This is a post about something that happened to me most recently. Something so fucking horrific, that I had to get off my lazy ass and write about it.
Now, don't get me wrong. I had been meaning to post for a while. But, like it always seems to happen, a little time passes and I think... "Hey man. I'll get back to it." Then a little more time passes and I start to get a bit overwhelmed about what to write about. Then more time passes and I begin breathing into a paper bag until I'm crying in Deebo's pigeon coop, and only my mama can get me out... You know how it is.
And so it goes........
Anyway, I'm sure you are thinking: "Wow, Bitch. You're overwhelmed? We've been over here worried about you. Like, Really worried! I MADE YOUR LIKENESS OUT OF MY MASHED POTATOES EVERY MASHED-POTATO-MONDAY-DINNER-NIGHT UNTIL MY KIDS WERE ALL, WTF IS THAT EVEN?? A WATERFALL?? And then I knew that I shouldn't be making things out of mashed potatoes... But it's the thought that counts anyway. SO STOP JUDGING ME!!!"
|But... I digress...|
Ok. Whoa, baby. Just calm down. I bet that was the best likeness of me ever created in mashed potatoes.. Fucking. Ever. And I missed you. I promise. So fucking hard. If it was any harder, I would be a dude at 5:30am.
*Relentless, unapologetic giggles*
And I know this, my loves. I promise you, I am most sorry. This is way overdue. And you deserve better. But not so much better that you shouldn't forgive me. Because you know I love you... You know it....
Anyway, I'm sure you're now thinking: "Ok. Wait. What the fuck happened that made you skip over the overwhelming awkwardness to write this post??"
Well, I'm glad you asked... Because I am freaking out pretty hard. And I need a fucking group hug... But the weird kind.
It all happened on Friday morning when I noticed a suspect box addressed to me. It had actually arrived on Thursday, but I was out with my gal causing havoc. So, on a most hungover of Friday's I began opening what would turn out to be the most horrid thing I have ever laid my eyes on...
|Notice I've covered my address... Because if this happens again, I'm leaving the country.|
Wait........ This scenario sounds.... most... familiar? Or is it just me???
|Oh. Dear. Lord.|
|It was at this moment that the thought "OMG... if this is a kitten head in a blonde wig, I'm going to be very, VERY upset."|
|I then thought that maybe I should just burn it...|
|But curiosity got the best of me...|
|I should not open this...|
|I NEED to open this...|
What the fuck was in this god damned box?? Was it a gold bar?? Was it Gweneth Paltrow's Head?? I needed to know. But, as it turns out... It was so much worse than the severed head of a sort-of famous person.
|You. Fucking. Guys.|
|This is when shit got real.|
|*Crying in fetal position*|
|I got a fucking box full of clown from Stranger Danger.|
I don't even know how to deal right now besides alcohol and old episodes of Golden Girls.
|Yes, Dorthy... You always know best. SEND A PIZZA EMOJI TO DOMINO'S||... STAT!!!|
How do I move on from this?? I'm not sure. But I'll tell you what... I'm now the person constantly looking over her shoulder. You know why?? Two fucking reasons...
|One... This is a real thing in Switzerland. And it's only a matter of fucking time before the Pods spread to the US.|
|Whomever this was they knew it was VALTEMBER...|
|And they knew my weakness...|
There is only one obvious conclusion...
|I. Have. An. Arch. Nemesis.|
And they already know my secret identity.
Gods help us all...