Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Little Known Facts About Ladybugs... And How They Relate to Your Life and Shit.

When I say the word "ladybug" to you, what is your first thought?  Now, since I obviously can't hear you (because my super secret spy cam which allows me to watch your every move is on the fritz), I'll have to assume that you said something along the lines of "sweet little bug" or "perhaps not always a lady but from a generally nice family" or even "the only bug that would not throw battery acid in your face for looking at her boyfriend".  How do I know this?  Well, it's because that's what I used to think of when I saw a ladybug.

Used.  To.

Picture it:  My car.  2014.  I was driving along when I noticed a wee little lady bug crawling on my windshield.  
Me:  Now, how did you get in here, Ms. Ladybug?
Ladybug:  *Stops and turns around to walk towards me*
Me:  Oh!  Look at you!  All friendly and shit!
Ladybug:  *Climbs up windshield to ceiling*

Awww!!  Somebody's lost!!

I'm sure you are probably having the same thoughts that I was at this moment:  "Aww!  This poor lil guy needs some help getting out of the car."  And THIS is where you would be wrong.

Dead wrong.

"It'll be a cold day in Valhalla before I ask a human for directions!!"

Me:  Did you get stuck in here and are in need of some assistance??
Ladybug:  *Comes closer to me and begins to pace*
Me:  No need to get antsy!!  HAHAHA!!  You see what I did there???

And that's when all hell broke loose...

"A cold day, indeed..."

The seemingly innocent ladybug picked that moment to launch its guns-blazing attack.

That's right.  The fucker flew at me.

The fucker flew at my face.

That motherfucker flew at my face whilst I was doing 80 on a highway.

Have you ever had one of those moments when time slowed down just enough for you to think "How the fuck did this even happen?  Where did I go wrong in the events of my day to lead me here??"

Do you ever think that maybe life is just one big "Choose Your Own Ending" book...  And that maybe you made all the wrong choices?  

Although I may have made the wrong choices, luckily this was not my day to die, my friends. Nay!  This day was a happy one...  Because I survived.

But please, PLEASE learn from my mistakes...

Never EVER make ant jokes at ladybugs.  They have no fucking sense of humor whatsoever!!!

But seriously though... And I say this because I love you all so very hard.

Watch your back out there.  Evil has a new face.  And it has polka dots.

Monday, November 3, 2014

They may take our lives... But they'll never take our FREEDOM!!!

This isn't a real post.  I'll have one soon.  I promise.  You guys ever get so happy in your life that you're basically not motivated to do anything?  Because that's pretty much where I am right now.  But I had to share something with you all.  Because I'm a giver...

Listen, let's get one thing straight.  I'm not here to judge.  I grew up in not the fanciest of places.  Hell man, I often fix things with duct tape.  Basically, what I'm saying is... I'm not a snooty motherfucker.  Not at all.  But, we have to all come together to admit something once and for all...  Redneck is redneck as ghetto is ghetto. 

And the moment you sardine can up your car so that you can have a sunroof, you might want to reestablish your goals in life...

That's right.  This car roof was cut into and rolled up like a giant can of sardines as this playa enjoyed his day.

And I bet he was big pimpin' this out on the most glorious of days.  I applaud you, son.  To hell with Mother Nature and the upcoming winter.  

You do you, dawg...   

You.  Do.  You.