've prefaced this and you know what to expect out of this post, it's time for us to have a talk.  I think...  I think I might...

God damn it.  This is so much fucking harder than I thought it would be.

You guys, I think I might be a Disney Princess.

No, fuckers.  Seriously.  

Ok.  Let me tell you a little story of a girl who went to go walk her dog on a bitterly cold morning and almost stepped in poo.  Except it wasn't poo.  Nopity nope.

It was a wee little baby bird which Odd was quite confused by...  Since he tried to eat it.

I know what you're thinking right now.  "Listen Valerie the Almighty Magnificent One, lots of people find baby birds."  And to this I say, yes.  But can they do this??

I just sang it a little song and up it popped upon my finger.

I cut up a worm for this little asshole whom we shall just call "Captain Abraham Knockwurst of the Seven Seas AKA The Captain" (Because that is his name).  Then I promptly dry heaved for 15 minutes.

I later found an awesome bird sanctuary by me.  You'll all be happy to know that he was put together with a few more of his kind (Gold Finches) and recently released into the wild.

I'm a motherfucking hero like that.

I know.  I know.  I just blew your mind.  Well, go on and scoop those brains up and pop them back in, because the very same week this happened.

Why yes.  Yes that is a baby squirrel.  And it's not even baby squirrel season, man.  That's how serious this is.

If you're thinking "Holy Shit.  Squirrels are finally gonna take over the universe and they outnumber us like a million to one or maybe more like ten.  Or not.  Why haven't I googled this kind of thing before.  I'm not even prepared for this!!"  You would have had the same reaction I did.  In fact, I tried to back away slowly, but the little jerk followed me and hopped on my fucking foot. 

Don't judge my pirate socks and ninja shoes.

Did I mention I was a sucker?  

Because I am.

Luckily, the little guy just needed to refuel for the night.  Once properly fed and hydrated, he turned into quite the little asshole.  

And so, Doctor Awesome was released back into the wild with a full belly and a taste for vengeance.  Ok, maybe not so much with the vengeance part.  But I'd like to think so.

He was totally siked.

I stood pretty far away so he didn't maul me like that rabbit in Monty Python's Holy Grail movie.

I've seen these kinds of things go bad too often.

Ok, not really.  But all those evil squirrel urban legends have to be based on some sort of fact.

Now tell me...  You look at this shit and tell me I'm not a Disney Princess.  Because I'm thinking I might be.  And what does that mean for me??  Does that mean I need to shave my legs on a regular basis and wear fancy pants dresses?? 

Because I'm not ready for that

Holy shit, you guys...  Holy.  Fucking.  Shit.

Does this mean that I need to...  Gulp...  Stop cursing????

Well, fuck THAT noise.  Fuck it right in the ass...  Prison style. 

This is basically the only type of Disney Princess I could be.  Now... Where the fuck is my movie deal??