Monday, September 28, 2015

What's in the Box... The Second Coming

Do you guys remember my last post where I received a box full of clown

I'm sure you've been having horrid nightmares about this...  I know I have.


Well, I showed it to my kids and got the following 2 responses:


1.  Jazzy: "Can I borrow the notes and see the packages?  I'm sure I can figure out who sent this..."  

We've been watching a lot of Criminal Minds as of late... 


2.  Alyssa:  "The word "clown" is plural.  I bet you'll get more."

I'm sorry, Alyssa.  What did you just say???  And that's when I told her she was punished. 

Update:  Alyssa is still on punishment...


When I received the package, I actually assumed it would be the last.  Just a joke from my Arch Nemesis, right??  HAHA!!  YOU TOTALLY GOT ME!!!  


Unfortunately, I received this text from Carlos on Friday...

*Black and white coloring added for dramatic effect*

And this is what I looked like reading his text...  True story.



You could only imagine the state that this new information put me in.  Especially knowing that The Evil that was bound to be in that little box...  Waiting for me...  Waiting to be released...  But I had to put on my big girl pants and open that motherfucker.    


Because that's what it means to be an adult.  


Being an adult is stupid. 


I thought it would be easier this time because I knew what to expect.  But, alas...  That shit was still horrible.


Who knows what Evil lurks inside this box?!  I'm sure I do.  But maybe I was wrong!! 

Maybe it would be different this time?

Who would wrap evil in such nice TARDIS colored wrapping paper?!?

Maybe....  Oh.  Fucking.  Shit. 

 I THINK IT MOVED!!  RUN BITCHES!

Ok.  Maybe it didn't move?  Maybe...  Maybe it's just a doll.  Maybe this is all a misunderstanding?

Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  NOPE.  

Seriously.  NOPE.


After much crying in fetal position, I was able to get my shit together.  The weekend then came and I had decided that the threat was over.  It had to be.  For my sanity!!  And on Saturday, when I did not receive another package, I knew that I was in the clear!!  And so much festivities were had by all!!


Carlos and I went to a most glorious Beerfest where we dined on bacon covered bratwurst and drank to our heart's content!

We even pretended to be Hobbits playing Connect Four!!  I won, obviously... 



On Sunday, I knew I was safe.  Oh yes...  I was so safe...


Fine day indeed!!



Today is Monday.  Since I was feeling like dogshit with pants on, I decided to work from home.


Big Mistake...


Big.  Fucking.  Mistake. 

You guys...  I received a bag full of certain clown death...  ON A FUCKING MONDAY?!?!  You've gone too far now, my Arch Nemesis.  Too.  Fucking.  Far. 
 

Sure, the return address says "From The Big Top"...  But maybe it's not a clown this time...  Maybe it's ... sneakers?

Yes, this arrived in the mail for me today.  And I am frozen with fear as I sit in the house all alone.  I obviously cannot open it.  Not until Carlos comes home and we take the battleaxe off the wall.  I told Carlos to bring holy water and extra bullets...  Just in case... 


Come, old faithful.  We have work to do...

Sunday, September 20, 2015

What's in the Box?? ... AKA The Thing That Happened That Made Me Have to Write This Post

It has been many-a-moons since my last post and plenty has come to pass.  However, this is not a post about that...  No, my friends.  We will get to that soon enough.  

This is a post about something that happened to me most recently.  Something so fucking horrific, that I had to get off my lazy ass and write about it.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I had been meaning to post for a while.  But, like it always seems to happen, a little time passes and I think...  "Hey man.  I'll get back to it."  Then a little more time passes and I start to get a bit overwhelmed about what to write about.  Then more time passes and I begin breathing into a paper bag until I'm crying in Deebo's pigeon coop, and only my mama can get me out... You know how it is. 

And so it goes........

Anyway, I'm sure you are thinking: "Wow, Bitch.  You're overwhelmed?  We've been over here worried about you.  Like, Really worried!  I MADE YOUR LIKENESS OUT OF MY MASHED POTATOES EVERY MASHED-POTATO-MONDAY-DINNER-NIGHT UNTIL MY KIDS WERE ALL, WTF IS THAT EVEN?? A WATERFALL??  And then I knew that I shouldn't be making things out of mashed potatoes...  But it's the thought that counts anyway.  SO STOP JUDGING ME!!!"

But... I digress...


Ok.  Whoa, baby.  Just calm down.  I bet that was the best likeness of me ever created in mashed potatoes.. Fucking.  Ever.  And I missed you.  I promise.  So fucking hard.  If it was any harder, I would be a dude at 5:30am. 

*Relentless, unapologetic giggles*

And I know this, my loves.  I promise you, I am most sorry.  This is way overdue.  And you deserve better.  But not so much better that you shouldn't forgive me.  Because you know I love you... You know it.... 

Anyway, I'm sure you're now thinking: "Ok.  Wait.  What the fuck happened that made you skip over the overwhelming awkwardness to write this post??"

Well, I'm glad you asked...  Because I am freaking out pretty hard.  And I need a fucking group hug...  But the weird kind.  

It all happened on Friday morning when I noticed a suspect box addressed to me.  It had actually arrived on Thursday, but I was out with my gal causing havoc.  So, on a most hungover of Friday's I began opening what would turn out to be the most horrid thing I have ever laid my eyes on...



Notice I've covered my address...  Because if this happens again, I'm leaving the country.


Now, I must remind all of you (because it's been a while since you've had to think of such pure awesomeness) that it is, in fact, VALTEMBER.  So, I didn't really think twice about receiving a package.  And this package looked innocent enough...  Even though it didn't have a return address on it... or any kind of ... distinctive markings... whatsoever? 


Wait........  This scenario sounds.... most... familiar?  Or is it just me???



Oh.  Dear.  Lord.


It was at this moment that the thought "OMG... if this is a kitten head in a blonde wig, I'm going to be very, VERY upset."

I then thought that maybe I should just burn it...

But curiosity got the best of me...

I should not open this...

I NEED to open this...


What the fuck was in this god damned box??  Was it a gold bar??  Was it Gweneth Paltrow's Head??  I needed to know.   But, as it turns out...  It was so much worse than the severed head of a sort-of famous person.

You.  Fucking.  Guys. 
This is when shit got real.
*Crying in fetal position*


I got a fucking box full of clown from Stranger Danger.


I don't even know how to deal right now besides alcohol and old episodes of Golden Girls.


Yes, Dorthy...  You always know best.  SEND A PIZZA EMOJI TO DOMINO'S...  STAT!!!

How do I move on from this??  I'm not sure.  But I'll tell you what...  I'm now the person constantly looking over her shoulder.  You know why??  Two fucking reasons...


One...  This is a real thing in Switzerland.  And it's only a matter of fucking time before the Pods spread to the US.

And Two?


Whomever this was they knew it was VALTEMBER...

And they knew my weakness...


There is only one obvious conclusion...


I.  Have.  An.  Arch.  Nemesis.

And they already know my secret identity.  


Gods help us all...