Sunday, October 4, 2015

Whatever is in this Damned Box is Sure to be Evil as All Fuck... Run Whilst You Still Can.

It happened again...  The day before my birthday, this arrived:

This is actually written in French and translates to:  "Just fucking pack your shit and leave the country.  This won't end well."

So, as you can imagine, I automatically went to Defcon: Violet Orange A-12.  Which, if you cannot tell, is pretty fucking panicked.  

I wanted to burn it...  BURN THEM ALL!!!  But, as Carlos gently reminded me, porcelain doesn't burn.  And the last thing we need in our firepit is clown heads, feet and hands that are all charred and eviler looking that originally provided.

Do yourself a favor, and never fucking EVER google "burned porcelain doll".  Because you might not sleep for weeks.

So what was I to do with this shit??  What.  The.  Fuck.  Man?!?! Why???  Just...  WHY????

My kids, on the other hand were very excited to open it. 

And so we did...  Because who can say No to that face?  Ok, it was mostly their whining.  But, on a super positive note, we didn't open it until all their homework was done.  So, at least there's that, right?!?

For a split second, I once again I thought...  "Maybe this won't be my nightmare.  Maybe this one is filled with love and glitter and unicorns and pie!!"

But, alas my friends... SPOILER ALERT...  It was a fucking horrifying clown beyond comprehension. 

But, there was a note!!!  Maybe it was my Arch Nemesis revealing themselves??  Maybe they were to set me free with the information of what the fuck was going on, why they were doing this to me, and/or when the fuck this was going to stop?!?


It was a ridiculously clever, rhyming song about clown and my birthday.  Damn you, Arch Nemesis.  You creative fuck.

So what was in the package??  I bet you'd like to know.  Ok.  I'll share the horrors with you...  But remember, you fucking asked for it.

Oh.  Dear.  Cthulhu.


Maybe, it's not so bad.  Maybe I'll open my eyes and take another peek and it won't be so scary.


Deep Breath.


Is... Is it just me or are it's eyes filled with death?!?!?!  BECAUSE I'M SURE THEY FUCKING ARE!!!!

I immediately searched for my support system.  And some of them reacted appropriately... 

Carlos:  This...  This is pretty fucked up.

Stephanie:  You have some fucked up friends.

My Work BFF and her husband were sure this would lead to my death...  Maybe.

But other people, like my own fucking daughters, thought differently.

Alyssa:  I like it.  Can I keep it in my room???

Jazzy:  Yeah.  We won't ever show you it.  Let us have it.

And that's when I knew that now both children were to be punished.  Til they were 35.  At the very fucking least.

But, much to my utter astonishment, they were not alone...

My brothers thought it was genius.

And my BFF thought it was horridly amazing.

As you could imagine, I was on pins and needles on my birthday.  We went to a lovely fondue place for dinner and ate our weight in cheese and chocolate.  And even in the midst of my food coma, I became increasingly anxious as we approached the house...

Was this it???  

Was this the moment where some random singing clown appears and "accidentally" kills me after I pull a gun and we struggle with it.  For our very LIVES...  And when that fateful BANG hits...

FYI:  When you google "gun wrestle", this shows up.  I just regained faith in 'Merica.

As luck would have it, there was no clown on my birthday.  And no clown the day after.  In fact, we've been Clown Incident Free for 5 whole god damned days now.  

And while I know it's not Thanksgiving yet, I just want to go on record saying that I am so very thankful that this threat is over...

Or is it???